Five Things I Learned in 2015 (Part 1)

Dear blog,

I’ve missed you!  Sorry I’ve been away for so long, I’ve wanted to write for a while and didn’t know what to say.  A lot has happened since May, so to catch up I made a list of Five Things I Learned in 2015:

1. My heart moves at its own speed: 

When a friend was advocating for me to break up with Bachelor #9 in November 2014 she said, “That way you’ll be ready for a sexy New Year’s date!”  Instead I spent New Year’s as a 7^th wheel (the only single person with three couples), and after several tequila shots I met a guy who happened to have the same name and be the same age as Bachelor #9 and made out with him.  (Cue reaction.) Not my idea of a sexy New Years date, and I clearly wasn’t over B#9. 

I spent most of the year trying to get over him, and I think how long it took frustrated many of my friends.  B#9 and I tried to remain friends, but our friendship became more affectionate over time and I felt like he was sending mixed signals.  After one of many “what are we doing/what do you want” talks in July he said he needed space.  I pined, wallowed, eventually dated (a guy I dated actually sent me that gif, but more on that later).  By November I realized that my heartache was increasing instead of subsiding, so I reached out to B#9.  He said he still needs space, and I haven’t heard from him since.  I assume at some point he’ll resurface, but I’m not waiting.  As a friend recently wrote, “You can only break someone's heart so many times before you begin to kill the part of them that loved you in the first place.”  He's broken my heart too many times, and I realized that I don’t want to be with someone who is so avoidant.  But I had to figure that out for myself, as we all have to figure out things in our own time.  Friends and family can tell us but our hearts and minds only really listen when we’re ready, and when people tried to beat me over the head with it I only felt worse.  I appreciate those who showed understanding and compassion, as it helped me to accept the speed at which my heart goes.  And I advocate for acceptance of the unique dances that each of our hearts do, to have more compassion for your heart and others!

2. Change is MUCH easier said than done: 

I’ve talked to a lot of people this year about Order Muppets and Chaos Muppets, it usually gets a laugh out of people and it’s an interesting way to get to know someone.  It’s especially useful in a dating context, because it allows people to tell you upfront where they are on the Chaos Muppet/Order Muppet continuum.  After dating B#9 I realized that though I usually dated Chaos Muppets, I was better off with someone who was more of an Order Muppet (though maybe not as much of an OrderMuppet as B#9 is).

And then I dated the most chaotic Chaos Muppet I’ve ever dated.  *Facepalm*

A few weeks after B#9 said he needed space, I decided to test the waters on dating.  I’d taken a dating hiatus for much of the year because dating seemed like a chore, but (perhaps not taking the above advice about the speed of my heart) I started swiping on Tinder.  OkCupid requires a lot of time and felt overwhelming, but Tinder seemed manageable and appropriate for dipping my toe in the dating pool.  I hoped to go on a few dates and see how I felt, but instead I met one guy and ended up in a relationship that was overwhelming and scary.  On our first date he said that it was really important to him that I felt safe with him, but in the week (yes, week) we dated and the following week in which we tried to be friends, he hurt me physically and emotionally.  I cut all contact with him and thankfully haven’t seen him since, but it shook me to my core.  And I was so mad at myself, I felt like I knew better or at least I should’ve known better.  But it’s hard to change who you’re drawn to, even when you “know better.”  I haven’t gotten back on Tinder since, and have at times been frustrated by the Chaos Muppet parade that has been my love life can be but know that recognizing the problem is the first step to change.  And I focus on what I am looking for in a partner: kind, easy-going, overall positive and supportive, all of which are the opposite of the guys I usually date!  

(click here for Part 2!)

On Being Bossy, Unbreakable, and Daring Greatly

I wrote a guest post on Bitchflicks about crowdfunding on Seed&Spark for my film The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide, called "Being Bossy, Unbreakable, and Daring Greatly" about some of the challenges we all face with gender roles and "rules," the type of characters I'm trying to create and how those characters inspire me.  Since I've often written about gender roles in this blog, I wanted to re-post the blog here.

Shameless Plug: Our crowdfunding campaign ends this Wednesday 4/22 at 1:11pm Pacific, and we have to hit 80% of our goal to get the contributed funds.  Please help us hit this goal, even $5 helps get us closer!  This film can help people and save lives, and it's (obviously) very dear to my heart.  The first scene of the movie, information about our cast & crew and so much more is here: http://www.seedandspark.com/studio/average-girls-guide-suicide.

Quick Dating Update: Still not dating.  I've been focusing on work, and the most recent guy from OkCupid who seemed interesting still hasn't asked me out on a date after a month of emailing back and forth.  Notice the past tense on "seemed interesting."  I don't have time for that ish!

Alright, now for "Being Bossy, Unbreakable, and Daring Greatly":

Occasionally recently I’ve wondered, “Am I being bossy?”  I’m a writer/director/producer, currently crowdfunding for my first feature film The Average Girl’s Guide to Suicide, and the sole manager of the LLC for our film.  So, I am a boss.  (Not like this, but a bit like a #bosswitch) But as Sheryl Sandberg’s Ban Bossy campaign states, “When a little boy asserts himself, he's called a ‘leader.’ Yet when a little girl does the same, she risks being branded ‘bossy.’” As a 28-year-old, I can vouch that it’s not just little girls that are affected by “bossy.” I’m trying to Ban Bossy in my own brain (or accept that I am a boss and it’s ok if I’m “bossy”) and it got me thinking about our society’s gender expectations and how they can hold all of us back.

In Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly, she writes that according to society’s rules women have to “be willing to stay as small, sweet, and quiet as possible, and use our time and talent to look pretty.”  This made me laugh out loud, because A) I have often felt pressure to be as small, sweet, and quiet as possible, and use my time and talents to look pretty, and B) as a director you generally should not try to be as small, sweet, and quiet as possible or use your time or talents to look pretty.  It’s not bad to be small/sweet/quiet/pretty if that’s your nature, but forcing yourself to be as small or quiet as possible is rarely conducive to getting a movie made.  Personally I’m not small, not often quiet, I try to be kind (but not saccharin sweet), and I’m no beauty queen.  As we’ve been expanding our team, talking to more people about the film, and crowdfunding, I’m constantly running into the societal expectations embedded in my brain.  Self-promotion is not small, sweet, or quiet.  Making a dark comedy about suicide is not small, sweet, or quiet.  Asking people for money is not small, sweet or quiet. 

(Behind the scenes of making the teaser video for The Average Girl’s Guide to Suicide.)

Luckily I’m not alone in this struggle.  Brené Brown writes: “…every successful woman whom I’ve interviewed has talked to be about the sometimes daily struggle to push past ‘the rules’ so she can assert herself, advocate for her ideas, and feel comfortable with her power and gifts.”  If you’re reading this, it’s likely that you can relate also.  Think about how incongruous it is for female CEOs, doctors, or fighter pilots to be concerned with being small/sweet/quiet/pretty.  I hope you just laughed.  Perhaps the next time you feel pressure in your own life to be small/sweet/quiet/pretty, remind yourself of that laugh you just had. 

Women aren't the only ones who are hampered by society’s expectations; “the rules” for men can be just as suffocating as “the rules” for women.  According to Brown these expectations for men can be summed up as: don’t be wrong, don’t be weak, and don’t show fear.  If men step outside those lines, they are often shamed.  The more I've leaned into leadership roles, the more I've felt these expectations too and they aren't fun.  Recently I felt so scared about whether we would hit our crowdfunding campaign goal, and felt like I needed to keep a brave face for everyone else and not show my fear.  Then I realized the trap I was falling into.  I’m lucky to have friends and family who are there for me, and even several friends who have told me that the middle of a crowdfunding is a terrifying desert.  Getting support from friends and family and remembering that I’m not alone help me get out of shame spirals. 

(The ever-inspiring Brené Brown.)

There have been several articles recently critiquing the concept of “Strong Female Characters.”  The problem isn’t with realistic female characters who show resilience, but instead to women who are…basically dudes.  From one such article: “A female character simply having typically masculine traits doesn’t necessarily strengthen her; it only promotes the view that men are the strong ones in the world, and that to be strong means to emulate them.”  I would also argue that in real life, to be strong women we don’t need to try to be strong men.  I’ve been that girl: trying to be stronger, tougher, and more foul-mouthed than the guys, and it’s exhausting.  Because though I can be strong, tough, and sometimes rather foul-mouthed, I am also very empathetic, caring and sensitive.  Trying to be as strong and tough as possible doesn’t leave room for empathetic and sensitive, and I believe it’s better to embrace your true nature rather than fake another.  A friend has a poster that to me has good examples of how letting go of gender norms can ease the burden on both genders.  I look forward to a world where we can accept and celebrate men and women equally for their sensitivity as well as their strength. 

Recently there’s a new strong feminine heroine: the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.  She encourages others to pursue their dreams, and determinedly pursues her own.  She likes helping people, she’s good at it, and she also takes care of herself.  She’s strong because when she gets knocked down, she gets back up.  Kimmy Schmidt shows that being kind, optimistic, and supportive can be part of being strong. 

(A little rain won’t stop The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt!)

As a woman and a writer, it’s encouraging to see strong and empathetic characters.  My film is about a young woman’s journey to accept herself and create a life she wants to live, and it took several years of working on the script (and “doing the work” in my life) to really understand what self-acceptance feels like.  It’s easier to write about a character accepting herself than to accept myself, and it’s still something I work on every day.  I love how fictional characters can help teach us in our real lives, and my characters continue to teach me.  They push me and challenge me to be as brave as they are, and I hope they can inspire you too.  

Too Busy To Date?

As I'm writing this it's already after midnight, technically very early Monday morning.  In approximately fourteen hours I will likely be a human stress knot because that's when we launch crowdfunding for my film, The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide.  I started writing the script in 2009 and this is the first time we're presenting it to the public.  It is REALLY exciting and terrifying.  I think it's like sending your kid off to school for the first time, or maybe like finding out you're pregnant?  I remember getting a pregnancy announcement in the mail from a friend and briefly feeling like, "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??" and then realizing that this film is my first child and requires time, money, energy, commitment, and tender loving care just like a baby.  And luckily I have a group of people who are helping to bring this film to life.

EDIT: We successfully launched our crowdfunding campaign!  Check it out: www.seedandspark.com/studio/average-girls-guide-suicide

Perhaps like a worried parent, I stay up late working most nights and wake hours before my alarm thinking about things I need to do and writing emails in my head.  I'm working on mindfulness and meditation.  I'm also working on eating before I'm so famished my brain stops functioning (there's just so much to do).  I'm not complaining, this the life that I've chosen and honestly this is living the dream.  I'm pouring my heart and soul into a project that is incredibly dear to me, and I get to work with people I adore.  But it's also incredibly intense, all-consuming, and most days I'm just trying to survive.

