Part 2 of 2: The Brain, Being a Ferrari, and Letting It Go

At the end of Part 1 I was writing about my frustrations with being a calm, rational person in most areas of my life, but being *ahem* not so calm or rational when it comes to my love life (especially breakups).

I started to see this as the literally different parts of the brain (I studied Neuroscience a bit in college and find it fascinating), so I’m going to talk nerdy to you for a minute.  In the human brain the Neocortex is “involved in higher functions such as sensory perception, generation of motor commands, spatial reasoning, conscious thought and language.”  Let’s call this the Mammalian Brain, which I see as the part of my brain that understands reason and logic.

But buried underneath the Mammalian Brain we have the same parts of the brain as all other vertebrates: sections that control lower brain functions like heart rate, breathing, body temperature and balance. Let’s call this the Reptilian Brain, which I see this as the part of the brain that doesn’t give a fuck about reasons. It sees things as yes/no, fight/flight, kill/be killed, and there no space for the nuance of the Mammalian Brain.

(Disclaimer: The Mammalian Brain/Reptilian Brain division is a way that I had been explaining this dilemma to my friends, when I did more research I found that the terms are used in Paul MacLean’s model called the Triune Brain, which is criticized for being overly simplistic.  I recognize that the brain is ridiculously complex, and I think they’re useful terms in this context but this is not intended to be Neuroscience 101. If you’re interested in the intricate workings of the brain, there's lots of info online or find some Neuroscience textbooks.)

For much of the past few months my Mammalian Brain and my Reptilian Brain have been yelling at each other, and I’m working on how to get them to cooperate rather than fight. For example, my Mammalian Brain will say that there are lots of guys in LA and statistically speaking there must be straight, single, monogamous guys that I’m attracted to who are also attracted to me, and I just have to be patient. But my Reptilian Brain doesn’t understand statistics, anything theoretical, or patience, so it says, “Where are these guys? I don’t see them, they don’t exist!  You're definitely dying alone!” The Mammalian Brain replies with some logical, reasoned response, which the Reptilian Brain cares not a whit about.  And they go back and forth like this.  It's exhausting.  

In Episode 4 of the Love Hurts series in the Strangers podcast, Lea Thau interviews a guy, Joe, who had wanted to date her but the feeling wasn't mutual.  Part of the mismatch was that he’d developed emotional intimacy with her by listening to her podcast, but that didn't allow her to develop the same intimacy with him (which was interesting to me in the context of this blog).  She used to be concerned that talking about her personal life in the podcast could hurt her dating life, and Joe says that he thinks it will filter out the wrong people and the right guys will like her more for it.  Then he adds, “This isn’t for the faint of heart. You’re not for the faint of heart. You’re kind of like a Ferrari, this barely street legal car with license plates,” and Lea laughs at being compared to a Ferrari.  He adds that most people are looking for a Camry and “the fact that few people are compatible and want this does not make it an inferior thing.”  Oof.  For me, Joe hit the nail on the head. I've often wondered, “What’s wrong with me?” with regards to dating.  I've also often thought that I’m not for the faint of heart.  I don’t try to make things difficult, I’m not high maintenance, but my life just tends to be...complicated.   As Joe says, “It’s not that you’re crazy, I recognize that you’re fairly rational, but I just feel like there’s so much passion and intensity there. There’s just a huge amount of horsepower under the hood…”  Joe doesn't see this as a bad thing, it sounds like the passion and intensity is what he liked about Lea and the fact that few people are compatible makes it more special when someone is compatible.

I've dated guys who were too intense for me, but I've felt too intense for others.  When I’m getting to know someone, I’m usually holding back quite a bit until I feel like they can really handle it.  Joe calls Lea out on trying to turn down her horsepower because she’s worried that it will scare guys away, that she’s trying to pretend she’s a Camry instead of a Ferrari, when it’s better to just own it.  Honestly, one of the big things I miss about being with B#9 is that I didn't have to pretend to be a Camry.   I don’t think he totally understood the intensity, but he wasn't afraid of it and seemed in ways to enjoy it. I didn't feel like “Too Much.”  I believe it’s what they call Acceptance: people who like you exactly as you are, and aren't telling you (directly or indirectly) to think less, feel less, talk less or be less.  So Acceptance is something I'm moving up the priorities list in friends and potential romantic partners.

