Out of the Wild - Part 1

I’m about to turn 30 years old, and I’ve been thinking a lot about Chris McCandless. 

The story of Chris McCandless and Into the Wild (the book and the film) have woven through my life for many years. 

In 1990, Chris graduated from Emory University.  He was born in California and raised in Virginia.  After graduating, Chris gave his savings to charity and started backpacking and hitchhiking around the US.  In April 1992 he hitchhiked to Alaska and backpacked into the Alaskan bush to try to live off the land.  In August 1992 he starved to death in the Magic Bus he was living in (toxic plants he ate may have contributed to his death).  He was 24 years old.

In 1996, Jon Krakauer wrote Into the Wild about Chris’s journey, and it became a national bestseller.  In 2007 the film Into the Wild was released, written and directed by Sean Penn, starring Emile Hirsch. 

In 2007, I took a year off from college and spent six months backpacking around Europe solo, sometimes staying with and traveling with friends.  I saw the film Into the Wild for the first time around 2008, and Chris McCandless reminded me a bit of myself, but more of my high school boyfriend.  I’d caught his attention because I’d read Jack Kerouac, he caught my attention because he was reading Sartre for fun.  He was an outdoorsman and (along with the tumult of young love) tapped into my sense of adventure.  We traveled to Alaska together one year for spring break, stayed in a hostel, slept in a park one night, and Alaska is still the only place I’ve hitchhiked.  We were long broken up by 2008, but I pined for years.  Seeing a character that reminded me of him dying alone in a bus in the Alaskan bush made me cry buckets.  

The second time I saw the film was in 2010, a lot had changed in just a few years.  I went to film school and graduated, and was in the midst of what I now call my Vagabond Years as I bounced around the country and worked on farms.  My ex was married and having kids.  I watched the movie on a laptop in the yurt I lived in, in a field with two llamas, part of an Intentional Community at an abandoned lumber mill that was often described as post-apocalyptic.  I realized that now I was the Chris McCandless of this story, and that was exciting and terrifying.  I had sought adventure and found it, but Chris’s story was a cautionary tale for me.  Dying alone in a bus in Alaska was not on my To Do list.  I did date two different guys who lived in busses (different busses, in different states!) around that time, but that’s a story for another time. 

In 2011 I was living in rural Montana as part of AmeriCorps, building a garden at a middle school in a town of 500 people.  I picked up a copy of Krakauer’s Into the Wild and read it as I meandered back to California, stopping in Yellowstone, camping an Intentional Community, and Couchsurfing.  I was 25, and in Part 2 of a 2-Part Quarter-Life Crisis.  While in Montana I realized that I needed to move back to LA and really give my career as a filmmaker a shot.  I’d been vagabonding around the country for three years following graduation, and it was bittersweet to know that chapter was coming to an end. 

As I read Into the Wild it stood out to me that as McCandless is dying in the bus, after working so hard to escape society, he realizes that connection with other people is what matters in life.  In a copy of Doctor Zhivago found with him in the bus he had written, “HAPPINESS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED.”  I vowed to not be as stubborn as Chris McCandless, for it to not take starving in a bus in Alaska to teach me that connection with other people helps bring meaning to our lives.  For three years my challenge had been to push out of my comfort zone, to see how minimal my life could be.  My new challenge was to learn to stay in one place and let people into my life, to share my adventures. 

(Continued in Part 2) 

To Ghost or Not To Ghost (A Millennial Question)

I’m fascinated by language and how it evolves, especially when we feel the need to create a new word. Sometimes I see clear connections between events and the words they create: cameras on cell phones became the norm, making it easier to take/share self-portraits, and self-portraits became “selfies.” Self-portraits are nothing new, but when we started talking about them more frequently, we created a new (shorter) word.  But there are other additions to our language that are more puzzling to me. Was there an increase in older women dating younger men that prompted us to create the term “cougar”?  How did “Netflix and chill” become code for “Let’s hook up”?

And why did “ghosting” become a thing? If you’re not familiar with the term, “ghosting” is when someone suddenly disappears from a relationship. One day you’re dating/involved with someone, and the next they don’t respond to texts, phone calls, etc.  This isn't a new phenomenon, but I think in the past it was just called “rude.”  However, when I recently posted on Facebook about how I think ghosting is rude, I was surprised to find many people were pro-ghosting.

I get why people want to ghost.  To start 2016 off with a Clean Slate I had to have several breakup conversations and we all hate those conversations, right?  Also, there are so many gray areas of dating, and it can be tough to tell what level involvement requires what level of breakup conversation.  But being the person who is ghosted on can range from awkward to heartbreaking.  If it's someone you went on a mediocre first date with, meh.  But if you've been exclusively dating for months, WTF.  

I tried to ghost a guy I met on New Years Eve this year, and couldn't do it.  He was texting me and I felt bad not responding at all, so I texted him something along the lines of "Let's just leave it at New Years" and he was cool about it.  And honestly, I felt so much better being upfront about it.

Part of what's so strange about ghosting is that it can be hard to tell if the person is ghosting or not.  If someone doesn't respond to one text, is that ghosting?  Or if you make vague plans but never solid plans?  And I realized that ghosting leaves a lot of room to assume the worst, either about the other person ("He/she never meant anything they said") or yourself ("*insert insecurity* is totally why he/she isn't texting me").  To anyone who ghosts, if you need incentive not to ghost, just assume that if you ghost the other person will think you're an asshole.  If you want them to think you're an asshole, then ghost away I suppose.

I'm currently in one of those "Is he ghosting...?" situations, which I don't have much patience for.  Part of what's been strange to me is that I worked with this guy a while back (not Boyfriend, he's history) so we actually know each other as people/have mutual friends/might have to work together again at some point, so ghosting seems extra awkward.  Also, he gave me his number (without me asking) and said, "Hit me up."  Why would someone do that if they don't actually want the person to contact them?  *reaction* 

The more I've dated, the more I value honesty and clarity.  Really, the more I've lived and interacted with human beings, the more I value honesty and clarity.  I like people who mean what they say and say what they mean.  I know this is easier said than done, I struggle with it myself.  I'm not dishonest but I have a hard time expressing what I want, especially in relationships.  But I'm working on it!  

Real talk: there are 2 exes that I don't respond to calls/texts from because they were abusive/are mentally unstable, and I stand by the decision to cut them out of my life.  I didn't ghost them, I had conversations to end the relationships.  If someone is threatening, abusive, or anything like that, abso-fucking-lutely tell them never to contact you again and cut them off.  But if you're not feeling the chemistry, or are too busy to do anything other than work and sleep, or whatever reason there may be, in my opinion be a grownup and just let the person know.  Don't be an asshole but don't be a ghost, or you know who I'm gonna call??

Flirting and Other Fine Arts - Part 1

I used to think I didn't know how to flirt (not that I'd say I'm an expert now) but I had an "A-Ha!" moment a few years ago:

I was at my hometown bar with friends and I was chatting with The Hot Bartender.  We were friendly and would chat whenever I came in.  I walked back to my friends and one said, "Wow, you were doing really well with him!  He's totally flirting with you!" and I was like, "What???  We were just talking!!"  That was when I realized, flirting is really just talking.  I'd thought I needed a line or a move, but flirting is just... talking.  With intention.  And a casual arm touch doesn't hurt.  

