Week 2: In Which Things Don't Go As Planned

I wish I could tell you that when you decide to write publicly about your dating life, that it always goes smoothly.  I also wish that I could tell you that when your dating experiment is not going as planned, that it's easy to not take it personally.  But that is not the case.

Week 2 did not go as planned, in ways that were scientifically interesting but at times personally disheartening.  My friend Tracy was the Matchmaker for Week 2, and made a few little changes to the profile (I've encouraged the Matchmakers to change whatever they like each week).

She changed:

• the profile picture 
• added her input to the "I'm really good at" section (if other people are helping me find dates I'll let them help me brag too!)
• she changed the methodology a bit by sending messages to guys (which my mom had not), saying that she was looking for matches for her friend and she thought that guy would be a good match and to check out the profile.  

And then, there was no response.

To be honest, before we started the experiment I had been worried about a lack of willing participants.  But we'd gotten a fair number of messages from guys the first week, so I wasn't worried about it for Week 2.  

My mom was an OkCupid novice, so I decided to keep it simple and not ask her to send messages to guys.  I figured since Tracy was sending initial messages to guys Week 2, we should get a great response.
However, one guy sent a message back saying that he had just started seeing someone.  Another guy sent a message back that said he didn't want to go out with someone just because their friend or mom thought they should and he didn't want to be blogged about, even anonymously (well, now he is anyway, sorry not sorry dude).

And then, deafening silence. 
I was a bit taken aback.  And embarrassed.  Very little had changed about the profile from Week 1 to Week 2, but the response was drastically different.

This week I learned that one profile picture can make a big difference.

Tracy had asked me about whether she should use that profile photo or not before she changed it.  I didn't think it was a flattering photo of me, but I often don't like photos of myself (same as most people) and since I'd handed the controls over to Tracy I told her to use whatever photo she wanted.

About halfway through the week, when I was particularly down about the lack of response, I mentioned it to a friend and she asked to see the current profile photo and the photo used in Week 1.  I showed her both photos and she pointed out that in the Week 2 photo (which was not getting a positive response) I had a rather forced smile, and in the Week 1 photo (which got a good response) I had a genuine smile which was inviting.  In one photo I looked uncomfortable, and in the other I looked fun.  Which would you want to date?  It was so helpful to change the dialogue from "a good/bad photo of me" to "a genuine or not genuine smile."  I felt a bit better.

I asked Tracy if we could change the profile picture and told her we could add a few days to her week, since the week was almost over and we had no potential matches.  Tracy changed the profile picture to the photo used Week 1, and I answered a bunch of match questions hopefully to attract some new visitors.

After several questions, I saw that a new message had arrived.  I was excited that changing our strategies had yielded results.  I read the message (which I usually don't do, I let the Matchmaker read the messages).  It was a response to a message that Tracy had sent, and the guy said he appreciated Tracy reaching out but "she's not my physical type.  She doesn't read these messages, does she?"  oof.  So much for our efforts paying off.  I wanted to write some snarky message back to that guy like, "Don't worry you're not her type either," but I didn't.  I logged off.  And sulked.

It may sound silly, but I felt like no one wanted to date me.  Even though nothing about me as a person had changed between Week 1 and Week 2, only the OkCupid profile had changed (and the response).  I know that I am not my OkCupid profile, and I was surprised how the lack of response Week 2 really got me down.  But it's a good reminder that A) as a creative person, sometimes it's easy to collapse my sense of self with my creative endeavors (such as this experiment); B) many of us look for validation in identities we create, including online identities (profiles on OkCupid, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.).  Consciously we all know that you are not your Facebook profile, it is just a selected representation of your interests, hobbies, friends, photos, etc., but that doesn't stop us from making a lot of assumptions about others (and ourselves) based on those profiles.  I remember during a rather rough time earlier this year a friend texting me that it seemed like I was having so much fun based on Facebook and Instagram posts, whereas my daily reality included a lot of crying and not much fun.
Our identities are not just limited to the internet: to quote Tyler Durden, "You are not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive."  (I do think you're a beautiful, unique snowflake though, just like everyone else.)  I'm challenging myself, and inviting anyone reading this, to take a critical look at the way we sometimes confuse personas (digital or otherwise) with real selves, for ourselves and others.  And/or watch Fight Club again.

