In the previous post I hadn't given specifics, but here's the cool cool cool story: B#13 and I met up at a convention for the TV show Community, known as CommuniCon. (Since he'd worked on the show, I didn't want to write that until I knew it was ok with him.) Definitely not your average date location but as I am a fan of Community, I was pretty excited and very curious about what a Community Convention would look like.
Spoiler alert: There's an Inspector Spacetime spaceship/phone booth, and yes I got a picture in it!
I got there right after the panel that B#13 was a part of and he was signing autographs for fans of the show (he worked on the animation for an episode, which the panel was about). I've never started a date with someone signing autographs before (and I think he actually may have been a bit embarrassed about it), but I know that as an animator he probably rarely gets recognized for the work he does so it's pretty cool to have people asking for an autograph! So I wandered around and looked at fan art until he was done, and then he showed me around the convention and introduced me to people he works with. Again, totally different than a "standard date" of getting drinks or coffee, but I prefer unique/interesting dates!
In many ways, a Full Immersion Date is very appropriate for B#13. He's an intense guy, which can be good and bad. I'd seen some of that intensity in Digital Me vs. Real Me, and A Guy I'm Dating? when I'd been surprised and a bit unnerved that he had done some research on me, but figured (and he also expressed) that he'd just been trying to get to know me. But one of the really good parts of that intensity is that he's very genuine, and he's just being himself without pretense. As I've thought more about the internet research incident, it's actually not as surprising to me that he looked me up, it was surprising that he didn't hide the fact that he'd looked me up. So what, I'd prefer a guy who lied? Especially in LA, I've gotten so used to people that are trying to keep up appearances or "be cool" that someone who isn't concerned about pretense can be a bit jarring, but it's also refreshing. And it also encourages me drop some of my pretense, and catch myself when I'm trying a bit too hard to "be cool."
It's funny, the morning of our date (we were meeting up midday) I woke up and immediately felt the Pre-Date Panic. I wrote in Date #3: A Classy Date with Bachelor #4 that I always get nervous before dates. During the experiment I've been trying to clock when and why I get nervous about dates. At first it was because I felt like I hadn't dated in a while and wasn't sure I knew how to do it. As I've been going on more dates that fear has dissipated, although not entirely as B#9 and I have gotten into unfamiliar dating territory for me (past 3 dates). But first dates, yeah I know how to do those now. So what was this Pre-Date Panic that gripped me that morning? It was a bit of Stressing Because I Didn't Stress Enough Yet, but as I looked into it, it was mostly "What If He Doesn't Like Me?" It's sort of embarrassing to admit, but it's true, and I think some guys don't realize that a girl is also trying to impress them on a date. But since B#13 had done research on me, and we'd chatted online quite a bit, I decided to try on a new attitude. What if I went into the date assuming he does like me? Of course respectfully listening for signs that he doesn't like me, but focusing more on a) enjoying a date and b) figuring out whether I like him. I know this shouldn't seem like a radical shift, people have been telling me to do this for years, but to actually take on that attitude is different. And definitely helped ease my Pre-Date nerves.
Back to the date: after walking around the convention a bit, we sat and chatted for a while. B#13 is very curious and likes to know as much as possible (see: internet research), so we talked about a ton of different things. We talked a bunch about the experiment and what I've been learning. At one point we were talking about how the Chelsea version of the profile was a very confident profile and he asked me, "Are you confident?" I was a little taken aback at how to answer that, and after thinking about it I said that I'm much more confident in my work than in my dating (see: paragraph above). It made me realize that was actually part of why I'd started this dating experiment and blog: I'm very comfortable as a writer and not so comfortable as a dater, so I wanted to use my writing to help me deal with the discomfort of dating. I'd never thought of it that way before and articulated that to B#13, it was an interesting realization to have on a date!
We talked for quite a while, and I realized it was 2pm aka Hangry Danger Zone (I hadn't had lunch). He suggested that we get food, and although I get really nervous eating on dates I was enjoying hanging out with him so I agreed. We figured out a lunch spot and took separate cars since we'd be heading in different directions after lunch.
I got to the restaurant first and when he got there he was visibly upset. We got a table and I asked what was wrong, he said it was a situation on Facebook that he normally wouldn't talk about, but he told me about it. I told him I was glad he did, because if he'd just said, "Oh nothing," I would have wondered why his demeanor had suddenly changed and worried I'd done something wrong. I'd asked him to be open and honest with me (as I'd been open about his research unnerving me) and that doesn't mean "open and honest only when it's good news." My feedback on the situation was, "It seems like there's a pretty simple conversation to be had with that person." I offered to help him with wording, but he quickly seemed to relax and said he wanted to enjoy our lunch. Later he told me that he did have that conversation and resolve the situation, and that I'd really motivated him to do so and he's learned a new skill (how to have a direct conversation about an awkward topic). I though it was sort of funny because I have been working on this myself and hadn't really said much, but I thought it was really cool that he's really actively learning and growing. This experiment has been a PersonalGrowthPalooza for me and it can be a really uncomfortable process, so it is awesome to see someone else also finding those uncomfortable spots and working through them.
(Note: I am under the weather and on some cold medicine, so I will blame that for the completely made up words in this post like "PersonalGrowthPalooza.")
At the end of the date B#13 said he'd like to see me again, and I agreed. After the date I felt a bit of hesitation, because although I enjoyed spending time with him, I wasn't quite sure if we were compatible enough to date or better as friends. Then I reminded myself, the point of dating is to figure out whether you want to date someone. I didn't have to have it all figured out from one date. On the first date you pretty much just need to figure out if you want to go out on a second date with the person. And then go from there. B#13 and I have been talking (via instant messenger) regularly since our date and I do like that he and I can talk about real things, not just "What are you up to?" and pop culture. So whatever it ends up being, I'm glad to have met someone new who is also on this bumpy road of betterment, and I look forward to wherever it takes us!
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Digital Me vs. Real Me, and A Guy I'm Dating?
This experiment continues to surprise me, every week.
We wrapped up Chelsea's Matchmaker week, and it wasn't quite what either of us expected. Our goal was physical attraction, we'd put up a photo that showed my curves a little more, and hoped that boom we'd get some good messages. Instead, we got a lot of messages from far away: not just Tennessee and Nevada, but also France and Turkey. I'm not interested in a long-distance relationship so they're all not viable Bachelor options, and it seemed strange to have a sudden influx of long-distance messages.
Chelsea had asked me to respond to messages this week, although we would discuss the guys and messages beforehand. There were a few guys that I'd sent messages with and seemed cool, but they lived too far away (in California, but 20+ miles away) so they ultimately didn't make the cut.
So Chelsea picked one guy:
Bachelor #12: He'd sent a message that he was reading the blog and answered the OkTrends Compatibility Questions that I'd written about way back in Date #1: Week 1 Bachelor #1, then he and I traded a few messages about traveling. He hadn't responded to the last message I'd sent, but we figured we'd send him a "You've Been Picked" message and see if he responded.
There were a few interesting things that came up with her choice:
1) I see it as a good sign when a guy has read at least some of the blog. I talked about it a bit in Date #6: A (Whoa) Romantic Date with Bachelor #9 and now I've seen it a few times. There are logical compatibility reasons: I want to be with someone who likes my work, and if someone likes the blog they probably like my sense of humor. And it's a little ego boost, which doesn't hurt! I'm not necessarily interested in every guy who reads the blog, but it's an interesting trend.
2) Bachelor #12 is 25 and according to OkCupid "Non-Monogamous." Bachelor #9 is also 25 and non-monogamous. Wtf? (Mom, that stands for "Where's the Fun?" Don't look it up.) Chelsea had originally considered 25 "not age appropriate" (I'm 28) but had given the ok when I told her that B#9 was 25 and we'd had great dates. I hadn't noticed that B#12 is non-monogamous, Chelsea pointed it out. That is a compatibility issue, but more on that later.
Bachelor #12 promptly replied to the message that Chelsea had picked him. He said he'd meant to reply to the previous message, but had a fever and then got hit by a car. He's busy catching up on work this weekend but next weekend should work. Uh...alright! Getting hit by a car doesn't usually seem like an "I'll be fine next weekend" incident, but I guess I will ask him for more details about it if we do schedule a date.
I was a little bummed that we only had one new Bachelor, and he was unavailable for a bit. Chelsea and I are looking into Singles Mixers and Speed Dating events to see if we can find an interesting one. She also is going to ask a friend of her if he would go on a friend date with me, we'd met once and he thought the experiment was interesting.
However, the day after Chelsea had made her choices (but before we got the new Matchmaker profile up) a new guy sent a message. I took particular notice of it because he had also sent me an Instagram Follow Request (my Instagram is private), and my Instagram is not connected to the OkCupid profile. He looked cool and he also works in Film & TV, but I couldn't figure out how he had found my Instagram account. I was a little weirded out, but also intrigued. The internet is all public so I couldn't be mad/offended that he'd made the connection, I just wanted to know how. I posted on Facebook about it to see if a friend had connected us (I've been asking people to make real-life Matches) but no one claimed it.
And then I realized, I could just ask him. Whoa, novel idea! So I sent him a message, politely asking how he'd made that connection. I figured there was a 75% chance he would not respond, because I know it could be seen as me "calling him out." But he did respond! He said that in Google Chrome, if you right click there's an option to Search Google For This Image, he'd done that with my photos on OkCupid and found my Instagram. As a former personal assistant, I thought I knew all the tricks to internet research/stalking, but this was something new! I also really liked that he was honest about it.
