8 Reasons it Doesn't Suck to Be Single for the Holidays

*Includes a holiday sprinkling of NSFM (Not Safe for Mom) language*

As the Holiday Season starts earlier each year, so does the Holiday Season Singles Anxiety.  The popular narrative is that it is awful to be single for the holidays.  But let's be honest, unless your family kicks you out of their Christmas card for your single status (like Bridget), it's really not so bad.

My dating activity has come to a screeching halt.  The Speed Dating events I've found seem sketchy, Grouper is only in NYC right now, and my friends don't seem to know any eligible bachelors that I'm not already friends with.  I'm bored with OkCupid and no one who has sent a message has been "Fuck Yes" worthy.  A sample recent message (verbatim): "Heyy you look tooo sweet, you are giving me a toothache 'ouch'  lol  ;D"  And I'm like... 

Bachelor #9 and I are talking again (platonically), but in our catch-up talk I seemed to fail at the "I'm Ok" side of the "I'm Ok, You're Ok" discussion.  Nothing makes you say Joy to the World like getting that Look of Concern.  
P.S. I'm fine.
P.P.S.

I've had to face that I'm Super Duper Single for the Holidays. (Can I get a cape?)
Instead of crying into my eggnog, I've been thinking about how being single for the holidays has some advantages:

1) You don't have to go to your significant other's family gatherings, office parties, or friend's friend's parties.  The holiday season is busy enough with just my own social engagements, I don't mind not having to juggle someone else's party schedule.

2) You don't have to decide whether to invite your (perhaps not-so) significant other to your family gatherings office parties, or friend's friend's parties.  Maybe you just started dating, maybe you still don't know if you're "hanging out" or "dating," but the holidays can put a lot of pressure on relationships and non-relationships alike.

3) You can meet someone new (or lots of new someones) at all those holiday parties.  True story: I've been getting better at talking to strangers, and have actually been meeting real guys at holiday parties.  These conversations aren't turning into dates (yet?), but there have been some phone numbers exchanged.  And sometimes it's just fun to flirt.  The best news about all these holiday parties: each new week means more parties and meeting more fish in the sea.

4) Or you could finally make your move/pounce on your crush under the mistletoe.  Nevermind that this usually backfires in movies and TV.  But speaking from personal experience, if it does backfire, at least you probably won't have to see them until next year.

5) You can get a jump start on those New Years Resolutions.  You know that person who is saved in your phone as "Do Not Answer"?  It's better to be on your own than with someone you know is bad for you.  Instead of swearing off the bad behavior starting January 1, start now.  Do Not Answer those calls/texts/snapchats, and Do Not Initiate those calls/texts/snapchats.  2015 will thank you.

6) You can do the holidays your way.  If you want to listen to Maria Carey's Christmas album 24/7, go for it (as long as I don't have to listen).  This year I'm learning how to do the holidays my way: the holiday music I like (such as "Christmas is Going to the Dogs" by The Eels or "Spotlight on Christmas" by Rufus Wainwright), I made a wreath instead of getting a tree, and a total absence of ugly Christmas sweaters.

7) You can finish the year strong!  Were there things you wanted to do in 2014 and didn't get around to?  You still have time, don't let it wait until 2015 if you can get it done in 2014!  Starting December 1st I've been meditating every day, because I'd been meaning to and there's no time like the present! (har har meditation humor)

8) And/Or give yourself a break.  Last year I had quite a bit of romantic drama and I declared December 21st-31st: 10 Days of No New Boy Drama (some just to see if it was possible).  It was awesome.  The end of one year and beginning of another is a good time to look at what's working in your life and what you'd like to work on.  Not New Years Resolutions like, "Go on a diet," but learning what helps you be your happiest, healthiest self.

So Super Duper Singles, repeat after me: I don't want to just be with someone, I want to be with someone awesome. 
xoxo

P.S. Los Angeles!  I'm doing a standup show at Flappers in Burbank TOMORROW night (12/18) at 8pm.  You can buy tickets here.  We'll make you laugh, I promise!

F&@# Yes and Family Matchmaker Month!

I celebrated Thanksgiving with family, went to my 10 year high school reunion (which was actually really fun!), and caught up on Serial.  Now, I'm back! 

*Includes some NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) language*

We wrapped up Katt's Matchmaker week, and there are no new matches.  

There are a few contributing factors:

1) My head wasn't exactly in the game.  It was interesting to observe/remember how I handle breakups: I throw myself into my work.  While I know it's healthier than throwing myself at the next guy that comes along, it wasn't very conducive to a dating experiment.  I.e. I had zero interest in OkCupid.  Even without a breakup, I often feel OkCupid fatigue after a while- more on that later. 

2) The profile wasn't funny (and I'm a comedian).  A guy friend looked at the profile and said that it was telling, not showing.  Don't tell me you're good at making people laugh, show me that you're good at making people laugh!  My profile before the experiment had leaned too much on humor (sometimes absurdity) and it's been good to push myself to be more genuine in the profile.  But it should have some humor!

3) I'm adopting Mark Manson's Law of "Fuck Yes or No": Only getting involved with guys that I am really enthusiastic about getting involved with, and they share the enthusiasm for the relationship.  I've often felt more "Sure, Why Not" about guys I've gotten involved with than "Fuck Yes."  At the beginning of the experiment I was focused on dating different types of guys than I normally did, so I wanted to be open to all types of guys.  This has helped me learn a lot about what kind of guy I'm looking for, and I'm grateful to the Bachelors for what they've helped me learn.  But as I'm getting a better idea of who I want to date, I don't want to go on dates with guys that I know aren't a good match.  I don't want to waste my time, or their's!

There were some guys that sent nice messages this week, but no one was in the Fuck Yes category so there are no new matches.  There were also a lot of boring messages, maybe because the profile wasn't funny? 

Katt liked Mark Manson's Law of FY/N and also sent me his post about Love Is Not Enough.  While I don't necessarily agree with bashing John Lennon, I definitely agree that love doesn't make a relationship work.  It's an important piece of the puzzle, but only one piece.  I wish someone had told me this when I was 19 and in a very tumultuous relationship, although I probably wouldn't have listened!  Ah, "What Doesn't Kill You" or whatever.  

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We started a new Matchmaker week month! 

I'd been planning for my parents to have a Matchmaker week, my mom had been the Matchmaker for Week 1 and wanted another shot at it, and I was curious to get their insights since they've been following the experiment and blog.  As Thanksgiving approached, I thought, "What about having a Family Matchmaker Week?"  My brother was also a Matchmaker (for Week 5) and if we all put our heads together on a profile it'd be like a Matchmaker Supergroup!

Thanksgiving weekend I sat down with my parents and brother to write An Awesome Profile, combining all I've learned from the experiment.  We tried to balance my city girl/farm girl interests, my passion for film and writing, my travel stories, that I'm looking for an honest and kind guy, my romantic side and serious side, oh yeah and make it funny.  It took a while.  

Luckily we can always make each other laugh, for example: while working on the "I spend a lot of time thinking about" section, the first thing my mom suggested was "Climate change," not remembering that it was the first thing she'd suggested when we wrote the profile in Week 1!  I laughed and said I didn't think it was best to put that as the first thing I think about a lot, but it did make the final cut (further down the list).  

It also reminded me how much nuance there is in writing a good online dating profile.  Often my parents would suggest something and my brother and I would basically say, "Yes that's true but you can't say it like that in a profile!"  It was important to my dad that we write about my solo travels because "that takes balls" (his words) and it would attract guys.  But "I like to travel" is an OkCupid cliche, so the challenge was not only to figure out what we wanted to convey but also interesting ways to say it.  

We looked at pictures on the profile, and again came to the conclusion that I need new pictures.  Ugh.  I prefer to be behind the camera, but I need to ask friends to help me take better pictures (including this to publicly hold myself accountable).  

We're changing the process slightly also: since I've realized how important physical attraction is, I'll be the first filter (instead of the Matchmakers).  If I don't find a guy attractive, I won't go on a date with him.  What a concept!

