Week 6: Tequila, Zombies, and Being High Maintenance

*This entry is rated PG-13 for some NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) language*

Matchmaker Week 6 started out with margaritas, a lot of honesty and laughter.  My friend Chelsea is the Matchmaker for this week, and she is like a sister to me.  We grew up together and one of the things I love about Chelsea is that she tells it like it is.  She calls me on my bullshit, and I know it's out of love.  I appreciate that my friends keep me honest with myself!

As we started talking about the experiment, we got to one of the things I hadn't been talking about at all in the blog, an elephant in the room: Attraction.

Physical attraction is a really important part of dating for me, so it may seem unusual that I wasn't talking about it.  The truth is that I haven't been attracted to most of the Bachelors, and I felt bad writing about not being attracted to them when I knew they could read the blog.  And there were always enough other aspects of compatibility that I could discuss so it seemed unnecessary to write, "He was really nice but I wasn't physically attracted to him so I would never date him."  I am, in the blog and life in general, trying not to be an asshole.  I don't need to date a male model (in fact, sometimes I find really attractive guys intimidating) but I want to date a guy that I like looking at and want to swap saliva with.  Is that too much for a girl to ask?  (No, it's not.)  So Chelsea wanted to figure out what I am attracted to and how we can convey that in a profile.

I realized that Chelsea had a very different outlook on OkCupid, and thus what a profile should be like, than last week's Matchmaker, my brother Greg.  Whereas Greg wanted to emphasize romance, vulnerability, and include as much detail as possible, Chelsea feels that it's better to keep a dating profile short and sassy.  We took out a lot of the details and added some sass, like "My friend Chelsea is the Matchmaker this week, so impress us both."  This is usually not at all what my dating profiles are like, and that's a really interesting part of the experiment!  My profile usually isn't as romantic/vulnerable as what Greg and I wrote either, and it's interesting to see who responds to different profiles and how they respond.

And it touches on another purpose of the experiment: looking at my usual approach to dating and why it doesn't yield the results I want.  In this case, it's that I tend to be the Chill Girl: I go with the flow, try to be as low-maintenance and easy-going as possible.  This means that a) I have a lot of great guy friends, and b) I get Friend Zoned a lot.  Some guys like the Chill Girl (one ex thought it was hot that I own my own drill), but a lot of guys don't want to date a girl who is one of the guys.  I love my guy friends, and believe that it's really great for guys and girls to have platonic friendships because it helps to see the other gender's perspective.  But I also at times have gotten sick of hearing from guys I'm interested in, "You're a cool girl, but..."

Part of Chelsea's dating philosophy is that if you really clearly express what you want/need, it's easier for someone else to fulfill that want/need.  I think there's a lot of validity in that, but where is the line between being clear about your wants/needs, and being demanding or (the dreaded) high-maintenance?

I've started reading different dating blogs lately, and I read an article called Why You Need to Start Being More High Maintenance on a blog called Matching Up, written by two Beverly Hills Matchmakers (not my standard reading material, and thus fascinating).  This article was saying that as women who are taught to be fit, beautiful, with great careers and exciting lives, "we are taught to be high maintenance with our lives," but being high-maintenance in relationships is vilified.  She goes on to say that it's important to have standards, be clear about expectations, and "If you are low maintenance, you will be treated as such." oof. But I see what she means. If I act like one of the guys, I'm likely to be treated as one of the guys. And she says that guys take cues from how a girl treats herself, and how she allows others to treat her. Part of having standards is feeling like you have a lot to offer someone and it's worth their time and effort to treat you well.

I'm not hoping that anyone calls me "High Maintenance" any time soon, but I do see that my Chill Girl ways often meant that my relationships were always on the guy's terms.  It's good for me to be more empowered in my relationships, to feel that I have a say in what my relationships look like and how I am treated (aka Boundaries).  I've found a key distinction between Boundaries and Being Guarded is communication, being clear with yourself and others about where your boundaries are.  Maybe that's a difference between Having Standards and Being High Maintenance: being able to communicate your expectations in a calm, clear way vs. expecting someone to read your mind or throwing a fit if someone doesn't meet your expectations.  Definitely food for thought.