I checked in with Chelsea about it, and she approved him to be Bachelor #13. For the record: he's 26, and doesn't list on his profile whether he's monogamous or non-monogamous. Also for the record: what's up with all the younger dudes? I'm not a puma yet, right?
Bachelor #13 and I exchanged a few messages in which he made a joke about a certain TV show (Edit: I checked with him and he said it's ok to use divulge that the TV show is Community) so I made a joke about that TV show, then he told me that he actually used to work on said TV show and was speaking on a panel at a convention for that show this weekend. Would I want to be his guest at the convention? Um, YEAH! I'm not generally into conventions (I've never been to Comic-Con and don't plan to go) but a smaller convention about a show I like? Yes. Getting to meet a guy in his element? Double yes. I was pretty excited.
He'd said he preferred to instant message a bit before meeting up with someone, so we chatted for a while and got to know each other. Most of the Bachelors and I have talked on the phone and texted before we met up, and it was interesting how instant messaging is a bit different. We talked about our jobs (we both work in Film & TV but in different types/capacities), we're both problem-solvers, and we were able to make each other laugh (which is always good).
As we talked, a few things came up that showed he'd been doing some internet research about me. Nothing that took an extraordinary amount of searching: looking me up on IMDB, looking up the movie I'm working on, and following me on Twitter. But he's the first Bachelor to do such (or at least to tell me), and it caught me off guard. And as someone with a Rubber Ball Heart it triggered my flight reflex a bit. I like when a guy reads the blog, so why did this seem strange? The OkCupid profile has a link to the blog, but it takes more effort for a guy to do independent research on me. And connecting via multiple social media platforms rang of that velocity that sends me into Rubber Ball mode, it made me feel a little cornered. But I figured it was intended as a compliment, he was trying to get to know me and my work. I didn't think he was going to show up at my front door unannounced, so what was I concerned about?
I realized one reason it made me nervous was because I didn't want to be in the shadow of my online self. What if Real Life Me is a disappointment compared to his impression of me from the blog/Instagram/Twitter/IMDB/Youtube, etc.? I never try to misrepresent myself, but all of those are just representations, they aren't actually me. You are not your Facebook profile. And if someone gets to know Digital Me before Real Me, could that get in the way of them really getting to know Real Me? I prefer to get to know someone in person, and it's interesting to see the different ways people get to know each other.
I also can be a bit guarded about my personal history. My life has taken some unusual twists and turns and I am very grateful for the experiences I've had, but I feel some of it needs a bit of context. For example, I've spent quite a bit of time with both anarchists and movie stars (separately) and I like people to get to know me a bit before I talk about either of those parts of my life. Again, those aren't me. My past influences who I am, but there are a lot of pieces to the puzzle (just like everyone else). Also then I can tell if someone treats me differently after they hear those stories. But I'm working on making peace with my history, and that I don't have to carefully choreograph the reveal of information with every new person I meet. So it's an interesting test to have someone find out so much so quickly!
I went to a party with friends that night and they were saying that I needed to tell B#13 that I was getting a bit overwhelmed. That's not my normal course of action, and I struggled with how to say it in a way that didn't sound like, "Dude back off, you're freaking me out." But as with most of these conversations that I get so worried about, it actually went well. He was glad to get feedback, and I also asked him to be open and communicative with me. I dread this type of conversation but feel so much better after it's done, and that encourages me to keep starting those Awkward But Necessary talks. Is this what growing up feels like?
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I also wanted to give an update on Bachelor #9, since I'd written that he and I had the first 3rd date of the experiment planned. Before the date, a friend had been questioning why I wanted to be in a monogamous relationship. I initially got defensive, then decided to really look at "Why Monogamy?" Was it just because society told me to want that? Turns out, no. I realized that since I've been single for so long, being in a relationship will be very challenging for me. I would rather just deal with that stress and not also be dating at the same time. Since B#9 is already in a relationship I would have to be looking for other partners, and the idea of dealing with the stress of a relationship and the stress of dating new people at the same time sounds awful to me. I admire people who have that much emotional energy, but it ain't me babe. Also, when I'm really honest with myself, I've been in several open relationships over the years. Not Poly, not emotionally mature and communicative relationships, and I didn't usually even call them relationships. But that's part of what I've been wanting to move away from. I haven't been in a committed, monogamous relationship in 6 years, but the only way to find out if that's what I want is to try.
This created a conundrum with Bachelor #9: he's in an open relationship and I don't want to be in an open relationship, but we really enjoy spending time together. So we've decided to continue dating while the experiment is going (since I will already be dating other people). Yes I recognize that it's a bit odd to say that I don't want to be in an open relationship, so I'm going to be in an open relationship for a short period of time. But it didn't make sense to me to say, "I met this really awesome guy but I'm going to choose to never see him again." I think there are things that B#9 and I can learn from each other, and I look forward to that.
And even this step has brought up new questions that I haven't thought about in a long time, such as:
I hadn't had a third date in at least a year, and I don't think I've ever had a fourth date with someone I met on OkCupid. All the relationships I've been in were with guys I met at school or work, or through friends. There was rarely official dates until we were actually in a relationship, before that we were just "hanging out." I've made an effort to use B#9's real name when talking about him to my family and friends, and the other day needed to clarify to a friend and stumbled over my words as I said, "The guy I'm dating? Or seeing? Or going on dates with?" I've done this a few times now and it entertains me. I know it doesn't matter what I call B#9, but it's nice to be asking the question. It's unfamiliar territory for me, and I'm glad to exploring new frontiers in the world of dating!
We wrapped up Chelsea's Matchmaker week, and it wasn't quite what either of us expected. Our goal was physical attraction, we'd put up a photo that showed my curves a little more, and hoped that boom we'd get some good messages. Instead, we got a lot of messages from far away: not just Tennessee and Nevada, but also France and Turkey. I'm not interested in a long-distance relationship so they're all not viable Bachelor options, and it seemed strange to have a sudden influx of long-distance messages.
Chelsea had asked me to respond to messages this week, although we would discuss the guys and messages beforehand. There were a few guys that I'd sent messages with and seemed cool, but they lived too far away (in California, but 20+ miles away) so they ultimately didn't make the cut.
So Chelsea picked one guy:
Bachelor #12: He'd sent a message that he was reading the blog and answered the OkTrends Compatibility Questions that I'd written about way back in Date #1: Week 1 Bachelor #1, then he and I traded a few messages about traveling. He hadn't responded to the last message I'd sent, but we figured we'd send him a "You've Been Picked" message and see if he responded.
There were a few interesting things that came up with her choice:
1) I see it as a good sign when a guy has read at least some of the blog. I talked about it a bit in Date #6: A (Whoa) Romantic Date with Bachelor #9 and now I've seen it a few times. There are logical compatibility reasons: I want to be with someone who likes my work, and if someone likes the blog they probably like my sense of humor. And it's a little ego boost, which doesn't hurt! I'm not necessarily interested in every guy who reads the blog, but it's an interesting trend.
2) Bachelor #12 is 25 and according to OkCupid "Non-Monogamous." Bachelor #9 is also 25 and non-monogamous. Wtf? (Mom, that stands for "Where's the Fun?" Don't look it up.) Chelsea had originally considered 25 "not age appropriate" (I'm 28) but had given the ok when I told her that B#9 was 25 and we'd had great dates. I hadn't noticed that B#12 is non-monogamous, Chelsea pointed it out. That is a compatibility issue, but more on that later.
Bachelor #12 promptly replied to the message that Chelsea had picked him. He said he'd meant to reply to the previous message, but had a fever and then got hit by a car. He's busy catching up on work this weekend but next weekend should work. Uh...alright! Getting hit by a car doesn't usually seem like an "I'll be fine next weekend" incident, but I guess I will ask him for more details about it if we do schedule a date.
I was a little bummed that we only had one new Bachelor, and he was unavailable for a bit. Chelsea and I are looking into Singles Mixers and Speed Dating events to see if we can find an interesting one. She also is going to ask a friend of her if he would go on a friend date with me, we'd met once and he thought the experiment was interesting.
However, the day after Chelsea had made her choices (but before we got the new Matchmaker profile up) a new guy sent a message. I took particular notice of it because he had also sent me an Instagram Follow Request (my Instagram is private), and my Instagram is not connected to the OkCupid profile. He looked cool and he also works in Film & TV, but I couldn't figure out how he had found my Instagram account. I was a little weirded out, but also intrigued. The internet is all public so I couldn't be mad/offended that he'd made the connection, I just wanted to know how. I posted on Facebook about it to see if a friend had connected us (I've been asking people to make real-life Matches) but no one claimed it.
And then I realized, I could just ask him. Whoa, novel idea! So I sent him a message, politely asking how he'd made that connection. I figured there was a 75% chance he would not respond, because I know it could be seen as me "calling him out." But he did respond! He said that in Google Chrome, if you right click there's an option to Search Google For This Image, he'd done that with my photos on OkCupid and found my Instagram. As a former personal assistant, I thought I knew all the tricks to internet research/stalking, but this was something new! I also really liked that he was honest about it.
I checked in with Chelsea about it, and she approved him to be Bachelor #13. For the record: he's 26, and doesn't list on his profile whether he's monogamous or non-monogamous. Also for the record: what's up with all the younger dudes? I'm not a puma yet, right?
