Beginning, Middle, and End. (Two Dates and a Breakup)

Phew.  It's been a heck of a week.  I'm basically going to cram 6 blog posts into this one, so here goes:

1) We wrapped up Ariana's Matchmaker week.  During the week she'd asked me to respond to the incoming OkCupid messages, and picked two guys that I had been sending messages back and forth with.

Introducing:
Bachelor #14: 26 years old, a filmmaker (like myself).  Ariana liked him because we'd mentioned Tilda Swinton in the profile (Only Lovers Left Alives is one of my favorite movies of this year) and in his initial message he asked if I'd heard about when she slept in a glass box for installation art.

Bachelor #15: 36 years old, a comic book editor.  Ariana liked him because he seemed like a good mix of nerdy, intellectual, and seems like he has similar values as I do (he referenced the Occupy movement and climate change).  I was very intrigued that he's lived and traveled around the world (as I have) and he seems really positive about his life, which is definitely something I'm looking for.

2) I had a date with Bachelor #14 (Date #9).  We met for drinks in my neighborhood, and it was actually nice to have a simpler date after my date with Bachelor #12.  Since I'm combining all of these into one post, I'll give the very brief version of the date: it felt more like friends/networking drinks than a date.  I always like meeting new people and we shared film and travel stories, so it wasn't bad but I didn't feel any chemistry.  I haven't heard from him so I think we're on the same page about that.  I don't know where the etiquette is there, I've been trying to give the bachelors a heads up of what I'm going to write before I post it, but it seems odd to contact someone just to say I'm not feeling it.  Thoughts?

3) We started Matchmaker Week #8, with my best friend's mom Katt as the Matchmaker.  Katt has been one of the biggest supporters of the experiment, she's like a second mom to me and has often posted comments on Facebook about the blog posts.  She's also never shy about her opinions, for example her comment on the previous blog post was, "Taser.  I'm just saying."

After I'd asked her to be the Matchmaker, she sent me some questions to get a better idea of what I'm looking for, including:

"You are a writer and a film maker, so I want to start there.  Are there any fictional guys you are attracted to?"

"Where do you see yourself personally in five years? Waking up next to a guy who stays? Visiting someone on the weekends? Is sex important? Is romance important? Do you want someone who will hold your hand in public? Get you vegan cupcakes when you are sad? What are you looking for long term, not just for the experiment?”

Phew.  Lots to think about.  She also sent me a Dr. Nerdlove article titled "What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams" which really does have some good advice and some adorable gifs.  

Katt is also a writer, so I shared with her the profile from my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, the profile I had up on OkCupid before the experiment, and combined with the knowledge she has from knowing me for the past 15+ years, she put together a profile.  It looked good to me, so we put up some different photos and the new profile.

4) But it was a tough week because I realized two things:
     a) I was falling for Bachelor #9, and therefore
     b) We needed to break up.

I took a few days to consider it and tried to find some alternative to breaking up, but there didn't seem to be any way to scale back our relationship that didn't seem false.  It seemed so strange to break up with someone because I like him too much.  But the reality was that my attachment to him could interfere with my potential to develop a relationship with someone who actually is looking for a monogamous relationship.

At the end of our previous date B#9 and I had a serious conversation about both of our concerns about our relationship, and whether we were doing the right thing by dating. Neither of us want to hurt the other and we knew that it was a risk of dating, but we also really both enjoyed spending time together. As we talked, we both felt like we were doing the right thing. But as he left, he said to let him know if I thought more about it and changed my mind. So when I did change my mind, it was nice to know that it wouldn't be out of the blue for him.

When we met up and talked, I think it was a bit of a relief for both of us. We'd both been seeing how close we were getting and how tough it could be. It was nice to find a time to end it that felt fair to both of us, before things got messy and we resented each other. But that still didn't make it easy. We both were really sad, I cried quite a bit and it was nice to be able to cry on his shoulder. We also laughed some and talked a lot, and it was nice to be able to say everything. This was the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and (at least so far) the healthiest breakup I've ever had, because we were so open and honest with each other. 

 

I am so grateful for the time that he and I had together, because it showed me a totally different type of relationship than I'd experienced before: calm, communicative, supportive. Now that I know what that looks like, it will help me find it again. At one point I worried that I would get spoiled by getting used to being with a guy who respects me and treats me well, and then I realized that's the point. To be clear. "treats me well" doesn't mean fancy/expensive stuff: our only gifts to each other were $1 books (on a date at a book store) and though our dates were romantic they weren't very fancy. We just enjoyed spending time together, wherever we were. And that's something really great to experience, to be reminded that it's possible.

Honestly, I think a big difference between this relationship/breakup and others I've had is that he really took responsibility for his feelings and was honest about them. I always knew how he felt about me, even on our first date. He didn't feel the need to hide his feelings, and I never felt a need to push to figure out what he felt. On our third date, when we discussed whether we should date or not, he said that we would both likely get emotionally attached to each other. Most guys I've dated would've said to me, "You might get attached," but wouldn't have admitted that they too might also get emotionally attached. And when we were breaking up, he was really sad about it too and said that this had been one of the most intense relationships he'd been in. But he also felt like it was the right thing to end it now.

Since he was so honest about his feelings, it helped me be more honest about my feelings too.  I noticed it was nice that he often told me things he liked about me, so I often told him things I liked about him.  He could also read me really well, and sometimes seemed to know how I was feeling even before I did. Thankfully he never tried to tell me what I was feeling, he was always kind and patient. It encouraged me to be very honest with him about what I was feeling, even if took some time between when he asked me and when I understood what I felt. I'm very used to being able to read other people well but very unused to someone being able to read me well, and I know it's part of why I felt so connected to him.

It's been a few days since we broke up, and it hasn't been fun or easy but I'm definitely alright. I get sad sometimes but I try to appreciate the good times we had together and all that I learned. That kind of connection with someone is rare and that's why it's hard to let it go, but I'm grateful for it.  We're going to give each other a month of space (no communication) and then try to be friends, so I'm glad that we didn't have to say goodbye forever.  

(And for whenever he reads this, #drunkstarfishsaysyolo.)

Some things I'd forgotten about breakups:
A) "We need to talk." I didn't actually use this phrase, because it's so cliche. I didn't want to break up with him via text (because that's rude) but I also didn't want to pretend like everything was totally ok and then have him surprised by the breakup. I hadn't broken up with anyone in a while, and it was a tough balance of not saying too much or too little via text until we could talk in person.

B) Don't listen to the radio when you have a heartache.  One heartsick afternoon I heard "Love is a Battlefield," "The Bed's Too Big Without You," and "You Make Loving Fun" on the radio.  Tears may have been shed.

C) Telling everyone is a bummer.  Especially because of the blog, everyone in my life knew that B#9 and I were dating.  My friends were getting updates on how sickeningly sweet it is when two romantics date.  Since many of my past relationships weren't labelled "relationships." less people knew about them and there were less people to tell when it ended.

-----

And maybe I thought I could bounce back a little more quickly than was realistic.  

5) Bachelor #15 and I went on a date (Date #10) a few days after B#9 and I broke up. B#15 had planned a mini golf date, because he'd read that I prefer non-traditional date activities. I was really looking forward to the date, but as I started to get ready for the date my heart literally started to hurt. My emotions have a fun trick of presenting as physical feelings, especially if I'm avoiding the emotions (ugh, I get it, I'm sensitive). I was surprised that I was feeling this, since I'd been going on dates while dating B#9. But it made me realize that maybe I need to take a bit of a break to give myself time to process the breakup.

Bachelor #15 and I had fun on our mini golf date and really great conversation over drinks after. Early in the date he said that he really enjoys cooking (and went to culinary school for a time) and one of the things he misses most about being in a relationship is having someone to cook for. I thought that was very sweet, and heard the "kind/nurturing" cues in it.

But I wasn't feeling romantic chemistry. I was trying to assess my feelings/attraction level throughout the date, and keep in check with myself about how the breakup was affecting my feelings. He'd asked me to be really open and honest with him and I though I was. But at the end of the evening he went for a goodnight kiss and I turned so he kissed my cheek, and I realized that my body language was much more honest than I'd been able to be. I was quite frustrated with myself afterwards, that I hadn't been able to be more forthcoming verbally and avoid that awkwardness for both of us. I texted him when I got home to apologize for not being more honest, and let him know I'd like to be friends if he's open to it. We texted back and forth a bit, and although I wish I could have been more honest in person at least I cleared it up pretty quickly. It's the practice.