One of my goals with this experiment has been to explore the "marketing" of dating, how the information you present and the way you present it attracts different types of people.  We gathered valuable data this week, even if it was uncomfortable to me at times.  OkCupid has also done research about effective profile photos but in both weeks' photos I was looking into the camera and smiling, however one was a genuine smile and the other was not.  So it gives me helpful information going forward with the experiment and online dating in general.

After a few days with the new profile picture, more messages did come in.  I'm happy to report that Tracy did pick two Matches who she says seem "artsy and open minded."  I've sent them messages on OkCupid and I'll keep you posted about date-planning!

I also have to tell you how grateful I am for my family and friends who do love me no matter what the OkCupid response is, what job I have, what my skin or hair are looking like, or anything else.  And I appreciate the ways that people show support, reading the blog or coming to standup comedy shows, or just listening to me when I'm freaking out and giving me feedback.  I would not be able to do what I do without that love and support!

There's a new Matchmaker for Week #3, but this post is already quite long so I'll write all about starting Week 3 in the next post!

Date #2: Woody Allen and Lena Duhnam Go To LACMA

The title of this post is a clear exaggeration of BOTH of our personalities, but it's the thought that popped into my head right after my date with Bachelor #3 (him being Woody Allen, me being Lena Dunham, LACMA being the location of our date).  It made me laugh so I thought I'd share.
My next thought after the date was that I'd had more fun than I expected.  But during a post-date debriefing with a friend I realized there were also a number of odd/uncomfortable moments...

I enjoy LACMA (LA County Museum of Art), and wandering through an art museum is an interesting way to see how someone's brain works.  B#3 has a dry, sarcastic sense of humor, and as a rather sarcastic gal I appreciate that.  I've tried to tone down my own sarcasm and deadpan humor, especially on first dates, because it can take time for people to get my sense of humor.  Having compatible senses of humor is a lot of fun, because I don't have to be reserved about joking around.  Guys often say they like funny girls, but I haven't always found that to be true.  I remember a few dates years ago, I made a joke and the guy laughed, then realized that I had just made him laugh, and looked at me like I was a dog who had just talked.  I don't know if it was because his goal was to make me laugh and it was a bit of a role reversal when I made him laugh, or if it was that some guys are still surprised that women can be funny.  But I enjoyed that B#3 and I could joke around together, and even make jokes about our jokes. (So meta.)

However, B#3 had a mix of self-consciousness and self-deprecation that was strikingly Woody Allen-esque.  Fairly early in the date, as we were walking around a gallery he suddenly said to me, "Should I not have shaved?"  It took me a minute to understand what he meant, so I think I uttered some form of, "huh?/what?/no it's fine" to which he said that he wasn't sure if I was "disappointed or just quiet."  Later I realized that when he would make self-conscious statements like that, it would also make me very self-conscious, wondering if I said or did something that prompted the statement (feeling like, "What did I do wrong?).  Then I'm likely to get more quiet and/or nervous, and enjoy the date less.  My reaction is my own responsibility, but it does highlight a personality incompatibility.

After one instance later in the date he explicitly said that he'd not meant his statement to be pejorative, which I appreciated because I got a bit defensive about whether I am a commitmentphobe or just "always looking for something better."   I've considered myself a commitmentphobe in the past, but it wasn't just toward relationships: I didn't stay in the same city for very long, and thus jobs and relationships also tended to be short-term.  I also was getting involved with guys that were Not Relationship Material.  But I've committed to LA: I've been here for over 2 years (the longest I've lived anywhere since high school).  I had the same job for 1.5 of the years in LA, although now I'm back to freelancing.  I learned a lot in my Vagabond Years (as I call the 3 years post-college where I bounced around the country) and I feel lucky to have had them, but I'm also glad that I've learned to settle down a bit and stay in one place.  I hope it bodes well for my romantic relationships as well.  But I'm not used to getting into all of that on a first date...(I shared an abridged version with B#3)

Another way B#3 is different from The Guys I Usually Date is that he's actually doing what he wants to do with his life, and that's a nice change!  He doesn't have a day job, he's not "aspiring," he's actually doing it.  He's writing a novel, although he wouldn't tell me what it was about (he said it would take too long to explain).  I did notice that he was rather guarded, which also may be something that bothered him about me (re: disappointed or quiet).  I honestly have no idea if he had fun on the date or not.  I would doubt he actively disliked me, but at the end of the date when I said, "I had fun today!" he replied with some quip about "well we'll see what you write in the blog!" which leaves me with a very different feeling than saying something like, "I had fun too!"