Why a month?  Remember the OkCupid fatigue I mentioned?  Lately on OkCupid I've felt like, "Haven't I seen everyone on here?"  So I want to mix it up.  This profile will be up for December and I'll also try other methods of meeting guys: speed dating, singles mixers, Grouper, asking friends to be wingmen/wingwomen, and hey friends/family, set me up with single guys you know! 

These other methods also have the bonus of community (not the show!).  The isolation of online dating is part of what gets to me.  The Matchmakers help, but applying the Law of Fuck Yes makes OkCupid a bit more bleak.  I wish I was attracted to every guy who sends a nice message, but that is not the case.  Recently I was looking at a guy's profile and he was cute! Tall! Monogamous!  I was optimistic until I read his profile.  He talked about seeing a UFO, doing DMT, and 9/11 being an inside job.  Ugh.  Those are the times that I feel like throwing in the towel.  Hopefully more involvement of my friends, even just laughing with me about the strangeness of dating, will help.  Good times or bad times are always better with friends!

Liebster Award, My Most Embarrassing Moment & More!

I've been nominated for a Liebster Award!  Yessica at The Push Up Bra gave me the kind nod, and I love her blog (can't wait for Part 2 of the story of Mr. Right Kind of Wrong!).  The Liebster Award is intended to help people discover new bloggers, and the rules for when you get nominated are:

1) Answer the questions sent to you
2) Nominate 11 bloggers
3) Ask them 11 questions thought of by yourself
4) Notify them that they have been nominated

First I'll answer the questions from Yessica:
1. What type of guy/girl are you attracted to?

This blog has been an exploration of that question!  I don't have one physical type, but one constant is tall dudes.  Fitness is important, not like six-pack abs but at least enjoys LA hiking.  I do like beardy dudes (and have been enjoying the blog Kissing Bearded Men), and I guess simply: tall, dark and handsome.  Creative, even if not professionally.  Kind, honest, easy-going.

2. What was your most embarrassing moment?

Uh, ever?  Probably in sixth grade, when a classmate found out who I had a crush on at lunch time and stood up at the lunch table and started shouting that information to the whole school.  I was mortified!  (My crush was in the same class as I was and was sitting just down the table from me.)  I was drinking a Capri Sun with my lunch, and started spraying the Capri Sun in the offending classmate's face until he stopped yelling.  I had to clean lunch tables, but it was totally worth it.

3. When and what was the last lie you told?

Hmm I try to lie as little as possible.  But at a party over the weekend, a girl I'd just met decided to show me a bunch of photos of the different colors her hair had been over the past few years (various shade of blonde and brunette).  I was about to tear my own hair out from boredom, but I think I told some lies about the photos being interesting.

4. What do you like best about yourself?

Buhhhh... that I'm very genuine and care for others.

5. What is your guilty pleasure?

Coconut Bliss ice cream, and watching The New Girl.

6. Is there anything you regret?

Hmmm.  I believe that everything teaches you something, so I have very few regrets.  There's have been a few times that I haven't respected my own boundaries/values and done things I regret, but I try to use those as lessons and reminders.

7. Do you believe in love?

Yup.

8. If you could have a wish come true right now, what would it be?

To get financing for my first feature film and a reliable way to pay my rent.

9. Would you get back to your ex if you had the choice?

Ugh, today I plead the 5th.  On principle, I don't move backwards in life.

10. Do you still remember your first kiss?

Yes.  Technically I think my first kiss was during a game of spin the bottle but I decided that didn't count.  The one that counted was at Disneyland I think.  We dated for a bit, we're still Facebook friends. 

11. Do you remember your first crush?

I apparently had a "boyfriend" in pre-school.  Does that count?

Bloggers I nominate:

@GweiloDiary

@DatingCityGirl

@TinderellaLA

@imkissingfrogs

@RobynWahlgast 

@SeattleSheHulk

@thedatingdept

@lvfromana

@goodguyswagger

@NoSexintheCity

@iquitdating

11 Questions to answer:

1. Why did you start your blog?

2. What's your writing process like?  Do you write posts in one sitting or revise and edit?

3. What is one thing (or person) you're grateful for?

4. When you were a teenager, did you have a teen idol crush? (If so, on who?)

5. Do you have a standard first date activity or do you mix it up?

6. What's the best date you've been on?

7. Do you believe that all is fair in love and war?

8. What's one thing you wish people you dated knew/understood?

9. What makes you really fall for someone?

10. Do you have a pickup line or strategy?

11. What are you most excited about in 2015?

Beginning, Middle, and End. (Two Dates and a Breakup)

Phew.  It's been a heck of a week.  I'm basically going to cram 6 blog posts into this one, so here goes:

1) We wrapped up Ariana's Matchmaker week.  During the week she'd asked me to respond to the incoming OkCupid messages, and picked two guys that I had been sending messages back and forth with.

Introducing:
Bachelor #14: 26 years old, a filmmaker (like myself).  Ariana liked him because we'd mentioned Tilda Swinton in the profile (Only Lovers Left Alives is one of my favorite movies of this year) and in his initial message he asked if I'd heard about when she slept in a glass box for installation art.

Bachelor #15: 36 years old, a comic book editor.  Ariana liked him because he seemed like a good mix of nerdy, intellectual, and seems like he has similar values as I do (he referenced the Occupy movement and climate change).  I was very intrigued that he's lived and traveled around the world (as I have) and he seems really positive about his life, which is definitely something I'm looking for.

2) I had a date with Bachelor #14 (Date #9).  We met for drinks in my neighborhood, and it was actually nice to have a simpler date after my date with Bachelor #12.  Since I'm combining all of these into one post, I'll give the very brief version of the date: it felt more like friends/networking drinks than a date.  I always like meeting new people and we shared film and travel stories, so it wasn't bad but I didn't feel any chemistry.  I haven't heard from him so I think we're on the same page about that.  I don't know where the etiquette is there, I've been trying to give the bachelors a heads up of what I'm going to write before I post it, but it seems odd to contact someone just to say I'm not feeling it.  Thoughts?

3) We started Matchmaker Week #8, with my best friend's mom Katt as the Matchmaker.  Katt has been one of the biggest supporters of the experiment, she's like a second mom to me and has often posted comments on Facebook about the blog posts.  She's also never shy about her opinions, for example her comment on the previous blog post was, "Taser.  I'm just saying."

After I'd asked her to be the Matchmaker, she sent me some questions to get a better idea of what I'm looking for, including:

"You are a writer and a film maker, so I want to start there.  Are there any fictional guys you are attracted to?"

"Where do you see yourself personally in five years? Waking up next to a guy who stays? Visiting someone on the weekends? Is sex important? Is romance important? Do you want someone who will hold your hand in public? Get you vegan cupcakes when you are sad? What are you looking for long term, not just for the experiment?”

Phew.  Lots to think about.  She also sent me a Dr. Nerdlove article titled "What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams" which really does have some good advice and some adorable gifs.  

Katt is also a writer, so I shared with her the profile from my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, the profile I had up on OkCupid before the experiment, and combined with the knowledge she has from knowing me for the past 15+ years, she put together a profile.  It looked good to me, so we put up some different photos and the new profile.

4) But it was a tough week because I realized two things:
     a) I was falling for Bachelor #9, and therefore
     b) We needed to break up.

I took a few days to consider it and tried to find some alternative to breaking up, but there didn't seem to be any way to scale back our relationship that didn't seem false.  It seemed so strange to break up with someone because I like him too much.  But the reality was that my attachment to him could interfere with my potential to develop a relationship with someone who actually is looking for a monogamous relationship.

At the end of our previous date B#9 and I had a serious conversation about both of our concerns about our relationship, and whether we were doing the right thing by dating. Neither of us want to hurt the other and we knew that it was a risk of dating, but we also really both enjoyed spending time together. As we talked, we both felt like we were doing the right thing. But as he left, he said to let him know if I thought more about it and changed my mind. So when I did change my mind, it was nice to know that it wouldn't be out of the blue for him.

When we met up and talked, I think it was a bit of a relief for both of us. We'd both been seeing how close we were getting and how tough it could be. It was nice to find a time to end it that felt fair to both of us, before things got messy and we resented each other. But that still didn't make it easy. We both were really sad, I cried quite a bit and it was nice to be able to cry on his shoulder. We also laughed some and talked a lot, and it was nice to be able to say everything. This was the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and (at least so far) the healthiest breakup I've ever had, because we were so open and honest with each other. 