Bachelor #13 and I exchanged a few messages in which he made a joke about a certain TV show (Edit: I checked with him and he said it's ok to use divulge that the TV show is Community) so I made a joke about that TV show, then he told me that he actually used to work on said TV show and was speaking on a panel at a convention for that show this weekend. Would I want to be his guest at the convention? Um, YEAH! I'm not generally into conventions (I've never been to Comic-Con and don't plan to go) but a smaller convention about a show I like? Yes. Getting to meet a guy in his element? Double yes. I was pretty excited.
He'd said he preferred to instant message a bit before meeting up with someone, so we chatted for a while and got to know each other. Most of the Bachelors and I have talked on the phone and texted before we met up, and it was interesting how instant messaging is a bit different. We talked about our jobs (we both work in Film & TV but in different types/capacities), we're both problem-solvers, and we were able to make each other laugh (which is always good).
As we talked, a few things came up that showed he'd been doing some internet research about me. Nothing that took an extraordinary amount of searching: looking me up on IMDB, looking up the movie I'm working on, and following me on Twitter. But he's the first Bachelor to do such (or at least to tell me), and it caught me off guard. And as someone with a Rubber Ball Heart it triggered my flight reflex a bit. I like when a guy reads the blog, so why did this seem strange? The OkCupid profile has a link to the blog, but it takes more effort for a guy to do independent research on me. And connecting via multiple social media platforms rang of that velocity that sends me into Rubber Ball mode, it made me feel a little cornered. But I figured it was intended as a compliment, he was trying to get to know me and my work. I didn't think he was going to show up at my front door unannounced, so what was I concerned about?
I realized one reason it made me nervous was because I didn't want to be in the shadow of my online self. What if Real Life Me is a disappointment compared to his impression of me from the blog/Instagram/Twitter/IMDB/Youtube, etc.? I never try to misrepresent myself, but all of those are just representations, they aren't actually me. You are not your Facebook profile. And if someone gets to know Digital Me before Real Me, could that get in the way of them really getting to know Real Me? I prefer to get to know someone in person, and it's interesting to see the different ways people get to know each other.
I also can be a bit guarded about my personal history. My life has taken some unusual twists and turns and I am very grateful for the experiences I've had, but I feel some of it needs a bit of context. For example, I've spent quite a bit of time with both anarchists and movie stars (separately) and I like people to get to know me a bit before I talk about either of those parts of my life. Again, those aren't me. My past influences who I am, but there are a lot of pieces to the puzzle (just like everyone else). Also then I can tell if someone treats me differently after they hear those stories. But I'm working on making peace with my history, and that I don't have to carefully choreograph the reveal of information with every new person I meet. So it's an interesting test to have someone find out so much so quickly!
I went to a party with friends that night and they were saying that I needed to tell B#13 that I was getting a bit overwhelmed. That's not my normal course of action, and I struggled with how to say it in a way that didn't sound like, "Dude back off, you're freaking me out." But as with most of these conversations that I get so worried about, it actually went well. He was glad to get feedback, and I also asked him to be open and communicative with me. I dread this type of conversation but feel so much better after it's done, and that encourages me to keep starting those Awkward But Necessary talks. Is this what growing up feels like?
--------
I also wanted to give an update on Bachelor #9, since I'd written that he and I had the first 3rd date of the experiment planned. Before the date, a friend had been questioning why I wanted to be in a monogamous relationship. I initially got defensive, then decided to really look at "Why Monogamy?" Was it just because society told me to want that? Turns out, no. I realized that since I've been single for so long, being in a relationship will be very challenging for me. I would rather just deal with that stress and not also be dating at the same time. Since B#9 is already in a relationship I would have to be looking for other partners, and the idea of dealing with the stress of a relationship and the stress of dating new people at the same time sounds awful to me. I admire people who have that much emotional energy, but it ain't me babe. Also, when I'm really honest with myself, I've been in several open relationships over the years. Not Poly, not emotionally mature and communicative relationships, and I didn't usually even call them relationships. But that's part of what I've been wanting to move away from. I haven't been in a committed, monogamous relationship in 6 years, but the only way to find out if that's what I want is to try.
This created a conundrum with Bachelor #9: he's in an open relationship and I don't want to be in an open relationship, but we really enjoy spending time together. So we've decided to continue dating while the experiment is going (since I will already be dating other people). Yes I recognize that it's a bit odd to say that I don't want to be in an open relationship, so I'm going to be in an open relationship for a short period of time. But it didn't make sense to me to say, "I met this really awesome guy but I'm going to choose to never see him again." I think there are things that B#9 and I can learn from each other, and I look forward to that.
And even this step has brought up new questions that I haven't thought about in a long time, such as:
-Where's the line between going on dates with someone, dating someone, and being in a relationship?
-When do you say you're "seeing someone" or "dating"? (Even if you're dating other people too.)
-If we're not going on a Date Date can I wear yoga pants?
-At what point do you stop counting dates?
I hadn't had a third date in at least a year, and I don't think I've ever had a fourth date with someone I met on OkCupid. All the relationships I've been in were with guys I met at school or work, or through friends. There was rarely official dates until we were actually in a relationship, before that we were just "hanging out." I've made an effort to use B#9's real name when talking about him to my family and friends, and the other day needed to clarify to a friend and stumbled over my words as I said, "The guy I'm dating? Or seeing? Or going on dates with?" I've done this a few times now and it entertains me. I know it doesn't matter what I call B#9, but it's nice to be asking the question. It's unfamiliar territory for me, and I'm glad to exploring new frontiers in the world of dating!
Friday, October 17, 2014
Date #6: A (Whoa) Romantic Date with Bachelor #9
Well, Bachelor #9 officially raised the bar.
You may remember from Why Guys Send Bad Messages, and a Key to Dating that I was very ("Whoa") impressed with B#9's profile, but was not very impressed with his pre-date communication (after I posted that entry my brother mentioned pre-date communication is a very tough balance and I get that).
To be really honest: I'd had a crazy busy week, was very tired, and had kind of hoped B#9 would bail so I could have a date with my couch.
But I'm really glad he didn't bail on the date, because it was one of the best dates I've ever been on.
He'd suggested a sunset picnic in the park (apparently not because of what I'd written in my profile) and it was definitely a good plan. Guys, sometimes it's the little things that impress girls: he said he'd bring a bottle of wine, and I'm used to bonehead guys who would literally just bring a bottle of wine. So I brought a wine opener, jars to drink out of, and a blanket to sit on. But B#9 is not one of those bonehead guys: he'd also brought a wine opener, cups to drink out of, and a blanket to sit on. Whoa. Planning, thoughtfulness, effort: major points in my book.
We went to the park and had a picnic on the grass as the sun was setting. We started talking, small talk at first and then about the experiment. He'd read a lot of the blog and explained why he hadn't contacted me earlier in the week about our date (he's a planner and wanted to have all the details before he contacted me, which I understand). It's funny, the experiment and blog can be an ice-breaker on dates. Anyone who reads the blog has a window into my brain, my likes and dislikes. It's also really nice to hear when a guy likes the blog, because a) I want everyone to be willing participants in the experiment, b) it shows he took time to find out about me and what I do, and c) like most creative people, I like hearing that someone likes my work (especially if it's a guy I might want to impress!).
He had some concerns about the Bachelors being numbered, and he wasn't sure he wanted to be called Bachelor #9. I explained my logic behind it: the other option for anonymity was making up nicknames and since I write about the guys before I meet them I'd be making up nicknames just based off their profiles. This seemed like it could be even more problematic and reductive: for example, in my brother's week if I'd nicknamed B#9 Whoa, B#10 The Italian, and B#11 Happy All The Time. Isn't naming someone Happy All The Time setting a high expectation (even if it's something he wrote in his profile)? B#10 is Italian, but would he want to be called The Italian? Even Whoa, which I mean as very complimentary, is he a horse? (Whoa, Nellie.) At least with numbers, everyone is on a level playing field. Also, it gives readers some context of order: e.g. Bachelor #2 was before Bachelor #8, regardless of whether they've been reading the whole blog. I offered that he could have a nickname if he preferred, but after discussing it he was alright with being Bachelor #9.
Also interesting: B#9 was a match from my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, which had a romantic/vulnerable profile. But he also saw the profile for the current week (Chelsea's Matchmaker week), which is a more aggressive "prove to me that you're awesome" profile. B#9 said that he wouldn't have sent a message to the more aggressive profile, because that's not the attitude he's looking for in a partner. Definitely interesting data in the Marketing of Dating discussion, and we talked about Chelsea and Greg and their different attitudes toward online dating. It was cool that he enjoyed the intellectual side of the experiment, and talking about the information I'm gathering.
We also talked about his open relationship, which was a surprisingly not weird conversation on a date. He was happy to answer any questions about it, and he told me a bit about their relationship and his relationship history before that. He's also conscious about how he talks about his partner on dates, and wants to be mentally with the person he's on a date with and not make them feel uncomfortable.
Basically, we started talking about everything.
My own first date rules, out the window. And it was awesome. Whoa.
As we took a walk around the lake, I commented to him that it was interesting that I can talk to some people so easily and with other people I can't get a conversation going. He was glad I found it easy to talk to him and felt the same, and wondered out loud:
Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out an answer to that. Why do some people connect and others don't? We're both from Southern California, but he grew up in a conservative religious household and I grew up in a liberal mixed religion/agnostic household. He's 3 years younger than me, and I've never dated a guy that much younger than me (though I have been involved with guys 10 years older than me). But he's very emotionally mature (way more mature than the older guys I've dated). We've both traveled internationally, but not to the same places.