It was definitely great to be out with a fellow writer, and I enjoyed the banter.  Overall I think our temperaments trigger each other's in ways that wouldn't be good for relationship compatibility, but I would definitely enjoy being friends with him.  I've never actually become friends with anyone I met on OkCupid, I feel like "can we just be friends" is something no one ever wants to hear.  Maybe B#3 will prove me wrong.  Are there cliched ways of opting for friendship? (I'm open to suggestions.)  My mom wanted me to be sure to include that I didn't notice his height as much as I thought I would (he is apparently 2 inches shorter than me, but I would've said he was my height).

Notes and Asides:

• B#3 referred to himself as a feminist during the date, and a guy who calls himself a feminist (and actually is) gets major points in my book.  
• (just before I started the dating experiment I went on a date during which the guy said he read a bunch of feminist lit so he could "out-feminist" his sister who was getting her degree in Gender Studies.  Not kidding.  Also, that got him major negative points.)

• B#3 had a very un-guarded moment that was quite endearing: he rescued a butterfly that was trapped near the restrooms, gave it some water and then tromped through the bushes to find a safe place for it to recover.  Woody Allen wouldn't do that.

Date #1: Week 1 Bachelor #1

Quite appropriately, the first date of the experiment is with Bachelor #1.  On my mom's suggestion we went to the California Science Center to see the Space Shuttle Endeavour (and learned that it's the British spelling because it's named after the HMS Endeavour) and it was pretty cool.  The day started with an adventure in Los Angeles public transit: we both (separately) took the Metro to the museum because the FYF music festival was also happening this weekend in Exposition Park and we figured parking would be difficult.  We were both running late, but I ended up getting there quite a bit later than he did and text messages wouldn't go through while I was on the subway.  But thankfully he was understanding, and once I was on a train above ground we texted about a spot to meet up.

B#1 was definitely gentlemanly, and I appreciate that!  He'd bought tickets in advance to see the Endeavour, he waited near the Metro station for me, he held doors open for me, etc.  Was this partially influenced by my mom being the Matchmaker?  Possibly, but I'll give B#1 credit that he seems like the type of guy that would do that regardless.

We went through several exhibits, including seeing the Endeavour.  I don't think I'd been on a date to a museum before, and it was interesting.  Sometimes dinner/drinks dates, when you're just stuck staring at each other across a table, can feel a bit like job interviews.  I enjoy dates that give you something to talk about, and moving around can help feel out the chemistry.

And that's where we run into a problem: we had no chemistry.  He's a nice guy and I enjoyed chatting with him, but overall I don't think we're a good match.  We're in very different places in our lives: he's in film school, which is exciting and very engrossing, but I'm 5 years out of film school and into my career.  Also, although according to our profiles we both like adventures, it seems that our ideas differ on what counts as an interesting adventure.  Although that may sounds like a small thing, there's research to indicate otherwise:

OkCupid actually does interesting data analysis using their site and in a blog post called The Best Questions For A First Date, they listed 3 questions that best indicate long-term potential (if people agree on them): 
1) Do you like horror movies?
2) Have you ever traveled around another country alone?
3) Wouldn't it be fun to chuck it all and go live on a sailboat?

The last two, to me at least, are about adventure. Is traveling internationally solo an exciting experience or a lonely nightmare? Is living on a sailboat a story you'd like to tell your future grandkids, or a soggy ordeal?
(As for me personally, when I was 20 years old I backpacked around Europe mostly solo (meeting up with friends occasionally) and went to 14 countries in 6 months)

I want to emphasize there's no right answer, it's just about compatibility. When I was younger, I used to get really frustrated with myself about this kind of date. Why don't I like this nice guy? What's wrong with me? As I've gotten older, I've learned (and constantly remind myself) that there's nothing wrong with me or him, we just aren't the right match for each other.

Two instances have illustrated this for me:
1) In high school I worked in a coffee shop and one of my co-workers asked me out for coffee. I thought he was kidding and just laughed, I didn't even realize that he was trying to ask me out on a date. A year or so later he and my best friend met and started flirting via World Of Warcraft.  Their 7 year anniversary is next month.

2) In college I was hanging out with a guy friend, and my roommates later said I should date him and give him a makeover. I was never interested in him romantically and told them I wouldn't want to date a guy to change him. The next year he started dating another friend of mine and they are now engaged. She loves him just how he is.