 

I am so grateful for the time that he and I had together, because it showed me a totally different type of relationship than I'd experienced before: calm, communicative, supportive. Now that I know what that looks like, it will help me find it again. At one point I worried that I would get spoiled by getting used to being with a guy who respects me and treats me well, and then I realized that's the point. To be clear. "treats me well" doesn't mean fancy/expensive stuff: our only gifts to each other were $1 books (on a date at a book store) and though our dates were romantic they weren't very fancy. We just enjoyed spending time together, wherever we were. And that's something really great to experience, to be reminded that it's possible.

Honestly, I think a big difference between this relationship/breakup and others I've had is that he really took responsibility for his feelings and was honest about them. I always knew how he felt about me, even on our first date. He didn't feel the need to hide his feelings, and I never felt a need to push to figure out what he felt. On our third date, when we discussed whether we should date or not, he said that we would both likely get emotionally attached to each other. Most guys I've dated would've said to me, "You might get attached," but wouldn't have admitted that they too might also get emotionally attached. And when we were breaking up, he was really sad about it too and said that this had been one of the most intense relationships he'd been in. But he also felt like it was the right thing to end it now.

Since he was so honest about his feelings, it helped me be more honest about my feelings too.  I noticed it was nice that he often told me things he liked about me, so I often told him things I liked about him.  He could also read me really well, and sometimes seemed to know how I was feeling even before I did. Thankfully he never tried to tell me what I was feeling, he was always kind and patient. It encouraged me to be very honest with him about what I was feeling, even if took some time between when he asked me and when I understood what I felt. I'm very used to being able to read other people well but very unused to someone being able to read me well, and I know it's part of why I felt so connected to him.

It's been a few days since we broke up, and it hasn't been fun or easy but I'm definitely alright. I get sad sometimes but I try to appreciate the good times we had together and all that I learned. That kind of connection with someone is rare and that's why it's hard to let it go, but I'm grateful for it.  We're going to give each other a month of space (no communication) and then try to be friends, so I'm glad that we didn't have to say goodbye forever.  

(And for whenever he reads this, #drunkstarfishsaysyolo.)

Some things I'd forgotten about breakups:
A) "We need to talk." I didn't actually use this phrase, because it's so cliche. I didn't want to break up with him via text (because that's rude) but I also didn't want to pretend like everything was totally ok and then have him surprised by the breakup. I hadn't broken up with anyone in a while, and it was a tough balance of not saying too much or too little via text until we could talk in person.

B) Don't listen to the radio when you have a heartache.  One heartsick afternoon I heard "Love is a Battlefield," "The Bed's Too Big Without You," and "You Make Loving Fun" on the radio.  Tears may have been shed.

C) Telling everyone is a bummer.  Especially because of the blog, everyone in my life knew that B#9 and I were dating.  My friends were getting updates on how sickeningly sweet it is when two romantics date.  Since many of my past relationships weren't labelled "relationships." less people knew about them and there were less people to tell when it ended.

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And maybe I thought I could bounce back a little more quickly than was realistic.  

5) Bachelor #15 and I went on a date (Date #10) a few days after B#9 and I broke up. B#15 had planned a mini golf date, because he'd read that I prefer non-traditional date activities. I was really looking forward to the date, but as I started to get ready for the date my heart literally started to hurt. My emotions have a fun trick of presenting as physical feelings, especially if I'm avoiding the emotions (ugh, I get it, I'm sensitive). I was surprised that I was feeling this, since I'd been going on dates while dating B#9. But it made me realize that maybe I need to take a bit of a break to give myself time to process the breakup.

Bachelor #15 and I had fun on our mini golf date and really great conversation over drinks after. Early in the date he said that he really enjoys cooking (and went to culinary school for a time) and one of the things he misses most about being in a relationship is having someone to cook for. I thought that was very sweet, and heard the "kind/nurturing" cues in it.

But I wasn't feeling romantic chemistry. I was trying to assess my feelings/attraction level throughout the date, and keep in check with myself about how the breakup was affecting my feelings. He'd asked me to be really open and honest with him and I though I was. But at the end of the evening he went for a goodnight kiss and I turned so he kissed my cheek, and I realized that my body language was much more honest than I'd been able to be. I was quite frustrated with myself afterwards, that I hadn't been able to be more forthcoming verbally and avoid that awkwardness for both of us. I texted him when I got home to apologize for not being more honest, and let him know I'd like to be friends if he's open to it. We texted back and forth a bit, and although I wish I could have been more honest in person at least I cleared it up pretty quickly. It's the practice.

6) So I'm going to take some time to process everything that's been going on. We're going to extend Katt's Matchmaker Week an additional calendar week, and I hope that'll be sufficient. Also, part of the point of this experiment is to look at the role of community in dating, and now I get to see the role of community in a breakup. I have to really let myself feel this, and maybe I need to watch a romcom and eat ice cream with a friend instead of pretending like nothing has changed.

When Katt asked me about fictional guys that I have crushes on, one of the guys that came to mind is John Cusack's character in High Fidelity. He's far more high-strung than a guy I would want to date, but I relate to how important music is to him. I don't make Top 10 lists, but music is my language and I try to find the right music for particular moments.  "Careful You" by TV on the Radio has been the song that reminded me of my relationship with B#9 from the beginning. It wasn't "Our Song" because we never listened to it together, but everyone kept telling me to "be careful" (because I think they could tell that I'd started to fall for him so quickly) and the lyrics are exactly how I felt. 

I've been thinking about Breakup Albums this week, from Rumors by Fleetwood Mac to Coral Fang by The Distillers (about Distillers lead singer Brody Dalle's divorce from Rancid's Tim Armstrong).  The new TV on the Radio album, Seeds was released today and it's definitely the album of this breakup for me.  From I will care for you/Oh, careful you in "Careful You" to Everything's gonna be ok, I keep telling myself of the song "Trouble," it's like Tunde Adebimpe is in my head (in a good way).  Heartache is part of the human experience, it's something we can all relate to.  And I highly recommend the album, heartache or no.  

Date #8: A Bullfight at MOCA

When I wrote about Date #4 I listed some General Rules for a (Bad) First Date.  Since then I've learned that to some guys, setting Rules for a First Date is like waving a red flag in front of a bull.  Introducing Date #8, featuring Bachelor #12 as the bull, and myself as a matador.  Olé. 

We had an unusual bullfighting arena: the Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA) in Downtown LA.  He had suggested meeting there, and I hadn't been in a while so I agreed.  I find it interesting that I hadn't been on a museum date before this experiment, and now 4 of the 8 dates have been at museums!

Bachelor #12 had read quite a bit of the blog and was at times self-conscious about it, saying that he knew too much about me.  He's a very intellectual and very intense guy.  He is 25 years old and Non-Monogamous, which I found interesting because Bachelor #9 is also 25 and Non-Monogamous.  As it turns out they are very different (although they both call me a hipster, which I find funny because I figured I'd feel less hip dating younger guys).  As we chatted about relationships he said that all relationships are temporary and all we're left with is what we learn from each other, which I found rather profound and appropriate as I'm learning from all of the different bachelors.

But he set the tone for the date fairly early on by saying, "I'm going to break all of your First Date Rules."  At the time I actually interpreted this as an advanced apology for potential social awkwardness.  But upon reviewing the date as a whole, it now seems like more of a statement of intent.  I don't know if he wanted to challenge my First Date Rules to make me feel foolish for having stated them, or if he just found it odd that I'm not the most socially normative person and yet was setting Rules.

Either way, he indeed did break almost every First Date Rule that I had outlined.  Perhaps most strikingly (and sort of hilariously) as he was telling me about his philosophy studies and his own personal moral code, and he said, "For example, I'm not sure that there's anything wrong with killing babies."  He would later tell me that in philosophy debates, "killing babies" is a frequently used example.  I took some philosophy courses and was perhaps not as shocked by this statement as some would be, but I think I'd been zoning out a bit during his rant and so my first thought was, "Why am I standing in an art museum listening to this guy talk about killing babies?"