I think one reason we're compatible is that it's important to both of us to be open, communicative and non-judgmental. It's really nice to feel like we can just be ourselves around each other. And we can make each other laugh a lot, which is important!
After our walk around the lake we took the blanket and the rest of the bottle of wine to a bench near the lake, with a nice view of Downtown LA. In case that doesn't sound romantic, it looks like this (photo credit: dyoweeboi via Echo Park Forums - I just took mental photos), aka very picturesque and romantic. And we continued to talk about everything.
And speaking of romantic...this date included the first kiss of the whole experiment! Much of my extended family reads this blog, so all I will say is that I was quite glad that B#9 kissed me. :) At the end of the date that he asked about seeing me again, and we made plans for another date. It is nice when a guy expresses on a date that he would like to see you again, it takes some of the guess work out of it!
Only after the date did I realize that we had spent about 6 hours together. I repeat: it was a 6 hour first date that didn't feel long. For me, a good date is when I don't dislike the guy by the end of the date. A bad date is when I can't stand to hear another word out of his mouth. A great date is when I really look forward to seeing him again. Spending six hours together and feeling like I've known him for years? That's a whole other category. I was very, very happy.
My usual reaction to this would be to cut and run. I know it isn't going to work in the long-run, so what's the point in seeing him again? I tend to see things in extremes, all or nothing. Luckily this week's Matchmaker, Chelsea, is Polyamorous ("having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved") and has been my Poly Consult when I'm wondering, "How do people do this??" She sees Polyamory as an orientation more than a lifestyle, and I've often admired the time and energy she puts into her relationships. It's been so long since I've been in a committed relationship that just one relationship seems daunting, much less multiple romantic relationships at one time.
After the last blog post, a friend recommended I read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I happened to be in a bookstore so I picked up a copy and skimmed it. Although I think there's probably a lot of helpful insights in it, I found it problematic to assume that all men act the same way and all women act the same way. Largely because there were many of the Martian (male) ways of acting that I related to, in addition to the Venusian (female) ways of acting. Most notably, the Men Are Like Rubber Bands theory: men have an intimacy cycle that functions like a rubber band, they pull away from their partners to re-establish independence and then spring back. Well, sometimes I feel like a rubber ball: the more I'm pulled toward someone at high velocity, the more I'm also propelled away at high velocity. But it's something I'm working on. There are also articles like Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth that might be more helpful for me right now than gender difference theories.
I know communication is key, and B#9 and I have already talked about most of this. On our second date in fact, because what better way to start a second date than a discussion about boundaries? (At least we had wine with that conversation.) Remember I said he's really emotionally mature? He didn't get weird, we had a good discussion about it and he thanked me for bringing it up. Whoa.
Until last year or so, I avoided any discussion about boundaries, expectations, or "What Does This Mean" like the plague. I'm the Chill Girl, who needs labels? Just the word "relationship" still makes my stomach hurt sometimes. So as much as I may at times freak out about B#9's open relationship, if he was not in an open relationship would I be cool, calm and collected? I think not. There's a mindfulness saying about Life Is A Teacher, and life is giving me a crash course on attachment, relationships, and communication. I'm just trying not to flunk.
So B#9 and I have planned date #3, which will be the first 3rd date of the experiment and the first 3rd date I've been on in over a year. Whoa. Rubber ball of my heart, be still.
You may remember from Why Guys Send Bad Messages, and a Key to Dating that I was very ("Whoa") impressed with B#9's profile, but was not very impressed with his pre-date communication (after I posted that entry my brother mentioned pre-date communication is a very tough balance and I get that).
To be really honest: I'd had a crazy busy week, was very tired, and had kind of hoped B#9 would bail so I could have a date with my couch.
But I'm really glad he didn't bail on the date, because it was one of the best dates I've ever been on.
He'd suggested a sunset picnic in the park (apparently not because of what I'd written in my profile) and it was definitely a good plan. Guys, sometimes it's the little things that impress girls: he said he'd bring a bottle of wine, and I'm used to bonehead guys who would literally just bring a bottle of wine. So I brought a wine opener, jars to drink out of, and a blanket to sit on. But B#9 is not one of those bonehead guys: he'd also brought a wine opener, cups to drink out of, and a blanket to sit on. Whoa. Planning, thoughtfulness, effort: major points in my book.
We went to the park and had a picnic on the grass as the sun was setting. We started talking, small talk at first and then about the experiment. He'd read a lot of the blog and explained why he hadn't contacted me earlier in the week about our date (he's a planner and wanted to have all the details before he contacted me, which I understand). It's funny, the experiment and blog can be an ice-breaker on dates. Anyone who reads the blog has a window into my brain, my likes and dislikes. It's also really nice to hear when a guy likes the blog, because a) I want everyone to be willing participants in the experiment, b) it shows he took time to find out about me and what I do, and c) like most creative people, I like hearing that someone likes my work (especially if it's a guy I might want to impress!).
He had some concerns about the Bachelors being numbered, and he wasn't sure he wanted to be called Bachelor #9. I explained my logic behind it: the other option for anonymity was making up nicknames and since I write about the guys before I meet them I'd be making up nicknames just based off their profiles. This seemed like it could be even more problematic and reductive: for example, in my brother's week if I'd nicknamed B#9 Whoa, B#10 The Italian, and B#11 Happy All The Time. Isn't naming someone Happy All The Time setting a high expectation (even if it's something he wrote in his profile)? B#10 is Italian, but would he want to be called The Italian? Even Whoa, which I mean as very complimentary, is he a horse? (Whoa, Nellie.) At least with numbers, everyone is on a level playing field. Also, it gives readers some context of order: e.g. Bachelor #2 was before Bachelor #8, regardless of whether they've been reading the whole blog. I offered that he could have a nickname if he preferred, but after discussing it he was alright with being Bachelor #9.
Also interesting: B#9 was a match from my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, which had a romantic/vulnerable profile. But he also saw the profile for the current week (Chelsea's Matchmaker week), which is a more aggressive "prove to me that you're awesome" profile. B#9 said that he wouldn't have sent a message to the more aggressive profile, because that's not the attitude he's looking for in a partner. Definitely interesting data in the Marketing of Dating discussion, and we talked about Chelsea and Greg and their different attitudes toward online dating. It was cool that he enjoyed the intellectual side of the experiment, and talking about the information I'm gathering.
We also talked about his open relationship, which was a surprisingly not weird conversation on a date. He was happy to answer any questions about it, and he told me a bit about their relationship and his relationship history before that. He's also conscious about how he talks about his partner on dates, and wants to be mentally with the person he's on a date with and not make them feel uncomfortable.
Basically, we started talking about everything.
My own first date rules, out the window. And it was awesome. Whoa.
As we took a walk around the lake, I commented to him that it was interesting that I can talk to some people so easily and with other people I can't get a conversation going. He was glad I found it easy to talk to him and felt the same, and wondered out loud:
"What makes this different?"
Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out an answer to that. Why do some people connect and others don't? We're both from Southern California, but he grew up in a conservative religious household and I grew up in a liberal mixed religion/agnostic household. He's 3 years younger than me, and I've never dated a guy that much younger than me (though I have been involved with guys 10 years older than me). But he's very emotionally mature (way more mature than the older guys I've dated). We've both traveled internationally, but not to the same places.
I think one reason we're compatible is that it's important to both of us to be open, communicative and non-judgmental. It's really nice to feel like we can just be ourselves around each other. And we can make each other laugh a lot, which is important!
After our walk around the lake we took the blanket and the rest of the bottle of wine to a bench near the lake, with a nice view of Downtown LA. In case that doesn't sound romantic, it looks like this (photo credit: dyoweeboi via Echo Park Forums - I just took mental photos), aka very picturesque and romantic. And we continued to talk about everything.
And speaking of romantic...this date included the first kiss of the whole experiment! Much of my extended family reads this blog, so all I will say is that I was quite glad that B#9 kissed me. :) At the end of the date that he asked about seeing me again, and we made plans for another date. It is nice when a guy expresses on a date that he would like to see you again, it takes some of the guess work out of it!
Only after the date did I realize that we had spent about 6 hours together. I repeat: it was a 6 hour first date that didn't feel long. For me, a good date is when I don't dislike the guy by the end of the date. A bad date is when I can't stand to hear another word out of his mouth. A great date is when I really look forward to seeing him again. Spending six hours together and feeling like I've known him for years? That's a whole other category. I was very, very happy.
But the next day it felt like I had an emotional hangover. I'd had a really great date, with someone else's boyfriend. Yeah she knew about it and was fine with it, but was I? I'd expected the date to be like most of the others: a fun few hours, meeting someone new, and clearly seeing why we weren't compatible. But this was different. That had seemed like such a good thing during the date, but now it felt awful. Great, I'd met a really cool guy that I'm really compatible with, except what we're looking for. And that's a pretty important thing to be on the same page about.
My usual reaction to this would be to cut and run. I know it isn't going to work in the long-run, so what's the point in seeing him again? I tend to see things in extremes, all or nothing. Luckily this week's Matchmaker, Chelsea, is Polyamorous ("having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved") and has been my Poly Consult when I'm wondering, "How do people do this??" She sees Polyamory as an orientation more than a lifestyle, and I've often admired the time and energy she puts into her relationships. It's been so long since I've been in a committed relationship that just one relationship seems daunting, much less multiple romantic relationships at one time.