So it doesn't leave much time or energy for dating.

Is being "too busy to date" legitimate or just an excuse?  I miss being in a relationship, but first dates require a whole different level of energy.  I don't necessarily feel like I have my best foot forward when I'm in survival mode.

I actually went on my first date since November recently.  I'd been using the dating app Hinge for months and would match with guys but none ever sent me a message.  When a guy finally did send me a message, a few weeks ago, I was quite surprised!  He asked me out for a drink, and I figured "Why not?"  But as I headed to the date, having not eaten dinner (I'd had a late lunch) and rather preoccupied by work, I wasn't feeling like I was in the right mindset for a date.  It was also my first non-Post-Modern-Matchmaker date in a while (so I won't write about it in detail, and he doesn't get a Bachelor number) and it was interesting to remember what it's like to go on a date with a guy who hasn't read the blog.  I realized that the blog sometimes could add pressure to a first date (for me to live up to expectations set by the blog, or for a guy to meet expectations he perceived in the blog) but it also is sort of a window into my brain and that can be helpful to both parties.

During the date I asked if he'd read the article on Order Muppets and Chaos Muppets.  He hadn't, and I explained that the idea is that people are like Order Muppets (like Kermit the Frog) or Chaos Muppets (like Animal or Gonzo).  He immediately said that he was a Chaos Muppet, then said he was a bit of both but probably mostly a Chaos Muppet.  He'd already told me that he had no filter and is an adrenaline junkie, although he's also an engineer, so that seemed like a fair evaluation.  I'm definitely a Chaos and Order mix.  After college I had a few Chaos Muppet years where I bounced around the country (I usually call them The Vagabond Years).  When I moved back to LA I had a few Order Muppet years as a Personal Assistant, Executive Assistant, and sometimes Assistant Director (the Order Muppet of a film set).  And now I'm trying to find a balance.  I like having routine, but I need some flexibility in my routine.

An interesting part of the Order Muppet/Chaos Muppet theory is that apparently opposites attract, usually couples are one Order Muppet and one Chaos Muppet.  I can see that I've dated both Chaos Muppets and Order Muppets, and each bring out the opposite in me.  I've mostly dated Chaos Muppets (e.g. guys who lived in buses) so I usually end up being the Order Muppet in the relationship.  Bachelor #9 is definitely an Order Muppet, and it felt sort of weird to be the Chaos Muppet in a relationship.  And maybe because he was SUCH an Order Muppet, I felt like SUCH a Chaos Muppet.  It seems like lately I've been drawn to Chaos Muppets again, but that seems like a bad idea.  Remember what my daily life is like?  And months ago when I realized that I want to date guys who are kind and nurturing?  I don't think those are usually Chaos Muppets.  I don't need anyone who brings more chaos into my life.  I'm dangerously close to getting involved with a particular Total Chaos Muppet I know, but my brain keeps saying, "Oh no, that will.not.end.well."  So the Order Muppet side is telling the Chaos Muppet side to be quiet, try to behave.

In related news, Bachelor #9 seems to be Nick Miller Awkward Moon Walking out of my life, which is less endearing in reality and also oddly sort of what I expect from an Order Muppet vs. Chaos Muppet situation like this.  (Side note: Nick Miller & Jessica Day are an excellent example of a Chaos Muppet/Order Muppet relationship.  Nick Miller is such a Chaos Muppet!  And Jess was the Chaos Muppet in other relationships, but had to be an Order Muppet in their relationship.  /NewGirlRant)  There also is a possibility that since I expect an Order Muppet to Awkward Moon Walk out of my life, that I might interpret a little shuffling as Awkward Moon Walking out of my life.  Because in some ways it's easier to say he is Just Like All The Rest and I Never Should Have Even Tried, but I'm trying not to put all the Sins of Past Exes onto current events.

On the OkCupid front, I did delete some messages from my inbox to make room for new messages...and immediately remembered why I'd let it fill up.  However, there was a message from a guy who seemed cute and interesting, so we traded a few messages.  I was getting tired of messaging on OkCupid so I not-so-subtly hinted that he should ask me out on a date.  I gave him my email address and said if he wanted to meet up sometime he should email me, and that I'm busy with crowdfunding but can make time for a drink.  He emailed me, but still has not asked me out.  I've found that being really busy makes me less patient, and in this case I'm just over it.  I'm not looking for a pen pal, Sorry/Not Sorry.  So the OkCupid inbox is now full again, and staying that way for a bit.

Anyways, it's getting quite late and I need to be a functional human being tomorrow.  So lastly, Chaos Muppet would like to share a horoscope with you.  I see astrology as food for thought, not gospel, and Rob Brezsny's Freewill Astrology is one of the few I read.  I think his writing is thought-provoking and I like that it's very positive.  I am a Gemini, and this week's horoscope was so spot on for me that I laughed out loud.  It's advice on how to love a Gemini so it seems appropriate to include here.  Take as seriously or humorously as you like, and apply to Geminis and non-Geminis as you feel fitting.