I've been thinking a lot about flirting lately.  What makes flirting flirting?  I've been working on set and in the film industry a lot of people flirt but it doesn't really mean anything.  I call it Work Flirting, like working in the service industry, you have to interact with a lot of people and it's a fuzzy line between being friendly and flirty.  One guy freely admitted that it was just a way to pass the time and if I called his bluff he would back down.  Honestly, Work Flirting that I know is Work Flirting is fine by me, it can be a fun break in long stressful days.

But how do you tell if someone is Work Flirting or Real Flirting?  Unfortunately, it's easier for me to Work Flirt (with guys I'm not actually interested in) than Real Flirt (with guys I'm actually interested in).  There was a guy on this job my friends started calling my Boyfriend, who I actually genuinely like, and I would get SO NERVOUS talking to him.  It felt like being a teenager again, we would find any stupid reason to talk to each other (we had basically no work reason to talk) and while we're talking in my head I'd be shouting at myself "SAY SOMETHING INTERESTING!!" but sometimes we'd just stand there smiling at each other like idiots.

Why are there some guys that I can't help but flirt with (either Work Flirting or Real Flirting) and other guys that I'm so nervous around that I'm nearly incapacitated?  I couldn't be friends with Sugar Ray Guy and B#9 was because we kept flirting with each other, even when we were trying to just be friends.  With both of them I found conversation pretty easy from the beginning, but there was alcohol involved and that can definitely help.  There was also more pressure at work, I only had a few instances each day to talk to him (our paths didn't cross often) whereas with SRG or B#9 we were hanging out one-on-one.  If I got to know Boyfriend (sorry/not sorry, the nickname stuck) better, would I be less nervous around him?

(Continued in Part 2)

Flirting and Other Fine Arts - Part 2

(Continued from Part 1)

The intense nervousness is sort of adorable, but also frustrating.  At the start of his last day Boyfriend told me that he was leaving and why.  My friend had been pointing out for weeks how he was telling me personal information that he wasn't telling other people (you don't discuss anything meaningful/personal in Work Flirting, in my book).  On my 30 Before 30 List is "Ask a guy out on a date," and it seemed like a good opportunity.  At the end of our conversation, as we're walking away from each other (but were still facing each other, I don't remember why) I said, "We should get drinks!"  He gave me an inscrutable eyebrow raise, and I kept walking away because the only thing in my brain was, "OMG OMG OMG."  We were both very busy that day, and though he held direct eye contact with me whenever we would see each other, we didn't talk again until the end of the night.  He gave me a hug, said it was great to meet me and he'd see me on the next one.  I probably said something like, "Yeah, you too," but I don't remember because my thoughts = "WHAT?????"

I've had a few days off and spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to understand what had happened.  Was he just Work Flirting with me?  But then why did he tell me so much personal stuff?  And why did he seek me out so often?  Work Flirting is casual, usually with people you have to interact with often for work, but he and I didn't have to interact for our jobs.  But if he was Real Flirting with me, then why didn't he say something about getting drinks??  And unfortunately, my brain's normal response is that I messed it up somehow so I was replaying everything trying to figure out what I did wrong.  Ugh.  My friends said everything from, "He probably didn't mean to be flirting with you," to "Maybe he's out of practice dating, you should text him!"  I tried to stop thinking about it by throwing myself into work and then drinking.  My therapist said I needed to deal with it (not just try to work or drink my way out of my feelings).  Yeah.  So I journaled, painted, and gave myself time to think.

And then he texted me today.  Out of the blue, seemingly just to say hi.  It made me excited and happy, but also really really really really nervous.  Again.

Why am I sharing this?  I would love to hear that other people also get super nervous around people they like, and if anyone has ways that they deal with it (other than running away).  Also, I think it's funny when weird/awkward things happen to me, and sharing it makes me feel better.  In movies/tv/etc. we see guys getting very nervous around women but less often women getting very nervous around men (or those women are written as socially inept in general).  If anyone thinks that only guys get nervous around people they like, *ahem* women sometimes do too!

I'm also sharing because turned on myself like a Mean Girl, and it's something I'm working on.  I see it in how I write/talk about it, the amount of times I use words like "dumb" and "idiot."  I like to stay cool, calm and collected, and when there's someone I can't keep my cool around, I freak out even more.  People have always told me I'm hard on myself, I used to think it was a compliment, but I'm trying to be kinder to myself.  To the other perfectionists/overthinkers out there, I get you.  Give yourself a break.

There's a lyric from "Spiralling" by Keane: "When we fall in love/ We're just falling/ In love with ourselves."  I think the song as a whole is about how love can be narcissistic, but that lyric has always fascinated me.  When I fall in love, I'm not falling in love with myself, I'm looking for whatever parts of myself I need to hide or kill off in order for the person to like me.  I'm trying to hide the skeletons in my closet and/or choreographing their entrances. I think this is common to some extent, but recently it's concerned me. I'm looking for a way that falling in love can be falling in love with myself too, instead of tearing myself to pieces.  I know that it can be attractive when people are authentically themselves, but as Brene Brown says, "Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you."   Change isn't easy, but I think it's worth it.

Clean Slate 2016

Over the past year, people have talked to me about “making space.”  Was I making space for someone new?  Was my friendship with Bachelor #9 allowing space for the relationship I’m looking for?  Though I hoped I was making/allowing space, but how do you know? 

The New Year provided some inspiration and perspective.  I decided I wanted to start 2016 with a clean slate, which translated to initiating 3 different breakup conversations in December.  One was with the guy I mentioned in Five Things I Learned in 2015, who I had a “What Are We” conversation with that was interrupted by a Sugar Ray song.  He'd said he just wanted to be friends, but it was confusing because we flirted with each other a lot and kind of acted like we were in a relationship.  At the end of our “I Can’t Do This Anymore” conversation, in which he had been saying that he didn’t mean to be flirting with me, he said “I love you.”  

  

Though it was a frustrating situation and at times made me feel CRAZY, it helped in the long run because I could clearly see that he was saying one thing but doing another.  And my friends pointed out that that's exactly what Bachelor #9 had also been doing, and why I had a tough time being friends with him.  In Five Things I Learned in 2015 I wrote that I wasn't waiting for B#9 to get in contact with me and was all:

But I realized that wasn't entirely true.  I was trying to move on and date, but I was also trying to keep myself emotionally prepared so whenever he did reappear I wouldn't be completely destroyed.  It was like walking around every day waiting for someone to pop out and shout BOO! and punch you in the heart.  I felt powerless.  A major topic in our last conversation (in July) had been, "How can we be in each other's lives and not drive each other crazy?" and it seemed like his answer was for us to not be in each other's lives.  But he still had the option to pop into my life and I didn't have the option to pop into his, and that seemed unfair to me.  I would've liked to have a conversation about it, but I didn't think that was an option.  He had 5 months of space.  It's awful to be in love with someone who isn't going to pick you, but it won't get better the longer you wait.  On New Year's Eve I realized that I didn't want to drag that mess into 2016 with me.  I was trying to start off with a clean slate, and having the situation with B#9 unresolved was interfering.  Looking back I guess I could've tried to have more of a conversation with him about it, but after 5 months of him being MIA I figured the only option was to text him.  I sent him a long text that started off, "It's been 5 months and I'm tired of waiting for you to break my heart again when your schedule permits."  ^^This is what happens when you break a writer's heart.  He replied with a short text that said he never meant to hurt me, but it felt sort of cold.  It didn't make me feel better about all that had happened.  The year we'd spent trying to figure out how to be in each other's lives.  The 5 months I'd been waiting for him to reappear.  All the times I told myself that he would never disappear, because he'd said he never would.  Maybe he didn't mean to hurt me, but at some point I think he had to know that he was hurting me and it hurt even more that he couldn't take responsibility for his actions.  I listened to the Tame Impala's album Currents a LOT in 2015, and there's a line in the song "Eventually" that seemed fitting: "I know I always said that I could never hurt you/ Well this is the very, very last time I'm ever going to." I also got rid of the things in my apartment that were connected to the exes of 2015: notes I'd written of things I wanted to talk to B#9 about, a necklace from the night I met Sugar Ray guy, records that another ex gave me.  I still miss B#9 and Sugar Ray guy, but I'm trying to give it time.  I've been working a lot, and that helps in some ways, but also doesn't leave time for dating.  As I'm clearing space I'm also aware that my tendency is to fill that space in my life with whoever comes along, and I'm trying hold that space for someone who will be a healthy part of my life, whose words and actions line up, who is able to offer what I'm looking for (and vice versa).  Recently I was missing Sugar Ray guy and looked through old texts to remind myself of how confusing that situation was, so I wouldn't get myself back into it.  I saw a text about that night when we had the What Are We conversation in the bar, and he'd really wanted to put a song on the jukebox.  I'd later asked about what song it was and he sent me the video:


It's a cover of an 80's song, and the chorus is: "I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say/ I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be/ But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me, I promise, I promise you I will..."
And I remembered how confusing it was.  So I didn't text him.  Thanks, Sugar Ray guy.

Too Busy To Date?

As I'm writing this it's already after midnight, technically very early Monday morning.  In approximately fourteen hours I will likely be a human stress knot because that's when we launch crowdfunding for my film, The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide.  I started writing the script in 2009 and this is the first time we're presenting it to the public.  It is REALLY exciting and terrifying.  I think it's like sending your kid off to school for the first time, or maybe like finding out you're pregnant?  I remember getting a pregnancy announcement in the mail from a friend and briefly feeling like, "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??" and then realizing that this film is my first child and requires time, money, energy, commitment, and tender loving care just like a baby.  And luckily I have a group of people who are helping to bring this film to life.

EDIT: We successfully launched our crowdfunding campaign!  Check it out: www.seedandspark.com/studio/average-girls-guide-suicide

Perhaps like a worried parent, I stay up late working most nights and wake hours before my alarm thinking about things I need to do and writing emails in my head.  I'm working on mindfulness and meditation.  I'm also working on eating before I'm so famished my brain stops functioning (there's just so much to do).  I'm not complaining, this the life that I've chosen and honestly this is living the dream.  I'm pouring my heart and soul into a project that is incredibly dear to me, and I get to work with people I adore.  But it's also incredibly intense, all-consuming, and most days I'm just trying to survive.

So it doesn't leave much time or energy for dating.

Is being "too busy to date" legitimate or just an excuse?  I miss being in a relationship, but first dates require a whole different level of energy.  I don't necessarily feel like I have my best foot forward when I'm in survival mode.

I actually went on my first date since November recently.  I'd been using the dating app Hinge for months and would match with guys but none ever sent me a message.  When a guy finally did send me a message, a few weeks ago, I was quite surprised!  He asked me out for a drink, and I figured "Why not?"  But as I headed to the date, having not eaten dinner (I'd had a late lunch) and rather preoccupied by work, I wasn't feeling like I was in the right mindset for a date.  It was also my first non-Post-Modern-Matchmaker date in a while (so I won't write about it in detail, and he doesn't get a Bachelor number) and it was interesting to remember what it's like to go on a date with a guy who hasn't read the blog.  I realized that the blog sometimes could add pressure to a first date (for me to live up to expectations set by the blog, or for a guy to meet expectations he perceived in the blog) but it also is sort of a window into my brain and that can be helpful to both parties.

During the date I asked if he'd read the article on Order Muppets and Chaos Muppets.  He hadn't, and I explained that the idea is that people are like Order Muppets (like Kermit the Frog) or Chaos Muppets (like Animal or Gonzo).  He immediately said that he was a Chaos Muppet, then said he was a bit of both but probably mostly a Chaos Muppet.  He'd already told me that he had no filter and is an adrenaline junkie, although he's also an engineer, so that seemed like a fair evaluation.  I'm definitely a Chaos and Order mix.  After college I had a few Chaos Muppet years where I bounced around the country (I usually call them The Vagabond Years).  When I moved back to LA I had a few Order Muppet years as a Personal Assistant, Executive Assistant, and sometimes Assistant Director (the Order Muppet of a film set).  And now I'm trying to find a balance.  I like having routine, but I need some flexibility in my routine.

An interesting part of the Order Muppet/Chaos Muppet theory is that apparently opposites attract, usually couples are one Order Muppet and one Chaos Muppet.  I can see that I've dated both Chaos Muppets and Order Muppets, and each bring out the opposite in me.  I've mostly dated Chaos Muppets (e.g. guys who lived in buses) so I usually end up being the Order Muppet in the relationship.  Bachelor #9 is definitely an Order Muppet, and it felt sort of weird to be the Chaos Muppet in a relationship.  And maybe because he was SUCH an Order Muppet, I felt like SUCH a Chaos Muppet.  It seems like lately I've been drawn to Chaos Muppets again, but that seems like a bad idea.  Remember what my daily life is like?  And months ago when I realized that I want to date guys who are kind and nurturing?  I don't think those are usually Chaos Muppets.  I don't need anyone who brings more chaos into my life.  I'm dangerously close to getting involved with a particular Total Chaos Muppet I know, but my brain keeps saying, "Oh no, that will.not.end.well."  So the Order Muppet side is telling the Chaos Muppet side to be quiet, try to behave.

In related news, Bachelor #9 seems to be Nick Miller Awkward Moon Walking out of my life, which is less endearing in reality and also oddly sort of what I expect from an Order Muppet vs. Chaos Muppet situation like this.  (Side note: Nick Miller & Jessica Day are an excellent example of a Chaos Muppet/Order Muppet relationship.  Nick Miller is such a Chaos Muppet!  And Jess was the Chaos Muppet in other relationships, but had to be an Order Muppet in their relationship.  /NewGirlRant)  There also is a possibility that since I expect an Order Muppet to Awkward Moon Walk out of my life, that I might interpret a little shuffling as Awkward Moon Walking out of my life.  Because in some ways it's easier to say he is Just Like All The Rest and I Never Should Have Even Tried, but I'm trying not to put all the Sins of Past Exes onto current events.

On the OkCupid front, I did delete some messages from my inbox to make room for new messages...and immediately remembered why I'd let it fill up.  However, there was a message from a guy who seemed cute and interesting, so we traded a few messages.  I was getting tired of messaging on OkCupid so I not-so-subtly hinted that he should ask me out on a date.  I gave him my email address and said if he wanted to meet up sometime he should email me, and that I'm busy with crowdfunding but can make time for a drink.  He emailed me, but still has not asked me out.  I've found that being really busy makes me less patient, and in this case I'm just over it.  I'm not looking for a pen pal, Sorry/Not Sorry.  So the OkCupid inbox is now full again, and staying that way for a bit.