I recently saw the movie Frozen for the first time, and noticed themes of acceptance.  In both "Let It Go" and "For The First Time in Forever," Elsa sings, “Don't let them in, don't let them see/Be the good girl you always have to be/Conceal, don't feel.”  This resonated a lot with me, as with many people, which I think this is part of why Frozen is popular with adults as well as kids. In searching for the lyrics I found interpretations of Elsa as queer or anorexic and lots of different interpretations abound on the internet.  Many people hide who they really are for many different reasons, and can see themselves in Elsa.  Growing up I was told I was "too sensitive," so I tried to hide how much I felt (about everything).  I'm trying to Let It Go, take the gloves off and stop hiding, and it's a daily challenge.  Writing this, being really honest about the heartache and arguments in my brain, is even part of it.

There are theories that what we're attracted to in others shows the areas we need to heal with ourselves (a very hippie explanation of this).  I've been trying to be aware of this with B#9: I was so drawn to how kind and accepting he is, so I'm trying to be more kind and accepting to myself (and others).  Not trying to "be an island," but perhaps if I can be kind and nurturing to myself it can ease the grip that attachment has on me.  Or at least I'll be less of an asshole to myself.  

Lastly, a friend shared an excerpt about Heartbreak from David Whyte today, and I was quite moved by it.  It's quite long, but I'll share a few parts:

"Heartbreak is an indication of our sincerity: in a love relationship, in a life’s work, in trying to learn a musical instrument, in the attempt to shape a better more generous self. Heartbreak is the beautifully helpless side of love and affection and is just as much an essence and emblem of care as the spiritual athlete’s quick but abstract ability to let go. Heartbreak has its own way of inhabiting time and its own beautiful and trying patience in coming and going.

Heartbreak is how we mature; yet we use the word heartbreak as if it only occurs when things have gone wrong: an unrequited love, a shattered dream, a child lost before their time. Heartbreak, we hope, is something we hope we can avoid; something to guard against, a chasm to be carefully looked for and then walked around...

…If heartbreak is inevitable and inescapable, it might be asking us to look for it and make friends with it, to see it as our constant and instructive companion, and even perhaps, in the depth of its impact as well as in its hindsight, to see it as its own reward. Heartbreak asks us not to look for an alternative path, because there is no alternative path. It is a deeper introduction to what we love and have loved, an inescapable and often beautiful question, something or someone who has been with us all along, asking us to be ready for the last letting go."

Part 1 of 2: Strangers, The "Crazy," and Why I'm Single

Ah Valentine’s Day, my least favorite holiday. The first time I had a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day, at sixteen, my boyfriend told me at lunch that sometimes he thinks he’s gay.  He wasn't breaking up with me or coming out (we’re still Facebook friends and he’s not gay), it just somehow came up in conversation.  Being a teenager can be rather confusing.  So if you think that being single for Valentine's Day is the worst, I'm here to tell you that sometimes you're better off being single.  I still kind of dread the holiday, but my friend Keir’s Valentine’s Tune always cheers me up a bit!  (Warning: song contains NSFM language)

It's been a while since I've written and there's been so much on my mind I've made this a two-part entry!

The Old: I’m still not dating anyone, and rather disinterested in online dating.  I meant to de-activate my OkCupid account but kept forgetting. The inbox is full and I deleted the app off my phone, so it’s achieves the same end (not having to check messages) but I know I should actually deal with it sooner or later.

The New: I've been forcing myself to talk to strangers in real life, especially cute guys, and it’s getting easier!  I was at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah for about five days, in LA for about 2 days, then in Panama for a week on vacation with my family.  I learned you really can just walk up to a guy and say hi, and got a little Sundance-mance out of it!  I went from snow to the tropics in a matter of days, saw movies and talked to lots of people about my film, then swam in the ocean, kayaked in the jungle and fed a monkey.  And now I get to refocus on running a business and making a movie.   Life is good, and busy.  And still sometimes, a bit lonely.

During my travels I started listening to the podcast Strangers, because a friend who also recently went through a breakup recommended the episodes called Love Hurts (parts 1-4).  At first I thought, “The last thing I need right now is to listen to something called ‘Love Hurts.’”  But I downloaded an episode and was instantly hooked.  In these episodes the host, Lea Thau, is trying to understand why she’s been single for four years.  She interviews guys she’s dated, a guy who wanted to date her but the feeling wasn't mutual, a Love Coach, and an author of a book about being single.  Although she has some different circumstances (she has a child, and is in her early forties), there is a lot that I relate to.  As the episodes progress, she mentions reactions to the episodes: some people say it’s so uncomfortable to hear about her dating struggles, but many people are saying that it’s great to hear because it makes them feel less alone.  Perhaps that’s the most ironic thing about loneliness: we tend to think we’re the only ones who feel it.