"The anonymous blogger at Neurolove.me gives advice on how to love a Gemini: 'Don't get impatient with their distractibility. Always make time for great conversation. Be understanding when they're moody. Help them move past their insecurities, and tell them it's not their job to please everyone. Let them have space but never let them be lonely.' I endorse all that good counsel, and add this: 'To love Geminis, listen to them attentively, and with expansive flexibility. Don't try to force them to be consistent; encourage them to experiment at uniting their sometimes conflicting urges. As best as you can, express appreciation not just for the parts of them that are easy to love but also for the parts that are not yet ripe or charming.'"

As Kaypacha says, "Namaste, Aloha, So Much Love."

Part 1 of 2: Strangers, The "Crazy," and Why I'm Single

Ah Valentine’s Day, my least favorite holiday. The first time I had a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day, at sixteen, my boyfriend told me at lunch that sometimes he thinks he’s gay.  He wasn't breaking up with me or coming out (we’re still Facebook friends and he’s not gay), it just somehow came up in conversation.  Being a teenager can be rather confusing.  So if you think that being single for Valentine's Day is the worst, I'm here to tell you that sometimes you're better off being single.  I still kind of dread the holiday, but my friend Keir’s Valentine’s Tune always cheers me up a bit!  (Warning: song contains NSFM language)

It's been a while since I've written and there's been so much on my mind I've made this a two-part entry!

The Old: I’m still not dating anyone, and rather disinterested in online dating.  I meant to de-activate my OkCupid account but kept forgetting. The inbox is full and I deleted the app off my phone, so it’s achieves the same end (not having to check messages) but I know I should actually deal with it sooner or later.

The New: I've been forcing myself to talk to strangers in real life, especially cute guys, and it’s getting easier!  I was at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah for about five days, in LA for about 2 days, then in Panama for a week on vacation with my family.  I learned you really can just walk up to a guy and say hi, and got a little Sundance-mance out of it!  I went from snow to the tropics in a matter of days, saw movies and talked to lots of people about my film, then swam in the ocean, kayaked in the jungle and fed a monkey.  And now I get to refocus on running a business and making a movie.   Life is good, and busy.  And still sometimes, a bit lonely.

During my travels I started listening to the podcast Strangers, because a friend who also recently went through a breakup recommended the episodes called Love Hurts (parts 1-4).  At first I thought, “The last thing I need right now is to listen to something called ‘Love Hurts.’”  But I downloaded an episode and was instantly hooked.  In these episodes the host, Lea Thau, is trying to understand why she’s been single for four years.  She interviews guys she’s dated, a guy who wanted to date her but the feeling wasn't mutual, a Love Coach, and an author of a book about being single.  Although she has some different circumstances (she has a child, and is in her early forties), there is a lot that I relate to.  As the episodes progress, she mentions reactions to the episodes: some people say it’s so uncomfortable to hear about her dating struggles, but many people are saying that it’s great to hear because it makes them feel less alone.  Perhaps that’s the most ironic thing about loneliness: we tend to think we’re the only ones who feel it.

I'm reading Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly and in her research on shame she found that the best way to combat shame is to talk about it.  So after a few months of hiding in my Cave of Solitude, I decided that Valentine's Day was a good time to write about what I've been learning from/about heartache and heartbreak.  It's easy on Valentine's Day for happily coupled people to see other happily coupled people, but it's also easy for unhappily single people to feel like they're the only ones.  You're not alone, sunshine, even in your loneliness.

The truth is: the breakup with Bachelor #9 was tough. The actual breakup wasn't bad, as I said in the blog post at the time, it was probably the healthiest breakup I’d ever had. For a few days I was amazed at how ok I was. And then I spent about the next two months under a dark cloud. I often wore all black or grey, even when I tried to convince myself to wear colors. I could not get myself to care about dating at all. I was rather depressed, and ashamed that I was depressed. We’d only dated for a month, and I knew it couldn't work long-term (aside from his existing relationship which he is committed to long-term, I don’t know if we really have enough in common) so what the hell is wrong with me? I could remind myself of all the reasons that we’d broken up, the main reason being that I found polyamory too difficult and wanted to create space for a monogamous relationship. Part of my brain understood the reasons and would repeat them over and over when I missed him, trying to make the reasons bigger than the sadness. But another part of my brain would remember how I felt when he held my hand, or the way he used to look at me, or just how much I enjoyed spending time with him, and none of the reasons mattered anymore.

This started to make me feel crazy.  I felt out of control of my feelings, my thoughts, even the colors I wore.  He and I didn't talk for a month, but that didn't help.  I felt like I was holding my breath for a month, which is not usually what "moving on" feels like.  When we started to talk again, I've found being friends is tougher than I expected.  Some friends have told me to cut all contact, which I don't want to do, but then I feel like I shouldn't tell them when being in contact with him is difficult.  And I realized, this is why I'd been single for so long: I'd seen this "crazy" side of me before, and had wanted to avoid it at all costs.

When I was a senior in high school I started dating a guy and we quickly fell deeply in love with each other.  I was so happy, as long as we were together I didn't care what else was going on.  I'd never felt that way about anyone and it was incredible.  For two years we had a very loving but tumultuous relationship.  We broke up a few times and got back together, so it took me a while to realize that the last time we broke up, it was for real.  And then I literally thought I was going to die of heartbreak.  For two years, I didn't date or get involved with anyone.  When my heart finally healed I thought, "Been there, done that, never need to do that again."  And I haven't been in a serious relationship since.  That was almost ten years ago, Lea Thau, if that makes you feel any better.