6) So I'm going to take some time to process everything that's been going on. We're going to extend Katt's Matchmaker Week an additional calendar week, and I hope that'll be sufficient. Also, part of the point of this experiment is to look at the role of community in dating, and now I get to see the role of community in a breakup. I have to really let myself feel this, and maybe I need to watch a romcom and eat ice cream with a friend instead of pretending like nothing has changed.

When Katt asked me about fictional guys that I have crushes on, one of the guys that came to mind is John Cusack's character in High Fidelity. He's far more high-strung than a guy I would want to date, but I relate to how important music is to him. I don't make Top 10 lists, but music is my language and I try to find the right music for particular moments.  "Careful You" by TV on the Radio has been the song that reminded me of my relationship with B#9 from the beginning. It wasn't "Our Song" because we never listened to it together, but everyone kept telling me to "be careful" (because I think they could tell that I'd started to fall for him so quickly) and the lyrics are exactly how I felt. 

I've been thinking about Breakup Albums this week, from Rumors by Fleetwood Mac to Coral Fang by The Distillers (about Distillers lead singer Brody Dalle's divorce from Rancid's Tim Armstrong).  The new TV on the Radio album, Seeds was released today and it's definitely the album of this breakup for me.  From I will care for you/Oh, careful you in "Careful You" to Everything's gonna be ok, I keep telling myself of the song "Trouble," it's like Tunde Adebimpe is in my head (in a good way).  Heartache is part of the human experience, it's something we can all relate to.  And I highly recommend the album, heartache or no.  

Who do you want to attract?

"Who do you want to attract? Someone more like yourself or someone who complements you?"

Don't tell other writers that I let the cat out of the bag, but procrastination is a big part of the writing process.  I wish I could tell you that it's always easy to sit down and write.  The truth is that sometimes when I need to write, instead I putter around my apartment, clean, stare out the window, check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and then Facebook again, i.e. anything other than write.  

This week has felt like a Master class in Procrastination, with the new Cold War Kids album as the soundtrack.

We started my friend Ariana's Matchmaker week several days ago.  I'd been meaning to write about it, but then I got sick, and I needed to write about Date #7, then I had other work to do, and I hadn't figured out how to write about it so I was avoiding it.  

There was nothing wrong with the start of Ariana's Matchmaker week, but it had neither the drama of writing the Romantic profile during my brother Greg's week (Week 5: Looking for Love...?) nor the raucous shenanigans the Confident profile of my friend Chelsea's week (Week 6: Tequila, Zombies, and Being High Maintenance).  

Ariana and I had talked about who we were trying to attract, but we didn't come up with any specific type.  I said maybe tattooed guys who ride motorcycles, since that's the opposite of the guys I've been dating, but there aren't a ton of those type of guys on OkCupid.  I just realized we used the word "badass" twice, so maybe that helps with that target demographic?  We did try to show my outdoorsy side, as well as my creative, healthy, and adventurous sides.  It was also good to catch up with Ariana, she's been living in Tennessee for a bit and I miss being able to chat with her over coffee or on a long walk.  The experiment has been a fun excuse to catch up with friends.  

But I hadn't found that Thing to write about.  Usually these Things politely appear during the writing of the profile, or even in the first few days of the Matchmaker week.  This one hid for the better part of a week, and then tapped me on the shoulder and punched me in the nose. 

 

I was chatting with a friend, funnily enough on OkCupid because he'd found the dating experiment profile.  We started talking about our respective OkCupid experiences, and we've both had trouble attracting people that we could actually be in relationships with.  I expressed some frustration that one of my goals of the experiment was to figure out how to attract the type of guys that I wanted to attract, but I'd at least been learning more about the types of guys that I'm compatible with so at least that should help.  And then he asked me two rather simple questions, ones which I thought I basically knew the answers to: "Who do you want to attract? Someone more like yourself or someone who complements you?"  And as I tried to articulate answers, I was confounded.  Stumped.  Baffled.  I got into a bit of a mood. I washed dishes, dyed my hair, and did anything I could think of to avoid these questions.  I feel like I've learned so much, I've been writing about the things I'm learning, and I realized recently that the experiment has been going on for three months!  So what have I learned about what kind of guy I'm looking for? 

Ok well let's start with some easy ones:

1) Monogamous: I hadn't thought that much about it before the experiment, but recent events have made me realize that monogamy really is something that I am looking for right now.  I don't believe that everyone has to be monogamous, but it seems to be the best thing for me at this point.  

2) Taller than me: Sorry guys, I tried dating guys my height or shorter but I clearly prefer dating guys who are taller than me.  I never say never, but call it a strong preference.  

While we're at it:

3) Mutual physical attraction: It may sound obvious, but I've realized it is very important to me.  

We've gotten through some more obvious ones, so let's dig in:

4) Not Too "Normal": I'd long felt that I shouldn't date "normal" guys, but in Week 3 my cousin Emily gave me a good functional definition of Too Normal, "they haven’t thought of breaking out of social constructs."  You don't have to be breaking all social norms, but you're aware of social norms and make conscious choices of which social constructs you abide by and which you eschew.  

5) Communicative: This was definitely something I valued before the experiment but it's become even more important.  My own communication skills have been improving, and I've been learning that it's better to have the awkward conversations than avoid them and hope/assume the other person is on the same page.  Bachelor #9 and Bachelor #13 have both helped me see this.  Also, I include listening skills under the Communicative umbrella, as speaking and listening are both important parts of communication.  

6) Easy-Going/Chill: I've noticed this with a few of the Bachelors, but I think I first became very aware of it on Date #3: A Classy Date with Bachelor #4.  I'm more at ease around guys who are at ease.  I like guys that can go with the flow, and enjoy the journey.  

7) Generally Positive Outlook: Bachelor #6 brought this one front and center for me (as a negative example, and several of the bachelors have been positive examples).  We all have complaints, concerns, or bad moods, but I need to be with someone who can at least look for silver linings instead of looking for more dark clouds.    

8) Grounded/Emotionally Mature: I'm still working on how to explain this one, but it's a quality that B#9 has and it sets him apart from every other guy I've been in a relationship with.  It's related to Easy-Going/Chill but on a different level.  The best way to explain it is that he's been there while I'm dealing with some tough stuff, and when I'm emotionally or physically bouncing off the walls (my Rubber Ball Heart, and when I'm nervous I'm a human pinball (not literally bouncing off walls)) he's calm, steady, supportive and patient.  He doesn't make it about him and go ricocheting in a different direction (which is what most guys I've dated would do).  But this also takes adjusting to.  I'm used to Guys Who Disappear and expect him to do the same, so it's nice but also sometimes a surprise when he acts differently. 

9) Kind: This was definitely not on my priority list when I was younger, but in the past few years I've realized it's important for me.  A guy used to really get my attention if he argued with me, and now I know that I don't want to be in a relationship full of arguments.  I like guys who have opinions and can articulate them, and I don't want to be with a guy who agrees with me just for the sake of agreeing with me.  But having different opinions doesn't mean you have to fight.  

I'm still trying to figure out whether I'm best with a guy who is more similar or complementary.  It seems that I'm looking for a guy who is similar to me in many ways, but there are some aspects where different/complementary seems to work better.  

Also, things I've learned about me:

1) Texting is my preferred mode of communication: a phone call now and then is good (and any important conversations should happen face to face), but overall texting is what I prefer for checking in or conveying information.  However, texting does have some problems.  Sometimes it can be tough to read someone's tone in a text, especially if I don't know them well.  Also, if someone takes 6+ hours to reply to a text it freaks me out.  See: Guys Who Disappear.  

2) A lot changes for me in a week: B#9 and I have been seeing each other once a week, and it's made me realize how much changes for me in a week.  I'm a freelancer, so the types of jobs I have from week to week can vary widely.  My hair color currently is changing several times per week (bright red, dark blue, blonde, and lavender, just in the past week or two).  Luckily I'm not the type of person whose life plan changes on a weekly basis, but there's always a lot to catch up on.  I used to think that I should be with someone whose life changed just as quickly, because they could understand and keep up.  But I've started to wonder if it's actually better to be with someone whose life is a bit more stable, because if both people's lives are changing quickly it might be hard to have a stable relationship.  Definitely something to think about and hopefully test out.  

3) I have a hard time talking about my feelings: I'm an artist, I'm a writer, I'm writing a blog about all of this, you'd think it'd be easy-peasy for me to talk about my feelings in real life.  It's not.  A few years ago a friend told me that when I talk about feelings it's like I'm going underwater, I take a deep breath and hold my breath during the conversation.  A few friends teased me lately about using funny voices when I am talking about/mocking what I'm feeling.  But I'm working on it.  I often quickly dismiss my own feelings as "crazy" and I'm trying to stop using that word entirely.  And the blog has actually been good for me because it forces me to be more honest with the bachelors (and more honest with myself).  