Anyways, it's getting quite late and I need to be a functional human being tomorrow.  So lastly, Chaos Muppet would like to share a horoscope with you.  I see astrology as food for thought, not gospel, and Rob Brezsny's Freewill Astrology is one of the few I read.  I think his writing is thought-provoking and I like that it's very positive.  I am a Gemini, and this week's horoscope was so spot on for me that I laughed out loud.  It's advice on how to love a Gemini so it seems appropriate to include here.  Take as seriously or humorously as you like, and apply to Geminis and non-Geminis as you feel fitting.

"The anonymous blogger at Neurolove.me gives advice on how to love a Gemini: 'Don't get impatient with their distractibility. Always make time for great conversation. Be understanding when they're moody. Help them move past their insecurities, and tell them it's not their job to please everyone. Let them have space but never let them be lonely.' I endorse all that good counsel, and add this: 'To love Geminis, listen to them attentively, and with expansive flexibility. Don't try to force them to be consistent; encourage them to experiment at uniting their sometimes conflicting urges. As best as you can, express appreciation not just for the parts of them that are easy to love but also for the parts that are not yet ripe or charming.'"

As Kaypacha says, "Namaste, Aloha, So Much Love."

Part 2 of 2: The Brain, Being a Ferrari, and Letting It Go

At the end of Part 1 I was writing about my frustrations with being a calm, rational person in most areas of my life, but being *ahem* not so calm or rational when it comes to my love life (especially breakups).

I started to see this as the literally different parts of the brain (I studied Neuroscience a bit in college and find it fascinating), so I’m going to talk nerdy to you for a minute.  In the human brain the Neocortex is “involved in higher functions such as sensory perception, generation of motor commands, spatial reasoning, conscious thought and language.”  Let’s call this the Mammalian Brain, which I see as the part of my brain that understands reason and logic.

But buried underneath the Mammalian Brain we have the same parts of the brain as all other vertebrates: sections that control lower brain functions like heart rate, breathing, body temperature and balance. Let’s call this the Reptilian Brain, which I see this as the part of the brain that doesn’t give a fuck about reasons. It sees things as yes/no, fight/flight, kill/be killed, and there no space for the nuance of the Mammalian Brain.

(Disclaimer: The Mammalian Brain/Reptilian Brain division is a way that I had been explaining this dilemma to my friends, when I did more research I found that the terms are used in Paul MacLean’s model called the Triune Brain, which is criticized for being overly simplistic.  I recognize that the brain is ridiculously complex, and I think they’re useful terms in this context but this is not intended to be Neuroscience 101. If you’re interested in the intricate workings of the brain, there's lots of info online or find some Neuroscience textbooks.)

For much of the past few months my Mammalian Brain and my Reptilian Brain have been yelling at each other, and I’m working on how to get them to cooperate rather than fight. For example, my Mammalian Brain will say that there are lots of guys in LA and statistically speaking there must be straight, single, monogamous guys that I’m attracted to who are also attracted to me, and I just have to be patient. But my Reptilian Brain doesn’t understand statistics, anything theoretical, or patience, so it says, “Where are these guys? I don’t see them, they don’t exist!  You're definitely dying alone!” The Mammalian Brain replies with some logical, reasoned response, which the Reptilian Brain cares not a whit about.  And they go back and forth like this.  It's exhausting.  

In Episode 4 of the Love Hurts series in the Strangers podcast, Lea Thau interviews a guy, Joe, who had wanted to date her but the feeling wasn't mutual.  Part of the mismatch was that he’d developed emotional intimacy with her by listening to her podcast, but that didn't allow her to develop the same intimacy with him (which was interesting to me in the context of this blog).  She used to be concerned that talking about her personal life in the podcast could hurt her dating life, and Joe says that he thinks it will filter out the wrong people and the right guys will like her more for it.  Then he adds, “This isn’t for the faint of heart. You’re not for the faint of heart. You’re kind of like a Ferrari, this barely street legal car with license plates,” and Lea laughs at being compared to a Ferrari.  He adds that most people are looking for a Camry and “the fact that few people are compatible and want this does not make it an inferior thing.”  Oof.  For me, Joe hit the nail on the head. I've often wondered, “What’s wrong with me?” with regards to dating.  I've also often thought that I’m not for the faint of heart.  I don’t try to make things difficult, I’m not high maintenance, but my life just tends to be...complicated.   As Joe says, “It’s not that you’re crazy, I recognize that you’re fairly rational, but I just feel like there’s so much passion and intensity there. There’s just a huge amount of horsepower under the hood…”  Joe doesn't see this as a bad thing, it sounds like the passion and intensity is what he liked about Lea and the fact that few people are compatible makes it more special when someone is compatible.

I've dated guys who were too intense for me, but I've felt too intense for others.  When I’m getting to know someone, I’m usually holding back quite a bit until I feel like they can really handle it.  Joe calls Lea out on trying to turn down her horsepower because she’s worried that it will scare guys away, that she’s trying to pretend she’s a Camry instead of a Ferrari, when it’s better to just own it.  Honestly, one of the big things I miss about being with B#9 is that I didn't have to pretend to be a Camry.   I don’t think he totally understood the intensity, but he wasn't afraid of it and seemed in ways to enjoy it. I didn't feel like “Too Much.”  I believe it’s what they call Acceptance: people who like you exactly as you are, and aren't telling you (directly or indirectly) to think less, feel less, talk less or be less.  So Acceptance is something I'm moving up the priorities list in friends and potential romantic partners.

I recently saw the movie Frozen for the first time, and noticed themes of acceptance.  In both "Let It Go" and "For The First Time in Forever," Elsa sings, “Don't let them in, don't let them see/Be the good girl you always have to be/Conceal, don't feel.”  This resonated a lot with me, as with many people, which I think this is part of why Frozen is popular with adults as well as kids. In searching for the lyrics I found interpretations of Elsa as queer or anorexic and lots of different interpretations abound on the internet.  Many people hide who they really are for many different reasons, and can see themselves in Elsa.  Growing up I was told I was "too sensitive," so I tried to hide how much I felt (about everything).  I'm trying to Let It Go, take the gloves off and stop hiding, and it's a daily challenge.  Writing this, being really honest about the heartache and arguments in my brain, is even part of it.

There are theories that what we're attracted to in others shows the areas we need to heal with ourselves (a very hippie explanation of this).  I've been trying to be aware of this with B#9: I was so drawn to how kind and accepting he is, so I'm trying to be more kind and accepting to myself (and others).  Not trying to "be an island," but perhaps if I can be kind and nurturing to myself it can ease the grip that attachment has on me.  Or at least I'll be less of an asshole to myself.  

Lastly, a friend shared an excerpt about Heartbreak from David Whyte today, and I was quite moved by it.  It's quite long, but I'll share a few parts:

"Heartbreak is an indication of our sincerity: in a love relationship, in a life’s work, in trying to learn a musical instrument, in the attempt to shape a better more generous self. Heartbreak is the beautifully helpless side of love and affection and is just as much an essence and emblem of care as the spiritual athlete’s quick but abstract ability to let go. Heartbreak has its own way of inhabiting time and its own beautiful and trying patience in coming and going.