I've dated, been in relationships that we didn't call relationships, I even had a boyfriend for a few months (a summer romance, six years ago).  I thought that if you aren't officially together you can't really break up, and if I didn't have breakups I couldn't get my heart broken.  Both of those are false, and I was even more ashamed to be upset over a breakup of a non-official-relationship.  I've even fallen in love (though never told any of the guys that I loved them) and had my heart broken.  But almost all of them were relationships I knew could never work long-term, so if I let myself fall it was my own damn fault.  I should have known better, and controlled my feelings better (hah!).  I wanted to avoid that bone-crunching level of heartbreak so I tried to not get too close to anyone, or cut it off if we were getting too close.  Even with B#9, I ended it because I had fallen for him.  At the start our relationship I hoped that I would learn that I could have a meaningful relationship, it could end, and I would be ok.  Instead I landed at, "I Should Never Date Anyone, Ever."

My "crazy" isn't even all that crazy: I don't stalk people, I don't send lots of text messages or call repeatedly, or other stereotypical "scorned woman" behavior.  But I stew about things, talk to my friends about it, and generally just drive myself crazy.  For example, when B#9 took several days to respond to a text (post-breakup and post-month-of-silence), I did not send him angry texts or emails or call him demanding to know if he was ever going to respond.  But I was upset about it and after a (male) friend gave me a "He's Not Into It" talk I cried on his couch until he convinced me to go drink the sadness away.  And I hate being that person, someone who needs a "He's Not Into It" talk, who panics if a text message isn't replied to in 24 hours, who can convince herself that he never actually cared or meant anything he said.  I hate knowing all the reasons I shouldn't want to be with someone, yet part of me still wanting to be with that person.  In the rest of my life I'm not that person, I'm level-headed and calm under pressure, and it often surprises people when they see this other side.  It even surprises me sometimes, and I don't think anyone likes feeling "crazy."

More on trying to understand the different parts of me and parts of my brain in Part 2!

It's Not You, It's Me (2015 Priorities)

Happy 2015!
I hope your new year is already going well.  I've decided 2015 is a year to Take The Bull By The Horns, so I've been trying to make the most of it!

At the top of my priority list is a feature film that I've written and will direct, a dark comedy called The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide (I wasn't kidding about the "dark" part of "dark comedy")!  We're working on putting together financing: last month we got Investment Agreements and I've been writing a Business Plan.  As an indie filmmaker you have to wear LOTS of hats (although *ahem* we are looking for Producers to join our team) so I need to devote a lot of time and energy to this project.  It's been a dream of mine for several years and it's currently my #1 priority to get this movie made and to our audience, so I have to be laser-beam focused and tenacious, aka this.

*NSFM Language Warning: 2 F-bombs ahead*
What's not at the top of my priority list?  Dating.  I'm not throwing in the towel, but dating is going on the back burner.  I definitely need a break from OkCupid, which lately has only been a source of frustration.  Whether it's weird messages (such as, "Any stalkers yet?") or weird guys (a guy who is living in a hammock at the beach recently sent me a series of smiley faces), there's been a real lack of anyone in the Fuck Yes category.  We're getting close to the Fuck-It-I'm-Bored category of dates, which I want to avoid.  I have better things to do with my time than go out with guys I'm not interested in, and they'd probably rather be out with girls that actually might date them, so it's a win-win.

I have been using the dating app Hinge, which matches you with people you're connected to through Facebook friends.  It's basically an app that does the real life matchmaking I was asking my friends to do, so that's cool!  It's a smaller pool of people, which can be good or bad.  For right now it's good because it's less time consuming than OkCupid, but seems to be a bit more substantial than Tinder.  A photographer friend took some new photos of me, and I'm curious to see if some better photos make a difference in who I match with.  I still swipe on Tinder now and then, but usually when I'm about to open Tinder I think, "Is this really the best use of my time?" and usually the answer is.  A friend invited me to a Tinder Dating Game event tonight, so that should at least be entertaining...?

I also still meet guys the good old fashioned way: in real life.  On New Years Eve I literally got picked up at a bar (as in, a guy lifted me into the air.  I don't know why), so at least my weird interactions with guys aren't limited to the virtual world!  But I'm still working on the chutzpah to talk to handsome strangers, and it's a homework assignment I don't mind. :)

And I'm really enjoying just living my life.  Sometimes when I'm out with friends I feel like I should be more actively trying to catch the eye of a handsome stranger, but I'm also quite happy to enjoy hanging out with my friends.  In this new year I'm trying to be very conscious of how I'm spending my time, and make sure I'm spending it with people I really like or on things that are very important.  And watching a lot of movies!

Recently my brother and I were debating whether you should put a lot of effort into dating or whether it'll happen when it happens.  I feel like for the past several months I've put a lot of time and effort into dating, through this experiment and blog.   So for the next month or few, I think I'll try putting that energy into other parts of my life and see how it goes!

I've learned a lot already through this experiment and blog, and I'm so grateful for what I've learned and the conversations it's started.  I have to thank the Bachelors who have been part of the experiment, there literally wouldn't have been an experiment without you guys!  I'm also so grateful for everyone who has been reading, my friends and family, my fellow bloggers, and the strange strangers of the Internet, thanks for following the adventures of my Rubber Ball Heart!  It's been really encouraging to hear from people who have been reading the blog, to know I'm not just talking to myself over here.

If you want to keep in touch in the meantime, the Twitter account for this experiment is @postmodernmatch and The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide is @taggts_.  Or you can drop me a line in the Contact Form on the right side of the blog!

