Out of the Wild - Part 2

(Continued from Part 1) 

In 2012 I moved into my own apartment in Los Angeles.  After subletting and staying in other people’s homes for years, I finally had a space I could make a home.  I got the keys to apartment 206 on my 26^th birthday, and it felt like I was in the right place at the right time.  It took a while for me to really unpack my things, and I still kept my camping gear in my car for a while.  Whenever I saw coyotes on my street it felt comforting, like I wasn’t the only wild animal in the city. 

Next week I'll turn 30 and will have lived in the same apartment for four years, the longest I’ve lived anywhere since I was in elementary school.  I made a list of 30 things I wanted to do before I turned 30 and a few weeks ago I crossed off “Visit the Salton Sea/Salvation Mountain/Slab City.”  The Salton Sea is a man-made lake south-east of Los Angeles (near Coachella), Salvation Mountain is a surreal monument to Universal Love and Jesus made by a man named Leonard Knight.  Slab City is a makeshift community of snowbirds, hippies and squatters nicknamed “The Last Free Place.”  Salvation Mountain and Slab City are featured in the film Into the Wild, Chris really spent time there and met Leonard Knight.

I’d been trying to get to Slab City for years and thought I would really like it there, perhaps even feel at home.  I didn’t realize how strange it might seem that I expected to feel at home in a post-apocalyptic wasteland until I was there with a friend who well…didn’t know about that part of my life.  Slab City is like Burning Man (yes, I’ve been) all year round, except no one was friendly.  And I expected to feel at home there…?  We explored a sculpture garden in East Jesus (an artist community within Slab City) and dug the art, but after that we were pretty glad to leave.  We drove to Joshua Tree and thankfully found a spot to camp.

I tried to explain to my friend why I expected to feel a connection to Slab City, the Chris McCandless story and my post-apocalyptic past, but was struggling to understand all of it myself.  I had grown, I had changed.  I stayed in one place for four years, I’ve lived in a city for four years.  I am no longer that wild animal, I’ve been domesticated.  I’d often joked about my domestication, but now it was staring me in the face and I wasn’t laughing.  I love my apartment, I'm glad I've been able to stay in one place, but it’s strange to be able to see a chapter closing in your life.  I felt it at 25 in Montana, as I knew my Vagabond Years were coming to a close.  But now, turning 30 felt like turning a corner and I felt a bit afraid that I don’t know what is around that corner. 

When I got home I got out my copy of Into the Wild and was surprised the things that jumped out at me.  How many people cared about Chris, wanted to help him with money/gear/transportation/emotional support, how strongly he rejected all of it and how much that hurt the people who wanted to help.  The fact that I’m sort of sad I never hopped freight trains like Chris did (and Kerouac, and many others) but also that I’m probably very glad I never did.  And that after two months in the wild, Chris had decided to return to society but was unable to cross the Teklanika River and went back to the Magic Bus.  I realized that if Chris had been about to walk out of the wild at 24, at 29 he might have felt a lot of the same things I’m feeling now. 

I've sometimes worried that the adventures of my 20's made me less date-able.  Guys often say they want someone to go on adventures with, but they aren't necessarily excited about a woman who has had a many adventures of her own.  There's a long history of men vagabonding/adventuring to find themselves, far fewer stories of women doing the same (which is part of why I loved the movie Wild, about Cheryl Strayed's trek on the Pacific Crest Trail).  But especially as I'm getting into my 30's, I'm trying to own my stories.  If someone is going to take issue with adventures from my past, they're probably not someone I want in my future.  

During my Vagabond Years when I needed strength I would say to myself, I’m ten feet tall and made of steel, and would repeat it until I found the strength/calm/nerve I needed.  In 2010 I took a solo road trip around the Southern US, starting in Austin, TX where I was living at the time.  I was 24, my life had just imploded, and I was trying to figure out what direction to go in.  I spent a lot of that trip crying, driving through the tears, and chanting to myself: I’m ten feet tall and made of steel, I’m ten feet tall and made of steel. Some say that young people feel invincible, I don’t think I innately felt invincible but was trying to convince myself that I was.  Walking toward 30, I am no longer trying to be ten feet tall and made of steel.  I am human, imperfect, vulnerable, and wonderfully so. 

To Ghost or Not To Ghost (A Millennial Question)

I’m fascinated by language and how it evolves, especially when we feel the need to create a new word. Sometimes I see clear connections between events and the words they create: cameras on cell phones became the norm, making it easier to take/share self-portraits, and self-portraits became “selfies.” Self-portraits are nothing new, but when we started talking about them more frequently, we created a new (shorter) word.  But there are other additions to our language that are more puzzling to me. Was there an increase in older women dating younger men that prompted us to create the term “cougar”?  How did “Netflix and chill” become code for “Let’s hook up”?

And why did “ghosting” become a thing? If you’re not familiar with the term, “ghosting” is when someone suddenly disappears from a relationship. One day you’re dating/involved with someone, and the next they don’t respond to texts, phone calls, etc.  This isn't a new phenomenon, but I think in the past it was just called “rude.”  However, when I recently posted on Facebook about how I think ghosting is rude, I was surprised to find many people were pro-ghosting.

I get why people want to ghost.  To start 2016 off with a Clean Slate I had to have several breakup conversations and we all hate those conversations, right?  Also, there are so many gray areas of dating, and it can be tough to tell what level involvement requires what level of breakup conversation.  But being the person who is ghosted on can range from awkward to heartbreaking.  If it's someone you went on a mediocre first date with, meh.  But if you've been exclusively dating for months, WTF.  

I tried to ghost a guy I met on New Years Eve this year, and couldn't do it.  He was texting me and I felt bad not responding at all, so I texted him something along the lines of "Let's just leave it at New Years" and he was cool about it.  And honestly, I felt so much better being upfront about it.

Part of what's so strange about ghosting is that it can be hard to tell if the person is ghosting or not.  If someone doesn't respond to one text, is that ghosting?  Or if you make vague plans but never solid plans?  And I realized that ghosting leaves a lot of room to assume the worst, either about the other person ("He/she never meant anything they said") or yourself ("*insert insecurity* is totally why he/she isn't texting me").  To anyone who ghosts, if you need incentive not to ghost, just assume that if you ghost the other person will think you're an asshole.  If you want them to think you're an asshole, then ghost away I suppose.

I'm currently in one of those "Is he ghosting...?" situations, which I don't have much patience for.  Part of what's been strange to me is that I worked with this guy a while back (not Boyfriend, he's history) so we actually know each other as people/have mutual friends/might have to work together again at some point, so ghosting seems extra awkward.  Also, he gave me his number (without me asking) and said, "Hit me up."  Why would someone do that if they don't actually want the person to contact them?  *reaction* 

The more I've dated, the more I value honesty and clarity.  Really, the more I've lived and interacted with human beings, the more I value honesty and clarity.  I like people who mean what they say and say what they mean.  I know this is easier said than done, I struggle with it myself.  I'm not dishonest but I have a hard time expressing what I want, especially in relationships.  But I'm working on it!  

Real talk: there are 2 exes that I don't respond to calls/texts from because they were abusive/are mentally unstable, and I stand by the decision to cut them out of my life.  I didn't ghost them, I had conversations to end the relationships.  If someone is threatening, abusive, or anything like that, abso-fucking-lutely tell them never to contact you again and cut them off.  But if you're not feeling the chemistry, or are too busy to do anything other than work and sleep, or whatever reason there may be, in my opinion be a grownup and just let the person know.  Don't be an asshole but don't be a ghost, or you know who I'm gonna call??