4) My brain is rather monogamous: I'm really not used to dating more than one guy at a time, much less continuing to seek out more guys to date.  Currently I'm seeing B#9 once a week, I have a second date planned with B#13 and a first date planned with B#12.  Luckily it doesn't feel like I'm cheating on anyone, but it's been taking extra prompting to get myself to log onto OkCupid.  I'm not used to having much of a dating life to juggle, but it's definitely not a bad problem to have! 

5) I'm not the most patient person: If it weren't for the experiment, I would have de-activated my OkCupid account a while ago.  Some because of that feeling of "Oh right, I should reply to that message" (Ariana wanted me to reply to messages this week, some weeks the Matchmaker has responded to messages, I think it's interesting to see the different results.)  But I think it's good that the experiment forces me to be more patient (and/or persistent).  

I really have been learning so much, and at times it's been surprisingly exhausting to be having epiphanies every other day and breakdowns to breakthroughs, and figure out how to write about it in a way that all the bachelors and my whole extended family can read.  But I love a good challenge, which is why I continually create them for myself.  So thanks for reading :)

Also, I've been meaning to write about this: 

Metro, a daily newspaper in NYC, Philadelphia, and Boston, did a story about the experiment and blog, and you can read the article here.  It also appeared in print in all 3 cities, which is pretty cool!  I had fun talking to Lakshmi Gandhi about the experiment, and after three months of writing about other people, it was interesting to read someone else's writing about me!  

Date #7: Introduction to Confidence, and PersonalGrowthPalooza

In the previous post I hadn't given specifics, but here's the cool cool cool story: B#13 and I met up at a convention for the TV show Community, known as CommuniCon.  (Since he'd worked on the show, I didn't want to write that until I knew it was ok with him.)  Definitely not your average date location but as I am a fan of Community, I was pretty excited and very curious about what a Community Convention would look like.

Spoiler alert: There's an Inspector Spacetime spaceship/phone booth, and yes I got a picture in it!

I got there right after the panel that B#13 was a part of and he was signing autographs for fans of the show (he worked on the animation for an episode, which the panel was about).  I've never started a date with someone signing autographs before (and I think he actually may have been a bit embarrassed about it), but I know that as an animator he probably rarely gets recognized for the work he does so it's pretty cool to have people asking for an autograph!  So I wandered around and looked at fan art until he was done, and then he showed me around the convention and introduced me to people he works with.  Again, totally different than a "standard date" of getting drinks or coffee, but I prefer unique/interesting dates!

In many ways, a Full Immersion Date is very appropriate for B#13.  He's an intense guy, which can be good and bad.  I'd seen some of that intensity in Digital Me vs. Real Me, and A Guy I'm Dating? when I'd been surprised and a bit unnerved that he had done some research on me, but figured (and he also expressed) that he'd just been trying to get to know me.  But one of the really good parts of that intensity is that he's very genuine, and he's just being himself without pretense.  As I've thought more about the internet research incident, it's actually not as surprising to me that he looked me up, it was surprising that he didn't hide the fact that he'd looked me up.  So what, I'd prefer a guy who lied?  Especially in LA, I've gotten so used to people that are trying to keep up appearances or "be cool" that someone who isn't concerned about pretense can be a bit jarring, but it's also refreshing.  And it also encourages me drop some of my pretense, and catch myself when I'm trying a bit too hard to "be cool."

It's funny, the morning of our date (we were meeting up midday) I woke up and immediately felt the Pre-Date Panic.  I wrote in Date #3: A Classy Date with Bachelor #4 that I always get nervous before dates.  During the experiment I've been trying to clock when and why I get nervous about dates.  At first it was because I felt like I hadn't dated in a while and wasn't sure I knew how to do it.  As I've been going on more dates that fear has dissipated, although not entirely as B#9 and I have gotten into unfamiliar dating territory for me (past 3 dates).  But first dates, yeah I know how to do those now.  So what was this Pre-Date Panic that gripped me that morning?  It was a bit of Stressing Because I Didn't Stress Enough Yet, but as I looked into it, it was mostly "What If He Doesn't Like Me?"  It's sort of embarrassing to admit, but it's true, and I think some guys don't realize that a girl is also trying to impress them on a date.  But since B#13 had done research on me, and we'd chatted online quite a bit, I decided to try on a new attitude.  What if I went into the date assuming he does like me?  Of course respectfully listening for signs that he doesn't like me, but focusing more on a) enjoying a date and b) figuring out whether I like him.  I know this shouldn't seem like a radical shift, people have been telling me to do this for years, but to actually take on that attitude is different.  And definitely helped ease my Pre-Date nerves.

Back to the date: after walking around the convention a bit, we sat and chatted for a while.  B#13 is very curious and likes to know as much as possible (see: internet research), so we talked about a ton of different things.  We talked a bunch about the experiment and what I've been learning.  At one point we were talking about how the Chelsea version of the profile was a very confident profile and he asked me, "Are you confident?"  I was a little taken aback at how to answer that, and after thinking about it I said that I'm much more confident in my work than in my dating (see: paragraph above).  It made me realize that was actually part of why I'd started this dating experiment and blog: I'm very comfortable as a writer and not so comfortable as a dater, so I wanted to use my writing to help me deal with the discomfort of dating.  I'd never thought of it that way before and articulated that to B#13, it was an interesting realization to have on a date!

We talked for quite a while, and I realized it was 2pm aka Hangry Danger Zone (I hadn't had lunch).  He suggested that we get food, and although I get really nervous eating on dates I was enjoying hanging out with him so I agreed.  We figured out a lunch spot and took separate cars since we'd be heading in different directions after lunch.

I got to the restaurant first and when he got there he was visibly upset.  We got a table and I asked what was wrong, he said it was a situation on Facebook that he normally wouldn't talk about, but he told me about it.  I told him I was glad he did, because if he'd just said, "Oh nothing," I would have wondered why his demeanor had suddenly changed and worried I'd done something wrong.  I'd asked him to be open and honest with me (as I'd been open about his research unnerving me) and that doesn't mean "open and honest only when it's good news."  My feedback on the situation was, "It seems like there's a pretty simple conversation to be had with that person."  I offered to help him with wording, but he quickly seemed to relax and said he wanted to enjoy our lunch.  Later he told me that he did have that conversation and resolve the situation, and that I'd really motivated him to do so and he's learned a new skill (how to have a direct conversation about an awkward topic).  I though it was sort of funny because I have been working on this myself and hadn't really said much, but I thought it was really cool that he's really actively learning and growing.  This experiment has been a PersonalGrowthPalooza for me and it can be a really uncomfortable process, so it is awesome to see someone else also finding those uncomfortable spots and working through them.
(Note: I am under the weather and on some cold medicine, so I will blame that for the completely made up words in this post like "PersonalGrowthPalooza.")

At the end of the date B#13 said he'd like to see me again, and I agreed.  After the date I felt a bit of hesitation, because although I enjoyed spending time with him, I wasn't quite sure if we were compatible enough to date or better as friends.  Then I reminded myself, the point of dating is to figure out whether you want to date someone.  I didn't have to have it all figured out from one date.  On the first date you pretty much just need to figure out if you want to go out on a second date with the person.  And then go from there.  B#13 and I have been talking (via instant messenger) regularly since our date and I do like that he and I can talk about real things, not just "What are you up to?" and pop culture.  So whatever it ends up being, I'm glad to have met someone new who is also on this bumpy road of betterment, and I look forward to wherever it takes us!

Week 6: Tequila, Zombies, and Being High Maintenance

*This entry is rated PG-13 for some NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) language*

Matchmaker Week 6 started out with margaritas, a lot of honesty and laughter.  My friend Chelsea is the Matchmaker for this week, and she is like a sister to me.  We grew up together and one of the things I love about Chelsea is that she tells it like it is.  She calls me on my bullshit, and I know it's out of love.  I appreciate that my friends keep me honest with myself!

As we started talking about the experiment, we got to one of the things I hadn't been talking about at all in the blog, an elephant in the room: Attraction.

Physical attraction is a really important part of dating for me, so it may seem unusual that I wasn't talking about it.  The truth is that I haven't been attracted to most of the Bachelors, and I felt bad writing about not being attracted to them when I knew they could read the blog.  And there were always enough other aspects of compatibility that I could discuss so it seemed unnecessary to write, "He was really nice but I wasn't physically attracted to him so I would never date him."  I am, in the blog and life in general, trying not to be an asshole.  I don't need to date a male model (in fact, sometimes I find really attractive guys intimidating) but I want to date a guy that I like looking at and want to swap saliva with.  Is that too much for a girl to ask?  (No, it's not.)  So Chelsea wanted to figure out what I am attracted to and how we can convey that in a profile.