I'm reading Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly and in her research on shame she found that the best way to combat shame is to talk about it.  So after a few months of hiding in my Cave of Solitude, I decided that Valentine's Day was a good time to write about what I've been learning from/about heartache and heartbreak.  It's easy on Valentine's Day for happily coupled people to see other happily coupled people, but it's also easy for unhappily single people to feel like they're the only ones.  You're not alone, sunshine, even in your loneliness.

The truth is: the breakup with Bachelor #9 was tough. The actual breakup wasn't bad, as I said in the blog post at the time, it was probably the healthiest breakup I’d ever had. For a few days I was amazed at how ok I was. And then I spent about the next two months under a dark cloud. I often wore all black or grey, even when I tried to convince myself to wear colors. I could not get myself to care about dating at all. I was rather depressed, and ashamed that I was depressed. We’d only dated for a month, and I knew it couldn't work long-term (aside from his existing relationship which he is committed to long-term, I don’t know if we really have enough in common) so what the hell is wrong with me? I could remind myself of all the reasons that we’d broken up, the main reason being that I found polyamory too difficult and wanted to create space for a monogamous relationship. Part of my brain understood the reasons and would repeat them over and over when I missed him, trying to make the reasons bigger than the sadness. But another part of my brain would remember how I felt when he held my hand, or the way he used to look at me, or just how much I enjoyed spending time with him, and none of the reasons mattered anymore.

This started to make me feel crazy.  I felt out of control of my feelings, my thoughts, even the colors I wore.  He and I didn't talk for a month, but that didn't help.  I felt like I was holding my breath for a month, which is not usually what "moving on" feels like.  When we started to talk again, I've found being friends is tougher than I expected.  Some friends have told me to cut all contact, which I don't want to do, but then I feel like I shouldn't tell them when being in contact with him is difficult.  And I realized, this is why I'd been single for so long: I'd seen this "crazy" side of me before, and had wanted to avoid it at all costs.

When I was a senior in high school I started dating a guy and we quickly fell deeply in love with each other.  I was so happy, as long as we were together I didn't care what else was going on.  I'd never felt that way about anyone and it was incredible.  For two years we had a very loving but tumultuous relationship.  We broke up a few times and got back together, so it took me a while to realize that the last time we broke up, it was for real.  And then I literally thought I was going to die of heartbreak.  For two years, I didn't date or get involved with anyone.  When my heart finally healed I thought, "Been there, done that, never need to do that again."  And I haven't been in a serious relationship since.  That was almost ten years ago, Lea Thau, if that makes you feel any better.

I've dated, been in relationships that we didn't call relationships, I even had a boyfriend for a few months (a summer romance, six years ago).  I thought that if you aren't officially together you can't really break up, and if I didn't have breakups I couldn't get my heart broken.  Both of those are false, and I was even more ashamed to be upset over a breakup of a non-official-relationship.  I've even fallen in love (though never told any of the guys that I loved them) and had my heart broken.  But almost all of them were relationships I knew could never work long-term, so if I let myself fall it was my own damn fault.  I should have known better, and controlled my feelings better (hah!).  I wanted to avoid that bone-crunching level of heartbreak so I tried to not get too close to anyone, or cut it off if we were getting too close.  Even with B#9, I ended it because I had fallen for him.  At the start our relationship I hoped that I would learn that I could have a meaningful relationship, it could end, and I would be ok.  Instead I landed at, "I Should Never Date Anyone, Ever."

My "crazy" isn't even all that crazy: I don't stalk people, I don't send lots of text messages or call repeatedly, or other stereotypical "scorned woman" behavior.  But I stew about things, talk to my friends about it, and generally just drive myself crazy.  For example, when B#9 took several days to respond to a text (post-breakup and post-month-of-silence), I did not send him angry texts or emails or call him demanding to know if he was ever going to respond.  But I was upset about it and after a (male) friend gave me a "He's Not Into It" talk I cried on his couch until he convinced me to go drink the sadness away.  And I hate being that person, someone who needs a "He's Not Into It" talk, who panics if a text message isn't replied to in 24 hours, who can convince herself that he never actually cared or meant anything he said.  I hate knowing all the reasons I shouldn't want to be with someone, yet part of me still wanting to be with that person.  In the rest of my life I'm not that person, I'm level-headed and calm under pressure, and it often surprises people when they see this other side.  It even surprises me sometimes, and I don't think anyone likes feeling "crazy."

More on trying to understand the different parts of me and parts of my brain in Part 2!