Flirting and Other Fine Arts - Part 1

I used to think I didn't know how to flirt (not that I'd say I'm an expert now) but I had an "A-Ha!" moment a few years ago:

I was at my hometown bar with friends and I was chatting with The Hot Bartender.  We were friendly and would chat whenever I came in.  I walked back to my friends and one said, "Wow, you were doing really well with him!  He's totally flirting with you!" and I was like, "What???  We were just talking!!"  That was when I realized, flirting is really just talking.  I'd thought I needed a line or a move, but flirting is just... talking.  With intention.  And a casual arm touch doesn't hurt.  

I've been thinking a lot about flirting lately.  What makes flirting flirting?  I've been working on set and in the film industry a lot of people flirt but it doesn't really mean anything.  I call it Work Flirting, like working in the service industry, you have to interact with a lot of people and it's a fuzzy line between being friendly and flirty.  One guy freely admitted that it was just a way to pass the time and if I called his bluff he would back down.  Honestly, Work Flirting that I know is Work Flirting is fine by me, it can be a fun break in long stressful days.

But how do you tell if someone is Work Flirting or Real Flirting?  Unfortunately, it's easier for me to Work Flirt (with guys I'm not actually interested in) than Real Flirt (with guys I'm actually interested in).  There was a guy on this job my friends started calling my Boyfriend, who I actually genuinely like, and I would get SO NERVOUS talking to him.  It felt like being a teenager again, we would find any stupid reason to talk to each other (we had basically no work reason to talk) and while we're talking in my head I'd be shouting at myself "SAY SOMETHING INTERESTING!!" but sometimes we'd just stand there smiling at each other like idiots.

Why are there some guys that I can't help but flirt with (either Work Flirting or Real Flirting) and other guys that I'm so nervous around that I'm nearly incapacitated?  I couldn't be friends with Sugar Ray Guy and B#9 was because we kept flirting with each other, even when we were trying to just be friends.  With both of them I found conversation pretty easy from the beginning, but there was alcohol involved and that can definitely help.  There was also more pressure at work, I only had a few instances each day to talk to him (our paths didn't cross often) whereas with SRG or B#9 we were hanging out one-on-one.  If I got to know Boyfriend (sorry/not sorry, the nickname stuck) better, would I be less nervous around him?

(Continued in Part 2)

Flirting and Other Fine Arts - Part 2

(Continued from Part 1)

The intense nervousness is sort of adorable, but also frustrating.  At the start of his last day Boyfriend told me that he was leaving and why.  My friend had been pointing out for weeks how he was telling me personal information that he wasn't telling other people (you don't discuss anything meaningful/personal in Work Flirting, in my book).  On my 30 Before 30 List is "Ask a guy out on a date," and it seemed like a good opportunity.  At the end of our conversation, as we're walking away from each other (but were still facing each other, I don't remember why) I said, "We should get drinks!"  He gave me an inscrutable eyebrow raise, and I kept walking away because the only thing in my brain was, "OMG OMG OMG."  We were both very busy that day, and though he held direct eye contact with me whenever we would see each other, we didn't talk again until the end of the night.  He gave me a hug, said it was great to meet me and he'd see me on the next one.  I probably said something like, "Yeah, you too," but I don't remember because my thoughts = "WHAT?????"

I've had a few days off and spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to understand what had happened.  Was he just Work Flirting with me?  But then why did he tell me so much personal stuff?  And why did he seek me out so often?  Work Flirting is casual, usually with people you have to interact with often for work, but he and I didn't have to interact for our jobs.  But if he was Real Flirting with me, then why didn't he say something about getting drinks??  And unfortunately, my brain's normal response is that I messed it up somehow so I was replaying everything trying to figure out what I did wrong.  Ugh.  My friends said everything from, "He probably didn't mean to be flirting with you," to "Maybe he's out of practice dating, you should text him!"  I tried to stop thinking about it by throwing myself into work and then drinking.  My therapist said I needed to deal with it (not just try to work or drink my way out of my feelings).  Yeah.  So I journaled, painted, and gave myself time to think.

And then he texted me today.  Out of the blue, seemingly just to say hi.  It made me excited and happy, but also really really really really nervous.  Again.

Why am I sharing this?  I would love to hear that other people also get super nervous around people they like, and if anyone has ways that they deal with it (other than running away).  Also, I think it's funny when weird/awkward things happen to me, and sharing it makes me feel better.  In movies/tv/etc. we see guys getting very nervous around women but less often women getting very nervous around men (or those women are written as socially inept in general).  If anyone thinks that only guys get nervous around people they like, *ahem* women sometimes do too!

I'm also sharing because turned on myself like a Mean Girl, and it's something I'm working on.  I see it in how I write/talk about it, the amount of times I use words like "dumb" and "idiot."  I like to stay cool, calm and collected, and when there's someone I can't keep my cool around, I freak out even more.  People have always told me I'm hard on myself, I used to think it was a compliment, but I'm trying to be kinder to myself.  To the other perfectionists/overthinkers out there, I get you.  Give yourself a break.

There's a lyric from "Spiralling" by Keane: "When we fall in love/ We're just falling/ In love with ourselves."  I think the song as a whole is about how love can be narcissistic, but that lyric has always fascinated me.  When I fall in love, I'm not falling in love with myself, I'm looking for whatever parts of myself I need to hide or kill off in order for the person to like me.  I'm trying to hide the skeletons in my closet and/or choreographing their entrances. I think this is common to some extent, but recently it's concerned me. I'm looking for a way that falling in love can be falling in love with myself too, instead of tearing myself to pieces.  I know that it can be attractive when people are authentically themselves, but as Brene Brown says, "Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you."   Change isn't easy, but I think it's worth it.

Clean Slate 2016

Over the past year, people have talked to me about “making space.”  Was I making space for someone new?  Was my friendship with Bachelor #9 allowing space for the relationship I’m looking for?  Though I hoped I was making/allowing space, but how do you know? 

The New Year provided some inspiration and perspective.  I decided I wanted to start 2016 with a clean slate, which translated to initiating 3 different breakup conversations in December.  One was with the guy I mentioned in Five Things I Learned in 2015, who I had a “What Are We” conversation with that was interrupted by a Sugar Ray song.  He'd said he just wanted to be friends, but it was confusing because we flirted with each other a lot and kind of acted like we were in a relationship.  At the end of our “I Can’t Do This Anymore” conversation, in which he had been saying that he didn’t mean to be flirting with me, he said “I love you.”  

  

Though it was a frustrating situation and at times made me feel CRAZY, it helped in the long run because I could clearly see that he was saying one thing but doing another.  And my friends pointed out that that's exactly what Bachelor #9 had also been doing, and why I had a tough time being friends with him.  In Five Things I Learned in 2015 I wrote that I wasn't waiting for B#9 to get in contact with me and was all:

But I realized that wasn't entirely true.  I was trying to move on and date, but I was also trying to keep myself emotionally prepared so whenever he did reappear I wouldn't be completely destroyed.  It was like walking around every day waiting for someone to pop out and shout BOO! and punch you in the heart.  I felt powerless.  A major topic in our last conversation (in July) had been, "How can we be in each other's lives and not drive each other crazy?" and it seemed like his answer was for us to not be in each other's lives.  But he still had the option to pop into my life and I didn't have the option to pop into his, and that seemed unfair to me.  I would've liked to have a conversation about it, but I didn't think that was an option.  He had 5 months of space.  It's awful to be in love with someone who isn't going to pick you, but it won't get better the longer you wait.  On New Year's Eve I realized that I didn't want to drag that mess into 2016 with me.  I was trying to start off with a clean slate, and having the situation with B#9 unresolved was interfering.  Looking back I guess I could've tried to have more of a conversation with him about it, but after 5 months of him being MIA I figured the only option was to text him.  I sent him a long text that started off, "It's been 5 months and I'm tired of waiting for you to break my heart again when your schedule permits."  ^^This is what happens when you break a writer's heart.  He replied with a short text that said he never meant to hurt me, but it felt sort of cold.  It didn't make me feel better about all that had happened.  The year we'd spent trying to figure out how to be in each other's lives.  The 5 months I'd been waiting for him to reappear.  All the times I told myself that he would never disappear, because he'd said he never would.  Maybe he didn't mean to hurt me, but at some point I think he had to know that he was hurting me and it hurt even more that he couldn't take responsibility for his actions.  I listened to the Tame Impala's album Currents a LOT in 2015, and there's a line in the song "Eventually" that seemed fitting: "I know I always said that I could never hurt you/ Well this is the very, very last time I'm ever going to." I also got rid of the things in my apartment that were connected to the exes of 2015: notes I'd written of things I wanted to talk to B#9 about, a necklace from the night I met Sugar Ray guy, records that another ex gave me.  I still miss B#9 and Sugar Ray guy, but I'm trying to give it time.  I've been working a lot, and that helps in some ways, but also doesn't leave time for dating.  As I'm clearing space I'm also aware that my tendency is to fill that space in my life with whoever comes along, and I'm trying hold that space for someone who will be a healthy part of my life, whose words and actions line up, who is able to offer what I'm looking for (and vice versa).  Recently I was missing Sugar Ray guy and looked through old texts to remind myself of how confusing that situation was, so I wouldn't get myself back into it.  I saw a text about that night when we had the What Are We conversation in the bar, and he'd really wanted to put a song on the jukebox.  I'd later asked about what song it was and he sent me the video:


It's a cover of an 80's song, and the chorus is: "I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say/ I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be/ But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me, I promise, I promise you I will..."
And I remembered how confusing it was.  So I didn't text him.  Thanks, Sugar Ray guy.

Five Things I Learned in 2015 (Part 1)

Dear blog,

I’ve missed you!  Sorry I’ve been away for so long, I’ve wanted to write for a while and didn’t know what to say.  A lot has happened since May, so to catch up I made a list of Five Things I Learned in 2015:

1. My heart moves at its own speed: 

When a friend was advocating for me to break up with Bachelor #9 in November 2014 she said, “That way you’ll be ready for a sexy New Year’s date!”  Instead I spent New Year’s as a 7^th wheel (the only single person with three couples), and after several tequila shots I met a guy who happened to have the same name and be the same age as Bachelor #9 and made out with him.  (Cue reaction.) Not my idea of a sexy New Years date, and I clearly wasn’t over B#9. 

I spent most of the year trying to get over him, and I think how long it took frustrated many of my friends.  B#9 and I tried to remain friends, but our friendship became more affectionate over time and I felt like he was sending mixed signals.  After one of many “what are we doing/what do you want” talks in July he said he needed space.  I pined, wallowed, eventually dated (a guy I dated actually sent me that gif, but more on that later).  By November I realized that my heartache was increasing instead of subsiding, so I reached out to B#9.  He said he still needs space, and I haven’t heard from him since.  I assume at some point he’ll resurface, but I’m not waiting.  As a friend recently wrote, “You can only break someone's heart so many times before you begin to kill the part of them that loved you in the first place.”  He's broken my heart too many times, and I realized that I don’t want to be with someone who is so avoidant.  But I had to figure that out for myself, as we all have to figure out things in our own time.  Friends and family can tell us but our hearts and minds only really listen when we’re ready, and when people tried to beat me over the head with it I only felt worse.  I appreciate those who showed understanding and compassion, as it helped me to accept the speed at which my heart goes.  And I advocate for acceptance of the unique dances that each of our hearts do, to have more compassion for your heart and others!

2. Change is MUCH easier said than done: 

I’ve talked to a lot of people this year about Order Muppets and Chaos Muppets, it usually gets a laugh out of people and it’s an interesting way to get to know someone.  It’s especially useful in a dating context, because it allows people to tell you upfront where they are on the Chaos Muppet/Order Muppet continuum.  After dating B#9 I realized that though I usually dated Chaos Muppets, I was better off with someone who was more of an Order Muppet (though maybe not as much of an OrderMuppet as B#9 is).

And then I dated the most chaotic Chaos Muppet I’ve ever dated.  *Facepalm*

A few weeks after B#9 said he needed space, I decided to test the waters on dating.  I’d taken a dating hiatus for much of the year because dating seemed like a chore, but (perhaps not taking the above advice about the speed of my heart) I started swiping on Tinder.  OkCupid requires a lot of time and felt overwhelming, but Tinder seemed manageable and appropriate for dipping my toe in the dating pool.  I hoped to go on a few dates and see how I felt, but instead I met one guy and ended up in a relationship that was overwhelming and scary.  On our first date he said that it was really important to him that I felt safe with him, but in the week (yes, week) we dated and the following week in which we tried to be friends, he hurt me physically and emotionally.  I cut all contact with him and thankfully haven’t seen him since, but it shook me to my core.  And I was so mad at myself, I felt like I knew better or at least I should’ve known better.  But it’s hard to change who you’re drawn to, even when you “know better.”  I haven’t gotten back on Tinder since, and have at times been frustrated by the Chaos Muppet parade that has been my love life can be but know that recognizing the problem is the first step to change.  And I focus on what I am looking for in a partner: kind, easy-going, overall positive and supportive, all of which are the opposite of the guys I usually date!  

(click here for Part 2!)

Five Things I Learned in 2015 (Part 2)

(Continued from Part 1)

3. Introvert’s Guide to Meeting People: saying ANYTHING is better than nothing.  

I’ve always struggled with initiating conversations with strangers.  Once a conversation is going I have no problem talking to new people, but I felt like I missed the class on How To Start Conversations With Strangers.  But since I’ve eschewed online dating lately, I forced myself to be more proactive in talking to cute guys I saw at a party/bar/on set.  My main obstacle was that I felt like I needed to have a clever opening line.  People would say, “You can just walk up and say hi!” but I didn’t really believe it until I tried it.  I saw a cute guy at a party and couldn’t think of a clever opener, so I just sat down next to him and introduced myself.  AND IT WORKED!  It may seem small, but was a big breakthrough for me.

I’m not saying you can always start a conversation with anyone, but in my experience there are:

a) people that want to talk to you and they will engage in a conversation with you even if you start it with something dumb, and

b) some people who don’t really want to talk to you and the conversation will go nowhere even if you start it with something brilliant.
Even when I’ve tried to talk to someone who wasn’t interested, I’ve been glad that I tried and found out instead of wondering “What If”!

4. Ask for what you want/need (first, learn what you want/need): 

Maybe this comes naturally for some people, but I am not one of those people.  I’ve been working on it this whole year and it’s still difficult for me to ask someone directly for what I want/need.  I hate feeling needy, and part of my brain tells me that having any needs at all is being needy.  (Ugh.)  This year I’ve tried to be a student of myself, to figure out what I want/need to be happy and healthy.  We can get stuck in molding our lives after others’, trying to adopt the workout schedule of your favorite actor or the writing schedule of your favorite writer.  If that works as a jumping off point for you, great!  But often it leaves us feeling like, “This works for that person, why doesn’t it work for me?”  Because you’re you and there’s nothing wrong with that, you beautiful unique snowflake! 

This was most pronounced for me when I went from working from home on my own schedule (i.e. I had lots of control over my environment) to working 12 hour or more days on set (i.e. I had very little control over my environment).  I had to work hard to make sure I was eating enough and sleeping enough (well, enough to function), before I could even start on needs for purpose, connection, etc.  But it’s been an exciting challenge, to understand what I really need and how to take care of those needs regardless of what is going on. 