I realized that Chelsea had a very different outlook on OkCupid, and thus what a profile should be like, than last week's Matchmaker, my brother Greg.  Whereas Greg wanted to emphasize romance, vulnerability, and include as much detail as possible, Chelsea feels that it's better to keep a dating profile short and sassy.  We took out a lot of the details and added some sass, like "My friend Chelsea is the Matchmaker this week, so impress us both."  This is usually not at all what my dating profiles are like, and that's a really interesting part of the experiment!  My profile usually isn't as romantic/vulnerable as what Greg and I wrote either, and it's interesting to see who responds to different profiles and how they respond.

And it touches on another purpose of the experiment: looking at my usual approach to dating and why it doesn't yield the results I want.  In this case, it's that I tend to be the Chill Girl: I go with the flow, try to be as low-maintenance and easy-going as possible.  This means that a) I have a lot of great guy friends, and b) I get Friend Zoned a lot.  Some guys like the Chill Girl (one ex thought it was hot that I own my own drill), but a lot of guys don't want to date a girl who is one of the guys.  I love my guy friends, and believe that it's really great for guys and girls to have platonic friendships because it helps to see the other gender's perspective.  But I also at times have gotten sick of hearing from guys I'm interested in, "You're a cool girl, but..."

Part of Chelsea's dating philosophy is that if you really clearly express what you want/need, it's easier for someone else to fulfill that want/need.  I think there's a lot of validity in that, but where is the line between being clear about your wants/needs, and being demanding or (the dreaded) high-maintenance?

I've started reading different dating blogs lately, and I read an article called Why You Need to Start Being More High Maintenance on a blog called Matching Up, written by two Beverly Hills Matchmakers (not my standard reading material, and thus fascinating).  This article was saying that as women who are taught to be fit, beautiful, with great careers and exciting lives, "we are taught to be high maintenance with our lives," but being high-maintenance in relationships is vilified.  She goes on to say that it's important to have standards, be clear about expectations, and "If you are low maintenance, you will be treated as such." oof. But I see what she means. If I act like one of the guys, I'm likely to be treated as one of the guys. And she says that guys take cues from how a girl treats herself, and how she allows others to treat her. Part of having standards is feeling like you have a lot to offer someone and it's worth their time and effort to treat you well.

I'm not hoping that anyone calls me "High Maintenance" any time soon, but I do see that my Chill Girl ways often meant that my relationships were always on the guy's terms.  It's good for me to be more empowered in my relationships, to feel that I have a say in what my relationships look like and how I am treated (aka Boundaries).  I've found a key distinction between Boundaries and Being Guarded is communication, being clear with yourself and others about where your boundaries are.  Maybe that's a difference between Having Standards and Being High Maintenance: being able to communicate your expectations in a calm, clear way vs. expecting someone to read your mind or throwing a fit if someone doesn't meet your expectations.  Definitely food for thought.

Another way that Chelsea's Matchmaker week has pushed my comfort zone: she wanted new photos.  Specifically ones that show me smiling with teeth (I hadn't realized that all of my photos had closed-mouth smiles) and that show off my body a bit more.  Don't worry, Mom, nothing scandalous- but the photos on the profile were all pretty conservative.  And with the previously discussed Marketing of Online Dating: if you've got it, flaunt it (tastefully).

As often happens when I push my comfort zone, some weird/gross narratives pop up like zombies from shallow graves.  In this case, narratives like: "You can be hot OR smart, not both," or "If you show off your body, people won't respect you."  Which when it boils down to it, is the same as "She was asking for it," or the recent banning of yoga pants in schools because they are "too distracting."  The message is that women are responsible for however other people respond to their bodies and clothing.  If a guy says or does something that you don't like it was really your fault, he couldn't help himself.  This narrative is harmful to men and women.  It makes a woman's sexuality scary and dangerous, where women can't take agency or enjoyment from their own bodies, and men are "helpless" and have no control over their actions.  No one wins.  I don't consciously ascribe to these beliefs, and it's frustrating sometimes to find them buried in my subconscious.

But it's also not entirely surprising, because these narratives are embedded in our culture and my own life.  I remember being 12 years old and feeling like I had to pick between being a "pretty girl" or a "smart girl."  I was a bookish, slightly chubby brunette in a beach town where the standard of beauty was blonde and thin.  So I chose "smart girl," and when that baby fat turned into curves I generally tried to hide my body so no one would "think less of me."  For many years it was hard for me to understand that anyone even could be physically attracted to me.  And though I've made progress on my body issues, I'm definitely still working on it.  In order to take the pictures Chelsea was asking for, I felt I needed some liquid courage (tequila).  But I did take them, and I'm actually rather proud of them.  To push myself toward being pretty, feminine, playful, and even dare I say sexy, is definitely good growth for me.  And I definitely appreciate Chelsea for giving me a loving shove in that direction.

I'm also optimistic that as a society we are becoming more aware of the messages we're sending to young women and men about sex, bodies, and responsibility.  An article titled "Instead of Banning Yoga Pants, Schools Should Crack Down on Harassment" includes examples of female students posting signs around their schools protesting the dress codes.  My middle school banned spaghetti strap tank tops and I never thought of fighting it, much less with a sign that includes the statement, "I'm a fifteen year old girl.  If you are sexualizing me, YOU are the problem."  Fuck yeah, girl.  And articles like Yes, You Can Be a Gentleman and Have Great Sex (and the Good Men Project in general) show that men are also ready for these attitudes to change.  I encourage everyone to be conscious of the way we talk about people's bodies and sexuality, both other people's and your own.
And when those gross zombie narratives come up, don't be afraid to go all Shaun of the Dead.

Why Guys Send Bad Messages, and a Key to Dating

As we wrapped up my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, one of his biggest surprises from the experiment was how many guys on OkCupid send bad/lame/boring messages.  He'd heard that guys send lame messages, but he was surprised that the majority of messages just said "hi" or "Hallo" or "how goes it" (sans question mark).  Since he puts a lot of thought and effort into the messages he sends to girls on OkCupid, he figured most guys did the same.  But that is not the case.

It was interesting for Greg, a man who uses OkCupid to meet women, to see what online dating is like from the female perspective and it gave him more empathy for women on OkCupid.  It also made him feel a bit better about messages he sends that don't get a response, because on the Matchmaker side he could see that sometimes the guy just wasn't a good match.  It wasn't that he was a bad guy or had sent a bad message, but he just wasn't a good fit.  (And sending a "Can a guy get a reply?" message, as one guy did this week, isn't going to help.)

As we talked about types of messages and getting responses, I noticed a word coming up: "human."  When a guy sent a message that showed he'd read my profile (instead of a copy & paste message) Greg felt like that guy was treating me like a human and trying to make a connection, and the guy seemed more human instead of a robot sending the same message over and over.

Greg said that when he's sent copy & paste messages it wasn't out of lack of respect, it was about self-defense.  We both can get emotionally attached to someone's online profile and when you spend a while crafting a message that doesn't get a response, it can be frustrating.  If he sends a form message, he doesn't get emotionally attached.  But then it lacks the humanity that he noticed reading impersonal messages.  It's about being vulnerable, which can be really difficult but also is important for connection.  If you haven't seen Brené Brown's TED Talk about The Power of Vulnerability, go watch it.  And then go buy one of her books.  Vulnerability is not something we particularly value in our society.  Especially as Americans, we value "strong" and "tough," and those are seen as mutually exclusive with "vulnerable."  Part of what I like about Brené Brown's work is that she shows that being vulnerable is not about being weak, it's about being real and honest (even in the title of her TED Talk: "The Power of Vulnerability").

This humanity/vulnerability issue taps into an idea I've been wanting to look at with Post-Modern Matchmaker: the goal of online dating is to create a connection, but I often find it to be frustrating, depressing, and alienating (as many others do).  So how can we make meeting people in the modern age more bearable, maybe even pleasant?

With or without an internet connection, how can we make meaningful human connections?

My solution was to add community: family and friends (and the blog).  It's definitely helped with some of the alienation, it is nice to be able to share the ups and downs and hear about other people's similar experiences.  Yet especially in the past few dates (Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date and Date #5: Smoothies, Unicorns, and Compatibility) I've been feeling the frustration again.  But the good news about the experiment is that each week we're trying new things and assessing what works and what doesn't.  Hopefully by the end of the experiment I'll have some answers, or at least more informed questions to ask!