Heartbreak is how we mature; yet we use the word heartbreak as if it only occurs when things have gone wrong: an unrequited love, a shattered dream, a child lost before their time. Heartbreak, we hope, is something we hope we can avoid; something to guard against, a chasm to be carefully looked for and then walked around...

…If heartbreak is inevitable and inescapable, it might be asking us to look for it and make friends with it, to see it as our constant and instructive companion, and even perhaps, in the depth of its impact as well as in its hindsight, to see it as its own reward. Heartbreak asks us not to look for an alternative path, because there is no alternative path. It is a deeper introduction to what we love and have loved, an inescapable and often beautiful question, something or someone who has been with us all along, asking us to be ready for the last letting go."

F&@# Yes and Family Matchmaker Month!

I celebrated Thanksgiving with family, went to my 10 year high school reunion (which was actually really fun!), and caught up on Serial.  Now, I'm back! 

*Includes some NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) language*

We wrapped up Katt's Matchmaker week, and there are no new matches.  

There are a few contributing factors:

1) My head wasn't exactly in the game.  It was interesting to observe/remember how I handle breakups: I throw myself into my work.  While I know it's healthier than throwing myself at the next guy that comes along, it wasn't very conducive to a dating experiment.  I.e. I had zero interest in OkCupid.  Even without a breakup, I often feel OkCupid fatigue after a while- more on that later. 

2) The profile wasn't funny (and I'm a comedian).  A guy friend looked at the profile and said that it was telling, not showing.  Don't tell me you're good at making people laugh, show me that you're good at making people laugh!  My profile before the experiment had leaned too much on humor (sometimes absurdity) and it's been good to push myself to be more genuine in the profile.  But it should have some humor!

3) I'm adopting Mark Manson's Law of "Fuck Yes or No": Only getting involved with guys that I am really enthusiastic about getting involved with, and they share the enthusiasm for the relationship.  I've often felt more "Sure, Why Not" about guys I've gotten involved with than "Fuck Yes."  At the beginning of the experiment I was focused on dating different types of guys than I normally did, so I wanted to be open to all types of guys.  This has helped me learn a lot about what kind of guy I'm looking for, and I'm grateful to the Bachelors for what they've helped me learn.  But as I'm getting a better idea of who I want to date, I don't want to go on dates with guys that I know aren't a good match.  I don't want to waste my time, or their's!

There were some guys that sent nice messages this week, but no one was in the Fuck Yes category so there are no new matches.  There were also a lot of boring messages, maybe because the profile wasn't funny? 

Katt liked Mark Manson's Law of FY/N and also sent me his post about Love Is Not Enough.  While I don't necessarily agree with bashing John Lennon, I definitely agree that love doesn't make a relationship work.  It's an important piece of the puzzle, but only one piece.  I wish someone had told me this when I was 19 and in a very tumultuous relationship, although I probably wouldn't have listened!  Ah, "What Doesn't Kill You" or whatever.  

--------------

We started a new Matchmaker week month! 

I'd been planning for my parents to have a Matchmaker week, my mom had been the Matchmaker for Week 1 and wanted another shot at it, and I was curious to get their insights since they've been following the experiment and blog.  As Thanksgiving approached, I thought, "What about having a Family Matchmaker Week?"  My brother was also a Matchmaker (for Week 5) and if we all put our heads together on a profile it'd be like a Matchmaker Supergroup!

Thanksgiving weekend I sat down with my parents and brother to write An Awesome Profile, combining all I've learned from the experiment.  We tried to balance my city girl/farm girl interests, my passion for film and writing, my travel stories, that I'm looking for an honest and kind guy, my romantic side and serious side, oh yeah and make it funny.  It took a while.  

Luckily we can always make each other laugh, for example: while working on the "I spend a lot of time thinking about" section, the first thing my mom suggested was "Climate change," not remembering that it was the first thing she'd suggested when we wrote the profile in Week 1!  I laughed and said I didn't think it was best to put that as the first thing I think about a lot, but it did make the final cut (further down the list).  

It also reminded me how much nuance there is in writing a good online dating profile.  Often my parents would suggest something and my brother and I would basically say, "Yes that's true but you can't say it like that in a profile!"  It was important to my dad that we write about my solo travels because "that takes balls" (his words) and it would attract guys.  But "I like to travel" is an OkCupid cliche, so the challenge was not only to figure out what we wanted to convey but also interesting ways to say it.  

We looked at pictures on the profile, and again came to the conclusion that I need new pictures.  Ugh.  I prefer to be behind the camera, but I need to ask friends to help me take better pictures (including this to publicly hold myself accountable).  

We're changing the process slightly also: since I've realized how important physical attraction is, I'll be the first filter (instead of the Matchmakers).  If I don't find a guy attractive, I won't go on a date with him.  What a concept!

Why a month?  Remember the OkCupid fatigue I mentioned?  Lately on OkCupid I've felt like, "Haven't I seen everyone on here?"  So I want to mix it up.  This profile will be up for December and I'll also try other methods of meeting guys: speed dating, singles mixers, Grouper, asking friends to be wingmen/wingwomen, and hey friends/family, set me up with single guys you know! 

These other methods also have the bonus of community (not the show!).  The isolation of online dating is part of what gets to me.  The Matchmakers help, but applying the Law of Fuck Yes makes OkCupid a bit more bleak.  I wish I was attracted to every guy who sends a nice message, but that is not the case.  Recently I was looking at a guy's profile and he was cute! Tall! Monogamous!  I was optimistic until I read his profile.  He talked about seeing a UFO, doing DMT, and 9/11 being an inside job.  Ugh.  Those are the times that I feel like throwing in the towel.  Hopefully more involvement of my friends, even just laughing with me about the strangeness of dating, will help.  Good times or bad times are always better with friends!

Liebster Award, My Most Embarrassing Moment & More!

I've been nominated for a Liebster Award!  Yessica at The Push Up Bra gave me the kind nod, and I love her blog (can't wait for Part 2 of the story of Mr. Right Kind of Wrong!).  The Liebster Award is intended to help people discover new bloggers, and the rules for when you get nominated are:

1) Answer the questions sent to you
2) Nominate 11 bloggers
3) Ask them 11 questions thought of by yourself
4) Notify them that they have been nominated

First I'll answer the questions from Yessica:
1. What type of guy/girl are you attracted to?

This blog has been an exploration of that question!  I don't have one physical type, but one constant is tall dudes.  Fitness is important, not like six-pack abs but at least enjoys LA hiking.  I do like beardy dudes (and have been enjoying the blog Kissing Bearded Men), and I guess simply: tall, dark and handsome.  Creative, even if not professionally.  Kind, honest, easy-going.

2. What was your most embarrassing moment?

Uh, ever?  Probably in sixth grade, when a classmate found out who I had a crush on at lunch time and stood up at the lunch table and started shouting that information to the whole school.  I was mortified!  (My crush was in the same class as I was and was sitting just down the table from me.)  I was drinking a Capri Sun with my lunch, and started spraying the Capri Sun in the offending classmate's face until he stopped yelling.  I had to clean lunch tables, but it was totally worth it.

3. When and what was the last lie you told?

Hmm I try to lie as little as possible.  But at a party over the weekend, a girl I'd just met decided to show me a bunch of photos of the different colors her hair had been over the past few years (various shade of blonde and brunette).  I was about to tear my own hair out from boredom, but I think I told some lies about the photos being interesting.