5. Embrace Absurdity: 

Recently I was having a heavy “What are we” conversation with a guy in a bar (not my choice of venue, but an overdue conversation) and Sugar Ray’s song “Every Morning” came on the jukebox.  If you aren’t familiar with the song, it was played to death in the late 1990’s and is sugary pop awfulness.  I didn’t really notice the song, but the guy in question said that he couldn’t have a serious conversation while this song was playing.  This annoyed me at first, who cares what song is playing?  And how dare Sugar Ray interrupt this important conversation??  But then we laughed, and I realized that Sugar Ray had actually done me a favor.  It gave us a little break in a tough conversation, and we laughed at the ridiculousness of the song and trying to have a meaningful conversation while that song was playing. 

I can sometimes get very stuck in heavy conversations or stuck in my own head, and I am so grateful for little things that can pull me out of the heaviness, even for a moment, and remind me that not everything has to be THAT serious.  These little moments often end up being the ones we remember, they can be far more important or memorable than the serious thing it interrupted.  So now I keep an eye out for things that can help me pull myself out of bad moods, cute animal videos, songs that make me dance, Bitmojis, and friends who make me laugh.  And I appreciate the things that surprise me, even if it is a Sugar Ray song!

My 30 Before 30 List

My 29th birthday is at the end of the month (May 31st, I'm a Gemini and yes that explains some things).  My anxiety about turning 30 started when I turned 28, so my approaching 29th birthday only increased it.  I decided I needed to find a way to get excited about my birthday, so I decided to make a 30 Before 30 List: 30 things I want to do before I turn 30.

I started making the list a few weeks ago and have already crossed a few things off, I'll post now and then about my progress on the list.  My rules for what can be on the list are that they have to all be things that I could likely do before May 2016, and they have to be "cross-off-able" so not like "Accept myself just as I am," because though I am working on that it's not something I can say, "Ok that's done and I can cross it off the list."  And I'm trying to keep it balanced so I'm not setting an unreasonable expectation for myself in the next year!

I'm sharing my 30 Before 30 List for a few reasons:

1. I hope that it will be interesting and entertaining for others, and perhaps inspire others to do things they've been meaning to do but have put off.  
2. I'm currently on a dating hiatus.*
3. I'm a workaholic, and my 30 Before 30 List will help encourage me to do things other than work! 
4. I'm aware that much of my anxiety about turning 30 is part of our culture's narrative about women and aging: basically women should try not to age or show age or talk about age.  We're taught to worship at the altar of youth and beauty, and it's all downhill from here.  It's a narrative of fear and scarcity: worries about fewer viable partners, being able to have kids, being less desirable, and time is the enemy (cue Garfunkel and Oates: 29/31).  This is my effort to call out and combat this weird bullshit.  Not that all women feel this way about turning 30, but that many share the same anxiety about aging in general.  And my tendency is to take awkward things that people generally don't talk about and put them front and center (e.g. The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide), I don't even quite know why.  Chalk it up to being a Gemini?

*Explanation of the Dating Hiatus: recently I've encountered some health issues that I realized were making dating very stressful for me, so I've decided to take a break from dating while dealing with these health issues.  I may explain it further in the blog in the future, and I haven't figured out exactly how long the hiatus will last (will somewhat depend on my health!) but figured it was worth noting in the blog.  

So here's my 30 Before 30 List:

(well, the 21 things I have on the list so far, and I'm glad that I have room to add!)

Career Goals

1. Get full financing for my film The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide.
2. Start Production on my film The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide.

Around LAlaland
3. Go to Chateau Marmont.
4. Go to a Cinefamily Screening.
5. Go to the Watts Towers.
6. Plan a beach day with friends.
7. See a movie I've been meaning to see for ages.
8. Go to Renaissance Faire.
9. Volunteer for at least one day (at a soup kitchen or animal shelter, etc.).

Get out of Town

10. Go to Salvation Mountain/The Salton Sea/Slab City/Cabazon Dinosaurs
11. Go to at least one state I haven’t been to yet (Colorado, North Dakota, South Dakota, Ohio, Minnesota, Nebraska, Iowa, Indiana, Michigan, Vermont, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, or Maine)
12. Go camping in Joshua Tree.

Me!
13. Clean out my closet, donate or sell clothes I don’t wear.
14. Go through & get rid of at least one box from my parents’ garage.
15. Do the Master/Master Teacher Reiki course.
16. Take a day off and do something fun!
17. Ask someone out on a date.

18. Get something nice for my apartment, like a framed piece of art. 

19. Get a massage. 

NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) - may be revealed at a later date, but for now I'll keep these secret

20. NSFM Goal #1

21. NSFM Goal #2 

So far I've crossed 3 things off the list:
4. Go to a Cinefamily Screening.
5. Go to the Watts Towers.

8. Go to Renaissance Faire.
And I'll write about them some time in the near future!

If you have suggestions for things to add to the list, leave a comment below!
xoxo Jean

On Being Bossy, Unbreakable, and Daring Greatly

I wrote a guest post on Bitchflicks about crowdfunding on Seed&Spark for my film The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide, called "Being Bossy, Unbreakable, and Daring Greatly" about some of the challenges we all face with gender roles and "rules," the type of characters I'm trying to create and how those characters inspire me.  Since I've often written about gender roles in this blog, I wanted to re-post the blog here.

Shameless Plug: Our crowdfunding campaign ends this Wednesday 4/22 at 1:11pm Pacific, and we have to hit 80% of our goal to get the contributed funds.  Please help us hit this goal, even $5 helps get us closer!  This film can help people and save lives, and it's (obviously) very dear to my heart.  The first scene of the movie, information about our cast & crew and so much more is here: http://www.seedandspark.com/studio/average-girls-guide-suicide.

Quick Dating Update: Still not dating.  I've been focusing on work, and the most recent guy from OkCupid who seemed interesting still hasn't asked me out on a date after a month of emailing back and forth.  Notice the past tense on "seemed interesting."  I don't have time for that ish!

Alright, now for "Being Bossy, Unbreakable, and Daring Greatly":

Occasionally recently I’ve wondered, “Am I being bossy?”  I’m a writer/director/producer, currently crowdfunding for my first feature film The Average Girl’s Guide to Suicide, and the sole manager of the LLC for our film.  So, I am a boss.  (Not like this, but a bit like a #bosswitch) But as Sheryl Sandberg’s Ban Bossy campaign states, “When a little boy asserts himself, he's called a ‘leader.’ Yet when a little girl does the same, she risks being branded ‘bossy.’” As a 28-year-old, I can vouch that it’s not just little girls that are affected by “bossy.” I’m trying to Ban Bossy in my own brain (or accept that I am a boss and it’s ok if I’m “bossy”) and it got me thinking about our society’s gender expectations and how they can hold all of us back.

In Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly, she writes that according to society’s rules women have to “be willing to stay as small, sweet, and quiet as possible, and use our time and talent to look pretty.”  This made me laugh out loud, because A) I have often felt pressure to be as small, sweet, and quiet as possible, and use my time and talents to look pretty, and B) as a director you generally should not try to be as small, sweet, and quiet as possible or use your time or talents to look pretty.  It’s not bad to be small/sweet/quiet/pretty if that’s your nature, but forcing yourself to be as small or quiet as possible is rarely conducive to getting a movie made.  Personally I’m not small, not often quiet, I try to be kind (but not saccharin sweet), and I’m no beauty queen.  As we’ve been expanding our team, talking to more people about the film, and crowdfunding, I’m constantly running into the societal expectations embedded in my brain.  Self-promotion is not small, sweet, or quiet.  Making a dark comedy about suicide is not small, sweet, or quiet.  Asking people for money is not small, sweet or quiet. 

(Behind the scenes of making the teaser video for The Average Girl’s Guide to Suicide.)