New First Date Rule: Try to avoid talking about killing babies. 

Let me poke some holes in my red flag: I never meant the Rules to be iron clad, I think there are generally exceptions to every rule.  Different people's First Date boundaries will be different, and a good date is when your boundaries are compatible.  I expressed my preferences while writing about Date #4, and am continually learning about what factors contribute to a good or bad date for me.  And this date was no exception.

For as long as I can remember, when I was talking about what I was looking for in a partner, I would say that I was looking for a guy who challenged me.  This date with B#12 made me think about what that means, and what I'm really looking for.  By starting off the date saying, "I'm going to break all of your First Date Rules," he was definitely challenging me, and it can also be seen as saying, "I'm going to make you uncomfortable."  I'm not looking for the type of guy who just says, "Yes, Dear" to everything, but I'm also not looking for a guy who will intentionally make me uncomfortable (especially on a first date).  I've been with a lot of Challenging guys, I've been with a "Yes, Dear" guy or two, but only lately have I experienced what it's like to be with a guy who is Nurturing.

I hadn't recognized how much I'd gotten used to a calm, nurturing dynamic until after this Bullfight Date with B#12 when I realized, I'm tired of relationships that are so combative.  I push myself a lot, constantly, and a guy who is supportive is better for me right now than one who is pushing.  I'm also a rather stubborn person, so being pushed toward something can just makes me resistant to it.  But if someone can give me the space to work it out on my own or give constructive feedback, it's a smoother process.

Boom, paradigm shift: "Challenging" gets moved down the list of traits I'm looking for in a guy, and "Nurturing/Kind" moves way up.  Not that Challenging it totally off the list, but even that the way someone challenges me is more in the Nurturing/Kind way than Aggressive.

I realize that Nurturing is not typically seen as a masculine tendency.  I briefly dated a guy a few years ago who was condescending and when I talked to him about it he said I was looking for him to be nurturing and "Guys aren't nurturing."  Luckily I'm finding that's not true!  Maybe Kind or Supportive are more comfortable words for guys.  I stay away from the word "Nice" because guys sometimes get caught in "Nice Guys Finish Last" and it can motivate them to act like not very nice guys.

It's also interesting that B#12 matched during my friend Chelsea's Matchmaker week, which was more aggressive profile, while B#9 (who is nurturing) matched during my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, which was a more romantic profile.  A few things I take from this:

1) I am more compatible with a guy who responded to a romantic profile than an aggressive profile.  I really would need more data on this because B#9 was the only guy that I actually went on a date with from Greg's Matchmaker week.  But I think I should lean toward dating more romantic guys.  Also the way I'm represented in the profile may affect the way the bachelors interact with me.  B#9 said he'd thought of challenging me about my First Date Rules but decided he didn't want to be that way, perhaps because I'd been portrayed in a romantic/sensitive way.  B#12 probably generally challenges people, but may have been even more challenging with me because that profile had presented me as a more aggressive person.

2) Let's talk about gender roles.  Stereotypically, aggressive is masculine and romantic is feminine.  Yet, Chelsea (female) is our aggressive example and Greg (male) is our romantic example.  I am looking for a masculine man who is in touch with his feminine side, as I am a feminine woman but I also am in touch with my masculine side.  I prefer Power Tool Therapy to Retail Therapy; I'm happy to put on a dress and heels for a night out but spend most of my time wearing yoga pants and running shoes.  I really hope that our society can move past such strict ideas of gender norms because they can be really harmful and limiting to both genders (and anyone that doesn't feel they fit into the gender binary).

3) I actually need to get more comfortable with my romantic/sensitive side.  Today I apologized for "getting all emo" to a friend, and she lovingly scolded me a bit for minimizing my feelings.  I've realized that being with a nurturing guy allows me to let my nurturing side show more, which I actually like.  But it takes a bit of adjusting (and reminding myself) that I like nurturing guys and the nurturing side of myself.

4) How do I figure out who is Kind/Nurturing?  At least for the experiment: OkCupid has a section called "Personality" in which they show which personality traits are strongest in someone compared to average.  One of those personality traits is Kind (I believe Compassionate is also on there sometimes) so I'll be paying more attention to that in guys' profiles.  Also, I've started to notice that some guys list "Kindness" on their profile as something that is important to them.  And I am working on getting better at recognizing the way people show kindness or empathy in communication, online and offline.

If you need more evidence for why I might prefer Kindness, check out this article: Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits. (Spoiler alert: the 2 traits are Kindness and Generosity).

But now back to the date, where I hadn't figured out that paradigm shift yet...

I felt like B#12 and I weren't really clicking, but he suggested that we get drinks so we could get to know each other in a different setting.  From the experimental perspective, I was curious: would we connect differently in a different setting?  B#9 and I had recently discussed whether the setting of our first date affected how much we connected.  So why not get a drink and see if a change of scenery brings a change of tone?

We went to a nearby bar and got a booth, and we did seem to connect better over drinks.  Maybe a drink helped both of us relax a bit, and we were a bit more playful in our debates.

**This is now where anyone (i.e. family members) who don't want to read about anything remotely sexual should stop reading.  Love you all.**

One round of drinks turned into two, and we got a bit cozy in the booth.  When he put his arm around me and kissed me, I kissed him back.  I was a bit surprised myself, but I also felt like, "Why not?"  I tend to be a rather serious person, and sometimes it's nice to let go a bit.

But his hands were wandering a bit more than I was comfortable with, and when I had pushed his hand away from a certain area twice he said, "You're only half fun."  I was taken aback at this and asked which half of me was not fun, and he said the half that was pushing his hand away.  Bam.  Any goodwill that we had accrued quickly evaporated.

I think I've mentioned that I'm working on boundaries, and I know that one of the reasons it's difficult for me to clearly express physical boundaries with guys is that I'm worried they won't like me if I say "No."  So when a guy essentially says that he likes me less because I was saying no (even just with body language) it was frustrating.  The good news is that I didn't give up my boundaries, I stood my ground and he didn't try again.  He apologized and said he didn't want me to feel pressured, but acknowledged that clearly I had felt pressured.  The bad news is that after the date, I didn't feel good about what had happened.  I was blaming myself, wondering what should I have done differently to prevent that from happening.  Should I have worn a different dress?  Not gotten two drinks with him?  Not gotten drinks at all?

I am still working on boundaries and communication, and I know I could have been clearer with B#12 about my boundaries (and clearer with myself).  But we'd also fallen into a trap that you might not think that two people who had spent the evening discussing philosophy and unusual moral codes would fall into: guy feels that he is entitled to access to girl's body, girl feels shame and guilt.  I don't intend to shame myself or B#12, but to point out that if even two very educated people who are very aware of and often eschew social norms can get caught up in these gender dynamics, it's a good thing for us to take a beat to think about.

I firmly believe:

Consent is sexy. 

Everyone should feel safe and heard, whether it's a first date or a tenth.  

I've heard from a few guys lately that it's difficult for guys to navigate modern masculinity, and I would suggest reading articles like Yes, You Can Be a Gentleman and Have Great Sex, or basically anything by Jordan Gray, or other articles at The Good Men Project.  And ladies, check them out too.  Both genders' struggles are entwined, and it would help for each to have a better understanding and empathy for the challenges of each gender.

B#12 texted me several days after our date to plan another date.  I told him that I didn't think we should see each other again because I think we're looking for different things and I felt that my boundaries weren't respected, but I appreciated what I'd learned from the date.  He was very apologetic, and I told him I appreciated it and hoped it could be an opportunity for learning and growth for him also.

It's unusual for me to be so upfront with someone about crossing boundaries, and I really appreciate that B#12 was apologetic instead of defensive.  This blog forces me to be more honest with the bachelors than I normally would be, but it's been really positive and encouraging.  I also appreciate that the blog allows me the space to (or requires that I) analyze each date and what I learn from them.  And I appreciate each of the bachelors for being part of the experiment and letting me write about them!

Who do you want to attract?

"Who do you want to attract? Someone more like yourself or someone who complements you?"