All this to say, B#1 seems like a good guy and somewhere out there's a girl who's a great match for him. But that girl isn't me, and that's ok. It's probably something I'll have to remind myself of frequently in this experiment, so I figure I'll start now.

I told my mom about the date and she also agrees that he sounds like not the right type of guy for me.  But the good news is that I'm learning about what kind of guy would be right for me, and it's interesting to try defining/explaining it to others.

Also, I need to get better at ending dates.  I'm working on boundaries lately, as I've seen I often put the wants/needs of others before my own.  Only recently have I admitted to myself that I am an Extroverted Introvert (or an Introverted Extrovert): I enjoy being social, but if I'm around large crowds of people, or hosting a party, or doing a standup show, afterwards I need some quiet time on my own.  First dates also use quite a bit of Extrovert Energy, so a first date in a crowded museum (a kid-friendly museum on the weekend) took a lot of Extrovert Energy.

After 2 hours at the museum, my Extrovert Battery was probably down to 20%.  But for most of my life, I've told that Introvert side of me to Shut Up and Go Away.  So I didn't say to B#1, "Hey, this has been fun but I should go," I said, "Sure we can walk around more!"  .facepalm. 

Why did I do that?  Because I was trying to be nice.  But when I look back at it, that wasn't the nice thing to do.  I'm most likely not the best conversationalist when I'm tired, hungry, dehydrated, and overwhelmed.  By the end of the date, when my Extrovert Battery was probably down to 10% or less, I was nearly a zombie.  And who wants to be on a date with a zombie?  If I'd given B#1 the choice, he probably would've preferred that I communicated when I was exhausted.  Instead I probably seemed distant and possibly rude.

We rode the Metro back together, and though he was going past my stop he very kindly got off the subway to say goodbye to me.  But due to previously mentioned zombification, I did my best to say a polite goodbye and took off.  As I headed up the stairs I realized that it would've been polite for me to wait with him until the next train, but I was laser beam focused on food, water, and quiet (and I still had a 30 min walk home).  But my apologies to B#1 for my zombification.  I'm working on it.



(B#1 did send a followup text after the date saying that he had fun, so zombification might be a slight exaggeration for comedic purposes ;))

Week 2 Matchmaker: Tracy

The second Matchmaker is a film school friend, Tracy.  I think Tracy will be an interesting Matchmaker because she and I are very different: we both work in film, but I'm the weirdo-artsy-writer-director-type and she's the polished-professional-casting-type.  One thing we do have in common is frequent tales of dating woes.  She also uses online dating sites, and has been far more persistent in her approach.  My habit has been to use OkCupid for a bit, get disenchanted (and/or super busy with work), and de-activate my account for several months.  Until I'm bored again, log back in, and the cycle repeats.  I'm curious to see what kind of guys Tracy will match me with, are they similar to the type of guys she would date?  She's making changes to the OkCupid profile now (each Matchmaker will tailor the profile to their perception of me and how they think I should be portrayed to potential suitors) and is starting her search!

Updates on our Week 1 Bachelors: 
Bachelor #1 and I have a date set for this weekend, and he likes the idea of the California Science Center!  We texted a bit and he seems nice.

Bachelor #2 emailed that he is under the weather and asked for a rain check on our drinks date.

Bachelor #3 just emailed me (I hadn't heard from him and thought maybe he had changed his mind!) and likes the idea of an art museum date, so we'll figure out a time.


Observations about the experiment so far:
As someone who doesn't talk about her dating life much publicly, it's really interesting to get a lot of feedback on the experiment and bachelors.  Especially because the feedback is from people that I wouldn't normally talk about potential dates with, not only peers but also people who have been married for many years (and thus have a different perspective on dating than single 20-somethings).

For me it brings up really interesting ideas about technology, community, and isolation.  I see so many articles that decry Facebook because it isolates us and makes us feel inadequate/jealous.  But to me, technology is a tool and how you use it determines how it affects your life.  Facebook can create (or facilitate) community, and allow you to communicate with people that you otherwise couldn't or wouldn't.  By no means do I think it replaces face-to-face interactions, but I enjoy that it helps me stay in touch my family and friends around the world.  I also love that it allows people from very different parts of my life to interact.  For example, both a former boss and my best friend's mom had the same reaction to Bachelor#2 shooting down the date idea (they saw it as a Red Flag).