Luckily I’m not alone in this struggle.  Brené Brown writes: “…every successful woman whom I’ve interviewed has talked to be about the sometimes daily struggle to push past ‘the rules’ so she can assert herself, advocate for her ideas, and feel comfortable with her power and gifts.”  If you’re reading this, it’s likely that you can relate also.  Think about how incongruous it is for female CEOs, doctors, or fighter pilots to be concerned with being small/sweet/quiet/pretty.  I hope you just laughed.  Perhaps the next time you feel pressure in your own life to be small/sweet/quiet/pretty, remind yourself of that laugh you just had. 

Women aren't the only ones who are hampered by society’s expectations; “the rules” for men can be just as suffocating as “the rules” for women.  According to Brown these expectations for men can be summed up as: don’t be wrong, don’t be weak, and don’t show fear.  If men step outside those lines, they are often shamed.  The more I've leaned into leadership roles, the more I've felt these expectations too and they aren't fun.  Recently I felt so scared about whether we would hit our crowdfunding campaign goal, and felt like I needed to keep a brave face for everyone else and not show my fear.  Then I realized the trap I was falling into.  I’m lucky to have friends and family who are there for me, and even several friends who have told me that the middle of a crowdfunding is a terrifying desert.  Getting support from friends and family and remembering that I’m not alone help me get out of shame spirals. 

(The ever-inspiring Brené Brown.)

There have been several articles recently critiquing the concept of “Strong Female Characters.”  The problem isn’t with realistic female characters who show resilience, but instead to women who are…basically dudes.  From one such article: “A female character simply having typically masculine traits doesn’t necessarily strengthen her; it only promotes the view that men are the strong ones in the world, and that to be strong means to emulate them.”  I would also argue that in real life, to be strong women we don’t need to try to be strong men.  I’ve been that girl: trying to be stronger, tougher, and more foul-mouthed than the guys, and it’s exhausting.  Because though I can be strong, tough, and sometimes rather foul-mouthed, I am also very empathetic, caring and sensitive.  Trying to be as strong and tough as possible doesn’t leave room for empathetic and sensitive, and I believe it’s better to embrace your true nature rather than fake another.  A friend has a poster that to me has good examples of how letting go of gender norms can ease the burden on both genders.  I look forward to a world where we can accept and celebrate men and women equally for their sensitivity as well as their strength. 

Recently there’s a new strong feminine heroine: the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.  She encourages others to pursue their dreams, and determinedly pursues her own.  She likes helping people, she’s good at it, and she also takes care of herself.  She’s strong because when she gets knocked down, she gets back up.  Kimmy Schmidt shows that being kind, optimistic, and supportive can be part of being strong. 

(A little rain won’t stop The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt!)

As a woman and a writer, it’s encouraging to see strong and empathetic characters.  My film is about a young woman’s journey to accept herself and create a life she wants to live, and it took several years of working on the script (and “doing the work” in my life) to really understand what self-acceptance feels like.  It’s easier to write about a character accepting herself than to accept myself, and it’s still something I work on every day.  I love how fictional characters can help teach us in our real lives, and my characters continue to teach me.  They push me and challenge me to be as brave as they are, and I hope they can inspire you too.  

Guest Blog on DateMy...!

I wrote a guest blog for the UK dating site DateMy..., which allows members to find dates for people in their lives!
My post is about what I've learned through this experiment, check it out here!

They even said I'm two years younger than I really am, and especially with my birthday coming up I don't mind it at all!  :)

Too Busy To Date?

As I'm writing this it's already after midnight, technically very early Monday morning.  In approximately fourteen hours I will likely be a human stress knot because that's when we launch crowdfunding for my film, The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide.  I started writing the script in 2009 and this is the first time we're presenting it to the public.  It is REALLY exciting and terrifying.  I think it's like sending your kid off to school for the first time, or maybe like finding out you're pregnant?  I remember getting a pregnancy announcement in the mail from a friend and briefly feeling like, "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??" and then realizing that this film is my first child and requires time, money, energy, commitment, and tender loving care just like a baby.  And luckily I have a group of people who are helping to bring this film to life.

EDIT: We successfully launched our crowdfunding campaign!  Check it out: www.seedandspark.com/studio/average-girls-guide-suicide

Perhaps like a worried parent, I stay up late working most nights and wake hours before my alarm thinking about things I need to do and writing emails in my head.  I'm working on mindfulness and meditation.  I'm also working on eating before I'm so famished my brain stops functioning (there's just so much to do).  I'm not complaining, this the life that I've chosen and honestly this is living the dream.  I'm pouring my heart and soul into a project that is incredibly dear to me, and I get to work with people I adore.  But it's also incredibly intense, all-consuming, and most days I'm just trying to survive.

So it doesn't leave much time or energy for dating.

Is being "too busy to date" legitimate or just an excuse?  I miss being in a relationship, but first dates require a whole different level of energy.  I don't necessarily feel like I have my best foot forward when I'm in survival mode.

I actually went on my first date since November recently.  I'd been using the dating app Hinge for months and would match with guys but none ever sent me a message.  When a guy finally did send me a message, a few weeks ago, I was quite surprised!  He asked me out for a drink, and I figured "Why not?"  But as I headed to the date, having not eaten dinner (I'd had a late lunch) and rather preoccupied by work, I wasn't feeling like I was in the right mindset for a date.  It was also my first non-Post-Modern-Matchmaker date in a while (so I won't write about it in detail, and he doesn't get a Bachelor number) and it was interesting to remember what it's like to go on a date with a guy who hasn't read the blog.  I realized that the blog sometimes could add pressure to a first date (for me to live up to expectations set by the blog, or for a guy to meet expectations he perceived in the blog) but it also is sort of a window into my brain and that can be helpful to both parties.

During the date I asked if he'd read the article on Order Muppets and Chaos Muppets.  He hadn't, and I explained that the idea is that people are like Order Muppets (like Kermit the Frog) or Chaos Muppets (like Animal or Gonzo).  He immediately said that he was a Chaos Muppet, then said he was a bit of both but probably mostly a Chaos Muppet.  He'd already told me that he had no filter and is an adrenaline junkie, although he's also an engineer, so that seemed like a fair evaluation.  I'm definitely a Chaos and Order mix.  After college I had a few Chaos Muppet years where I bounced around the country (I usually call them The Vagabond Years).  When I moved back to LA I had a few Order Muppet years as a Personal Assistant, Executive Assistant, and sometimes Assistant Director (the Order Muppet of a film set).  And now I'm trying to find a balance.  I like having routine, but I need some flexibility in my routine.

An interesting part of the Order Muppet/Chaos Muppet theory is that apparently opposites attract, usually couples are one Order Muppet and one Chaos Muppet.  I can see that I've dated both Chaos Muppets and Order Muppets, and each bring out the opposite in me.  I've mostly dated Chaos Muppets (e.g. guys who lived in buses) so I usually end up being the Order Muppet in the relationship.  Bachelor #9 is definitely an Order Muppet, and it felt sort of weird to be the Chaos Muppet in a relationship.  And maybe because he was SUCH an Order Muppet, I felt like SUCH a Chaos Muppet.  It seems like lately I've been drawn to Chaos Muppets again, but that seems like a bad idea.  Remember what my daily life is like?  And months ago when I realized that I want to date guys who are kind and nurturing?  I don't think those are usually Chaos Muppets.  I don't need anyone who brings more chaos into my life.  I'm dangerously close to getting involved with a particular Total Chaos Muppet I know, but my brain keeps saying, "Oh no, that will.not.end.well."  So the Order Muppet side is telling the Chaos Muppet side to be quiet, try to behave.