Don't tell other writers that I let the cat out of the bag, but procrastination is a big part of the writing process.  I wish I could tell you that it's always easy to sit down and write.  The truth is that sometimes when I need to write, instead I putter around my apartment, clean, stare out the window, check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and then Facebook again, i.e. anything other than write.  

This week has felt like a Master class in Procrastination, with the new Cold War Kids album as the soundtrack.

We started my friend Ariana's Matchmaker week several days ago.  I'd been meaning to write about it, but then I got sick, and I needed to write about Date #7, then I had other work to do, and I hadn't figured out how to write about it so I was avoiding it.  

There was nothing wrong with the start of Ariana's Matchmaker week, but it had neither the drama of writing the Romantic profile during my brother Greg's week (Week 5: Looking for Love...?) nor the raucous shenanigans the Confident profile of my friend Chelsea's week (Week 6: Tequila, Zombies, and Being High Maintenance).  

Ariana and I had talked about who we were trying to attract, but we didn't come up with any specific type.  I said maybe tattooed guys who ride motorcycles, since that's the opposite of the guys I've been dating, but there aren't a ton of those type of guys on OkCupid.  I just realized we used the word "badass" twice, so maybe that helps with that target demographic?  We did try to show my outdoorsy side, as well as my creative, healthy, and adventurous sides.  It was also good to catch up with Ariana, she's been living in Tennessee for a bit and I miss being able to chat with her over coffee or on a long walk.  The experiment has been a fun excuse to catch up with friends.  

But I hadn't found that Thing to write about.  Usually these Things politely appear during the writing of the profile, or even in the first few days of the Matchmaker week.  This one hid for the better part of a week, and then tapped me on the shoulder and punched me in the nose. 

 

I was chatting with a friend, funnily enough on OkCupid because he'd found the dating experiment profile.  We started talking about our respective OkCupid experiences, and we've both had trouble attracting people that we could actually be in relationships with.  I expressed some frustration that one of my goals of the experiment was to figure out how to attract the type of guys that I wanted to attract, but I'd at least been learning more about the types of guys that I'm compatible with so at least that should help.  And then he asked me two rather simple questions, ones which I thought I basically knew the answers to: "Who do you want to attract? Someone more like yourself or someone who complements you?"  And as I tried to articulate answers, I was confounded.  Stumped.  Baffled.  I got into a bit of a mood. I washed dishes, dyed my hair, and did anything I could think of to avoid these questions.  I feel like I've learned so much, I've been writing about the things I'm learning, and I realized recently that the experiment has been going on for three months!  So what have I learned about what kind of guy I'm looking for? 

Ok well let's start with some easy ones:

1) Monogamous: I hadn't thought that much about it before the experiment, but recent events have made me realize that monogamy really is something that I am looking for right now.  I don't believe that everyone has to be monogamous, but it seems to be the best thing for me at this point.  

2) Taller than me: Sorry guys, I tried dating guys my height or shorter but I clearly prefer dating guys who are taller than me.  I never say never, but call it a strong preference.  

While we're at it:

3) Mutual physical attraction: It may sound obvious, but I've realized it is very important to me.  

We've gotten through some more obvious ones, so let's dig in:

4) Not Too "Normal": I'd long felt that I shouldn't date "normal" guys, but in Week 3 my cousin Emily gave me a good functional definition of Too Normal, "they haven’t thought of breaking out of social constructs."  You don't have to be breaking all social norms, but you're aware of social norms and make conscious choices of which social constructs you abide by and which you eschew.  

5) Communicative: This was definitely something I valued before the experiment but it's become even more important.  My own communication skills have been improving, and I've been learning that it's better to have the awkward conversations than avoid them and hope/assume the other person is on the same page.  Bachelor #9 and Bachelor #13 have both helped me see this.  Also, I include listening skills under the Communicative umbrella, as speaking and listening are both important parts of communication.  

6) Easy-Going/Chill: I've noticed this with a few of the Bachelors, but I think I first became very aware of it on Date #3: A Classy Date with Bachelor #4.  I'm more at ease around guys who are at ease.  I like guys that can go with the flow, and enjoy the journey.  

7) Generally Positive Outlook: Bachelor #6 brought this one front and center for me (as a negative example, and several of the bachelors have been positive examples).  We all have complaints, concerns, or bad moods, but I need to be with someone who can at least look for silver linings instead of looking for more dark clouds.    

8) Grounded/Emotionally Mature: I'm still working on how to explain this one, but it's a quality that B#9 has and it sets him apart from every other guy I've been in a relationship with.  It's related to Easy-Going/Chill but on a different level.  The best way to explain it is that he's been there while I'm dealing with some tough stuff, and when I'm emotionally or physically bouncing off the walls (my Rubber Ball Heart, and when I'm nervous I'm a human pinball (not literally bouncing off walls)) he's calm, steady, supportive and patient.  He doesn't make it about him and go ricocheting in a different direction (which is what most guys I've dated would do).  But this also takes adjusting to.  I'm used to Guys Who Disappear and expect him to do the same, so it's nice but also sometimes a surprise when he acts differently. 

9) Kind: This was definitely not on my priority list when I was younger, but in the past few years I've realized it's important for me.  A guy used to really get my attention if he argued with me, and now I know that I don't want to be in a relationship full of arguments.  I like guys who have opinions and can articulate them, and I don't want to be with a guy who agrees with me just for the sake of agreeing with me.  But having different opinions doesn't mean you have to fight.  

I'm still trying to figure out whether I'm best with a guy who is more similar or complementary.  It seems that I'm looking for a guy who is similar to me in many ways, but there are some aspects where different/complementary seems to work better.  

Also, things I've learned about me:

1) Texting is my preferred mode of communication: a phone call now and then is good (and any important conversations should happen face to face), but overall texting is what I prefer for checking in or conveying information.  However, texting does have some problems.  Sometimes it can be tough to read someone's tone in a text, especially if I don't know them well.  Also, if someone takes 6+ hours to reply to a text it freaks me out.  See: Guys Who Disappear.  

2) A lot changes for me in a week: B#9 and I have been seeing each other once a week, and it's made me realize how much changes for me in a week.  I'm a freelancer, so the types of jobs I have from week to week can vary widely.  My hair color currently is changing several times per week (bright red, dark blue, blonde, and lavender, just in the past week or two).  Luckily I'm not the type of person whose life plan changes on a weekly basis, but there's always a lot to catch up on.  I used to think that I should be with someone whose life changed just as quickly, because they could understand and keep up.  But I've started to wonder if it's actually better to be with someone whose life is a bit more stable, because if both people's lives are changing quickly it might be hard to have a stable relationship.  Definitely something to think about and hopefully test out.  

3) I have a hard time talking about my feelings: I'm an artist, I'm a writer, I'm writing a blog about all of this, you'd think it'd be easy-peasy for me to talk about my feelings in real life.  It's not.  A few years ago a friend told me that when I talk about feelings it's like I'm going underwater, I take a deep breath and hold my breath during the conversation.  A few friends teased me lately about using funny voices when I am talking about/mocking what I'm feeling.  But I'm working on it.  I often quickly dismiss my own feelings as "crazy" and I'm trying to stop using that word entirely.  And the blog has actually been good for me because it forces me to be more honest with the bachelors (and more honest with myself).  

4) My brain is rather monogamous: I'm really not used to dating more than one guy at a time, much less continuing to seek out more guys to date.  Currently I'm seeing B#9 once a week, I have a second date planned with B#13 and a first date planned with B#12.  Luckily it doesn't feel like I'm cheating on anyone, but it's been taking extra prompting to get myself to log onto OkCupid.  I'm not used to having much of a dating life to juggle, but it's definitely not a bad problem to have! 

5) I'm not the most patient person: If it weren't for the experiment, I would have de-activated my OkCupid account a while ago.  Some because of that feeling of "Oh right, I should reply to that message" (Ariana wanted me to reply to messages this week, some weeks the Matchmaker has responded to messages, I think it's interesting to see the different results.)  But I think it's good that the experiment forces me to be more patient (and/or persistent).  