After the last blog post, a friend recommended I read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I happened to be in a bookstore so I picked up a copy and skimmed it. Although I think there's probably a lot of helpful insights in it, I found it problematic to assume that all men act the same way and all women act the same way. Largely because there were many of the Martian (male) ways of acting that I related to, in addition to the Venusian (female) ways of acting. Most notably, the Men Are Like Rubber Bands theory: men have an intimacy cycle that functions like a rubber band, they pull away from their partners to re-establish independence and then spring back. Well, sometimes I feel like a rubber ball: the more I'm pulled toward someone at high velocity, the more I'm also propelled away at high velocity. But it's something I'm working on. There are also articles like Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth that might be more helpful for me right now than gender difference theories.
I know communication is key, and B#9 and I have already talked about most of this. On our second date in fact, because what better way to start a second date than a discussion about boundaries? (At least we had wine with that conversation.) Remember I said he's really emotionally mature? He didn't get weird, we had a good discussion about it and he thanked me for bringing it up. Whoa.
Until last year or so, I avoided any discussion about boundaries, expectations, or "What Does This Mean" like the plague. I'm the Chill Girl, who needs labels? Just the word "relationship" still makes my stomach hurt sometimes. So as much as I may at times freak out about B#9's open relationship, if he was not in an open relationship would I be cool, calm and collected? I think not. There's a mindfulness saying about Life Is A Teacher, and life is giving me a crash course on attachment, relationships, and communication. I'm just trying not to flunk.
So B#9 and I have planned date #3, which will be the first 3rd date of the experiment and the first 3rd date I've been on in over a year. Whoa. Rubber ball of my heart, be still.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Week 6: Tequila, Zombies, and Being High Maintenance
*This entry is rated PG-13 for some NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) language*
Matchmaker Week 6 started out with margaritas, a lot of honesty and laughter. My friend Chelsea is the Matchmaker for this week, and she is like a sister to me. We grew up together and one of the things I love about Chelsea is that she tells it like it is. She calls me on my bullshit, and I know it's out of love. I appreciate that my friends keep me honest with myself!
As we started talking about the experiment, we got to one of the things I hadn't been talking about at all in the blog, an elephant in the room: Attraction.
Physical attraction is a really important part of dating for me, so it may seem unusual that I wasn't talking about it. The truth is that I haven't been attracted to most of the Bachelors, and I felt bad writing about not being attracted to them when I knew they could read the blog. And there were always enough other aspects of compatibility that I could discuss so it seemed unnecessary to write, "He was really nice but I wasn't physically attracted to him so I would never date him." I am, in the blog and life in general, trying not to be an asshole. I don't need to date a male model (in fact, sometimes I find really attractive guys intimidating) but I want to date a guy that I like looking at and want to swap saliva with. Is that too much for a girl to ask? (No, it's not.) So Chelsea wanted to figure out what I am attracted to and how we can convey that in a profile.
I realized that Chelsea had a very different outlook on OkCupid, and thus what a profile should be like, than last week's Matchmaker, my brother Greg. Whereas Greg wanted to emphasize romance, vulnerability, and include as much detail as possible, Chelsea feels that it's better to keep a dating profile short and sassy. We took out a lot of the details and added some sass, like "My friend Chelsea is the Matchmaker this week, so impress us both." This is usually not at all what my dating profiles are like, and that's a really interesting part of the experiment! My profile usually isn't as romantic/vulnerable as what Greg and I wrote either, and it's interesting to see who responds to different profiles and how they respond.
And it touches on another purpose of the experiment: looking at my usual approach to dating and why it doesn't yield the results I want. In this case, it's that I tend to be the Chill Girl: I go with the flow, try to be as low-maintenance and easy-going as possible. This means that a) I have a lot of great guy friends, and b) I get Friend Zoned a lot. Some guys like the Chill Girl (one ex thought it was hot that I own my own drill), but a lot of guys don't want to date a girl who is one of the guys. I love my guy friends, and believe that it's really great for guys and girls to have platonic friendships because it helps to see the other gender's perspective. But I also at times have gotten sick of hearing from guys I'm interested in, "You're a cool girl, but..."
Part of Chelsea's dating philosophy is that if you really clearly express what you want/need, it's easier for someone else to fulfill that want/need. I think there's a lot of validity in that, but where is the line between being clear about your wants/needs, and being demanding or (the dreaded) high-maintenance?
I've started reading different dating blogs lately, and I read an article called Why You Need to Start Being More High Maintenance on a blog called Matching Up, written by two Beverly Hills Matchmakers (not my standard reading material, and thus fascinating). This article was saying that as women who are taught to be fit, beautiful, with great careers and exciting lives, "we are taught to be high maintenance with our lives," but being high-maintenance in relationships is vilified. She goes on to say that it's important to have standards, be clear about expectations, and "If you are low maintenance, you will be treated as such." oof. But I see what she means. If I act like one of the guys, I'm likely to be treated as one of the guys. And she says that guys take cues from how a girl treats herself, and how she allows others to treat her. Part of having standards is feeling like you have a lot to offer someone and it's worth their time and effort to treat you well.
I'm not hoping that anyone calls me "High Maintenance" any time soon, but I do see that my Chill Girl ways often meant that my relationships were always on the guy's terms. It's good for me to be more empowered in my relationships, to feel that I have a say in what my relationships look like and how I am treated (aka Boundaries). I've found a key distinction between Boundaries and Being Guarded is communication, being clear with yourself and others about where your boundaries are. Maybe that's a difference between Having Standards and Being High Maintenance: being able to communicate your expectations in a calm, clear way vs. expecting someone to read your mind or throwing a fit if someone doesn't meet your expectations. Definitely food for thought.
Another way that Chelsea's Matchmaker week has pushed my comfort zone: she wanted new photos. Specifically ones that show me smiling with teeth (I hadn't realized that all of my photos had closed-mouth smiles) and that show off my body a bit more. Don't worry, Mom, nothing scandalous- but the photos on the profile were all pretty conservative. And with the previously discussed Marketing of Online Dating: if you've got it, flaunt it (tastefully).
As often happens when I push my comfort zone, some weird/gross narratives pop up like zombies from shallow graves. In this case, narratives like: "You can be hot OR smart, not both," or "If you show off your body, people won't respect you." Which when it boils down to it, is the same as "She was asking for it," or the recent banning of yoga pants in schools because they are "too distracting." The message is that women are responsible for however other people respond to their bodies and clothing. If a guy says or does something that you don't like it was really your fault, he couldn't help himself. This narrative is harmful to men and women. It makes a woman's sexuality scary and dangerous, where women can't take agency or enjoyment from their own bodies, and men are "helpless" and have no control over their actions. No one wins. I don't consciously ascribe to these beliefs, and it's frustrating sometimes to find them buried in my subconscious.
But it's also not entirely surprising, because these narratives are embedded in our culture and my own life. I remember being 12 years old and feeling like I had to pick between being a "pretty girl" or a "smart girl." I was a bookish, slightly chubby brunette in a beach town where the standard of beauty was blonde and thin. So I chose "smart girl," and when that baby fat turned into curves I generally tried to hide my body so no one would "think less of me." For many years it was hard for me to understand that anyone even could be physically attracted to me. And though I've made progress on my body issues, I'm definitely still working on it. In order to take the pictures Chelsea was asking for, I felt I needed some liquid courage (tequila). But I did take them, and I'm actually rather proud of them. To push myself toward being pretty, feminine, playful, and even dare I say sexy, is definitely good growth for me. And I definitely appreciate Chelsea for giving me a loving shove in that direction.
I'm also optimistic that as a society we are becoming more aware of the messages we're sending to young women and men about sex, bodies, and responsibility. An article titled "Instead of Banning Yoga Pants, Schools Should Crack Down on Harassment" includes examples of female students posting signs around their schools protesting the dress codes. My middle school banned spaghetti strap tank tops and I never thought of fighting it, much less with a sign that includes the statement, "I'm a fifteen year old girl. If you are sexualizing me, YOU are the problem." Fuck yeah, girl. And articles like Yes, You Can Be a Gentleman and Have Great Sex (and the Good Men Project in general) show that men are also ready for these attitudes to change. I encourage everyone to be conscious of the way we talk about people's bodies and sexuality, both other people's and your own.
And when those gross zombie narratives come up, don't be afraid to go all Shaun of the Dead.
Matchmaker Week 6 started out with margaritas, a lot of honesty and laughter. My friend Chelsea is the Matchmaker for this week, and she is like a sister to me. We grew up together and one of the things I love about Chelsea is that she tells it like it is. She calls me on my bullshit, and I know it's out of love. I appreciate that my friends keep me honest with myself!
As we started talking about the experiment, we got to one of the things I hadn't been talking about at all in the blog, an elephant in the room: Attraction.
Physical attraction is a really important part of dating for me, so it may seem unusual that I wasn't talking about it. The truth is that I haven't been attracted to most of the Bachelors, and I felt bad writing about not being attracted to them when I knew they could read the blog. And there were always enough other aspects of compatibility that I could discuss so it seemed unnecessary to write, "He was really nice but I wasn't physically attracted to him so I would never date him." I am, in the blog and life in general, trying not to be an asshole. I don't need to date a male model (in fact, sometimes I find really attractive guys intimidating) but I want to date a guy that I like looking at and want to swap saliva with. Is that too much for a girl to ask? (No, it's not.) So Chelsea wanted to figure out what I am attracted to and how we can convey that in a profile.