In related news, Bachelor #9 seems to be Nick Miller Awkward Moon Walking out of my life, which is less endearing in reality and also oddly sort of what I expect from an Order Muppet vs. Chaos Muppet situation like this.  (Side note: Nick Miller & Jessica Day are an excellent example of a Chaos Muppet/Order Muppet relationship.  Nick Miller is such a Chaos Muppet!  And Jess was the Chaos Muppet in other relationships, but had to be an Order Muppet in their relationship.  /NewGirlRant)  There also is a possibility that since I expect an Order Muppet to Awkward Moon Walk out of my life, that I might interpret a little shuffling as Awkward Moon Walking out of my life.  Because in some ways it's easier to say he is Just Like All The Rest and I Never Should Have Even Tried, but I'm trying not to put all the Sins of Past Exes onto current events.

On the OkCupid front, I did delete some messages from my inbox to make room for new messages...and immediately remembered why I'd let it fill up.  However, there was a message from a guy who seemed cute and interesting, so we traded a few messages.  I was getting tired of messaging on OkCupid so I not-so-subtly hinted that he should ask me out on a date.  I gave him my email address and said if he wanted to meet up sometime he should email me, and that I'm busy with crowdfunding but can make time for a drink.  He emailed me, but still has not asked me out.  I've found that being really busy makes me less patient, and in this case I'm just over it.  I'm not looking for a pen pal, Sorry/Not Sorry.  So the OkCupid inbox is now full again, and staying that way for a bit.

Anyways, it's getting quite late and I need to be a functional human being tomorrow.  So lastly, Chaos Muppet would like to share a horoscope with you.  I see astrology as food for thought, not gospel, and Rob Brezsny's Freewill Astrology is one of the few I read.  I think his writing is thought-provoking and I like that it's very positive.  I am a Gemini, and this week's horoscope was so spot on for me that I laughed out loud.  It's advice on how to love a Gemini so it seems appropriate to include here.  Take as seriously or humorously as you like, and apply to Geminis and non-Geminis as you feel fitting.

"The anonymous blogger at Neurolove.me gives advice on how to love a Gemini: 'Don't get impatient with their distractibility. Always make time for great conversation. Be understanding when they're moody. Help them move past their insecurities, and tell them it's not their job to please everyone. Let them have space but never let them be lonely.' I endorse all that good counsel, and add this: 'To love Geminis, listen to them attentively, and with expansive flexibility. Don't try to force them to be consistent; encourage them to experiment at uniting their sometimes conflicting urges. As best as you can, express appreciation not just for the parts of them that are easy to love but also for the parts that are not yet ripe or charming.'"

As Kaypacha says, "Namaste, Aloha, So Much Love."

Part 2 of 2: The Brain, Being a Ferrari, and Letting It Go

At the end of Part 1 I was writing about my frustrations with being a calm, rational person in most areas of my life, but being *ahem* not so calm or rational when it comes to my love life (especially breakups).

I started to see this as the literally different parts of the brain (I studied Neuroscience a bit in college and find it fascinating), so I’m going to talk nerdy to you for a minute.  In the human brain the Neocortex is “involved in higher functions such as sensory perception, generation of motor commands, spatial reasoning, conscious thought and language.”  Let’s call this the Mammalian Brain, which I see as the part of my brain that understands reason and logic.

But buried underneath the Mammalian Brain we have the same parts of the brain as all other vertebrates: sections that control lower brain functions like heart rate, breathing, body temperature and balance. Let’s call this the Reptilian Brain, which I see this as the part of the brain that doesn’t give a fuck about reasons. It sees things as yes/no, fight/flight, kill/be killed, and there no space for the nuance of the Mammalian Brain.

(Disclaimer: The Mammalian Brain/Reptilian Brain division is a way that I had been explaining this dilemma to my friends, when I did more research I found that the terms are used in Paul MacLean’s model called the Triune Brain, which is criticized for being overly simplistic.  I recognize that the brain is ridiculously complex, and I think they’re useful terms in this context but this is not intended to be Neuroscience 101. If you’re interested in the intricate workings of the brain, there's lots of info online or find some Neuroscience textbooks.)

For much of the past few months my Mammalian Brain and my Reptilian Brain have been yelling at each other, and I’m working on how to get them to cooperate rather than fight. For example, my Mammalian Brain will say that there are lots of guys in LA and statistically speaking there must be straight, single, monogamous guys that I’m attracted to who are also attracted to me, and I just have to be patient. But my Reptilian Brain doesn’t understand statistics, anything theoretical, or patience, so it says, “Where are these guys? I don’t see them, they don’t exist!  You're definitely dying alone!” The Mammalian Brain replies with some logical, reasoned response, which the Reptilian Brain cares not a whit about.  And they go back and forth like this.  It's exhausting.  

In Episode 4 of the Love Hurts series in the Strangers podcast, Lea Thau interviews a guy, Joe, who had wanted to date her but the feeling wasn't mutual.  Part of the mismatch was that he’d developed emotional intimacy with her by listening to her podcast, but that didn't allow her to develop the same intimacy with him (which was interesting to me in the context of this blog).  She used to be concerned that talking about her personal life in the podcast could hurt her dating life, and Joe says that he thinks it will filter out the wrong people and the right guys will like her more for it.  Then he adds, “This isn’t for the faint of heart. You’re not for the faint of heart. You’re kind of like a Ferrari, this barely street legal car with license plates,” and Lea laughs at being compared to a Ferrari.  He adds that most people are looking for a Camry and “the fact that few people are compatible and want this does not make it an inferior thing.”  Oof.  For me, Joe hit the nail on the head. I've often wondered, “What’s wrong with me?” with regards to dating.  I've also often thought that I’m not for the faint of heart.  I don’t try to make things difficult, I’m not high maintenance, but my life just tends to be...complicated.   As Joe says, “It’s not that you’re crazy, I recognize that you’re fairly rational, but I just feel like there’s so much passion and intensity there. There’s just a huge amount of horsepower under the hood…”  Joe doesn't see this as a bad thing, it sounds like the passion and intensity is what he liked about Lea and the fact that few people are compatible makes it more special when someone is compatible.

I've dated guys who were too intense for me, but I've felt too intense for others.  When I’m getting to know someone, I’m usually holding back quite a bit until I feel like they can really handle it.  Joe calls Lea out on trying to turn down her horsepower because she’s worried that it will scare guys away, that she’s trying to pretend she’s a Camry instead of a Ferrari, when it’s better to just own it.  Honestly, one of the big things I miss about being with B#9 is that I didn't have to pretend to be a Camry.   I don’t think he totally understood the intensity, but he wasn't afraid of it and seemed in ways to enjoy it. I didn't feel like “Too Much.”  I believe it’s what they call Acceptance: people who like you exactly as you are, and aren't telling you (directly or indirectly) to think less, feel less, talk less or be less.  So Acceptance is something I'm moving up the priorities list in friends and potential romantic partners.

I recently saw the movie Frozen for the first time, and noticed themes of acceptance.  In both "Let It Go" and "For The First Time in Forever," Elsa sings, “Don't let them in, don't let them see/Be the good girl you always have to be/Conceal, don't feel.”  This resonated a lot with me, as with many people, which I think this is part of why Frozen is popular with adults as well as kids. In searching for the lyrics I found interpretations of Elsa as queer or anorexic and lots of different interpretations abound on the internet.  Many people hide who they really are for many different reasons, and can see themselves in Elsa.  Growing up I was told I was "too sensitive," so I tried to hide how much I felt (about everything).  I'm trying to Let It Go, take the gloves off and stop hiding, and it's a daily challenge.  Writing this, being really honest about the heartache and arguments in my brain, is even part of it.

There are theories that what we're attracted to in others shows the areas we need to heal with ourselves (a very hippie explanation of this).  I've been trying to be aware of this with B#9: I was so drawn to how kind and accepting he is, so I'm trying to be more kind and accepting to myself (and others).  Not trying to "be an island," but perhaps if I can be kind and nurturing to myself it can ease the grip that attachment has on me.  Or at least I'll be less of an asshole to myself.  