I really have been learning so much, and at times it's been surprisingly exhausting to be having epiphanies every other day and breakdowns to breakthroughs, and figure out how to write about it in a way that all the bachelors and my whole extended family can read.  But I love a good challenge, which is why I continually create them for myself.  So thanks for reading :)

Also, I've been meaning to write about this: 

Metro, a daily newspaper in NYC, Philadelphia, and Boston, did a story about the experiment and blog, and you can read the article here.  It also appeared in print in all 3 cities, which is pretty cool!  I had fun talking to Lakshmi Gandhi about the experiment, and after three months of writing about other people, it was interesting to read someone else's writing about me!  

Date #7: Introduction to Confidence, and PersonalGrowthPalooza

In the previous post I hadn't given specifics, but here's the cool cool cool story: B#13 and I met up at a convention for the TV show Community, known as CommuniCon.  (Since he'd worked on the show, I didn't want to write that until I knew it was ok with him.)  Definitely not your average date location but as I am a fan of Community, I was pretty excited and very curious about what a Community Convention would look like.

Spoiler alert: There's an Inspector Spacetime spaceship/phone booth, and yes I got a picture in it!

I got there right after the panel that B#13 was a part of and he was signing autographs for fans of the show (he worked on the animation for an episode, which the panel was about).  I've never started a date with someone signing autographs before (and I think he actually may have been a bit embarrassed about it), but I know that as an animator he probably rarely gets recognized for the work he does so it's pretty cool to have people asking for an autograph!  So I wandered around and looked at fan art until he was done, and then he showed me around the convention and introduced me to people he works with.  Again, totally different than a "standard date" of getting drinks or coffee, but I prefer unique/interesting dates!

In many ways, a Full Immersion Date is very appropriate for B#13.  He's an intense guy, which can be good and bad.  I'd seen some of that intensity in Digital Me vs. Real Me, and A Guy I'm Dating? when I'd been surprised and a bit unnerved that he had done some research on me, but figured (and he also expressed) that he'd just been trying to get to know me.  But one of the really good parts of that intensity is that he's very genuine, and he's just being himself without pretense.  As I've thought more about the internet research incident, it's actually not as surprising to me that he looked me up, it was surprising that he didn't hide the fact that he'd looked me up.  So what, I'd prefer a guy who lied?  Especially in LA, I've gotten so used to people that are trying to keep up appearances or "be cool" that someone who isn't concerned about pretense can be a bit jarring, but it's also refreshing.  And it also encourages me drop some of my pretense, and catch myself when I'm trying a bit too hard to "be cool."

It's funny, the morning of our date (we were meeting up midday) I woke up and immediately felt the Pre-Date Panic.  I wrote in Date #3: A Classy Date with Bachelor #4 that I always get nervous before dates.  During the experiment I've been trying to clock when and why I get nervous about dates.  At first it was because I felt like I hadn't dated in a while and wasn't sure I knew how to do it.  As I've been going on more dates that fear has dissipated, although not entirely as B#9 and I have gotten into unfamiliar dating territory for me (past 3 dates).  But first dates, yeah I know how to do those now.  So what was this Pre-Date Panic that gripped me that morning?  It was a bit of Stressing Because I Didn't Stress Enough Yet, but as I looked into it, it was mostly "What If He Doesn't Like Me?"  It's sort of embarrassing to admit, but it's true, and I think some guys don't realize that a girl is also trying to impress them on a date.  But since B#13 had done research on me, and we'd chatted online quite a bit, I decided to try on a new attitude.  What if I went into the date assuming he does like me?  Of course respectfully listening for signs that he doesn't like me, but focusing more on a) enjoying a date and b) figuring out whether I like him.  I know this shouldn't seem like a radical shift, people have been telling me to do this for years, but to actually take on that attitude is different.  And definitely helped ease my Pre-Date nerves.

Back to the date: after walking around the convention a bit, we sat and chatted for a while.  B#13 is very curious and likes to know as much as possible (see: internet research), so we talked about a ton of different things.  We talked a bunch about the experiment and what I've been learning.  At one point we were talking about how the Chelsea version of the profile was a very confident profile and he asked me, "Are you confident?"  I was a little taken aback at how to answer that, and after thinking about it I said that I'm much more confident in my work than in my dating (see: paragraph above).  It made me realize that was actually part of why I'd started this dating experiment and blog: I'm very comfortable as a writer and not so comfortable as a dater, so I wanted to use my writing to help me deal with the discomfort of dating.  I'd never thought of it that way before and articulated that to B#13, it was an interesting realization to have on a date!

We talked for quite a while, and I realized it was 2pm aka Hangry Danger Zone (I hadn't had lunch).  He suggested that we get food, and although I get really nervous eating on dates I was enjoying hanging out with him so I agreed.  We figured out a lunch spot and took separate cars since we'd be heading in different directions after lunch.

I got to the restaurant first and when he got there he was visibly upset.  We got a table and I asked what was wrong, he said it was a situation on Facebook that he normally wouldn't talk about, but he told me about it.  I told him I was glad he did, because if he'd just said, "Oh nothing," I would have wondered why his demeanor had suddenly changed and worried I'd done something wrong.  I'd asked him to be open and honest with me (as I'd been open about his research unnerving me) and that doesn't mean "open and honest only when it's good news."  My feedback on the situation was, "It seems like there's a pretty simple conversation to be had with that person."  I offered to help him with wording, but he quickly seemed to relax and said he wanted to enjoy our lunch.  Later he told me that he did have that conversation and resolve the situation, and that I'd really motivated him to do so and he's learned a new skill (how to have a direct conversation about an awkward topic).  I though it was sort of funny because I have been working on this myself and hadn't really said much, but I thought it was really cool that he's really actively learning and growing.  This experiment has been a PersonalGrowthPalooza for me and it can be a really uncomfortable process, so it is awesome to see someone else also finding those uncomfortable spots and working through them.
(Note: I am under the weather and on some cold medicine, so I will blame that for the completely made up words in this post like "PersonalGrowthPalooza.")

At the end of the date B#13 said he'd like to see me again, and I agreed.  After the date I felt a bit of hesitation, because although I enjoyed spending time with him, I wasn't quite sure if we were compatible enough to date or better as friends.  Then I reminded myself, the point of dating is to figure out whether you want to date someone.  I didn't have to have it all figured out from one date.  On the first date you pretty much just need to figure out if you want to go out on a second date with the person.  And then go from there.  B#13 and I have been talking (via instant messenger) regularly since our date and I do like that he and I can talk about real things, not just "What are you up to?" and pop culture.  So whatever it ends up being, I'm glad to have met someone new who is also on this bumpy road of betterment, and I look forward to wherever it takes us!

Digital Me vs. Real Me, and A Guy I'm Dating?

This experiment continues to surprise me, every week.

We wrapped up Chelsea's Matchmaker week, and it wasn't quite what either of us expected.  Our goal was physical attraction, we'd put up a photo that showed my curves a little more, and hoped that boom we'd get some good messages.  Instead, we got a lot of messages from far away: not just Tennessee and Nevada, but also France and Turkey.  I'm not interested in a long-distance relationship so they're all not viable Bachelor options, and it seemed strange to have a sudden influx of long-distance messages.

Chelsea had asked me to respond to messages this week, although we would discuss the guys and messages beforehand.  There were a few guys that I'd sent messages with and seemed cool, but they lived too far away (in California, but 20+ miles away) so they ultimately didn't make the cut.

So Chelsea picked one guy:
Bachelor #12: He'd sent a message that he was reading the blog and answered the OkTrends Compatibility Questions that I'd written about way back in Date #1: Week 1 Bachelor #1, then he and I traded a few messages about traveling.  He hadn't responded to the last message I'd sent, but we figured we'd send him a "You've Been Picked" message and see if he responded.

There were a few interesting things that came up with her choice:
1) I see it as a good sign when a guy has read at least some of the blog.  I talked about it a bit in Date #6: A (Whoa) Romantic Date with Bachelor #9 and now I've seen it a few times.  There are logical compatibility reasons: I want to be with someone who likes my work, and if someone likes the blog they probably like my sense of humor.  And it's a little ego boost, which doesn't hurt!  I'm not necessarily interested in every guy who reads the blog, but it's an interesting trend.