Greg picked his 3 Matches:

• Bachelor #9: pretty sure his profile made me say "whoa" out loud.  Tall, smart, interesting, he says he's good at bear hugs and puns (all positives in my book).  Interestingly, he's in an open relationship with a girl he met on OkC.  Normally that would be a deal breaker for me, but in the experiment I think it's an interesting aspect to throw into the mix. 

• Bachelor #10: an Italian journalist who sent an initial message asking why I liked the movie Only Lovers Left Alive (on the profile I list is as my favorite movie of the year).  Greg sent a reply, and B#10 never replied to that message.

• Bachelor #11: he said he's "basically happy all the time," he does standup comedy, and his profile was fun and quirky.  He sent a message asking about the experiment, Greg sent a reply and he never replied. 

Greg and I were both kind of bummed that B#10 & B#11 were unresponsive, but B#9 and Greg had sent a few messages back and forth (and his messages were articulate and thoughtful).  Getting one really promising match seemed better than three lousy matches. 

B#9 and I talked on Sunday about setting up a date.  Greg had asked in a message what B#9 would suggest for a first date, and he had said going to a pizzeria.  But in a later email to me he said he had a better idea and suggested a sunset picnic at a lake nearby.  Two thumbs way up!  

I do think it's a bit funny because in the profile I'd written in the "You Should Message Me If" Section: "You enjoy a bit of romance, whether it’s a picnic in the park or watching the sunset."  It's more sappy than I'd usually get in a profile, but Greg really wanted to emphasize the romance/vulnerability in the profile.  And I thought it that was a good way to show that romance doesn't have to be fancy or expensive.  And unless it was a complete coincidence, B#9 read my examples of romantic dates and combined them.  I appreciate a guy who listens and is open to romance, so I think it's cute. 

But I don't think that being a flake is cute.  B#9 and I haven't communicated at all since Sunday, it's now Thursday and we planned a date for Friday (tomorrow).  Greg said I should text B#9 to remind him that we didn't set a time or meeting spot.  I probably will, but feel a bit annoyed and uneasy about it.  I've been noticing how much the communication leading up to a date indicates, in good ways (Date #5: Smoothies, Unicorns, and Compatibility) and bad (Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date).  Good pre-date communication feels like a sign of respect and consideration.  And it shows that you're thinking about the other person, that you're looking forward to seeing them.  Am I also resisting the vulnerability of sending him a text, possibly not getting a reply or getting a reply that he forgot about our date?  Yeah probably... which is why I'll send that text.  

However, dudes, I'm going on the record as saying: communication is key.  More than any door-opening or drink-buying, actually making a date (including time and location) is a really important part of being a good date and having a good date!

Edit: B#9 just texted me (Thursday evening), and did apologize for the lack of contact.  So I guess the date is on!

Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date

I was a bit nervous about writing this, because…I had a bad date.

I try to keep this blog pretty positive but there isn't a good way to sugar coat this, unless I just wrote, “We saw Guardians of the Galaxy and I enjoyed the movie.  The End.”  But that won’t do. 

So here we go.

Bachelor #6 was one of my cousin Emily’s picks in Week 3.  After I let him know he was part of the experiment, he sent me an email saying he was done with electronic communication and wanted to meet me.  At the end of the email in parentheses was his phone number and “Calling me is very cool.”  I’m not a big fan of calling people I don’t know, but part of my goal with this experiment is to push my comfort zone.  So I called him and left a voicemail, then he called me and left a voicemail.  We played phone tag for a few days (also texting back and forth trying to set a time to talk).  When we finally did talk, he let me know that he was going out of town for a few days and didn't know his work schedule for the next week.  He suggested coffee or drinks and I suggested seeing the movie Guardians of the Galaxy, because I hadn't seen it yet and had heard it was really good.  He said that sounded good, and he would let me know when he knew his work schedule.

More than a week went by, and I figured that he was blowing me off.  I mentally started writing a blog post about how both Bachelors that week had flaked. 

When he texted me (nine days after we’d talked on the phone) with a few days that week that would work for him, I was rather surprised.  

It was a good reminder that: 

a) I’m not a very patient person and/or 

b) my life moves at a rapid pace, and 

c) I need to be with someone who shares or at least understands that pace 

(which did not seem to be the case with Bachelor #6) 

I know that easy-going guys can be good for me, but there’s a difference between easy-going and “Where’d you go?”

But I put aside my doubts, we picked a day and a theater, and he said he would see if he could get free tickets from work.  A few days later he texted me to say that he couldn't get free tickets to that theater but had tickets to another theater nearby, could we meet there?  This struck me as a bit odd, but I said sure.  

A week and a half after our initial conversation and the day before our date, we set a time to meet.  He suggested getting a beer at a nearby deli before the movie. Again, it seemed odd to me to get a drink at a deli but I was trying to go with the flow so I agreed. 

The next evening, half an hour before we’re scheduled to meet, I get a text from B#6.  He says that the deli we were supposed to meet at is closed, so he’s going to a bar nearby.  I’d gotten caught up in work and was running 10 minutes late, and he’s already there 30 minutes early.  Oof.  Definitely a mismatch.  

When I got there he was sitting outside and we went into the bar to get a drink for me (he already had one) but then gave up and went back outside to wait for a server.  After a while I went back into the bar on my own to get a drink.  When I returned with a beverage, we talked for a bit and got to know each other.  I mentioned that I do standup comedy nearby, and he said, "Are you funny?" and told me about his roommate who tried standup and bombed.  When I told him that I lived in rural Montana for a bit he said, "Isn't all of Montana rural?"  I told him no, there are cities in Montana, and he replied, "Are you sure?  Or did people just tell you there are?"  At this point it was very clear to me that we don't have compatible senses of humor, because I think he was trying to make a joke but it came across as very rude to me. 

He complained about where he lives and where he works, but said he's hoping his current job will lead to better opportunities.  When we talked about where I live he said that he’s never been to my neighborhood or the surrounding neighborhoods (young, hip(ster) parts of LA) and doesn't even know where they are exactly.  This surprised me, because most 20-somethings in LA at least know those neighborhoods a bit.  I asked how long he’s been in LA and he said a year and a half; he moved out here for the opportunities in music and then adds, “and also to get away from an awful relationship.”  

This date helped me come up with a list of what I consider some General Rules for First Dates:

1. Don’t talk about Exes (there can be exceptions, but if at all possible, just don’t). 
2. Don’t talk about religion or politics (current events conversations are ok, but definitely avoid rants).
3. Generally, avoid rants.
4. Don’t talk about money (especially not about how much you do or don’t make).
5. Don’t Be Greedy and Don’t Be Cheap: Don’t order the most expensive thing off the menu, and don’t seem like you’re unwilling to spend money on a date.  I usually offer to split the bill with a guy or buy my own drink, but I do see it as gentlemanly if a guy does pay. 
6. Try to be nice, pleasant, and easy-going: try to put your best foot forward on a date.  You don’t have to pretend that everything is sunshine and roses, but don’t be the voice of Gloom & Doom.

Because on this date, Bachelor #6 broke all of the General Rules for First Dates:

1. He talked about two different ex-girlfriends, or one ex-girlfriend twice, I didn’t clarify.
2. We talked a bit about religion but it was rather innocuous, the politics part was actually more off-putting.  When talking about the Venice boardwalk, he said that he isn’t a fan of Capitalism (I’m not either, really) and that he likes walking around with all the weirdoes in Venice because he’s actually one of them but he “can hide it better.”  Eep.
3. The rant…I’ll write a separate paragraph about the rant.
4. Multiple references to being broke (I don’t have a lot of money either, but I don’t need to talk about it much).
5. He referenced the free movie tickets before the date and during the date (he actually had to pay $4 total at the box office, and he did cover that). 
6. He complained about where he lived, where he worked, and lots of other things.  He generally seemed rather negative.

I was relieved when it was time to head to the theater.  We watched the movie, and I thought it was a really fun movie.  It was definitely the best part of the date.  

As we were walking out of the movie theater, I was treated to a diatribe:

He started talking about a tv show he was watching lately, maybe Californication, that was talking about how movies are dying.  He realized that they were right, he barely goes to the movies anymore and usually just watches shows.  (Just as a reminder, I am a filmmaker, as in movies are my business and my passion.)  So as he is droning about the death of my industry, I’m wondering why anyone would talk about such a thing on a date, much less a classical musician.  I'm forcing a smile and trying to get through the end of this date.  When I tune back in he’s talking about how long Wagner’s works were and he wonders if we’re moving in the direction of seeing longer works like that in theaters.  It takes every ounce of my self-control to keep my eyes from rolling. 

As we part ways, he said that maybe he’ll call me or maybe I’ll call him. 