Lastly, a friend shared an excerpt about Heartbreak from David Whyte today, and I was quite moved by it.  It's quite long, but I'll share a few parts:

"Heartbreak is an indication of our sincerity: in a love relationship, in a life’s work, in trying to learn a musical instrument, in the attempt to shape a better more generous self. Heartbreak is the beautifully helpless side of love and affection and is just as much an essence and emblem of care as the spiritual athlete’s quick but abstract ability to let go. Heartbreak has its own way of inhabiting time and its own beautiful and trying patience in coming and going.

Heartbreak is how we mature; yet we use the word heartbreak as if it only occurs when things have gone wrong: an unrequited love, a shattered dream, a child lost before their time. Heartbreak, we hope, is something we hope we can avoid; something to guard against, a chasm to be carefully looked for and then walked around...

…If heartbreak is inevitable and inescapable, it might be asking us to look for it and make friends with it, to see it as our constant and instructive companion, and even perhaps, in the depth of its impact as well as in its hindsight, to see it as its own reward. Heartbreak asks us not to look for an alternative path, because there is no alternative path. It is a deeper introduction to what we love and have loved, an inescapable and often beautiful question, something or someone who has been with us all along, asking us to be ready for the last letting go."

Part 1 of 2: Strangers, The "Crazy," and Why I'm Single

Ah Valentine’s Day, my least favorite holiday. The first time I had a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day, at sixteen, my boyfriend told me at lunch that sometimes he thinks he’s gay.  He wasn't breaking up with me or coming out (we’re still Facebook friends and he’s not gay), it just somehow came up in conversation.  Being a teenager can be rather confusing.  So if you think that being single for Valentine's Day is the worst, I'm here to tell you that sometimes you're better off being single.  I still kind of dread the holiday, but my friend Keir’s Valentine’s Tune always cheers me up a bit!  (Warning: song contains NSFM language)

It's been a while since I've written and there's been so much on my mind I've made this a two-part entry!

The Old: I’m still not dating anyone, and rather disinterested in online dating.  I meant to de-activate my OkCupid account but kept forgetting. The inbox is full and I deleted the app off my phone, so it’s achieves the same end (not having to check messages) but I know I should actually deal with it sooner or later.

The New: I've been forcing myself to talk to strangers in real life, especially cute guys, and it’s getting easier!  I was at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah for about five days, in LA for about 2 days, then in Panama for a week on vacation with my family.  I learned you really can just walk up to a guy and say hi, and got a little Sundance-mance out of it!  I went from snow to the tropics in a matter of days, saw movies and talked to lots of people about my film, then swam in the ocean, kayaked in the jungle and fed a monkey.  And now I get to refocus on running a business and making a movie.   Life is good, and busy.  And still sometimes, a bit lonely.

During my travels I started listening to the podcast Strangers, because a friend who also recently went through a breakup recommended the episodes called Love Hurts (parts 1-4).  At first I thought, “The last thing I need right now is to listen to something called ‘Love Hurts.’”  But I downloaded an episode and was instantly hooked.  In these episodes the host, Lea Thau, is trying to understand why she’s been single for four years.  She interviews guys she’s dated, a guy who wanted to date her but the feeling wasn't mutual, a Love Coach, and an author of a book about being single.  Although she has some different circumstances (she has a child, and is in her early forties), there is a lot that I relate to.  As the episodes progress, she mentions reactions to the episodes: some people say it’s so uncomfortable to hear about her dating struggles, but many people are saying that it’s great to hear because it makes them feel less alone.  Perhaps that’s the most ironic thing about loneliness: we tend to think we’re the only ones who feel it.

I'm reading Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly and in her research on shame she found that the best way to combat shame is to talk about it.  So after a few months of hiding in my Cave of Solitude, I decided that Valentine's Day was a good time to write about what I've been learning from/about heartache and heartbreak.  It's easy on Valentine's Day for happily coupled people to see other happily coupled people, but it's also easy for unhappily single people to feel like they're the only ones.  You're not alone, sunshine, even in your loneliness.

The truth is: the breakup with Bachelor #9 was tough. The actual breakup wasn't bad, as I said in the blog post at the time, it was probably the healthiest breakup I’d ever had. For a few days I was amazed at how ok I was. And then I spent about the next two months under a dark cloud. I often wore all black or grey, even when I tried to convince myself to wear colors. I could not get myself to care about dating at all. I was rather depressed, and ashamed that I was depressed. We’d only dated for a month, and I knew it couldn't work long-term (aside from his existing relationship which he is committed to long-term, I don’t know if we really have enough in common) so what the hell is wrong with me? I could remind myself of all the reasons that we’d broken up, the main reason being that I found polyamory too difficult and wanted to create space for a monogamous relationship. Part of my brain understood the reasons and would repeat them over and over when I missed him, trying to make the reasons bigger than the sadness. But another part of my brain would remember how I felt when he held my hand, or the way he used to look at me, or just how much I enjoyed spending time with him, and none of the reasons mattered anymore.

This started to make me feel crazy.  I felt out of control of my feelings, my thoughts, even the colors I wore.  He and I didn't talk for a month, but that didn't help.  I felt like I was holding my breath for a month, which is not usually what "moving on" feels like.  When we started to talk again, I've found being friends is tougher than I expected.  Some friends have told me to cut all contact, which I don't want to do, but then I feel like I shouldn't tell them when being in contact with him is difficult.  And I realized, this is why I'd been single for so long: I'd seen this "crazy" side of me before, and had wanted to avoid it at all costs.

When I was a senior in high school I started dating a guy and we quickly fell deeply in love with each other.  I was so happy, as long as we were together I didn't care what else was going on.  I'd never felt that way about anyone and it was incredible.  For two years we had a very loving but tumultuous relationship.  We broke up a few times and got back together, so it took me a while to realize that the last time we broke up, it was for real.  And then I literally thought I was going to die of heartbreak.  For two years, I didn't date or get involved with anyone.  When my heart finally healed I thought, "Been there, done that, never need to do that again."  And I haven't been in a serious relationship since.  That was almost ten years ago, Lea Thau, if that makes you feel any better.

I've dated, been in relationships that we didn't call relationships, I even had a boyfriend for a few months (a summer romance, six years ago).  I thought that if you aren't officially together you can't really break up, and if I didn't have breakups I couldn't get my heart broken.  Both of those are false, and I was even more ashamed to be upset over a breakup of a non-official-relationship.  I've even fallen in love (though never told any of the guys that I loved them) and had my heart broken.  But almost all of them were relationships I knew could never work long-term, so if I let myself fall it was my own damn fault.  I should have known better, and controlled my feelings better (hah!).  I wanted to avoid that bone-crunching level of heartbreak so I tried to not get too close to anyone, or cut it off if we were getting too close.  Even with B#9, I ended it because I had fallen for him.  At the start our relationship I hoped that I would learn that I could have a meaningful relationship, it could end, and I would be ok.  Instead I landed at, "I Should Never Date Anyone, Ever."

My "crazy" isn't even all that crazy: I don't stalk people, I don't send lots of text messages or call repeatedly, or other stereotypical "scorned woman" behavior.  But I stew about things, talk to my friends about it, and generally just drive myself crazy.  For example, when B#9 took several days to respond to a text (post-breakup and post-month-of-silence), I did not send him angry texts or emails or call him demanding to know if he was ever going to respond.  But I was upset about it and after a (male) friend gave me a "He's Not Into It" talk I cried on his couch until he convinced me to go drink the sadness away.  And I hate being that person, someone who needs a "He's Not Into It" talk, who panics if a text message isn't replied to in 24 hours, who can convince herself that he never actually cared or meant anything he said.  I hate knowing all the reasons I shouldn't want to be with someone, yet part of me still wanting to be with that person.  In the rest of my life I'm not that person, I'm level-headed and calm under pressure, and it often surprises people when they see this other side.  It even surprises me sometimes, and I don't think anyone likes feeling "crazy."