2) Bachelor #12 is 25 and according to OkCupid "Non-Monogamous."  Bachelor #9 is also 25 and non-monogamous.  Wtf?  (Mom, that stands for "Where's the Fun?" Don't look it up.)  Chelsea had originally considered 25 "not age appropriate" (I'm 28) but had given the ok when I told her that B#9 was 25 and we'd had great dates.  I hadn't noticed that B#12 is non-monogamous, Chelsea pointed it out.  That is a compatibility issue, but more on that later.

Bachelor #12 promptly replied to the message that Chelsea had picked him.  He said he'd meant to reply to the previous message, but had a fever and then got hit by a car.  He's busy catching up on work this weekend but next weekend should work.  Uh...alright!  Getting hit by a car doesn't usually seem like an "I'll be fine next weekend" incident, but I guess I will ask him for more details about it if we do schedule a date.

I was a little bummed that we only had one new Bachelor, and he was unavailable for a bit.  Chelsea and I are looking into Singles Mixers and Speed Dating events to see if we can find an interesting one.  She also is going to ask a friend of her if he would go on a friend date with me, we'd met once and he thought the experiment was interesting.

However, the day after Chelsea had made her choices (but before we got the new Matchmaker profile up) a new guy sent a message.  I took particular notice of it because he had also sent me an Instagram Follow Request (my Instagram is private), and my Instagram is not connected to the OkCupid profile.  He looked cool and he also works in Film & TV, but I couldn't figure out how he had found my Instagram account.  I was a little weirded out, but also intrigued.  The internet is all public so I couldn't be mad/offended that he'd made the connection, I just wanted to know how.  I posted on Facebook about it to see if a friend had connected us (I've been asking people to make real-life Matches) but no one claimed it.

And then I realized, I could just ask him.  Whoa, novel idea!  So I sent him a message, politely asking how he'd made that connection.  I figured there was a 75% chance he would not respond, because I know it could be seen as me "calling him out."  But he did respond!  He said that in Google Chrome, if you right click there's an option to Search Google For This Image, he'd done that with my photos on OkCupid and found my Instagram.  As a former personal assistant, I thought I knew all the tricks to internet research/stalking, but this was something new!  I also really liked that he was honest about it.

I checked in with Chelsea about it, and she approved him to be Bachelor #13.  For the record: he's 26, and doesn't list on his profile whether he's monogamous or non-monogamous.  Also for the record: what's up with all the younger dudes?  I'm not a puma yet, right?

Bachelor #13 and I exchanged a few messages in which he made a joke about a certain TV show (Edit: I checked with him and he said it's ok to use divulge that the TV show is Community) so I made a joke about that TV show, then he told me that he actually used to work on said TV show and was speaking on a panel at a convention for that show this weekend.  Would I want to be his guest at the convention?  Um, YEAH!  I'm not generally into conventions (I've never been to Comic-Con and don't plan to go) but a smaller convention about a show I like?  Yes.  Getting to meet a guy in his element?  Double yes.  I was pretty excited.

He'd said he preferred to instant message a bit before meeting up with someone, so we chatted for a while and got to know each other.  Most of the Bachelors and I have talked on the phone and texted before we met up, and it was interesting how instant messaging is a bit different.  We talked about our jobs (we both work in Film & TV but in different types/capacities), we're both problem-solvers, and we were able to make each other laugh (which is always good).

As we talked, a few things came up that showed he'd been doing some internet research about me.  Nothing that took an extraordinary amount of searching: looking me up on IMDB, looking up the movie I'm working on, and following me on Twitter.  But he's the first Bachelor to do such (or at least to tell me), and it caught me off guard.  And as someone with a Rubber Ball Heart it triggered my flight reflex a bit.  I like when a guy reads the blog, so why did this seem strange?  The OkCupid profile has a link to the blog, but it takes more effort for a guy to do independent research on me.  And connecting via multiple social media platforms rang of that velocity that sends me into Rubber Ball mode, it made me feel a little cornered.  But I figured it was intended as a compliment, he was trying to get to know me and my work.  I didn't think he was going to show up at my front door unannounced, so what was I concerned about?

I realized one reason it made me nervous was because I didn't want to be in the shadow of my online self.  What if Real Life Me is a disappointment compared to his impression of me from the blog/Instagram/Twitter/IMDB/Youtube, etc.?  I never try to misrepresent myself, but all of those are just representations, they aren't actually me.  You are not your Facebook profile.  And if someone gets to know Digital Me before Real Me, could that get in the way of them really getting to know Real Me?  I prefer to get to know someone in person, and it's interesting to see the different ways people get to know each other.

I also can be a bit guarded about my personal history.  My life has taken some unusual twists and turns and I am very grateful for the experiences I've had, but I feel some of it needs a bit of context.  For example, I've spent quite a bit of time with both anarchists and movie stars (separately) and I like people to get to know me a bit before I talk about either of those parts of my life.  Again, those aren't me.  My past influences who I am, but there are a lot of pieces to the puzzle (just like everyone else).  Also then I can tell if someone treats me differently after they hear those stories.  But I'm working on making peace with my history, and that I don't have to carefully choreograph the reveal of information with every new person I meet.  So it's an interesting test to have someone find out so much so quickly!

I went to a party with friends that night and they were saying that I needed to tell B#13 that I was getting a bit overwhelmed.  That's not my normal course of action, and I struggled with how to say it in a way that didn't sound like, "Dude back off, you're freaking me out."  But as with most of these conversations that I get so worried about, it actually went well.  He was glad to get feedback, and I also asked him to be open and communicative with me.  I dread this type of conversation but feel so much better after it's done, and that encourages me to keep starting those Awkward But Necessary talks.  Is this what growing up feels like?

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I also wanted to give an update on Bachelor #9, since I'd written that he and I had the first 3rd date of the experiment planned.  Before the date, a friend had been questioning why I wanted to be in a monogamous relationship.  I initially got defensive, then decided to really look at "Why Monogamy?"  Was it just because society told me to want that?  Turns out, no.  I realized that since I've been single for so long, being in a relationship will be very challenging for me.  I would rather just deal with that stress and not also be dating at the same time.  Since B#9 is already in a relationship I would have to be looking for other partners, and the idea of dealing with the stress of a relationship and the stress of dating new people at the same time sounds awful to me.  I admire people who have that much emotional energy, but it ain't me babe.  Also, when I'm really honest with myself, I've been in several open relationships over the years.  Not Poly, not emotionally mature and communicative relationships, and I didn't usually even call them relationships.  But that's part of what I've been wanting to move away from.  I haven't been in a committed, monogamous relationship in 6 years, but the only way to find out if that's what I want is to try.

This created a conundrum with Bachelor #9: he's in an open relationship and I don't want to be in an open relationship, but we really enjoy spending time together.  So we've decided to continue dating while the experiment is going (since I will already be dating other people).  Yes I recognize that it's a bit odd to say that I don't want to be in an open relationship, so I'm going to be in an open relationship for a short period of time.  But it didn't make sense to me to say, "I met this really awesome guy but I'm going to choose to never see him again."  I think there are things that B#9 and I can learn from each other, and I look forward to that.

And even this step has brought up new questions that I haven't thought about in a long time, such as:

-Where's the line between going on dates with someone, dating someone, and being in a relationship? 

-When do you say you're "seeing someone" or "dating"?  (Even if you're dating other people too.)

-If we're not going on a Date Date can I wear yoga pants?

-At what point do you stop counting dates?  

I hadn't had a third date in at least a year, and I don't think I've ever had a fourth date with someone I met on OkCupid.  All the relationships I've been in were with guys I met at school or work, or through friends.  There was rarely official dates until we were actually in a relationship, before that we were just "hanging out."  I've made an effort to use B#9's real name when talking about him to my family and friends, and the other day needed to clarify to a friend and stumbled over my words as I said, "The guy I'm dating?  Or seeing?  Or going on dates with?"  I've done this a few times now and it entertains me.  I know it doesn't matter what I call B#9, but it's nice to be asking the question.  It's unfamiliar territory for me, and I'm glad to exploring new frontiers in the world of dating!