4. What do you like best about yourself?

Buhhhh... that I'm very genuine and care for others.

5. What is your guilty pleasure?

Coconut Bliss ice cream, and watching The New Girl.

6. Is there anything you regret?

Hmmm.  I believe that everything teaches you something, so I have very few regrets.  There's have been a few times that I haven't respected my own boundaries/values and done things I regret, but I try to use those as lessons and reminders.

7. Do you believe in love?

Yup.

8. If you could have a wish come true right now, what would it be?

To get financing for my first feature film and a reliable way to pay my rent.

9. Would you get back to your ex if you had the choice?

Ugh, today I plead the 5th.  On principle, I don't move backwards in life.

10. Do you still remember your first kiss?

Yes.  Technically I think my first kiss was during a game of spin the bottle but I decided that didn't count.  The one that counted was at Disneyland I think.  We dated for a bit, we're still Facebook friends. 

11. Do you remember your first crush?

I apparently had a "boyfriend" in pre-school.  Does that count?

Bloggers I nominate:

@GweiloDiary

@DatingCityGirl

@TinderellaLA

@imkissingfrogs

@RobynWahlgast 

@SeattleSheHulk

@thedatingdept

@lvfromana

@goodguyswagger

@NoSexintheCity

@iquitdating

11 Questions to answer:

1. Why did you start your blog?

2. What's your writing process like?  Do you write posts in one sitting or revise and edit?

3. What is one thing (or person) you're grateful for?

4. When you were a teenager, did you have a teen idol crush? (If so, on who?)

5. Do you have a standard first date activity or do you mix it up?

6. What's the best date you've been on?

7. Do you believe that all is fair in love and war?

8. What's one thing you wish people you dated knew/understood?

9. What makes you really fall for someone?

10. Do you have a pickup line or strategy?

11. What are you most excited about in 2015?

Beginning, Middle, and End. (Two Dates and a Breakup)

Phew.  It's been a heck of a week.  I'm basically going to cram 6 blog posts into this one, so here goes:

1) We wrapped up Ariana's Matchmaker week.  During the week she'd asked me to respond to the incoming OkCupid messages, and picked two guys that I had been sending messages back and forth with.

Introducing:
Bachelor #14: 26 years old, a filmmaker (like myself).  Ariana liked him because we'd mentioned Tilda Swinton in the profile (Only Lovers Left Alives is one of my favorite movies of this year) and in his initial message he asked if I'd heard about when she slept in a glass box for installation art.

Bachelor #15: 36 years old, a comic book editor.  Ariana liked him because he seemed like a good mix of nerdy, intellectual, and seems like he has similar values as I do (he referenced the Occupy movement and climate change).  I was very intrigued that he's lived and traveled around the world (as I have) and he seems really positive about his life, which is definitely something I'm looking for.

2) I had a date with Bachelor #14 (Date #9).  We met for drinks in my neighborhood, and it was actually nice to have a simpler date after my date with Bachelor #12.  Since I'm combining all of these into one post, I'll give the very brief version of the date: it felt more like friends/networking drinks than a date.  I always like meeting new people and we shared film and travel stories, so it wasn't bad but I didn't feel any chemistry.  I haven't heard from him so I think we're on the same page about that.  I don't know where the etiquette is there, I've been trying to give the bachelors a heads up of what I'm going to write before I post it, but it seems odd to contact someone just to say I'm not feeling it.  Thoughts?

3) We started Matchmaker Week #8, with my best friend's mom Katt as the Matchmaker.  Katt has been one of the biggest supporters of the experiment, she's like a second mom to me and has often posted comments on Facebook about the blog posts.  She's also never shy about her opinions, for example her comment on the previous blog post was, "Taser.  I'm just saying."

After I'd asked her to be the Matchmaker, she sent me some questions to get a better idea of what I'm looking for, including:

"You are a writer and a film maker, so I want to start there.  Are there any fictional guys you are attracted to?"

"Where do you see yourself personally in five years? Waking up next to a guy who stays? Visiting someone on the weekends? Is sex important? Is romance important? Do you want someone who will hold your hand in public? Get you vegan cupcakes when you are sad? What are you looking for long term, not just for the experiment?”

Phew.  Lots to think about.  She also sent me a Dr. Nerdlove article titled "What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams" which really does have some good advice and some adorable gifs.  

Katt is also a writer, so I shared with her the profile from my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, the profile I had up on OkCupid before the experiment, and combined with the knowledge she has from knowing me for the past 15+ years, she put together a profile.  It looked good to me, so we put up some different photos and the new profile.

4) But it was a tough week because I realized two things:
     a) I was falling for Bachelor #9, and therefore
     b) We needed to break up.

I took a few days to consider it and tried to find some alternative to breaking up, but there didn't seem to be any way to scale back our relationship that didn't seem false.  It seemed so strange to break up with someone because I like him too much.  But the reality was that my attachment to him could interfere with my potential to develop a relationship with someone who actually is looking for a monogamous relationship.

At the end of our previous date B#9 and I had a serious conversation about both of our concerns about our relationship, and whether we were doing the right thing by dating. Neither of us want to hurt the other and we knew that it was a risk of dating, but we also really both enjoyed spending time together. As we talked, we both felt like we were doing the right thing. But as he left, he said to let him know if I thought more about it and changed my mind. So when I did change my mind, it was nice to know that it wouldn't be out of the blue for him.

When we met up and talked, I think it was a bit of a relief for both of us. We'd both been seeing how close we were getting and how tough it could be. It was nice to find a time to end it that felt fair to both of us, before things got messy and we resented each other. But that still didn't make it easy. We both were really sad, I cried quite a bit and it was nice to be able to cry on his shoulder. We also laughed some and talked a lot, and it was nice to be able to say everything. This was the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and (at least so far) the healthiest breakup I've ever had, because we were so open and honest with each other. 

 

I am so grateful for the time that he and I had together, because it showed me a totally different type of relationship than I'd experienced before: calm, communicative, supportive. Now that I know what that looks like, it will help me find it again. At one point I worried that I would get spoiled by getting used to being with a guy who respects me and treats me well, and then I realized that's the point. To be clear. "treats me well" doesn't mean fancy/expensive stuff: our only gifts to each other were $1 books (on a date at a book store) and though our dates were romantic they weren't very fancy. We just enjoyed spending time together, wherever we were. And that's something really great to experience, to be reminded that it's possible.

Honestly, I think a big difference between this relationship/breakup and others I've had is that he really took responsibility for his feelings and was honest about them. I always knew how he felt about me, even on our first date. He didn't feel the need to hide his feelings, and I never felt a need to push to figure out what he felt. On our third date, when we discussed whether we should date or not, he said that we would both likely get emotionally attached to each other. Most guys I've dated would've said to me, "You might get attached," but wouldn't have admitted that they too might also get emotionally attached. And when we were breaking up, he was really sad about it too and said that this had been one of the most intense relationships he'd been in. But he also felt like it was the right thing to end it now.