I realized that Chelsea had a very different outlook on OkCupid, and thus what a profile should be like, than last week's Matchmaker, my brother Greg. Whereas Greg wanted to emphasize romance, vulnerability, and include as much detail as possible, Chelsea feels that it's better to keep a dating profile short and sassy. We took out a lot of the details and added some sass, like "My friend Chelsea is the Matchmaker this week, so impress us both." This is usually not at all what my dating profiles are like, and that's a really interesting part of the experiment! My profile usually isn't as romantic/vulnerable as what Greg and I wrote either, and it's interesting to see who responds to different profiles and how they respond.
And it touches on another purpose of the experiment: looking at my usual approach to dating and why it doesn't yield the results I want. In this case, it's that I tend to be the Chill Girl: I go with the flow, try to be as low-maintenance and easy-going as possible. This means that a) I have a lot of great guy friends, and b) I get Friend Zoned a lot. Some guys like the Chill Girl (one ex thought it was hot that I own my own drill), but a lot of guys don't want to date a girl who is one of the guys. I love my guy friends, and believe that it's really great for guys and girls to have platonic friendships because it helps to see the other gender's perspective. But I also at times have gotten sick of hearing from guys I'm interested in, "You're a cool girl, but..."
Part of Chelsea's dating philosophy is that if you really clearly express what you want/need, it's easier for someone else to fulfill that want/need. I think there's a lot of validity in that, but where is the line between being clear about your wants/needs, and being demanding or (the dreaded) high-maintenance?
I've started reading different dating blogs lately, and I read an article called Why You Need to Start Being More High Maintenance on a blog called Matching Up, written by two Beverly Hills Matchmakers (not my standard reading material, and thus fascinating). This article was saying that as women who are taught to be fit, beautiful, with great careers and exciting lives, "we are taught to be high maintenance with our lives," but being high-maintenance in relationships is vilified. She goes on to say that it's important to have standards, be clear about expectations, and "If you are low maintenance, you will be treated as such." oof. But I see what she means. If I act like one of the guys, I'm likely to be treated as one of the guys. And she says that guys take cues from how a girl treats herself, and how she allows others to treat her. Part of having standards is feeling like you have a lot to offer someone and it's worth their time and effort to treat you well.
I'm not hoping that anyone calls me "High Maintenance" any time soon, but I do see that my Chill Girl ways often meant that my relationships were always on the guy's terms. It's good for me to be more empowered in my relationships, to feel that I have a say in what my relationships look like and how I am treated (aka Boundaries). I've found a key distinction between Boundaries and Being Guarded is communication, being clear with yourself and others about where your boundaries are. Maybe that's a difference between Having Standards and Being High Maintenance: being able to communicate your expectations in a calm, clear way vs. expecting someone to read your mind or throwing a fit if someone doesn't meet your expectations. Definitely food for thought.
Another way that Chelsea's Matchmaker week has pushed my comfort zone: she wanted new photos. Specifically ones that show me smiling with teeth (I hadn't realized that all of my photos had closed-mouth smiles) and that show off my body a bit more. Don't worry, Mom, nothing scandalous- but the photos on the profile were all pretty conservative. And with the previously discussed Marketing of Online Dating: if you've got it, flaunt it (tastefully).
As often happens when I push my comfort zone, some weird/gross narratives pop up like zombies from shallow graves. In this case, narratives like: "You can be hot OR smart, not both," or "If you show off your body, people won't respect you." Which when it boils down to it, is the same as "She was asking for it," or the recent banning of yoga pants in schools because they are "too distracting." The message is that women are responsible for however other people respond to their bodies and clothing. If a guy says or does something that you don't like it was really your fault, he couldn't help himself. This narrative is harmful to men and women. It makes a woman's sexuality scary and dangerous, where women can't take agency or enjoyment from their own bodies, and men are "helpless" and have no control over their actions. No one wins. I don't consciously ascribe to these beliefs, and it's frustrating sometimes to find them buried in my subconscious.
But it's also not entirely surprising, because these narratives are embedded in our culture and my own life. I remember being 12 years old and feeling like I had to pick between being a "pretty girl" or a "smart girl." I was a bookish, slightly chubby brunette in a beach town where the standard of beauty was blonde and thin. So I chose "smart girl," and when that baby fat turned into curves I generally tried to hide my body so no one would "think less of me." For many years it was hard for me to understand that anyone even could be physically attracted to me. And though I've made progress on my body issues, I'm definitely still working on it. In order to take the pictures Chelsea was asking for, I felt I needed some liquid courage (tequila). But I did take them, and I'm actually rather proud of them. To push myself toward being pretty, feminine, playful, and even dare I say sexy, is definitely good growth for me. And I definitely appreciate Chelsea for giving me a loving shove in that direction.
I'm also optimistic that as a society we are becoming more aware of the messages we're sending to young women and men about sex, bodies, and responsibility. An article titled "Instead of Banning Yoga Pants, Schools Should Crack Down on Harassment" includes examples of female students posting signs around their schools protesting the dress codes. My middle school banned spaghetti strap tank tops and I never thought of fighting it, much less with a sign that includes the statement, "I'm a fifteen year old girl. If you are sexualizing me, YOU are the problem." Fuck yeah, girl. And articles like Yes, You Can Be a Gentleman and Have Great Sex (and the Good Men Project in general) show that men are also ready for these attitudes to change. I encourage everyone to be conscious of the way we talk about people's bodies and sexuality, both other people's and your own.
And when those gross zombie narratives come up, don't be afraid to go all Shaun of the Dead.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Why Guys Send Bad Messages, and a Key to Dating
As we wrapped up my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, one of his biggest surprises from the experiment was how many guys on OkCupid send bad/lame/boring messages. He'd heard that guys send lame messages, but he was surprised that the majority of messages just said "hi" or "Hallo" or "how goes it" (sans question mark). Since he puts a lot of thought and effort into the messages he sends to girls on OkCupid, he figured most guys did the same. But that is not the case.
It was interesting for Greg, a man who uses OkCupid to meet women, to see what online dating is like from the female perspective and it gave him more empathy for women on OkCupid. It also made him feel a bit better about messages he sends that don't get a response, because on the Matchmaker side he could see that sometimes the guy just wasn't a good match. It wasn't that he was a bad guy or had sent a bad message, but he just wasn't a good fit. (And sending a "Can a guy get a reply?" message, as one guy did this week, isn't going to help.)
As we talked about types of messages and getting responses, I noticed a word coming up: "human." When a guy sent a message that showed he'd read my profile (instead of a copy & paste message) Greg felt like that guy was treating me like a human and trying to make a connection, and the guy seemed more human instead of a robot sending the same message over and over.
Greg said that when he's sent copy & paste messages it wasn't out of lack of respect, it was about self-defense. We both can get emotionally attached to someone's online profile and when you spend a while crafting a message that doesn't get a response, it can be frustrating. If he sends a form message, he doesn't get emotionally attached. But then it lacks the humanity that he noticed reading impersonal messages. It's about being vulnerable, which can be really difficult but also is important for connection. If you haven't seen Brené Brown's TED Talk about The Power of Vulnerability, go watch it. And then go buy one of her books. Vulnerability is not something we particularly value in our society. Especially as Americans, we value "strong" and "tough," and those are seen as mutually exclusive with "vulnerable." Part of what I like about Brené Brown's work is that she shows that being vulnerable is not about being weak, it's about being real and honest (even in the title of her TED Talk: "The Power of Vulnerability").
This humanity/vulnerability issue taps into an idea I've been wanting to look at with Post-Modern Matchmaker: the goal of online dating is to create a connection, but I often find it to be frustrating, depressing, and alienating (as many others do). So how can we make meeting people in the modern age more bearable, maybe even pleasant?
With or without an internet connection, how can we make meaningful human connections?
My solution was to add community: family and friends (and the blog). It's definitely helped with some of the alienation, it is nice to be able to share the ups and downs and hear about other people's similar experiences. Yet especially in the past few dates (Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date and Date #5: Smoothies, Unicorns, and Compatibility) I've been feeling the frustration again. But the good news about the experiment is that each week we're trying new things and assessing what works and what doesn't. Hopefully by the end of the experiment I'll have some answers, or at least more informed questions to ask!
Greg picked his 3 Matches:
Edit: B#9 just texted me (Thursday evening), and did apologize for the lack of contact. So I guess the date is on!
It was interesting for Greg, a man who uses OkCupid to meet women, to see what online dating is like from the female perspective and it gave him more empathy for women on OkCupid. It also made him feel a bit better about messages he sends that don't get a response, because on the Matchmaker side he could see that sometimes the guy just wasn't a good match. It wasn't that he was a bad guy or had sent a bad message, but he just wasn't a good fit. (And sending a "Can a guy get a reply?" message, as one guy did this week, isn't going to help.)
As we talked about types of messages and getting responses, I noticed a word coming up: "human." When a guy sent a message that showed he'd read my profile (instead of a copy & paste message) Greg felt like that guy was treating me like a human and trying to make a connection, and the guy seemed more human instead of a robot sending the same message over and over.