More on trying to understand the different parts of me and parts of my brain in Part 2!

It's Not You, It's Me (2015 Priorities)

Happy 2015!
I hope your new year is already going well.  I've decided 2015 is a year to Take The Bull By The Horns, so I've been trying to make the most of it!

At the top of my priority list is a feature film that I've written and will direct, a dark comedy called The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide (I wasn't kidding about the "dark" part of "dark comedy")!  We're working on putting together financing: last month we got Investment Agreements and I've been writing a Business Plan.  As an indie filmmaker you have to wear LOTS of hats (although *ahem* we are looking for Producers to join our team) so I need to devote a lot of time and energy to this project.  It's been a dream of mine for several years and it's currently my #1 priority to get this movie made and to our audience, so I have to be laser-beam focused and tenacious, aka this.

*NSFM Language Warning: 2 F-bombs ahead*
What's not at the top of my priority list?  Dating.  I'm not throwing in the towel, but dating is going on the back burner.  I definitely need a break from OkCupid, which lately has only been a source of frustration.  Whether it's weird messages (such as, "Any stalkers yet?") or weird guys (a guy who is living in a hammock at the beach recently sent me a series of smiley faces), there's been a real lack of anyone in the Fuck Yes category.  We're getting close to the Fuck-It-I'm-Bored category of dates, which I want to avoid.  I have better things to do with my time than go out with guys I'm not interested in, and they'd probably rather be out with girls that actually might date them, so it's a win-win.

I have been using the dating app Hinge, which matches you with people you're connected to through Facebook friends.  It's basically an app that does the real life matchmaking I was asking my friends to do, so that's cool!  It's a smaller pool of people, which can be good or bad.  For right now it's good because it's less time consuming than OkCupid, but seems to be a bit more substantial than Tinder.  A photographer friend took some new photos of me, and I'm curious to see if some better photos make a difference in who I match with.  I still swipe on Tinder now and then, but usually when I'm about to open Tinder I think, "Is this really the best use of my time?" and usually the answer is.  A friend invited me to a Tinder Dating Game event tonight, so that should at least be entertaining...?

I also still meet guys the good old fashioned way: in real life.  On New Years Eve I literally got picked up at a bar (as in, a guy lifted me into the air.  I don't know why), so at least my weird interactions with guys aren't limited to the virtual world!  But I'm still working on the chutzpah to talk to handsome strangers, and it's a homework assignment I don't mind. :)

And I'm really enjoying just living my life.  Sometimes when I'm out with friends I feel like I should be more actively trying to catch the eye of a handsome stranger, but I'm also quite happy to enjoy hanging out with my friends.  In this new year I'm trying to be very conscious of how I'm spending my time, and make sure I'm spending it with people I really like or on things that are very important.  And watching a lot of movies!

Recently my brother and I were debating whether you should put a lot of effort into dating or whether it'll happen when it happens.  I feel like for the past several months I've put a lot of time and effort into dating, through this experiment and blog.   So for the next month or few, I think I'll try putting that energy into other parts of my life and see how it goes!

I've learned a lot already through this experiment and blog, and I'm so grateful for what I've learned and the conversations it's started.  I have to thank the Bachelors who have been part of the experiment, there literally wouldn't have been an experiment without you guys!  I'm also so grateful for everyone who has been reading, my friends and family, my fellow bloggers, and the strange strangers of the Internet, thanks for following the adventures of my Rubber Ball Heart!  It's been really encouraging to hear from people who have been reading the blog, to know I'm not just talking to myself over here.

If you want to keep in touch in the meantime, the Twitter account for this experiment is @postmodernmatch and The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide is @taggts_.  Or you can drop me a line in the Contact Form on the right side of the blog!

Much love
xoxo
Jean

8 Reasons it Doesn't Suck to Be Single for the Holidays

*Includes a holiday sprinkling of NSFM (Not Safe for Mom) language*

As the Holiday Season starts earlier each year, so does the Holiday Season Singles Anxiety.  The popular narrative is that it is awful to be single for the holidays.  But let's be honest, unless your family kicks you out of their Christmas card for your single status (like Bridget), it's really not so bad.

My dating activity has come to a screeching halt.  The Speed Dating events I've found seem sketchy, Grouper is only in NYC right now, and my friends don't seem to know any eligible bachelors that I'm not already friends with.  I'm bored with OkCupid and no one who has sent a message has been "Fuck Yes" worthy.  A sample recent message (verbatim): "Heyy you look tooo sweet, you are giving me a toothache 'ouch'  lol  ;D"  And I'm like... 

Bachelor #9 and I are talking again (platonically), but in our catch-up talk I seemed to fail at the "I'm Ok" side of the "I'm Ok, You're Ok" discussion.  Nothing makes you say Joy to the World like getting that Look of Concern.  
P.S. I'm fine.
P.P.S.

I've had to face that I'm Super Duper Single for the Holidays. (Can I get a cape?)
Instead of crying into my eggnog, I've been thinking about how being single for the holidays has some advantages:

1) You don't have to go to your significant other's family gatherings, office parties, or friend's friend's parties.  The holiday season is busy enough with just my own social engagements, I don't mind not having to juggle someone else's party schedule.

2) You don't have to decide whether to invite your (perhaps not-so) significant other to your family gatherings office parties, or friend's friend's parties.  Maybe you just started dating, maybe you still don't know if you're "hanging out" or "dating," but the holidays can put a lot of pressure on relationships and non-relationships alike.

3) You can meet someone new (or lots of new someones) at all those holiday parties.  True story: I've been getting better at talking to strangers, and have actually been meeting real guys at holiday parties.  These conversations aren't turning into dates (yet?), but there have been some phone numbers exchanged.  And sometimes it's just fun to flirt.  The best news about all these holiday parties: each new week means more parties and meeting more fish in the sea.

4) Or you could finally make your move/pounce on your crush under the mistletoe.  Nevermind that this usually backfires in movies and TV.  But speaking from personal experience, if it does backfire, at least you probably won't have to see them until next year.

5) You can get a jump start on those New Years Resolutions.  You know that person who is saved in your phone as "Do Not Answer"?  It's better to be on your own than with someone you know is bad for you.  Instead of swearing off the bad behavior starting January 1, start now.  Do Not Answer those calls/texts/snapchats, and Do Not Initiate those calls/texts/snapchats.  2015 will thank you.

6) You can do the holidays your way.  If you want to listen to Maria Carey's Christmas album 24/7, go for it (as long as I don't have to listen).  This year I'm learning how to do the holidays my way: the holiday music I like (such as "Christmas is Going to the Dogs" by The Eels or "Spotlight on Christmas" by Rufus Wainwright), I made a wreath instead of getting a tree, and a total absence of ugly Christmas sweaters.

7) You can finish the year strong!  Were there things you wanted to do in 2014 and didn't get around to?  You still have time, don't let it wait until 2015 if you can get it done in 2014!  Starting December 1st I've been meditating every day, because I'd been meaning to and there's no time like the present! (har har meditation humor)

8) And/Or give yourself a break.  Last year I had quite a bit of romantic drama and I declared December 21st-31st: 10 Days of No New Boy Drama (some just to see if it was possible).  It was awesome.  The end of one year and beginning of another is a good time to look at what's working in your life and what you'd like to work on.  Not New Years Resolutions like, "Go on a diet," but learning what helps you be your happiest, healthiest self.

So Super Duper Singles, repeat after me: I don't want to just be with someone, I want to be with someone awesome. 
xoxo

P.S. Los Angeles!  I'm doing a standup show at Flappers in Burbank TOMORROW night (12/18) at 8pm.  You can buy tickets here.  We'll make you laugh, I promise!