Spoiler alert: I did not call him.

(And luckily he didn't call me either.)

It is interesting though to think about General Rules for First Dates.  I sometimes get anxious and feel like I don’t know how to date, but clearly I have certain ideas about how one is supposed to behave on a first date.  Other people might have different rules, does anyone want to suggest other General Rules for First Dates?  Or think my rules are unfair?  When I write them out, it seems like a lot of topics not to talk about.  But those are generally the rules I adhere to for polite conversation with strangers, which is really what a first date is: spending some time with a stranger to figure out if you'd like to get to know each other better.  

Bachelor #6 would likely have different First Date Rules, but this date made it abundantly clear that we're incompatible in many ways!  I don't know if it was the worst date I've ever been on, but it's in the Top 5.  At least the movie was good!  

Week 5: Looking for Love...?

Usually at the start of Matchmaker weeks I have a phone call with the Matchmaker about how they think we should revise the OkCupid profile.  My brother Greg is the Matchmaker for Week 5, and we started a phone call to revise the profile but I had to leave for a concert (Andrew Bird at the Hollywood Bowl!).  Greg said he would write up what he thought should go in the profile, and I could look over it (we created a shared Google Doc because we're nerds).

Later that night I read over what he'd written.  In the last section of the profile, "You Should Message Me If," Greg had written:

"If you’re up for being part of a dating experiment where I really hope to fall in love."

I literally said "GAH!" out loud, like something had jumped out of my computer screen at me.  

And then I thought about it.  I mean...I guess I'm hoping to fall in love, generally.  It'd be great to find love/a serious relationship through the experiment, but I'm trying not to expect to meet the love of my life this way.  I don't want that to be the measure of the experiment, like if I meet "Mr. Right" then it's a success and if I don't meet "Mr. Right" the experiment was a failure (and I'm dying alone).  I feel like the experiment has already been beneficial: I'm learning about myself, my family and friends, dating, boundaries, compatibility, and more.  I hope that the experiment is not just educational for me, but can help the Bachelors and anyone reading the blog to think about and discuss dating/romance/love.  

So if I am (I guess...kinda sorta...) looking for love, should I say that I'm "really hope to fall in love" in a dating profile?  My first thought was that it would scare away guys, so it's interesting that my brother, a straight male who uses OkCupid, would be suggesting this.  We talked about it and he agreed that it might be a bit much.  He said he was trying to show vulnerability and emotion, because to him the blog was coming off like I was doing the experiment out of idle curiosity instead of a serious intention to find a relationship or love.  This surprised me, as I've tried to be very genuine and honest, and why would I date other than to find a relationship or love?  

Talking about the experiment with Greg reminded me that guys have many of the same concerns and suspicions about dating as women do.  I'm so used to the narrative that "women just want love" and "men just want sex" even though I know both of those aren't necessarily true (especially since I'm female and have a tough time saying I'm looking for love).  Greg said that some girls date out of boredom, or because they want guys to buy them things.  I usually date Project Guys, aka broke guys, so I've never understood dating to "get stuff," like fancy dinners or presents.  I've probably dated out of boredom, but I never want to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone.  I want to be with someone because I really like spending time with them, I like the way I feel around them, and I feel like we both help each other learn and grow.  And I think that's what most people want, regardless of gender.  

Revising the profile also showed that Greg and I sometimes see things SO differently.  Growing up we seemed like polar opposites: he had his nose in a book as much as humanly possible (even while walking or brushing his teeth), was a computer programmer and was on the Robotics Team; I was a writer, musician, and did every art form from theater to photography.  I felt like other people would try to put us in boxes: Greg was the "smart one" and I was the "creative one."  Luckily we never really bought into that and neither did our parents.  Greg and I are both smart, and both creative.  He enjoys creative endeavors: he's a designer as well as engineer, he goes to Burning Man every year and spins fire poi.  I also did well in school: taking AP & IB courses in high school, and graduating from high school and college with honors; I've even noticed that every Matchmaker's version of the profile says something about my brains.  As we've gotten older I see more of how similar Greg and I are, and how our different ways are two sides of the same coin.  

However, at times our differing viewpoints made revising the profile very challenging.  For example, Greg sees the phrase "dating experiment" as cold and uninviting, whereas I see it as fun and playful.  He's concerned that guys will see themselves as guinea pigs in the experiment, so he was often trying to emphasize vulnerability in the profile.  To me, the "experiment" part of it actually takes some of the stress off.  I'm a perfectionist, and when it comes to dating I get anxious about picking "the right guy" or "the right first-date outfit."  But an experiment is about trial and error: you try something, and if it doesn't work you try something else.  You don't have to get it right the first time, you learn and build your data set as the experiment progresses.  If the first round of an experiment doesn't go well, I doubt a scientist would eat a pint of ice cream and say they will never do an experiment again.  They'd figure out how to make the experiment better and try again. The experiment makes it easier for me to lean into the vulnerability, to see good dates or bad dates not as "success/failure" but learning opportunities about what makes a date "good" or "bad" and how to make dating the best possible experience for me and my dates.  

Greg is the first Matchmaker who has experience using OkCupid to message girls, so he had a unique perspective.  He was very focused on including details that a guy could send me a message about, because he gets frustrated by girls' profiles that don't give him good message opportunities.  For example, if the profile says I'm a "life-long learner" it doesn't give a guy much to send me a message about.  But if it says, "I’m a life-long learner - have you ever wondered where the phrase “get down to brass tacks” came from? I did too and asked the Google machine" then a guy can send me a message that asks "Where does the phrase 'get down to brass tacks' come from?"

I asked Greg about what kind of guy he thinks would be a match for me, and he said he didn't have a specific type of guy in mind.  After thinking for a bit he said, "Guys who are adventurous, at least somewhat stable and not particularly flakey...a little wild, but not to the point of being undependable."  I can agree with that.  I've definitely been with guys who are adventurous but not stable, and a few guys that are stable but not very adventurous.  Guys that are adventurous but stable, a bit wild but also dependable, seem to be hard to find.  

So let's go, OkCupid, give us your adventurous and stable!

Week 4: Michael's High Standards

Last week I wrote about Knowing What You Want vs. Being Picky and now we have an example of being picky (and it's not a bad thing): this week my friend Michael, Matchmaker #4, didn't find any guys that were up to his standards.

At first this made me really nervous.  Couldn't we just look at the messages again and find the least offensive guy or two?

But then I actually heard what Michael was saying: he didn't find anyone who he thought would actually be a good match and seemed up for the experiment.  So why would I go on dates with guys that clearly don't seem like good matches?  Whoa, standards.

There were a few interesting things that happened with messages this week:
When Michael and I revised the OkCupid profile for this week, he wanted to add more specific biographical information, like where I grew up, went to school, places that I traveled to.  I thought this was interesting and might give guys some good conversation starters.

We also took out the intro paragraph that described the experiment, instead we added in the "You should message me if" section, "You're open to being part of a dating experiment called Post-Modern Matchmaker (my friend Mike is using the profile to be a Matchmaker for me this week)."  We thought that the long description at the start of the profile might have been scaring guys off, and one sentence later in the profile might yield some promising matches.

Instead, we got a lot of messages that just said, "Hi." or "How are you" (yes, sans question mark).

.facepalm.

Only one guy referred to the specific info we included, he sent a message that just said he'd gone to the same university I had.  Another guy sent a message that just said, "you remind me of my best friend Brandy."  Cool?  How is someone supposed to respond to that?  Pre-experiment I never responded to message that just say "Hi" or "How are you" because if a guy can't come up with something more interesting than that, I don't want to date him (also, punctuation is required).  When a guy sends a message that is just a statement (no questions), I also usually find it unappealing.  I've been on plenty of dates with guys who only talk about themselves and don't ask me any questions, so why respond to an OkCupid message that is basically the same thing?  With the experiment, when someone else is using the profile, it's even more awkward.  It's weird for the Matchmaker to send a message as though they're me, but when they send a message that it's the Matchmaker, guys don't usually respond.

One guy sent a message that said, "OKC keeps thrusting me on your direction so I thought I'd drop you a line and have a sample of your wit!:)"  I see that as saying "Make me laugh to convince me to be interested in you!" but Michael liked him so he sent a message to tell that guy about the dating experiment and if he had any questions about me Michael could answer them.  No response.

After several days with no matches that he liked, Michael suggested that I start using QuickMatch to rate some guys' profiles.  It's based on a 5 star system, and if you rate someone 4 or 5 stars OkCupid sends them a message saying that you like them.  If you both rate each other 4 or 5 stars, you both get a message.  We got some mutual 4 or 5 star ratings, but none of those guys sent messages.  Michael sent one of them a message explaining the experiment and seeing if he would be interested in meeting up.  No response.