Greg said that when he's sent copy & paste messages it wasn't out of lack of respect, it was about self-defense. We both can get emotionally attached to someone's online profile and when you spend a while crafting a message that doesn't get a response, it can be frustrating. If he sends a form message, he doesn't get emotionally attached. But then it lacks the humanity that he noticed reading impersonal messages. It's about being vulnerable, which can be really difficult but also is important for connection. If you haven't seen Brené Brown's TED Talk about The Power of Vulnerability, go watch it. And then go buy one of her books. Vulnerability is not something we particularly value in our society. Especially as Americans, we value "strong" and "tough," and those are seen as mutually exclusive with "vulnerable." Part of what I like about Brené Brown's work is that she shows that being vulnerable is not about being weak, it's about being real and honest (even in the title of her TED Talk: "The Power of Vulnerability").
This humanity/vulnerability issue taps into an idea I've been wanting to look at with Post-Modern Matchmaker: the goal of online dating is to create a connection, but I often find it to be frustrating, depressing, and alienating (as many others do). So how can we make meeting people in the modern age more bearable, maybe even pleasant?
With or without an internet connection, how can we make meaningful human connections?
My solution was to add community: family and friends (and the blog). It's definitely helped with some of the alienation, it is nice to be able to share the ups and downs and hear about other people's similar experiences. Yet especially in the past few dates (Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date and Date #5: Smoothies, Unicorns, and Compatibility) I've been feeling the frustration again. But the good news about the experiment is that each week we're trying new things and assessing what works and what doesn't. Hopefully by the end of the experiment I'll have some answers, or at least more informed questions to ask!
Greg picked his 3 Matches:
- Bachelor #9: pretty sure his profile made me say "whoa" out loud. Tall, smart, interesting, he says he's good at bear hugs and puns (all positives in my book). Interestingly, he's in an open relationship with a girl he met on OkC. Normally that would be a deal breaker for me, but in the experiment I think it's an interesting aspect to throw into the mix.
- Bachelor #10: an Italian journalist who sent an initial message asking why I liked the movie Only Lovers Left Alive (on the profile I list is as my favorite movie of the year). Greg sent a reply, and B#10 never replied to that message.
- Bachelor #11: he said he's "basically happy all the time," he does standup comedy, and his profile was fun and quirky. He sent a message asking about the experiment, Greg sent a reply and he never replied.
Greg and I were both kind of bummed that B#10 & B#11 were unresponsive, but B#9 and Greg had sent a few messages back and forth (and his messages were articulate and thoughtful). Getting one really promising match seemed better than three lousy matches.
B#9 and I talked on Sunday about setting up a date. Greg had asked in a message what B#9 would suggest for a first date, and he had said going to a pizzeria. But in a later email to me he said he had a better idea and suggested a sunset picnic at a lake nearby. Two thumbs way up!
I do think it's a bit funny because in the profile I'd written in the "You Should Message Me If" Section: "You enjoy a bit of romance, whether it’s a picnic in the park or watching the sunset." It's more sappy than I'd usually get in a profile, but Greg really wanted to emphasize the romance/vulnerability in the profile. And I thought it that was a good way to show that romance doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. And unless it was a complete coincidence, B#9 read my examples of romantic dates and combined them. I appreciate a guy who listens and is open to romance, so I think it's cute.
But I don't think that being a flake is cute. B#9 and I haven't communicated at all since Sunday, it's now Thursday and we planned a date for Friday (tomorrow). Greg said I should text B#9 to remind him that we didn't set a time or meeting spot. I probably will, but feel a bit annoyed and uneasy about it. I've been noticing how much the communication leading up to a date indicates, in good ways (Date #5: Smoothies, Unicorns, and Compatibility) and bad (Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date). Good pre-date communication feels like a sign of respect and consideration. And it shows that you're thinking about the other person, that you're looking forward to seeing them. Am I also resisting the vulnerability of sending him a text, possibly not getting a reply or getting a reply that he forgot about our date? Yeah probably... which is why I'll send that text.
However, dudes, I'm going on the record as saying: communication is key. More than any door-opening or drink-buying, actually making a date (including time and location) is a really important part of being a good date and having a good date!
Edit: B#9 just texted me (Thursday evening), and did apologize for the lack of contact. So I guess the date is on!
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Date #5: Smoothies, Unicorns, and Compatibility
I won't lie, after the previous date (Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date) I was a bit nervous to go on another date. But I was definitely curious about meeting Bachelor #8 because he's the first Bachelor that a Matchmaker knew through real-life connections (turns out he's my cousin's friend's brother's best friend's brother, not just my cousin's friend's best friend's brother as I had previously thought). The fact that it was through five degrees of separation (more than double my Bacon Number) made it even better.
The really good news was that Bachelor #8 and I got along well. We talked on the phone a few times to schedule the date (he lives in San Diego, but was visiting family in LA), and texted in the interim. After my frustration at the lack of communication from Bachelor #6 planning Date #4, I was impressed that Bachelor #8 found a happy medium of being in touch but not all up in my business.
A happy medium of communication was important this particular week because work took over my life. I freelance in film & TV: this year I've worked on short films, commercials, PSAs, a TV pilot, a dance instructional video for kids, and you never know what the freelance life is going to throw at you. But one thing is always the same: really long hours. You're on set for at least 12 hours per day and most shoots take longer than scheduled, so I usually figure shoots will be 13-15 hours (not including travel time). Last weekend I was working, so Saturday morning I was up at 4:30am for a 6:45am call time, and was headed home at 10:45pm that night (16 hour day, with a 45 min commute each way). Sunday was similar hours (14 hour day with 45 min commute each way), and Monday we had a night shoot so I started work at 4:30pm and finished at 7am the next morning (16.5 hour day with 30-45 min commute each way).
I'm not complaining, I know I'm lucky to work in this industry, but people outside of the film industry often don't know how intense the work schedule can be. Luckily my friends and family are very understanding about my erratic schedule, they know that I'll largely be out of communication when I'm working but I'll get in touch when I can. Most of my friends work in film, and a friend even calls people who don't work in film "Unicorns" because they're so rare.
This week I've been wondering, could I date a Unicorn?
(Like this guy?)
B#8 is in fact a Unicorn: he works an office job with a regular Monday through Friday schedule. He does cool, interesting work, but definitely very different from what I do.
This date made me think about different levels of compatibility, specifically for a first date vs. an actual relationship.
Compatibility Needed for a Good First Date:
1. A location you can meet at
2. An hour or two that works for both people's schedule
3. Some common interests and compatible senses of humor help
B#8 and I had decided to meet at a smoothie place (which turned out to be a good plan as it was 100 degrees outside), and we'd set a time (on a day I wasn't working and he was visiting his family in LA). As we started chatting in person it was clear we had some common interests, we'd seen a bunch of the same TV shows and movies, and like some of the same music. I think we have similar senses of humor, we at least weren't offending each other (unlike Date #4). I enjoyed hanging out with B#8, and enjoyed the smoothie (he had kindly bought my smoothie for me, a chivalrous move). We chatted for about two hours before either of us realized what time it was, and that we should go our separate ways.
As I was driving home I felt a bit down. Why would I feel down when I just had a date that I enjoyed? I realized I was having the same OkCupid experience I usually had before the experiment: meeting nice guys that I have some things in common with, but not enough compatibility to actually date.
So I started thinking about all the factors that need to line up for two people to really be relationship compatible.
Compatibility Needed for a Relationship:
1. Mutual attraction
2. Geographic proximity
3. Compatible schedules
4. Compatible senses of humor
5. Compatible communication styles
6. Compatible moral codes
7. Compatible goals
8. At least some overlap in movies/TV preferences
9. Enough common taste in music for a road trip now and then
How about religion? Politics? Whether you want to have kids or not? Dogs vs. Cats? The list could go on forever. It seems so daunting to me at times. What's really essential for a relationship or what can you compromise on?
Honestly, if it weren't for the experiment this is probably the point where I would deactivate my OkCupid account and "focus on work" and "my relationship with myself" etc. I think it's good that the experiment forces me to hang in there (although I am not slacking on work or "my relationship with myself"). I can stop the experiment whenever I want, of course, but there's already another Matchmaker week going (my brother Greg's week) and other Matchmakers lined up. And I know the experiment is helping me learn and grow, so let's see where this adventure leads!
The experiment is teaching me to be more resilient: instead of giving up after a bad date or even after a good date that won't lead to a relationship, I assess, evaluate, and then keep going. And I hope that reading this can help encourage you too. Dating can be tough, relationships are tough, being single can be tough. Some cliche about the journey, not the destination, right?
So chin up, and keep going!
The really good news was that Bachelor #8 and I got along well. We talked on the phone a few times to schedule the date (he lives in San Diego, but was visiting family in LA), and texted in the interim. After my frustration at the lack of communication from Bachelor #6 planning Date #4, I was impressed that Bachelor #8 found a happy medium of being in touch but not all up in my business.
A happy medium of communication was important this particular week because work took over my life. I freelance in film & TV: this year I've worked on short films, commercials, PSAs, a TV pilot, a dance instructional video for kids, and you never know what the freelance life is going to throw at you. But one thing is always the same: really long hours. You're on set for at least 12 hours per day and most shoots take longer than scheduled, so I usually figure shoots will be 13-15 hours (not including travel time). Last weekend I was working, so Saturday morning I was up at 4:30am for a 6:45am call time, and was headed home at 10:45pm that night (16 hour day, with a 45 min commute each way). Sunday was similar hours (14 hour day with 45 min commute each way), and Monday we had a night shoot so I started work at 4:30pm and finished at 7am the next morning (16.5 hour day with 30-45 min commute each way).