It reminds me of when dating was a more communal endeavor, like in high school and who you were dating was public knowledge, or in small towns/villages where everyone would voice opinions about your beaus, or many years ago when when a family member had to chaperone dates.  This is part of why I called the experiment Post-Modern Matchmaker (and I'll write a post soon with more explanation of that).  Modern dating can be so isolated, my friends have rarely met anyone that I've dated in the past several years and my family hasn't met any of them.  It's interesting to add a community element (often associated with small town/Old World) to Big City Modern Dating.  But how much will I like it if/when the community consensus and I disagree?  About the B#2 Red Flag, I'm in agreement.  We'll see about what other issues come up as the experiment progresses!

Happy Friday!

Week 1: Mom Picks Potential Beaus

The Week 1 results are in!  My mom couldn't narrow it down to three, so she picked four and I vetoed one.
I've responded to their OkCupid messages to let them know that they've been picked, and asked them to email me at the Postmodern Matchmaker gmail account to make plans for a date.  My mom also made suggestions for what the date would be (this wasn't required, but my mom is a planner and I think she wanted something more interesting than standard drinks dates).

My mom put real thought into her choices and they are all different than guys I would usually go on dates with, so I figured I'd give a little explanation of each (OkCupid usernames will not be included to protect privacy).

Bachelor #1 is a film student, baseball and hockey fan, whiskey connoisseur, and Eagle Scout.

Mom approved factors: Boy Scout (remember, she literally said that's something she was looking for?  I took it mostly metaphorically, but it is a bonus for her), film student (I went to film school and work in film), he says he enjoys adventures.

Why he's not My Normal Type: Boy Scout + the superhero references = reminds me of my brother (my brother is an Eagle Scout and very into comics/Geek culture), film student (film school was fun but was 5 years ago for me), and his profile says "Mostly Monogamous" (a problem I sometimes have with OkCupid is too much information/not enough context.  What does "Mostly Monogamous" mean to him?).

Date Mom Suggested: California Science Center, where the Space Shuttle Endeavour is, they also have many other exhibits including one on Pompeii.
(P.S. Why is the Space Shuttle Endeavour spelled differently than the word "endeavor"??  I looked it up like 3 times to check.  I assume with a "u" it's the British spelling, but it's an American Space Shuttle...I digress)


Bachelor #2 is a lawyer who is currently working in tech, and doesn't have a whole lot of info on his profile.

Mom approved factors: He's lived in several different states (as I have), one of his photos is with his family, and he's about the same age as I am and lives nearby.

Why he's not My Normal Type: He's a lawyer (my dad is a lawyer, so I generally avoid dating lawyers.  Also I figure they're rather by-the-book types, not compatible with artsy moi), I don't get a lot from his profile.

Date Mom Suggested: The Travel Town Museum in Griffith Park, or a picnic in the park.
(Edit: B#2 is the first to respond to my message and struck down the Travel Town Museum idea for dinner/drinks)


Bachelor #3 is a writer, for tv and an art magazine, nature-lover, and apparently was a Geek on the reality tv dating show Beauty and the Geek.

Mom approved factors: He's vegetarian (as I am), likes Joshua Tree (as I do), is smart and his profile is funny.

Why he's not My Normal Type: He's 5'5" (two inches shorter than I am, and I pretty much only date guys that are significantly taller than I am).  Other than that, he's very much the type of guy I'm interested in.

Date Mom Suggested: She sent me a link to a list of free museums in LA and we were looking at different options.  Since he writes for an art magazine I suggested an art museum or gallery and asked for his input.


Overall observations:
-I'm glad the guys my mom picked are all very different, and all different from the type of guys I would normally date.  Good job, Mom!
-OkCupid has a LOT of information on profiles, and it took a bit of time for my mom to adapt to reading all the different information.
-It's generally quite funny to browse OkCupid profiles with my mom, and it was interesting to see what information stood out to each of us, and if it was positive or negative.
-We got a few form messages (a message a guy clearly sends to every girl).  This surprised my mom, but I told her it's just like a pickup line that a guy uses on every girl in a bar.  For some guys it's a numbers game, and if they send the same message to everyone they can send more messages.  But it's a big negative for me, I'm very unlikely to message a guy back if he sent a generic message.  My mom agreed, and all 3 guys she picked had sent messages that showed they'd read the profile.
-Although I have bits of my normal dating anxiety, I'm genuinely looking forward to meeting all three of these guys because they're different!  I'm intrigued by what I'm learning about what I'm looking for, what my mom values, and about the differences in dating now vs. the 1970's & 80's.  I'm really glad my mom and I are talking about dating now, it's made me realize how little we talked about it before.