Much love
xoxo
Jean

8 Reasons it Doesn't Suck to Be Single for the Holidays

*Includes a holiday sprinkling of NSFM (Not Safe for Mom) language*

As the Holiday Season starts earlier each year, so does the Holiday Season Singles Anxiety.  The popular narrative is that it is awful to be single for the holidays.  But let's be honest, unless your family kicks you out of their Christmas card for your single status (like Bridget), it's really not so bad.

My dating activity has come to a screeching halt.  The Speed Dating events I've found seem sketchy, Grouper is only in NYC right now, and my friends don't seem to know any eligible bachelors that I'm not already friends with.  I'm bored with OkCupid and no one who has sent a message has been "Fuck Yes" worthy.  A sample recent message (verbatim): "Heyy you look tooo sweet, you are giving me a toothache 'ouch'  lol  ;D"  And I'm like... 

Bachelor #9 and I are talking again (platonically), but in our catch-up talk I seemed to fail at the "I'm Ok" side of the "I'm Ok, You're Ok" discussion.  Nothing makes you say Joy to the World like getting that Look of Concern.  
P.S. I'm fine.
P.P.S.

I've had to face that I'm Super Duper Single for the Holidays. (Can I get a cape?)
Instead of crying into my eggnog, I've been thinking about how being single for the holidays has some advantages:

1) You don't have to go to your significant other's family gatherings, office parties, or friend's friend's parties.  The holiday season is busy enough with just my own social engagements, I don't mind not having to juggle someone else's party schedule.

2) You don't have to decide whether to invite your (perhaps not-so) significant other to your family gatherings office parties, or friend's friend's parties.  Maybe you just started dating, maybe you still don't know if you're "hanging out" or "dating," but the holidays can put a lot of pressure on relationships and non-relationships alike.

3) You can meet someone new (or lots of new someones) at all those holiday parties.  True story: I've been getting better at talking to strangers, and have actually been meeting real guys at holiday parties.  These conversations aren't turning into dates (yet?), but there have been some phone numbers exchanged.  And sometimes it's just fun to flirt.  The best news about all these holiday parties: each new week means more parties and meeting more fish in the sea.

4) Or you could finally make your move/pounce on your crush under the mistletoe.  Nevermind that this usually backfires in movies and TV.  But speaking from personal experience, if it does backfire, at least you probably won't have to see them until next year.

5) You can get a jump start on those New Years Resolutions.  You know that person who is saved in your phone as "Do Not Answer"?  It's better to be on your own than with someone you know is bad for you.  Instead of swearing off the bad behavior starting January 1, start now.  Do Not Answer those calls/texts/snapchats, and Do Not Initiate those calls/texts/snapchats.  2015 will thank you.

6) You can do the holidays your way.  If you want to listen to Maria Carey's Christmas album 24/7, go for it (as long as I don't have to listen).  This year I'm learning how to do the holidays my way: the holiday music I like (such as "Christmas is Going to the Dogs" by The Eels or "Spotlight on Christmas" by Rufus Wainwright), I made a wreath instead of getting a tree, and a total absence of ugly Christmas sweaters.

7) You can finish the year strong!  Were there things you wanted to do in 2014 and didn't get around to?  You still have time, don't let it wait until 2015 if you can get it done in 2014!  Starting December 1st I've been meditating every day, because I'd been meaning to and there's no time like the present! (har har meditation humor)

8) And/Or give yourself a break.  Last year I had quite a bit of romantic drama and I declared December 21st-31st: 10 Days of No New Boy Drama (some just to see if it was possible).  It was awesome.  The end of one year and beginning of another is a good time to look at what's working in your life and what you'd like to work on.  Not New Years Resolutions like, "Go on a diet," but learning what helps you be your happiest, healthiest self.

So Super Duper Singles, repeat after me: I don't want to just be with someone, I want to be with someone awesome. 
xoxo

P.S. Los Angeles!  I'm doing a standup show at Flappers in Burbank TOMORROW night (12/18) at 8pm.  You can buy tickets here.  We'll make you laugh, I promise!

F&@# Yes and Family Matchmaker Month!

I celebrated Thanksgiving with family, went to my 10 year high school reunion (which was actually really fun!), and caught up on Serial.  Now, I'm back! 

*Includes some NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) language*

We wrapped up Katt's Matchmaker week, and there are no new matches.  

There are a few contributing factors:

1) My head wasn't exactly in the game.  It was interesting to observe/remember how I handle breakups: I throw myself into my work.  While I know it's healthier than throwing myself at the next guy that comes along, it wasn't very conducive to a dating experiment.  I.e. I had zero interest in OkCupid.  Even without a breakup, I often feel OkCupid fatigue after a while- more on that later. 

2) The profile wasn't funny (and I'm a comedian).  A guy friend looked at the profile and said that it was telling, not showing.  Don't tell me you're good at making people laugh, show me that you're good at making people laugh!  My profile before the experiment had leaned too much on humor (sometimes absurdity) and it's been good to push myself to be more genuine in the profile.  But it should have some humor!