Where are the adventurous men in LA?  I see so many photos on OkCupid of skydiving or Burning Man, are guys really that scared of a dating experiment?

Michael was also surprised by the response (or lack thereof).  He's been with his boyfriend for a while, but when he was single and on OkCupid guys sent more messages that seemed like they'd actually read his profile.  It seemed to him like people are putting less time and thought into messages than they used to.  I think it may be because of apps like Tinder and Grindr, in which messaging is more like instant messaging/texting, whereas OkCupid is more like email.  OkCupid does have an app, so if guys are basically using OkCupid like Tinder then sending a message that just says, "hi" makes a little more sense.  It's still annoying/boring.  The irony of so many forms of communication and less meaningful communication.

There was another interesting twist on the experiment this week: my cousin Emily (Matchmaker #3) has a friend whose younger brother's best friend lives in San Diego and she thought he might be interested in the experiment.  After reading the blog, he sent an OkCupid message this week, so we'll call him Bachelor #8.  It's a significant distance between LA and San Diego so I don't know how soon we'll be able to meet up, but I couldn't pass up a cousin's friend's brother's friend story.

It got me thinking about a variation on the experiment: I want to see if my friends and family would set me up with guys they know in real life.  So dearest family and friends reading this, if you know of a single guy in my age range who might be a good match, will you find out if he would be a part of the experiment?  If he is interested, let me know!  Online profiles are subject to the Marketing of Dating, and I'm very curious to see what kind of matches would happen when the matchmaker actually knows both people.  I have a few more Matchmakers lined up, but I'm hoping to move toward real life matches in a few weeks.

In other news, I'm still working on scheduling a date with Bachelor #6.  It's been almost two weeks.  I'm not a patient person!

Week 3: Knowing What You Want vs. Being Picky

My cousin Emily was the Matchmaker for Week 3, and when we were wrapping up her Matchmaker week I asked her if she has any dating advice for me.  She said a phrase that I've often heard, which most single people dread:

"You need to figure out what you want."  

I like to think I know what I want, I could write a page or two of qualities that I'm looking for in a guy.  But then I feel like people would tell me I'm "too picky."

Is that the fate of the single person, you "need to figure out what you want" but if you know what you want you're "too picky"?

I know some people get too focused on specific (often superficial) details.  If I'll only date brunette millionaire Harvard grads who are 6ft or taller, I'm significantly reducing the number of guys I can date (especially since I'm not in millionaire and/or Harvard social circles).  But if I want to date an emotionally mature, financially stable, kind, down-to-earth guy with a good sense of humor, am I being "picky"?  Where's the line between having standards and having a laundry list?

Emily said that she had been too picky, so a few years ago she decided to give everybody a chance and it helped her figure out what she really wanted.  She and her boyfriend had known each other for several years through friends and they initially didn't get along very well.  As they spent more time together she realized that she liked how she felt around him.  And he fit other criteria she had: physically active, independent, doesn't play games, and she didn't have to give up her high heels.

One goal of this experiment is to give guys a chance that I normally wouldn't.  But my dating history suggests that I could be a bit more discerning.  In the past 6 years of being "single" I've dated/been involved with a wide range of guys: hippies who lived in buses, anarchists, a writer/director, an accountant, a bartender, and a compulsive liar.  I was trying to be open to anything and along the way some standards developed: I will only date guys who live in a permanent structure (house, apartment, etc), no long-distance, must have compatible senses of humor, not bats#%t crazy.

I prefer to date guys that are taller than me, and some people seem to consider that "picky."  Is being "picky" about physical/superficial things?  But attraction is at least somewhat physical/superficial, and how much can we change what we're attracted to?  No one will match every quality you're looking for, but where is the line between compromise and settling?  How about the differences between the type of guys I say I want to date and the guys I actually get involved with?  Lots of questions to ponder...


At the end of her Matchmaker week, Emily picked two guys:

Bachelor #6 is a church-going music teacher who says he's a good listener (interestingly, he is from Georgia, where Emily currently lives).

Bachelor #7: Emily described him as a male version of me, in his profile he says he's "A witty, goofy, introspective, serious spaz."  Differences between us: he's 39 years old, one inch taller than me, and has a red "Jew-fro."

She said they both "seemed intriguing and not your normal choices, but not going to piss you off either."  I contacted both bachelors, and Bachelors #6 and I are working on scheduling a date.  Bachelor #7 has not responded, so the trend of one bachelor per week being a flake continues.  It is odd to me that it's such a high flake rate, but thankfully I just see it as a statistic of the experiment and I don't take it personally!

We also started a new Matchmaker Week!  The Matchmaker for Week #4 is my friend Michael.  He and I went to high school and part of college together, and traveled in Europe together during college.  He's the first male Matchmaker of the experiment, so we'll see how his perspective is different!

Week 2 Matchmaker: Tracy

The second Matchmaker is a film school friend, Tracy.  I think Tracy will be an interesting Matchmaker because she and I are very different: we both work in film, but I'm the weirdo-artsy-writer-director-type and she's the polished-professional-casting-type.  One thing we do have in common is frequent tales of dating woes.  She also uses online dating sites, and has been far more persistent in her approach.  My habit has been to use OkCupid for a bit, get disenchanted (and/or super busy with work), and de-activate my account for several months.  Until I'm bored again, log back in, and the cycle repeats.  I'm curious to see what kind of guys Tracy will match me with, are they similar to the type of guys she would date?  She's making changes to the OkCupid profile now (each Matchmaker will tailor the profile to their perception of me and how they think I should be portrayed to potential suitors) and is starting her search!

Updates on our Week 1 Bachelors: 
Bachelor #1 and I have a date set for this weekend, and he likes the idea of the California Science Center!  We texted a bit and he seems nice.

Bachelor #2 emailed that he is under the weather and asked for a rain check on our drinks date.

Bachelor #3 just emailed me (I hadn't heard from him and thought maybe he had changed his mind!) and likes the idea of an art museum date, so we'll figure out a time.


Observations about the experiment so far:
As someone who doesn't talk about her dating life much publicly, it's really interesting to get a lot of feedback on the experiment and bachelors.  Especially because the feedback is from people that I wouldn't normally talk about potential dates with, not only peers but also people who have been married for many years (and thus have a different perspective on dating than single 20-somethings).

For me it brings up really interesting ideas about technology, community, and isolation.  I see so many articles that decry Facebook because it isolates us and makes us feel inadequate/jealous.  But to me, technology is a tool and how you use it determines how it affects your life.  Facebook can create (or facilitate) community, and allow you to communicate with people that you otherwise couldn't or wouldn't.  By no means do I think it replaces face-to-face interactions, but I enjoy that it helps me stay in touch my family and friends around the world.  I also love that it allows people from very different parts of my life to interact.  For example, both a former boss and my best friend's mom had the same reaction to Bachelor#2 shooting down the date idea (they saw it as a Red Flag).

It reminds me of when dating was a more communal endeavor, like in high school and who you were dating was public knowledge, or in small towns/villages where everyone would voice opinions about your beaus, or many years ago when when a family member had to chaperone dates.  This is part of why I called the experiment Post-Modern Matchmaker (and I'll write a post soon with more explanation of that).  Modern dating can be so isolated, my friends have rarely met anyone that I've dated in the past several years and my family hasn't met any of them.  It's interesting to add a community element (often associated with small town/Old World) to Big City Modern Dating.  But how much will I like it if/when the community consensus and I disagree?  About the B#2 Red Flag, I'm in agreement.  We'll see about what other issues come up as the experiment progresses!

Happy Friday!

Week 1: Mom Picks Potential Beaus

The Week 1 results are in!  My mom couldn't narrow it down to three, so she picked four and I vetoed one.
I've responded to their OkCupid messages to let them know that they've been picked, and asked them to email me at the Postmodern Matchmaker gmail account to make plans for a date.  My mom also made suggestions for what the date would be (this wasn't required, but my mom is a planner and I think she wanted something more interesting than standard drinks dates).

My mom put real thought into her choices and they are all different than guys I would usually go on dates with, so I figured I'd give a little explanation of each (OkCupid usernames will not be included to protect privacy).

Bachelor #1 is a film student, baseball and hockey fan, whiskey connoisseur, and Eagle Scout.

Mom approved factors: Boy Scout (remember, she literally said that's something she was looking for?  I took it mostly metaphorically, but it is a bonus for her), film student (I went to film school and work in film), he says he enjoys adventures.