I'm not complaining, I know I'm lucky to work in this industry, but people outside of the film industry often don't know how intense the work schedule can be. Luckily my friends and family are very understanding about my erratic schedule, they know that I'll largely be out of communication when I'm working but I'll get in touch when I can. Most of my friends work in film, and a friend even calls people who don't work in film "Unicorns" because they're so rare.
This week I've been wondering, could I date a Unicorn?
(Like this guy?)
B#8 is in fact a Unicorn: he works an office job with a regular Monday through Friday schedule. He does cool, interesting work, but definitely very different from what I do.
This date made me think about different levels of compatibility, specifically for a first date vs. an actual relationship.
Compatibility Needed for a Good First Date:
1. A location you can meet at
2. An hour or two that works for both people's schedule
3. Some common interests and compatible senses of humor help
B#8 and I had decided to meet at a smoothie place (which turned out to be a good plan as it was 100 degrees outside), and we'd set a time (on a day I wasn't working and he was visiting his family in LA). As we started chatting in person it was clear we had some common interests, we'd seen a bunch of the same TV shows and movies, and like some of the same music. I think we have similar senses of humor, we at least weren't offending each other (unlike Date #4). I enjoyed hanging out with B#8, and enjoyed the smoothie (he had kindly bought my smoothie for me, a chivalrous move). We chatted for about two hours before either of us realized what time it was, and that we should go our separate ways.
As I was driving home I felt a bit down. Why would I feel down when I just had a date that I enjoyed? I realized I was having the same OkCupid experience I usually had before the experiment: meeting nice guys that I have some things in common with, but not enough compatibility to actually date.
So I started thinking about all the factors that need to line up for two people to really be relationship compatible.
Compatibility Needed for a Relationship:
1. Mutual attraction
2. Geographic proximity
3. Compatible schedules
4. Compatible senses of humor
5. Compatible communication styles
6. Compatible moral codes
7. Compatible goals
8. At least some overlap in movies/TV preferences
9. Enough common taste in music for a road trip now and then
How about religion? Politics? Whether you want to have kids or not? Dogs vs. Cats? The list could go on forever. It seems so daunting to me at times. What's really essential for a relationship or what can you compromise on?
Honestly, if it weren't for the experiment this is probably the point where I would deactivate my OkCupid account and "focus on work" and "my relationship with myself" etc. I think it's good that the experiment forces me to hang in there (although I am not slacking on work or "my relationship with myself"). I can stop the experiment whenever I want, of course, but there's already another Matchmaker week going (my brother Greg's week) and other Matchmakers lined up. And I know the experiment is helping me learn and grow, so let's see where this adventure leads!
The experiment is teaching me to be more resilient: instead of giving up after a bad date or even after a good date that won't lead to a relationship, I assess, evaluate, and then keep going. And I hope that reading this can help encourage you too. Dating can be tough, relationships are tough, being single can be tough. Some cliche about the journey, not the destination, right?
So chin up, and keep going!
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date
I was a bit nervous about writing this, because…I had a bad date.
I try to keep this blog pretty positive but there isn't a
good way to sugar coat this, unless I
just wrote, “We saw Guardians of the Galaxy and I enjoyed the movie. The End.”
But that won’t do.
So here we go.
Bachelor #6 was one of my cousin Emily’s picks in Week
3. After I let him know he was part of
the experiment, he sent me an email saying he was done with electronic
communication and wanted to meet me. At the end of the email in parentheses
was his phone number and “Calling me is very cool.” I’m not a big fan of calling people I don’t
know, but part of my goal with this experiment is to push my comfort zone. So I called him and left a voicemail, then he called
me and left a voicemail. We played phone tag for a few days (also texting back and forth trying
to set a time to talk). When we finally
did talk, he let me know that he was going out of town for a few days and
didn't know his work schedule for the next week. He suggested coffee or drinks and I suggested
seeing the movie Guardians of the Galaxy, because I hadn't seen it yet and had
heard it was really good. He said that
sounded good, and he would let me know when he knew his work schedule.
More than a week went by, and I figured that he was blowing
me off. I mentally started writing a
blog post about how both Bachelors that week had flaked.
When he texted me (nine days after we’d talked on the phone)
with a few days that week that would work for him, I was rather surprised.
It was a good reminder that:
a) I’m not a very patient
person and/or
b) my life moves at a rapid pace, and
c) I need to be with someone who shares or
at least understands that pace
(which did not seem to be the case with Bachelor
#6)
I know that easy-going guys can be
good for me, but there’s a difference between easy-going and “Where’d you go?”
But I put aside my doubts, we picked a day and a theater,
and he said he would see if he could get free tickets from work. A few days later he texted me to say that he
couldn't get free tickets to that theater but had tickets to another theater
nearby, could we meet there? This struck me as a bit odd, but
I said sure.
A week and a half after our
initial conversation and the day before our date, we set a time to meet. He suggested getting a beer at a nearby deli
before the movie. Again, it seemed odd to me to get a drink at a deli but I
was trying to go with the flow so I agreed.
The next evening, half an hour before we’re
scheduled to meet, I get a text from B#6. He says that the deli we were supposed to meet at is closed, so he’s going
to a bar nearby. I’d gotten caught up in
work and was running 10 minutes late, and he’s already there 30 minutes
early. Oof. Definitely a mismatch.
When I got there he was sitting outside and we went into the bar to get
a drink for me (he already had one) but then gave up and went back outside to wait for
a server. After a while I went back into
the bar on my own to get a drink. When I
returned with a beverage, we talked for a bit and got to know each other. I mentioned that I do standup comedy nearby, and he said, "Are you funny?" and told me about his roommate who tried standup and bombed. When I told him that I lived in rural Montana for a bit he said, "Isn't all of Montana rural?" I told him no, there are cities in Montana, and he replied, "Are you sure? Or did people just tell you there are?" At this point it was very clear to me that we don't have compatible senses of humor, because I think he was trying to make a joke but it came across as very rude to me.
He complained about where he
lives and where he works, but said he's hoping his current job will lead to better opportunities. When we talked about where I live he said that he’s never
been to my neighborhood or the surrounding neighborhoods
(young, hip(ster) parts of LA) and doesn't even know where they are exactly. This surprised me, because most 20-somethings in LA at least know those neighborhoods a bit. I asked how long he’s been in LA and he said a
year and a half; he moved out here for the opportunities in music and then adds, “and
also to get away from an awful relationship.”
This date helped me come up with a list of what I consider some General
Rules for First Dates:
- Don’t talk about Exes (there can be exceptions, but if at all possible, just don’t).
- Don’t talk about religion or politics (current events conversations are ok, but definitely avoid rants).
- Generally, avoid rants.
- Don’t talk about money (especially not about how much you do or don’t make).
- Don’t Be Greedy and Don’t Be Cheap: Don’t order the most expensive thing off the menu, and don’t seem like you’re unwilling to spend money on a date. I usually offer to split the bill with a guy or buy my own drink, but I do see it as gentlemanly if a guy does pay.
- Try to be nice, pleasant, and easy-going: try to put your best foot forward on a date. You don’t have to pretend that everything is sunshine and roses, but don’t be the voice of Gloom & Doom.
Because on this date, Bachelor
#6 broke all of the General Rules for First Dates:
- He talked about two different ex-girlfriends, or one ex-girlfriend twice, I didn’t clarify.
- We talked a bit about religion but it was rather innocuous, the politics part was actually more off-putting. When talking about the Venice boardwalk, he said that he isn’t a fan of Capitalism (I’m not either, really) and that he likes walking around with all the weirdoes in Venice because he’s actually one of them but he “can hide it better.” Eep.
- The rant…I’ll write a separate paragraph about the rant.
- Multiple references to being broke (I don’t have a lot of money either, but I don’t need to talk about it much).
- He referenced the free movie tickets before the date and during the date (he actually had to pay $4 total at the box office, and he did cover that).
- He complained about where he lived, where he worked, and lots of other things. He generally seemed rather negative.
I was relieved when it was time to head to the
theater. We watched the movie, and I thought
it was a really fun movie. It was definitely the best part of the date.
As we were walking out of the movie theater,
I was treated to a diatribe:
He started talking about a tv show he was watching lately,
maybe Californication, that was talking about how movies are dying. He realized that they were right, he barely
goes to the movies anymore and usually just watches shows. (Just as a reminder, I am a filmmaker, as in movies are my business
and my passion.) So as he is droning
about the death of my industry, I’m wondering why anyone would talk about such
a thing on a date, much less a classical musician. I'm forcing a smile and trying to get through the end of this date.
When I tune back in he’s talking about how long Wagner’s works were and he wonders if
we’re moving in the direction of seeing longer works like that in
theaters. It takes every ounce of my
self-control to keep my eyes from rolling.
As we part ways, he said that maybe he’ll call me or maybe
I’ll call him.
Spoiler alert: I did not call him.
(And luckily he didn't
call me either.)
It is interesting though to think about General Rules for First Dates.
I sometimes get anxious and feel like I don’t know how to date, but
clearly I have certain ideas about how one is supposed to behave on a first
date. Other people might have different rules, does anyone want to suggest other General Rules for First Dates? Or think my rules are unfair? When I write them
out, it seems like a lot of topics not to talk about. But those are generally the rules I adhere to
for polite conversation with strangers, which is really what a first date
is: spending some time with a stranger to figure out if you'd like to get to know each other better.
Bachelor #6 would likely have different First Date Rules, but this date made it abundantly clear that we're incompatible in many ways! I don't know if it was the worst date I've ever been on, but it's in the Top 5. At least the movie was good!
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