Another way that Chelsea's Matchmaker week has pushed my comfort zone: she wanted new photos.  Specifically ones that show me smiling with teeth (I hadn't realized that all of my photos had closed-mouth smiles) and that show off my body a bit more.  Don't worry, Mom, nothing scandalous- but the photos on the profile were all pretty conservative.  And with the previously discussed Marketing of Online Dating: if you've got it, flaunt it (tastefully).

As often happens when I push my comfort zone, some weird/gross narratives pop up like zombies from shallow graves.  In this case, narratives like: "You can be hot OR smart, not both," or "If you show off your body, people won't respect you."  Which when it boils down to it, is the same as "She was asking for it," or the recent banning of yoga pants in schools because they are "too distracting."  The message is that women are responsible for however other people respond to their bodies and clothing.  If a guy says or does something that you don't like it was really your fault, he couldn't help himself.  This narrative is harmful to men and women.  It makes a woman's sexuality scary and dangerous, where women can't take agency or enjoyment from their own bodies, and men are "helpless" and have no control over their actions.  No one wins.  I don't consciously ascribe to these beliefs, and it's frustrating sometimes to find them buried in my subconscious.

But it's also not entirely surprising, because these narratives are embedded in our culture and my own life.  I remember being 12 years old and feeling like I had to pick between being a "pretty girl" or a "smart girl."  I was a bookish, slightly chubby brunette in a beach town where the standard of beauty was blonde and thin.  So I chose "smart girl," and when that baby fat turned into curves I generally tried to hide my body so no one would "think less of me."  For many years it was hard for me to understand that anyone even could be physically attracted to me.  And though I've made progress on my body issues, I'm definitely still working on it.  In order to take the pictures Chelsea was asking for, I felt I needed some liquid courage (tequila).  But I did take them, and I'm actually rather proud of them.  To push myself toward being pretty, feminine, playful, and even dare I say sexy, is definitely good growth for me.  And I definitely appreciate Chelsea for giving me a loving shove in that direction.

I'm also optimistic that as a society we are becoming more aware of the messages we're sending to young women and men about sex, bodies, and responsibility.  An article titled "Instead of Banning Yoga Pants, Schools Should Crack Down on Harassment" includes examples of female students posting signs around their schools protesting the dress codes.  My middle school banned spaghetti strap tank tops and I never thought of fighting it, much less with a sign that includes the statement, "I'm a fifteen year old girl.  If you are sexualizing me, YOU are the problem."  Fuck yeah, girl.  And articles like Yes, You Can Be a Gentleman and Have Great Sex (and the Good Men Project in general) show that men are also ready for these attitudes to change.  I encourage everyone to be conscious of the way we talk about people's bodies and sexuality, both other people's and your own.
And when those gross zombie narratives come up, don't be afraid to go all Shaun of the Dead.

An OkCupid Message That Makes Me Want To Hulk Smash

I try to be a kind person, both in the metta sense and a general daily Golden Rule kind of way.
But sometimes, someone or something really bothers me, gets my goat, and ya know, makes me want to Hulk Smash...

We've had the new profile up for a few days, and I've noticed that we're getting different types of messages than we've seen in the experiment so far.  There are more clever messages, a few messages say "you seem like an interesting person," "a sweetheart," or "down to earth."  But there's also a few NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) messages, which we hadn't gotten before (even during Tracy's week).  All of it is interesting in the Marketing of Dating conversation, and eventually I may pull keyword data from each week.

But there's one message that really stood out.  The sender is 42 years old (the age range we set: 25-38) and the message is about 10 paragraphs long (584 words, 2,462 characters without spaces).  It starts like this:

"So you candor on your profile makes me worry that you are not really looking for a relationship or love, but for fodder for your stand up, blog, short films, what-have-you."

*(please note the typo ("So you candor"), it comes into play later)

I won't focus on one message often, but this was a great example of a type of guy I don't want to date and I can tell from the first sentence of his message.  I don't know what particular candor he is referencing, perhaps the description of the dating experiment at the beginning of the profile.  Regardless, if my candor in a dating profile is a problem, then you won't like me in real life.  You know how often people say, "Gee I wish people were less honest in their online dating profiles"?  Basically never.  I try to be a very honest person (honesty with tact, specifically) and I do not apologize for it.  Also, I am a writer/creative person/artist.  Everything is material.  I have a writer's brain that is always looking for funny and weird things, and then trying to figure out the funniest ways to write about it.  I know that may be strange to some people, but anyone who spends a lot of time around me should know that and the best ones embrace it.  