Date #6: A (Whoa) Romantic Date with Bachelor #9

Well, Bachelor #9 officially raised the bar.

You may remember from Why Guys Send Bad Messages, and a Key to Dating that I was very ("Whoa") impressed with B#9's profile, but was not very impressed with his pre-date communication (after I posted that entry my brother mentioned pre-date communication is a very tough balance and I get that).

To be really honest: I'd had a crazy busy week, was very tired, and had kind of hoped B#9 would bail so I could have a date with my couch.

But I'm really glad he didn't bail on the date, because it was one of the best dates I've ever been on.

He'd suggested a sunset picnic in the park (apparently not because of what I'd written in my profile) and it was definitely a good plan.  Guys, sometimes it's the little things that impress girls: he said he'd bring a bottle of wine, and I'm used to bonehead guys who would literally just bring a bottle of wine.  So I brought a wine opener, jars to drink out of, and a blanket to sit on.  But B#9 is not one of those bonehead guys: he'd also brought a wine opener, cups to drink out of, and a blanket to sit on.  Whoa.  Planning, thoughtfulness, effort: major points in my book.

We went to the park and had a picnic on the grass as the sun was setting.  We started talking, small talk at first and then about the experiment.  He'd read a lot of the blog and explained why he hadn't contacted me earlier in the week about our date (he's a planner and wanted to have all the details before he contacted me, which I understand).  It's funny, the experiment and blog can be an ice-breaker on dates.  Anyone who reads the blog has a window into my brain, my likes and dislikes.  It's also really nice to hear when a guy likes the blog, because a) I want everyone to be willing participants in the experiment, b) it shows he took time to find out about me and what I do, and c) like most creative people, I like hearing that someone likes my work (especially if it's a guy I might want to impress!).

He had some concerns about the Bachelors being numbered, and he wasn't sure he wanted to be called Bachelor #9.  I explained my logic behind it: the other option for anonymity was making up nicknames and since I write about the guys before I meet them I'd be making up nicknames just based off their profiles.  This seemed like it could be even more problematic and reductive: for example, in my brother's week if I'd nicknamed B#9 Whoa, B#10 The Italian, and B#11 Happy All The Time.  Isn't naming someone Happy All The Time setting a high expectation (even if it's something he wrote in his profile)?  B#10 is Italian, but would he want to be called The Italian?  Even Whoa, which I mean as very complimentary, is he a horse?  (Whoa, Nellie.)  At least with numbers, everyone is on a level playing field.  Also, it gives readers some context of order: e.g. Bachelor #2 was before Bachelor #8, regardless of whether they've been reading the whole blog.  I offered that he could have a nickname if he preferred, but after discussing it he was alright with being Bachelor #9.

Also interesting: B#9 was a match from my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, which had a romantic/vulnerable profile.  But he also saw the profile for the current week (Chelsea's Matchmaker week), which is a more aggressive "prove to me that you're awesome" profile.  B#9 said that he wouldn't have sent a message to the more aggressive profile, because that's not the attitude he's looking for in a partner.  Definitely interesting data in the Marketing of Dating discussion, and we talked about Chelsea and Greg and their different attitudes toward online dating.  It was cool that he enjoyed the intellectual side of the experiment, and talking about the information I'm gathering.

We also talked about his open relationship, which was a surprisingly not weird conversation on a date.  He was happy to answer any questions about it, and he told me a bit about their relationship and his relationship history before that.  He's also conscious about how he talks about his partner on dates, and wants to be mentally with the person he's on a date with and not make them feel uncomfortable.

Basically, we started talking about everything.  

My own first date rules, out the window.  And it was awesome.  Whoa.

As we took a walk around the lake, I commented to him that it was interesting that I can talk to some people so easily and with other people I can't get a conversation going.  He was glad I found it easy to talk to him and felt the same, and wondered out loud:

"What makes this different?"  

Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out an answer to that.  Why do some people connect and others don't?  We're both from Southern California, but he grew up in a conservative religious household and I grew up in a liberal mixed religion/agnostic household.  He's 3 years younger than me, and I've never dated a guy that much younger than me (though I have been involved with guys 10 years older than me).  But he's very emotionally mature (way more mature than the older guys I've dated).  We've both traveled internationally, but not to the same places.

I think one reason we're compatible is that it's important to both of us to be open, communicative and non-judgmental.  It's really nice to feel like we can just be ourselves around each other.  And we can make each other laugh a lot, which is important!

After our walk around the lake we took the blanket and the rest of the bottle of wine to a bench near the lake, with a nice view of Downtown LA.  In case that doesn't sound romantic, it looks like this (photo credit: dyoweeboi via Echo Park Forums - I just took mental photos), aka very picturesque and romantic.  And we continued to talk about everything.

And speaking of romantic...this date included the first kiss of the whole experiment!  Much of my extended family reads this blog, so all I will say is that I was quite glad that B#9 kissed me. :)  At the end of the date that he asked about seeing me again, and we made plans for another date.  It is nice when a guy expresses on a date that he would like to see you again, it takes some of the guess work out of it!

Only after the date did I realize that we had spent about 6 hours together.  I repeat: it was a 6 hour first date that didn't feel long.  For me, a good date is when I don't dislike the guy by the end of the date.  A bad date is when I can't stand to hear another word out of his mouth.  A great date is when I really look forward to seeing him again.  Spending six hours together and feeling like I've known him for years?  That's a whole other category.  I was very, very happy.

But the next day it felt like I had an emotional hangover.  I'd had a really great date, with someone else's boyfriend.  Yeah she knew about it and was fine with it, but was I?  I'd expected the date to be like most of the others: a fun few hours, meeting someone new, and clearly seeing why we weren't compatible.  But this was different.  That had seemed like such a good thing during the date, but now it felt awful.  Great, I'd met a really cool guy that I'm really compatible with, except what we're looking for.  And that's a pretty important thing to be on the same page about.  

My usual reaction to this would be to cut and run.  I know it isn't going to work in the long-run, so what's the point in seeing him again?  I tend to see things in extremes, all or nothing.  Luckily this week's Matchmaker, Chelsea, is Polyamorous ("having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved") and has been my Poly Consult when I'm wondering, "How do people do this??"  She sees Polyamory as an orientation more than a lifestyle, and I've often admired the time and energy she puts into her relationships.  It's been so long since I've been in a committed relationship that just one relationship seems daunting, much less multiple romantic relationships at one time.

After the last blog post, a friend recommended I read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.  I happened to be in a bookstore so I picked up a copy and skimmed it.  Although I think there's probably a lot of helpful insights in it, I found it problematic to assume that all men act the same way and all women act the same way.  Largely because there were many of the Martian (male) ways of acting that I related to, in addition to the Venusian (female) ways of acting.  Most notably, the Men Are Like Rubber Bands theory: men have an intimacy cycle that functions like a rubber band, they pull away from their partners to re-establish independence and then spring back.  Well, sometimes I feel like a rubber ball: the more I'm pulled toward someone at high velocity, the more I'm also propelled away at high velocity.  But it's something I'm working on.  There are also articles like Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth that might be more helpful for me right now than gender difference theories.

I know communication is key, and B#9 and I have already talked about most of this.  On our second date in fact, because what better way to start a second date than a discussion about boundaries?  (At least we had wine with that conversation.)  Remember I said he's really emotionally mature?  He didn't get weird, we had a good discussion about it and he thanked me for bringing it up.  Whoa.  

Until last year or so, I avoided any discussion about boundaries, expectations, or "What Does This Mean" like the plague.  I'm the Chill Girl, who needs labels?  Just the word "relationship" still makes my stomach hurt sometimes.  So as much as I may at times freak out about B#9's open relationship, if he was not in an open relationship would I be cool, calm and collected?  I think not.  There's a mindfulness saying about Life Is A Teacher, and life is giving me a crash course on attachment, relationships, and communication.  I'm just trying not to flunk.

So B#9 and I have planned date #3, which will be the first 3rd date of the experiment and the first 3rd date I've been on in over a year.  Whoa.  Rubber ball of my heart, be still.