Also, now that my mom's week as Matchmaker has ended, a new Matchmaker is taking over the account!  My friend Tracy is the next Matchmaker.  We've been friends since film school and always swap dating/love life (horror) stories.  She tends to date very different guys than I do, so I'm quite curious to see what kind of guys she will pick!

And it starts!

The experiment has officially started, and I'm a little nervous but mostly really curious!

Mom had never been on OkCupid before, so I walked her through the site over the phone.  One of her first questions was, "Do you like dancing?" I like dancing, but it also depends on the type of music. When my parents were dating they went out dancing a lot, but it was all disco, now "going out dancing" can be EDM at a fancy Hollywood club or dancing to soul music at a local dive (yea to the latter, nay to the former).

We started filling in information for the Post-Modern Matchmaker profile, and it was funny the discussions and generational differences  it brought up.  I have often debated what Body Type option to select (OkCupid gives you the following options: Rather Not Say, Thin, Overweight, Skinny, Average, Fit, Athletic, Jacked, A Little Extra, Curvy, Full Figured, Used Up).  My mom thought we should put Curvy, and I laughed and told her that now Curvy usually implies you have quite a butt and I do not.  Average?  Or does Average have a negative connotation (especially in LA)?  Fit?  Or does that imply that I'm like a Fitness Model (I'm not).  I've also noticed that guys seem to have different definitions of body types for themselves than I do, which fits with gender norms of women being far more critical of bodies/weight than men.  We went with Average, as it seemed the least problematic.

My mom brought up that I've traveled a lot, and I told her that saying, "I like to travel" has become such a cliche, it's like saying, "I like music."  We worked on how to incorporate the information she felt was important while trying to avoid the cliches.  Mom suggested including that I work at the local community garden and I'd never even thought to write that in an online dating profile.  We looked at the OkCupid profile I've had off and on for years, and it's rather tongue-in-cheek (comedy=defense mechanism=duh).  With my mom's influence, the Post-Modern Matchmaker profile is more serious and/or genuine and I think it's a nice change.  We'll change the profile a bit with each Matchmaker, and for Mom week it's definitely More Heart and Less Snark.

We looked at a few guys' profiles, Mom was scandalized by some username that she dare not repeat, and it was hilarious to have a phone conversation with my mom that went, "Oh, do you think he's cute?  No, do you?"  As I mentioned previously, my mom and I don't usually talk much about my dating life, so she's trying to figure out who I'm into!  The dating age range she picked (28-33) is smaller than I would normally say, but I welcome these kind of changes.  I asked her what kind of guy she thinks would be a good fit for me, and the first thing she said was "Tall" (haha we are definitely related).  When I asked her to list some personality traits, she said "A nice guy.  A Boy Scout, always prepared. A guy with a brain.  Who doesn't smoke cigarettes."  I left out the Boy Scout part, because I don't think being a literal Boy Scout is an actual requirement, but I included the rest as is.  I love the Mom quality of it!

So she says that we're looking for a nice guy, how will that match up with the guys that actually get picked?  Will the Boy Scouts of OkCupid prevail?

Week 1 Matchmaker: Mom

Week 1 Matchmaker: Mom

My mom is awesome.  If you've met my mom, you know that she's one of the sweetest, kindest people you'll ever meet.  We're close and she's really supportive, which I really appreciate because I've thrown her a fair number of curveballs over the years, including this latest one: "I'm doing a dating experiment, would you pick some guys for me to date?"  After some protestations about never having been on a dating site (my parents have been married for 30+ years), she agreed.

Here's the funny thing: I don't usually talk to my mom about my love life.  I used to talk to her about boys when I was growing up although I don't think she was my tell-all confidant, I think she probably knew what boys I had crushes on.  I should ask her about how much I did tell her then, sometimes we remember things very differently!

At some point in college I found that my mom had a tendency to ask about my love life at unfortunate times, through no fault of her own (my love life is usually tumultuous), usually when a guy hadn't texted/called or things weren't going well or it seemed like guy I was crushing on was not reciprocally crushing.  Being a fairly practical person I decided that it was best for both of us if I stopped telling her about my love life, so that way she wasn't accidentally bringing up injurious information.