But this guy seems to say that because I'm so honest, he doubts my integrity.  And those are fighting words.  My integrity is very important to me, which is why all the details about the experiment are in the OkC profile (including the url for the blog), and I try to write about everyone involved in the experiment in the most fair way I can.  I ask permission from my family and friends before sharing their stories, and on the dates talk to the Bachelors about the blog.  I don't want anyone to feel misled or tricked.  This is not a cheesy Romcom and I'm not dating anyone because of a bet.  I'm trying to learn more about what kind of guys I'm compatible with, and get insights and wisdom from my friends and family about what kind of guys they think would be best for me.  If I meet my next boyfriend or my future husband through the experiment, great!  If I just meet new cool guys and learn things, that's great too!  If I can entertain others, and maybe make them think a bit, that's also excellent. 

Anyways, back to Mr. Anti-Candor.  He continues, "In terms of dating different guys. Here is my philosophy (which I touch on in my profile)."  And then he proceeds to Mansplain some things, make a bunch of assumptions about my taste in men, the type of guys I've dated in the past, and the type of guys my friends date (and all of his assumptions are incorrect and at times insulting).  He says, "So you want to think outside the box - don't go out with any white guys." (spoiler alert: he's not white.)  But wait, it gets better!  In his own words, he's "an intellectual elitist" and "I only am interested in women who are insanely smart and went to a top notch school."  (Remember the typo in the first sentence?  Color me unimpressed.)  In case I hadn't gotten his disdain for all womankind yet he includes "Sadly, based on the list of 'People's Sexiest Men Alive' women do not have the same standards" (right...because all men/society share his views on brainy women, which is why female rocket scientists are regarded as the most desirable women in the world.  OH WAIT.)

He ends his diatribe/OkCupid message by writing:

"So all I care about is where you went to college."

And commence Hulk Mode.  I could never date a guy who only cares about where I went to college, I couldn't even be friends with someone who only cares where I went to college.  I did go to a very good university, I even went to two good universities, but where I went to college does not define me.  And I would never discriminate against others based on where they went to school.  I'm less interested in what college a guy went to or what degree he got, I care more about whether he's constantly trying to learn about the world around him, if he's passionate about the work he does, if he's a caring and kind person who I am compatible with emotionally and intellectually.  I'm looking for a guy who likes that I have a brain, but also likes that I make him laugh, enjoys my zany stories, and might even find it endearing when I get overwhelmed and interrupt myself without finishing the previous thought.  

I like smart people, but to me smart isn't about a piece of paper from a university or an IQ number.  And I really don't like people who use "being smart" as a weapon.  The Know-It-Alls, the people who are always trying to prove how smart they are (or how dumb other people are), I find exhausting.  I prefer life-long learners, the intellectually curious people who explore.  And that's part of why I'm doing this experiment, because I'm hoping to find guys who say, "Hey that sounds interesting," "Why not?" and "That's something new and different, I'm in."  Not someone who needs to see my resume before they know if they want to date me or not.

I know that part of why intellectual snobbery drives me crazy is that I have been very guilty of it in the past.  I tested into GATE (Gifted And Talented Education) classes in 1st Grade (age 6), I graduated from high school and college with honors, i.e. I've been told that I'm smart for as long as I can remember.  I used to think that Being Smart and Being Right were some of the most important things in life.  It was only while traveling during a break from college that I realized that sometimes I was Being An Asshole because I prioritized Being Right over Being Kind.  That brought about a paradigm shift for me, in which I realized how important it is to be kind.  I realized how hurtful I could be to people I cared about because I so focused on Being Right.  Being Kind doesn't mean I never correct anyone's spelling, grammar, or word choice, but I try to keep it to a) people I know, not strangers, b) if it's WAY off, not just a little, c) in a kind, gentle way ("I usually hear that word used as..." instead of, "Ugh, that word actually means...") and d) often only after asking ("Do you want feedback on what you wrote?").  Also key are being able to admit I'm wrong, and (gasp) when there's something I don't know.  And then I usually look it up because I'm curious.  :)

And yes, pointing out Mr. Anti-Candor's grammatical error was not the kindest thing to do, so Hulk says she's sorry and she has to go find some new pants (Hulk yoga pants?).