Since he was so honest about his feelings, it helped me be more honest about my feelings too.  I noticed it was nice that he often told me things he liked about me, so I often told him things I liked about him.  He could also read me really well, and sometimes seemed to know how I was feeling even before I did. Thankfully he never tried to tell me what I was feeling, he was always kind and patient. It encouraged me to be very honest with him about what I was feeling, even if took some time between when he asked me and when I understood what I felt. I'm very used to being able to read other people well but very unused to someone being able to read me well, and I know it's part of why I felt so connected to him.

It's been a few days since we broke up, and it hasn't been fun or easy but I'm definitely alright. I get sad sometimes but I try to appreciate the good times we had together and all that I learned. That kind of connection with someone is rare and that's why it's hard to let it go, but I'm grateful for it.  We're going to give each other a month of space (no communication) and then try to be friends, so I'm glad that we didn't have to say goodbye forever.  

(And for whenever he reads this, #drunkstarfishsaysyolo.)

Some things I'd forgotten about breakups:
A) "We need to talk." I didn't actually use this phrase, because it's so cliche. I didn't want to break up with him via text (because that's rude) but I also didn't want to pretend like everything was totally ok and then have him surprised by the breakup. I hadn't broken up with anyone in a while, and it was a tough balance of not saying too much or too little via text until we could talk in person.

B) Don't listen to the radio when you have a heartache.  One heartsick afternoon I heard "Love is a Battlefield," "The Bed's Too Big Without You," and "You Make Loving Fun" on the radio.  Tears may have been shed.

C) Telling everyone is a bummer.  Especially because of the blog, everyone in my life knew that B#9 and I were dating.  My friends were getting updates on how sickeningly sweet it is when two romantics date.  Since many of my past relationships weren't labelled "relationships." less people knew about them and there were less people to tell when it ended.

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And maybe I thought I could bounce back a little more quickly than was realistic.  

5) Bachelor #15 and I went on a date (Date #10) a few days after B#9 and I broke up. B#15 had planned a mini golf date, because he'd read that I prefer non-traditional date activities. I was really looking forward to the date, but as I started to get ready for the date my heart literally started to hurt. My emotions have a fun trick of presenting as physical feelings, especially if I'm avoiding the emotions (ugh, I get it, I'm sensitive). I was surprised that I was feeling this, since I'd been going on dates while dating B#9. But it made me realize that maybe I need to take a bit of a break to give myself time to process the breakup.

Bachelor #15 and I had fun on our mini golf date and really great conversation over drinks after. Early in the date he said that he really enjoys cooking (and went to culinary school for a time) and one of the things he misses most about being in a relationship is having someone to cook for. I thought that was very sweet, and heard the "kind/nurturing" cues in it.

But I wasn't feeling romantic chemistry. I was trying to assess my feelings/attraction level throughout the date, and keep in check with myself about how the breakup was affecting my feelings. He'd asked me to be really open and honest with him and I though I was. But at the end of the evening he went for a goodnight kiss and I turned so he kissed my cheek, and I realized that my body language was much more honest than I'd been able to be. I was quite frustrated with myself afterwards, that I hadn't been able to be more forthcoming verbally and avoid that awkwardness for both of us. I texted him when I got home to apologize for not being more honest, and let him know I'd like to be friends if he's open to it. We texted back and forth a bit, and although I wish I could have been more honest in person at least I cleared it up pretty quickly. It's the practice.

6) So I'm going to take some time to process everything that's been going on. We're going to extend Katt's Matchmaker Week an additional calendar week, and I hope that'll be sufficient. Also, part of the point of this experiment is to look at the role of community in dating, and now I get to see the role of community in a breakup. I have to really let myself feel this, and maybe I need to watch a romcom and eat ice cream with a friend instead of pretending like nothing has changed.

When Katt asked me about fictional guys that I have crushes on, one of the guys that came to mind is John Cusack's character in High Fidelity. He's far more high-strung than a guy I would want to date, but I relate to how important music is to him. I don't make Top 10 lists, but music is my language and I try to find the right music for particular moments.  "Careful You" by TV on the Radio has been the song that reminded me of my relationship with B#9 from the beginning. It wasn't "Our Song" because we never listened to it together, but everyone kept telling me to "be careful" (because I think they could tell that I'd started to fall for him so quickly) and the lyrics are exactly how I felt. 

I've been thinking about Breakup Albums this week, from Rumors by Fleetwood Mac to Coral Fang by The Distillers (about Distillers lead singer Brody Dalle's divorce from Rancid's Tim Armstrong).  The new TV on the Radio album, Seeds was released today and it's definitely the album of this breakup for me.  From I will care for you/Oh, careful you in "Careful You" to Everything's gonna be ok, I keep telling myself of the song "Trouble," it's like Tunde Adebimpe is in my head (in a good way).  Heartache is part of the human experience, it's something we can all relate to.  And I highly recommend the album, heartache or no.  

Date #8: A Bullfight at MOCA

When I wrote about Date #4 I listed some General Rules for a (Bad) First Date.  Since then I've learned that to some guys, setting Rules for a First Date is like waving a red flag in front of a bull.  Introducing Date #8, featuring Bachelor #12 as the bull, and myself as a matador.  Olé. 

We had an unusual bullfighting arena: the Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA) in Downtown LA.  He had suggested meeting there, and I hadn't been in a while so I agreed.  I find it interesting that I hadn't been on a museum date before this experiment, and now 4 of the 8 dates have been at museums!

Bachelor #12 had read quite a bit of the blog and was at times self-conscious about it, saying that he knew too much about me.  He's a very intellectual and very intense guy.  He is 25 years old and Non-Monogamous, which I found interesting because Bachelor #9 is also 25 and Non-Monogamous.  As it turns out they are very different (although they both call me a hipster, which I find funny because I figured I'd feel less hip dating younger guys).  As we chatted about relationships he said that all relationships are temporary and all we're left with is what we learn from each other, which I found rather profound and appropriate as I'm learning from all of the different bachelors.

But he set the tone for the date fairly early on by saying, "I'm going to break all of your First Date Rules."  At the time I actually interpreted this as an advanced apology for potential social awkwardness.  But upon reviewing the date as a whole, it now seems like more of a statement of intent.  I don't know if he wanted to challenge my First Date Rules to make me feel foolish for having stated them, or if he just found it odd that I'm not the most socially normative person and yet was setting Rules.

Either way, he indeed did break almost every First Date Rule that I had outlined.  Perhaps most strikingly (and sort of hilariously) as he was telling me about his philosophy studies and his own personal moral code, and he said, "For example, I'm not sure that there's anything wrong with killing babies."  He would later tell me that in philosophy debates, "killing babies" is a frequently used example.  I took some philosophy courses and was perhaps not as shocked by this statement as some would be, but I think I'd been zoning out a bit during his rant and so my first thought was, "Why am I standing in an art museum listening to this guy talk about killing babies?"

New First Date Rule: Try to avoid talking about killing babies. 

Let me poke some holes in my red flag: I never meant the Rules to be iron clad, I think there are generally exceptions to every rule.  Different people's First Date boundaries will be different, and a good date is when your boundaries are compatible.  I expressed my preferences while writing about Date #4, and am continually learning about what factors contribute to a good or bad date for me.  And this date was no exception.