3) I'm adopting Mark Manson's Law of "Fuck Yes or No": Only getting involved with guys that I am really enthusiastic about getting involved with, and they share the enthusiasm for the relationship.  I've often felt more "Sure, Why Not" about guys I've gotten involved with than "Fuck Yes."  At the beginning of the experiment I was focused on dating different types of guys than I normally did, so I wanted to be open to all types of guys.  This has helped me learn a lot about what kind of guy I'm looking for, and I'm grateful to the Bachelors for what they've helped me learn.  But as I'm getting a better idea of who I want to date, I don't want to go on dates with guys that I know aren't a good match.  I don't want to waste my time, or their's!

There were some guys that sent nice messages this week, but no one was in the Fuck Yes category so there are no new matches.  There were also a lot of boring messages, maybe because the profile wasn't funny? 

Katt liked Mark Manson's Law of FY/N and also sent me his post about Love Is Not Enough.  While I don't necessarily agree with bashing John Lennon, I definitely agree that love doesn't make a relationship work.  It's an important piece of the puzzle, but only one piece.  I wish someone had told me this when I was 19 and in a very tumultuous relationship, although I probably wouldn't have listened!  Ah, "What Doesn't Kill You" or whatever.  

--------------

We started a new Matchmaker week month! 

I'd been planning for my parents to have a Matchmaker week, my mom had been the Matchmaker for Week 1 and wanted another shot at it, and I was curious to get their insights since they've been following the experiment and blog.  As Thanksgiving approached, I thought, "What about having a Family Matchmaker Week?"  My brother was also a Matchmaker (for Week 5) and if we all put our heads together on a profile it'd be like a Matchmaker Supergroup!

Thanksgiving weekend I sat down with my parents and brother to write An Awesome Profile, combining all I've learned from the experiment.  We tried to balance my city girl/farm girl interests, my passion for film and writing, my travel stories, that I'm looking for an honest and kind guy, my romantic side and serious side, oh yeah and make it funny.  It took a while.  

Luckily we can always make each other laugh, for example: while working on the "I spend a lot of time thinking about" section, the first thing my mom suggested was "Climate change," not remembering that it was the first thing she'd suggested when we wrote the profile in Week 1!  I laughed and said I didn't think it was best to put that as the first thing I think about a lot, but it did make the final cut (further down the list).  

It also reminded me how much nuance there is in writing a good online dating profile.  Often my parents would suggest something and my brother and I would basically say, "Yes that's true but you can't say it like that in a profile!"  It was important to my dad that we write about my solo travels because "that takes balls" (his words) and it would attract guys.  But "I like to travel" is an OkCupid cliche, so the challenge was not only to figure out what we wanted to convey but also interesting ways to say it.  

We looked at pictures on the profile, and again came to the conclusion that I need new pictures.  Ugh.  I prefer to be behind the camera, but I need to ask friends to help me take better pictures (including this to publicly hold myself accountable).  

We're changing the process slightly also: since I've realized how important physical attraction is, I'll be the first filter (instead of the Matchmakers).  If I don't find a guy attractive, I won't go on a date with him.  What a concept!

Why a month?  Remember the OkCupid fatigue I mentioned?  Lately on OkCupid I've felt like, "Haven't I seen everyone on here?"  So I want to mix it up.  This profile will be up for December and I'll also try other methods of meeting guys: speed dating, singles mixers, Grouper, asking friends to be wingmen/wingwomen, and hey friends/family, set me up with single guys you know! 

These other methods also have the bonus of community (not the show!).  The isolation of online dating is part of what gets to me.  The Matchmakers help, but applying the Law of Fuck Yes makes OkCupid a bit more bleak.  I wish I was attracted to every guy who sends a nice message, but that is not the case.  Recently I was looking at a guy's profile and he was cute! Tall! Monogamous!  I was optimistic until I read his profile.  He talked about seeing a UFO, doing DMT, and 9/11 being an inside job.  Ugh.  Those are the times that I feel like throwing in the towel.  Hopefully more involvement of my friends, even just laughing with me about the strangeness of dating, will help.  Good times or bad times are always better with friends!

Beginning, Middle, and End. (Two Dates and a Breakup)

Phew.  It's been a heck of a week.  I'm basically going to cram 6 blog posts into this one, so here goes:

1) We wrapped up Ariana's Matchmaker week.  During the week she'd asked me to respond to the incoming OkCupid messages, and picked two guys that I had been sending messages back and forth with.

Introducing:
Bachelor #14: 26 years old, a filmmaker (like myself).  Ariana liked him because we'd mentioned Tilda Swinton in the profile (Only Lovers Left Alives is one of my favorite movies of this year) and in his initial message he asked if I'd heard about when she slept in a glass box for installation art.

Bachelor #15: 36 years old, a comic book editor.  Ariana liked him because he seemed like a good mix of nerdy, intellectual, and seems like he has similar values as I do (he referenced the Occupy movement and climate change).  I was very intrigued that he's lived and traveled around the world (as I have) and he seems really positive about his life, which is definitely something I'm looking for.

2) I had a date with Bachelor #14 (Date #9).  We met for drinks in my neighborhood, and it was actually nice to have a simpler date after my date with Bachelor #12.  Since I'm combining all of these into one post, I'll give the very brief version of the date: it felt more like friends/networking drinks than a date.  I always like meeting new people and we shared film and travel stories, so it wasn't bad but I didn't feel any chemistry.  I haven't heard from him so I think we're on the same page about that.  I don't know where the etiquette is there, I've been trying to give the bachelors a heads up of what I'm going to write before I post it, but it seems odd to contact someone just to say I'm not feeling it.  Thoughts?