Only when we started talking about this experiment did I realize that my parents haven't met a guy I've been involved with in the past 10 years (since high school).  They met the guys I dated in high school, but I've only had one "boyfriend" since high school and that was only a brief summer thing several years ago (he was supposed to come to one family event and bailed, and my mom still holds it against him).
I haven't been sitting home knitting cat sweaters, in the past 10 years I've been "involved with" or "hanging out" (or hooking up) a smattering of boys, more recently graduating to the Man-Child category.  These guys often "don't believe in labels" which also usually means "Not A Guy You Introduce To Your Parents."  And much of the past 10 years I've been "undateable" for various reasons: recovering from a brutal breakup, traveling around the world, focusing on film school, bouncing around the country working on farms, or focusing on my career.  But now I have no excuses left.  I've been back in LA for over 2 years, I'm no longer working 80 hour weeks, I have the time and attention span to date someone (I think).  Maybe that's why the "guys I usually date" have become the sore thumb, the one thing that hasn't changed.

I wouldn't lie to my mom about dating (honesty is quite important in our family), I just didn't volunteer a lot of information.  If she asked what I was doing that night and I had a date, I would tell her.  I would sometimes tell her about a guy I'd been involved with, but usually after it was already over.  I'm talking to her more about dating now because of this experiment.  It's funny to hear about the differences between dating now and in the 1970s.  My mom was amazed how my brother or I can know that we don't want to date someone after one date.  I'm looking forward to hearing what she thinks of OkCupid, the amount of information that you can see about someone, what guys write, etc.

I'm very curious to see what kind of guys my mom thinks I should date, and what kinds of guys on OkCupid think they're Mom Approved.  Guys will sometimes post on their profiles that they're the type of guy you could take home to your parents, but are those the types of guys that my parents would actually approve of? Will my mom pick guys that she would've dated when she was my age?  My dad was a Rebel Without A Pause when they met, he was a bouncer, rode a motorcycle, etc.  Will my mom set me up with guys like that, or Nice Guys? Somewhere in between?

Stay tuned, only time will tell!

The Post-Modern Matchmaker Experiment

My name is Jean, and I'm starting a Dating Experiment called Post-Modern Matchmaker.

Aim: To try dating different types of guys than I usually do, and learn about what types of guys my friends and family think would be a good fit for me.  (And hopefully to write about it in an entertaining way.)

Materials: I've set up an OkCupid account, an email account, and this blog (postmodernmatchmaker.blogspot.com) solely for this experiment.

Procedure: I will ask family members and friends (one at a time) to be the Matchmaker for a week, and use the OkCupid account (or other methods) to select 3 potential suitors.  Then I will set up dates with said potential suitors (I am allowed to veto one of their choices if I want).  I will write about the process (selection of suitors and dates) and the Matchmaker is welcome to write guest posts.

Participants: The first Matchmaker will be my mom, then I'll ask other friends and family.  Potential suitors must live in the greater Los Angeles area.

Explanation:
I have terrible taste in men.  I even do stand up comedy about it, and though it's great that people always laugh about the compulsive liar I dated or the guys who lived in buses, I personally am rather sick of the type of guys I get involved with.  I'm not one of those girls who "only dates assholes," I'm drawn to guys that "have a lot of potential."  Unfortunately, they usually seem to have little intention of realizing said "potential."  And as well-intentioned as dating Guys with Potential can be, it's also thinly disguised Dating-Someone-To-Change-Them, which we all know is Dating No-No #415.

Recently I started thinking, how could I meet different types of guys?  I've tried OkCupid several times over the years and usually met guys that I have lots of common interests with but no chemistry.  Tinder...ugh, Tinder sometimes made me laugh and sometimes made me want to weep for humanity.  I went on one Tinder date, and he was a nice guy but we had no chemistry.  So the guys I meet online are usually nice guys I'm not attracted to, and the guys I meet in real life I'm attracted to but there's not much relationship potential.

But what if I wasn't the one picking the guys?  What guys would my mom, or my best friend, think I would be good with?  The people who already know and love me (and have heard about my boy drama for so many years) might see different things in potential suitors than I do.  And I'm genuinely curious about what kind of guys they would pick.  Whether it yields an actual relationship for me or not, I feel like I could learn about who they think would be compatible with me, what their dealbreakers are.

So we embark on this experiment.  Because, Science!