Why he's not My Normal Type: Boy Scout + the superhero references = reminds me of my brother (my brother is an Eagle Scout and very into comics/Geek culture), film student (film school was fun but was 5 years ago for me), and his profile says "Mostly Monogamous" (a problem I sometimes have with OkCupid is too much information/not enough context.  What does "Mostly Monogamous" mean to him?).

Date Mom Suggested: California Science Center, where the Space Shuttle Endeavour is, they also have many other exhibits including one on Pompeii.
(P.S. Why is the Space Shuttle Endeavour spelled differently than the word "endeavor"??  I looked it up like 3 times to check.  I assume with a "u" it's the British spelling, but it's an American Space Shuttle...I digress)


Bachelor #2 is a lawyer who is currently working in tech, and doesn't have a whole lot of info on his profile.

Mom approved factors: He's lived in several different states (as I have), one of his photos is with his family, and he's about the same age as I am and lives nearby.

Why he's not My Normal Type: He's a lawyer (my dad is a lawyer, so I generally avoid dating lawyers.  Also I figure they're rather by-the-book types, not compatible with artsy moi), I don't get a lot from his profile.

Date Mom Suggested: The Travel Town Museum in Griffith Park, or a picnic in the park.
(Edit: B#2 is the first to respond to my message and struck down the Travel Town Museum idea for dinner/drinks)


Bachelor #3 is a writer, for tv and an art magazine, nature-lover, and apparently was a Geek on the reality tv dating show Beauty and the Geek.

Mom approved factors: He's vegetarian (as I am), likes Joshua Tree (as I do), is smart and his profile is funny.

Why he's not My Normal Type: He's 5'5" (two inches shorter than I am, and I pretty much only date guys that are significantly taller than I am).  Other than that, he's very much the type of guy I'm interested in.

Date Mom Suggested: She sent me a link to a list of free museums in LA and we were looking at different options.  Since he writes for an art magazine I suggested an art museum or gallery and asked for his input.


Overall observations:
-I'm glad the guys my mom picked are all very different, and all different from the type of guys I would normally date.  Good job, Mom!
-OkCupid has a LOT of information on profiles, and it took a bit of time for my mom to adapt to reading all the different information.
-It's generally quite funny to browse OkCupid profiles with my mom, and it was interesting to see what information stood out to each of us, and if it was positive or negative.
-We got a few form messages (a message a guy clearly sends to every girl).  This surprised my mom, but I told her it's just like a pickup line that a guy uses on every girl in a bar.  For some guys it's a numbers game, and if they send the same message to everyone they can send more messages.  But it's a big negative for me, I'm very unlikely to message a guy back if he sent a generic message.  My mom agreed, and all 3 guys she picked had sent messages that showed they'd read the profile.
-Although I have bits of my normal dating anxiety, I'm genuinely looking forward to meeting all three of these guys because they're different!  I'm intrigued by what I'm learning about what I'm looking for, what my mom values, and about the differences in dating now vs. the 1970's & 80's.  I'm really glad my mom and I are talking about dating now, it's made me realize how little we talked about it before.


Also, now that my mom's week as Matchmaker has ended, a new Matchmaker is taking over the account!  My friend Tracy is the next Matchmaker.  We've been friends since film school and always swap dating/love life (horror) stories.  She tends to date very different guys than I do, so I'm quite curious to see what kind of guys she will pick!

Week 1 Matchmaker: Mom

Week 1 Matchmaker: Mom

My mom is awesome.  If you've met my mom, you know that she's one of the sweetest, kindest people you'll ever meet.  We're close and she's really supportive, which I really appreciate because I've thrown her a fair number of curveballs over the years, including this latest one: "I'm doing a dating experiment, would you pick some guys for me to date?"  After some protestations about never having been on a dating site (my parents have been married for 30+ years), she agreed.

Here's the funny thing: I don't usually talk to my mom about my love life.  I used to talk to her about boys when I was growing up although I don't think she was my tell-all confidant, I think she probably knew what boys I had crushes on.  I should ask her about how much I did tell her then, sometimes we remember things very differently!

At some point in college I found that my mom had a tendency to ask about my love life at unfortunate times, through no fault of her own (my love life is usually tumultuous), usually when a guy hadn't texted/called or things weren't going well or it seemed like guy I was crushing on was not reciprocally crushing.  Being a fairly practical person I decided that it was best for both of us if I stopped telling her about my love life, so that way she wasn't accidentally bringing up injurious information.

Only when we started talking about this experiment did I realize that my parents haven't met a guy I've been involved with in the past 10 years (since high school).  They met the guys I dated in high school, but I've only had one "boyfriend" since high school and that was only a brief summer thing several years ago (he was supposed to come to one family event and bailed, and my mom still holds it against him).
I haven't been sitting home knitting cat sweaters, in the past 10 years I've been "involved with" or "hanging out" (or hooking up) a smattering of boys, more recently graduating to the Man-Child category.  These guys often "don't believe in labels" which also usually means "Not A Guy You Introduce To Your Parents."  And much of the past 10 years I've been "undateable" for various reasons: recovering from a brutal breakup, traveling around the world, focusing on film school, bouncing around the country working on farms, or focusing on my career.  But now I have no excuses left.  I've been back in LA for over 2 years, I'm no longer working 80 hour weeks, I have the time and attention span to date someone (I think).  Maybe that's why the "guys I usually date" have become the sore thumb, the one thing that hasn't changed.

I wouldn't lie to my mom about dating (honesty is quite important in our family), I just didn't volunteer a lot of information.  If she asked what I was doing that night and I had a date, I would tell her.  I would sometimes tell her about a guy I'd been involved with, but usually after it was already over.  I'm talking to her more about dating now because of this experiment.  It's funny to hear about the differences between dating now and in the 1970s.  My mom was amazed how my brother or I can know that we don't want to date someone after one date.  I'm looking forward to hearing what she thinks of OkCupid, the amount of information that you can see about someone, what guys write, etc.

I'm very curious to see what kind of guys my mom thinks I should date, and what kinds of guys on OkCupid think they're Mom Approved.  Guys will sometimes post on their profiles that they're the type of guy you could take home to your parents, but are those the types of guys that my parents would actually approve of? Will my mom pick guys that she would've dated when she was my age?  My dad was a Rebel Without A Pause when they met, he was a bouncer, rode a motorcycle, etc.  Will my mom set me up with guys like that, or Nice Guys? Somewhere in between?

Stay tuned, only time will tell!

The Post-Modern Matchmaker Experiment

My name is Jean, and I'm starting a Dating Experiment called Post-Modern Matchmaker.

Aim: To try dating different types of guys than I usually do, and learn about what types of guys my friends and family think would be a good fit for me.  (And hopefully to write about it in an entertaining way.)

Materials: I've set up an OkCupid account, an email account, and this blog (postmodernmatchmaker.blogspot.com) solely for this experiment.

Procedure: I will ask family members and friends (one at a time) to be the Matchmaker for a week, and use the OkCupid account (or other methods) to select 3 potential suitors.  Then I will set up dates with said potential suitors (I am allowed to veto one of their choices if I want).  I will write about the process (selection of suitors and dates) and the Matchmaker is welcome to write guest posts.

Participants: The first Matchmaker will be my mom, then I'll ask other friends and family.  Potential suitors must live in the greater Los Angeles area.

Explanation:
I have terrible taste in men.  I even do stand up comedy about it, and though it's great that people always laugh about the compulsive liar I dated or the guys who lived in buses, I personally am rather sick of the type of guys I get involved with.  I'm not one of those girls who "only dates assholes," I'm drawn to guys that "have a lot of potential."  Unfortunately, they usually seem to have little intention of realizing said "potential."  And as well-intentioned as dating Guys with Potential can be, it's also thinly disguised Dating-Someone-To-Change-Them, which we all know is Dating No-No #415.

Recently I started thinking, how could I meet different types of guys?  I've tried OkCupid several times over the years and usually met guys that I have lots of common interests with but no chemistry.  Tinder...ugh, Tinder sometimes made me laugh and sometimes made me want to weep for humanity.  I went on one Tinder date, and he was a nice guy but we had no chemistry.  So the guys I meet online are usually nice guys I'm not attracted to, and the guys I meet in real life I'm attracted to but there's not much relationship potential.

But what if I wasn't the one picking the guys?  What guys would my mom, or my best friend, think I would be good with?  The people who already know and love me (and have heard about my boy drama for so many years) might see different things in potential suitors than I do.  And I'm genuinely curious about what kind of guys they would pick.  Whether it yields an actual relationship for me or not, I feel like I could learn about who they think would be compatible with me, what their dealbreakers are.

So we embark on this experiment.  Because, Science!