For as long as I can remember, when I was talking about what I was looking for in a partner, I would say that I was looking for a guy who challenged me.  This date with B#12 made me think about what that means, and what I'm really looking for.  By starting off the date saying, "I'm going to break all of your First Date Rules," he was definitely challenging me, and it can also be seen as saying, "I'm going to make you uncomfortable."  I'm not looking for the type of guy who just says, "Yes, Dear" to everything, but I'm also not looking for a guy who will intentionally make me uncomfortable (especially on a first date).  I've been with a lot of Challenging guys, I've been with a "Yes, Dear" guy or two, but only lately have I experienced what it's like to be with a guy who is Nurturing.

I hadn't recognized how much I'd gotten used to a calm, nurturing dynamic until after this Bullfight Date with B#12 when I realized, I'm tired of relationships that are so combative.  I push myself a lot, constantly, and a guy who is supportive is better for me right now than one who is pushing.  I'm also a rather stubborn person, so being pushed toward something can just makes me resistant to it.  But if someone can give me the space to work it out on my own or give constructive feedback, it's a smoother process.

Boom, paradigm shift: "Challenging" gets moved down the list of traits I'm looking for in a guy, and "Nurturing/Kind" moves way up.  Not that Challenging it totally off the list, but even that the way someone challenges me is more in the Nurturing/Kind way than Aggressive.

I realize that Nurturing is not typically seen as a masculine tendency.  I briefly dated a guy a few years ago who was condescending and when I talked to him about it he said I was looking for him to be nurturing and "Guys aren't nurturing."  Luckily I'm finding that's not true!  Maybe Kind or Supportive are more comfortable words for guys.  I stay away from the word "Nice" because guys sometimes get caught in "Nice Guys Finish Last" and it can motivate them to act like not very nice guys.

It's also interesting that B#12 matched during my friend Chelsea's Matchmaker week, which was more aggressive profile, while B#9 (who is nurturing) matched during my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, which was a more romantic profile.  A few things I take from this:

1) I am more compatible with a guy who responded to a romantic profile than an aggressive profile.  I really would need more data on this because B#9 was the only guy that I actually went on a date with from Greg's Matchmaker week.  But I think I should lean toward dating more romantic guys.  Also the way I'm represented in the profile may affect the way the bachelors interact with me.  B#9 said he'd thought of challenging me about my First Date Rules but decided he didn't want to be that way, perhaps because I'd been portrayed in a romantic/sensitive way.  B#12 probably generally challenges people, but may have been even more challenging with me because that profile had presented me as a more aggressive person.

2) Let's talk about gender roles.  Stereotypically, aggressive is masculine and romantic is feminine.  Yet, Chelsea (female) is our aggressive example and Greg (male) is our romantic example.  I am looking for a masculine man who is in touch with his feminine side, as I am a feminine woman but I also am in touch with my masculine side.  I prefer Power Tool Therapy to Retail Therapy; I'm happy to put on a dress and heels for a night out but spend most of my time wearing yoga pants and running shoes.  I really hope that our society can move past such strict ideas of gender norms because they can be really harmful and limiting to both genders (and anyone that doesn't feel they fit into the gender binary).

3) I actually need to get more comfortable with my romantic/sensitive side.  Today I apologized for "getting all emo" to a friend, and she lovingly scolded me a bit for minimizing my feelings.  I've realized that being with a nurturing guy allows me to let my nurturing side show more, which I actually like.  But it takes a bit of adjusting (and reminding myself) that I like nurturing guys and the nurturing side of myself.

4) How do I figure out who is Kind/Nurturing?  At least for the experiment: OkCupid has a section called "Personality" in which they show which personality traits are strongest in someone compared to average.  One of those personality traits is Kind (I believe Compassionate is also on there sometimes) so I'll be paying more attention to that in guys' profiles.  Also, I've started to notice that some guys list "Kindness" on their profile as something that is important to them.  And I am working on getting better at recognizing the way people show kindness or empathy in communication, online and offline.

If you need more evidence for why I might prefer Kindness, check out this article: Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits. (Spoiler alert: the 2 traits are Kindness and Generosity).

But now back to the date, where I hadn't figured out that paradigm shift yet...

I felt like B#12 and I weren't really clicking, but he suggested that we get drinks so we could get to know each other in a different setting.  From the experimental perspective, I was curious: would we connect differently in a different setting?  B#9 and I had recently discussed whether the setting of our first date affected how much we connected.  So why not get a drink and see if a change of scenery brings a change of tone?

We went to a nearby bar and got a booth, and we did seem to connect better over drinks.  Maybe a drink helped both of us relax a bit, and we were a bit more playful in our debates.

**This is now where anyone (i.e. family members) who don't want to read about anything remotely sexual should stop reading.  Love you all.**

One round of drinks turned into two, and we got a bit cozy in the booth.  When he put his arm around me and kissed me, I kissed him back.  I was a bit surprised myself, but I also felt like, "Why not?"  I tend to be a rather serious person, and sometimes it's nice to let go a bit.

But his hands were wandering a bit more than I was comfortable with, and when I had pushed his hand away from a certain area twice he said, "You're only half fun."  I was taken aback at this and asked which half of me was not fun, and he said the half that was pushing his hand away.  Bam.  Any goodwill that we had accrued quickly evaporated.

I think I've mentioned that I'm working on boundaries, and I know that one of the reasons it's difficult for me to clearly express physical boundaries with guys is that I'm worried they won't like me if I say "No."  So when a guy essentially says that he likes me less because I was saying no (even just with body language) it was frustrating.  The good news is that I didn't give up my boundaries, I stood my ground and he didn't try again.  He apologized and said he didn't want me to feel pressured, but acknowledged that clearly I had felt pressured.  The bad news is that after the date, I didn't feel good about what had happened.  I was blaming myself, wondering what should I have done differently to prevent that from happening.  Should I have worn a different dress?  Not gotten two drinks with him?  Not gotten drinks at all?

I am still working on boundaries and communication, and I know I could have been clearer with B#12 about my boundaries (and clearer with myself).  But we'd also fallen into a trap that you might not think that two people who had spent the evening discussing philosophy and unusual moral codes would fall into: guy feels that he is entitled to access to girl's body, girl feels shame and guilt.  I don't intend to shame myself or B#12, but to point out that if even two very educated people who are very aware of and often eschew social norms can get caught up in these gender dynamics, it's a good thing for us to take a beat to think about.

I firmly believe:

Consent is sexy. 

Everyone should feel safe and heard, whether it's a first date or a tenth.  

I've heard from a few guys lately that it's difficult for guys to navigate modern masculinity, and I would suggest reading articles like Yes, You Can Be a Gentleman and Have Great Sex, or basically anything by Jordan Gray, or other articles at The Good Men Project.  And ladies, check them out too.  Both genders' struggles are entwined, and it would help for each to have a better understanding and empathy for the challenges of each gender.

B#12 texted me several days after our date to plan another date.  I told him that I didn't think we should see each other again because I think we're looking for different things and I felt that my boundaries weren't respected, but I appreciated what I'd learned from the date.  He was very apologetic, and I told him I appreciated it and hoped it could be an opportunity for learning and growth for him also.

It's unusual for me to be so upfront with someone about crossing boundaries, and I really appreciate that B#12 was apologetic instead of defensive.  This blog forces me to be more honest with the bachelors than I normally would be, but it's been really positive and encouraging.  I also appreciate that the blog allows me the space to (or requires that I) analyze each date and what I learn from them.  And I appreciate each of the bachelors for being part of the experiment and letting me write about them!