As I'm writing this it's already after midnight, technically very early Monday morning. In approximately fourteen hours I will likely be a human stress knot because that's when we launch crowdfunding for my film, The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide. I started writing the script in 2009 and this is the first time we're presenting it to the public. It is REALLY exciting and terrifying. I think it's like sending your kid off to school for the first time, or maybe like finding out you're pregnant? I remember getting a pregnancy announcement in the mail from a friend and briefly feeling like, "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??" and then realizing that this film is my first child and requires time, money, energy, commitment, and tender loving care just like a baby. And luckily I have a group of people who are helping to bring this film to life.
EDIT: We successfully launched our crowdfunding campaign! Check it out: www.seedandspark.com/studio/average-girls-guide-suicide
Perhaps like a worried parent, I stay up late working most nights and wake hours before my alarm thinking about things I need to do and writing emails in my head. I'm working on mindfulness and meditation. I'm also working on eating before I'm so famished my brain stops functioning (there's just so much to do). I'm not complaining, this the life that I've chosen and honestly this is living the dream. I'm pouring my heart and soul into a project that is incredibly dear to me, and I get to work with people I adore. But it's also incredibly intense, all-consuming, and most days I'm just trying to survive.
So it doesn't leave much time or energy for dating.
Is being "too busy to date" legitimate or just an excuse? I miss being in a relationship, but first dates require a whole different level of energy. I don't necessarily feel like I have my best foot forward when I'm in survival mode.
I actually went on my first date since November recently. I'd been using the dating app Hinge for months and would match with guys but none ever sent me a message. When a guy finally did send me a message, a few weeks ago, I was quite surprised! He asked me out for a drink, and I figured "Why not?" But as I headed to the date, having not eaten dinner (I'd had a late lunch) and rather preoccupied by work, I wasn't feeling like I was in the right mindset for a date. It was also my first non-Post-Modern-Matchmaker date in a while (so I won't write about it in detail, and he doesn't get a Bachelor number) and it was interesting to remember what it's like to go on a date with a guy who hasn't read the blog. I realized that the blog sometimes could add pressure to a first date (for me to live up to expectations set by the blog, or for a guy to meet expectations he perceived in the blog) but it also is sort of a window into my brain and that can be helpful to both parties.
During the date I asked if he'd read the article on Order Muppets and Chaos Muppets. He hadn't, and I explained that the idea is that people are like Order Muppets (like Kermit the Frog) or Chaos Muppets (like Animal or Gonzo). He immediately said that he was a Chaos Muppet, then said he was a bit of both but probably mostly a Chaos Muppet. He'd already told me that he had no filter and is an adrenaline junkie, although he's also an engineer, so that seemed like a fair evaluation. I'm definitely a Chaos and Order mix. After college I had a few Chaos Muppet years where I bounced around the country (I usually call them The Vagabond Years). When I moved back to LA I had a few Order Muppet years as a Personal Assistant, Executive Assistant, and sometimes Assistant Director (the Order Muppet of a film set). And now I'm trying to find a balance. I like having routine, but I need some flexibility in my routine.
An interesting part of the Order Muppet/Chaos Muppet theory is that apparently opposites attract, usually couples are one Order Muppet and one Chaos Muppet. I can see that I've dated both Chaos Muppets and Order Muppets, and each bring out the opposite in me. I've mostly dated Chaos Muppets (e.g. guys who lived in buses) so I usually end up being the Order Muppet in the relationship. Bachelor #9 is definitely an Order Muppet, and it felt sort of weird to be the Chaos Muppet in a relationship. And maybe because he was SUCH an Order Muppet, I felt like SUCH a Chaos Muppet. It seems like lately I've been drawn to Chaos Muppets again, but that seems like a bad idea. Remember what my daily life is like? And months ago when I realized that I want to date guys who are kind and nurturing? I don't think those are usually Chaos Muppets. I don't need anyone who brings more chaos into my life. I'm dangerously close to getting involved with a particular Total Chaos Muppet I know, but my brain keeps saying, "Oh no, that will.not.end.well." So the Order Muppet side is telling the Chaos Muppet side to be quiet, try to behave.
In related news, Bachelor #9 seems to be Nick Miller Awkward Moon Walking out of my life, which is less endearing in reality and also oddly sort of what I expect from an Order Muppet vs. Chaos Muppet situation like this. (Side note: Nick Miller & Jessica Day are an excellent example of a Chaos Muppet/Order Muppet relationship. Nick Miller is such a Chaos Muppet! And Jess was the Chaos Muppet in other relationships, but had to be an Order Muppet in their relationship. /NewGirlRant) There also is a possibility that since I expect an Order Muppet to Awkward Moon Walk out of my life, that I might interpret a little shuffling as Awkward Moon Walking out of my life. Because in some ways it's easier to say he is Just Like All The Rest and I Never Should Have Even Tried, but I'm trying not to put all the Sins of Past Exes onto current events.
On the OkCupid front, I did delete some messages from my inbox to make room for new messages...and immediately remembered why I'd let it fill up. However, there was a message from a guy who seemed cute and interesting, so we traded a few messages. I was getting tired of messaging on OkCupid so I not-so-subtly hinted that he should ask me out on a date. I gave him my email address and said if he wanted to meet up sometime he should email me, and that I'm busy with crowdfunding but can make time for a drink. He emailed me, but still has not asked me out. I've found that being really busy makes me less patient, and in this case I'm just over it. I'm not looking for a pen pal, Sorry/Not Sorry. So the OkCupid inbox is now full again, and staying that way for a bit.
Anyways, it's getting quite late and I need to be a functional human being tomorrow. So lastly, Chaos Muppet would like to share a horoscope with you. I see astrology as food for thought, not gospel, and Rob Brezsny's Freewill Astrology is one of the few I read. I think his writing is thought-provoking and I like that it's very positive. I am a Gemini, and this week's horoscope was so spot on for me that I laughed out loud. It's advice on how to love a Gemini so it seems appropriate to include here. Take as seriously or humorously as you like, and apply to Geminis and non-Geminis as you feel fitting.
"The anonymous blogger at Neurolove.me
gives advice on how to love a Gemini: 'Don't get impatient with their
distractibility. Always make time for great conversation. Be
understanding when they're moody. Help them move past their
insecurities, and tell them it's not their job to please everyone. Let
them have space but never let them be lonely.' I endorse all that good
counsel, and add this: 'To love Geminis, listen to them attentively, and
with expansive flexibility. Don't try to force them to be consistent;
encourage them to experiment at uniting their sometimes conflicting
urges. As best as you can, express appreciation not just for the parts
of them that are easy to love but also for the parts that are not yet
ripe or charming.'"
As Kaypacha says, "Namaste, Aloha, So Much Love."