3) We started Matchmaker Week #8, with my best friend's mom Katt as the Matchmaker.  Katt has been one of the biggest supporters of the experiment, she's like a second mom to me and has often posted comments on Facebook about the blog posts.  She's also never shy about her opinions, for example her comment on the previous blog post was, "Taser.  I'm just saying."

After I'd asked her to be the Matchmaker, she sent me some questions to get a better idea of what I'm looking for, including:

"You are a writer and a film maker, so I want to start there.  Are there any fictional guys you are attracted to?"

"Where do you see yourself personally in five years? Waking up next to a guy who stays? Visiting someone on the weekends? Is sex important? Is romance important? Do you want someone who will hold your hand in public? Get you vegan cupcakes when you are sad? What are you looking for long term, not just for the experiment?”

Phew.  Lots to think about.  She also sent me a Dr. Nerdlove article titled "What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams" which really does have some good advice and some adorable gifs.  

Katt is also a writer, so I shared with her the profile from my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, the profile I had up on OkCupid before the experiment, and combined with the knowledge she has from knowing me for the past 15+ years, she put together a profile.  It looked good to me, so we put up some different photos and the new profile.

4) But it was a tough week because I realized two things:
     a) I was falling for Bachelor #9, and therefore
     b) We needed to break up.

I took a few days to consider it and tried to find some alternative to breaking up, but there didn't seem to be any way to scale back our relationship that didn't seem false.  It seemed so strange to break up with someone because I like him too much.  But the reality was that my attachment to him could interfere with my potential to develop a relationship with someone who actually is looking for a monogamous relationship.

At the end of our previous date B#9 and I had a serious conversation about both of our concerns about our relationship, and whether we were doing the right thing by dating. Neither of us want to hurt the other and we knew that it was a risk of dating, but we also really both enjoyed spending time together. As we talked, we both felt like we were doing the right thing. But as he left, he said to let him know if I thought more about it and changed my mind. So when I did change my mind, it was nice to know that it wouldn't be out of the blue for him.

When we met up and talked, I think it was a bit of a relief for both of us. We'd both been seeing how close we were getting and how tough it could be. It was nice to find a time to end it that felt fair to both of us, before things got messy and we resented each other. But that still didn't make it easy. We both were really sad, I cried quite a bit and it was nice to be able to cry on his shoulder. We also laughed some and talked a lot, and it was nice to be able to say everything. This was the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and (at least so far) the healthiest breakup I've ever had, because we were so open and honest with each other. 

 

I am so grateful for the time that he and I had together, because it showed me a totally different type of relationship than I'd experienced before: calm, communicative, supportive. Now that I know what that looks like, it will help me find it again. At one point I worried that I would get spoiled by getting used to being with a guy who respects me and treats me well, and then I realized that's the point. To be clear. "treats me well" doesn't mean fancy/expensive stuff: our only gifts to each other were $1 books (on a date at a book store) and though our dates were romantic they weren't very fancy. We just enjoyed spending time together, wherever we were. And that's something really great to experience, to be reminded that it's possible.

Honestly, I think a big difference between this relationship/breakup and others I've had is that he really took responsibility for his feelings and was honest about them. I always knew how he felt about me, even on our first date. He didn't feel the need to hide his feelings, and I never felt a need to push to figure out what he felt. On our third date, when we discussed whether we should date or not, he said that we would both likely get emotionally attached to each other. Most guys I've dated would've said to me, "You might get attached," but wouldn't have admitted that they too might also get emotionally attached. And when we were breaking up, he was really sad about it too and said that this had been one of the most intense relationships he'd been in. But he also felt like it was the right thing to end it now.

Since he was so honest about his feelings, it helped me be more honest about my feelings too.  I noticed it was nice that he often told me things he liked about me, so I often told him things I liked about him.  He could also read me really well, and sometimes seemed to know how I was feeling even before I did. Thankfully he never tried to tell me what I was feeling, he was always kind and patient. It encouraged me to be very honest with him about what I was feeling, even if took some time between when he asked me and when I understood what I felt. I'm very used to being able to read other people well but very unused to someone being able to read me well, and I know it's part of why I felt so connected to him.

It's been a few days since we broke up, and it hasn't been fun or easy but I'm definitely alright. I get sad sometimes but I try to appreciate the good times we had together and all that I learned. That kind of connection with someone is rare and that's why it's hard to let it go, but I'm grateful for it.  We're going to give each other a month of space (no communication) and then try to be friends, so I'm glad that we didn't have to say goodbye forever.  

(And for whenever he reads this, #drunkstarfishsaysyolo.)

Some things I'd forgotten about breakups:
A) "We need to talk." I didn't actually use this phrase, because it's so cliche. I didn't want to break up with him via text (because that's rude) but I also didn't want to pretend like everything was totally ok and then have him surprised by the breakup. I hadn't broken up with anyone in a while, and it was a tough balance of not saying too much or too little via text until we could talk in person.

B) Don't listen to the radio when you have a heartache.  One heartsick afternoon I heard "Love is a Battlefield," "The Bed's Too Big Without You," and "You Make Loving Fun" on the radio.  Tears may have been shed.

C) Telling everyone is a bummer.  Especially because of the blog, everyone in my life knew that B#9 and I were dating.  My friends were getting updates on how sickeningly sweet it is when two romantics date.  Since many of my past relationships weren't labelled "relationships." less people knew about them and there were less people to tell when it ended.

-----

And maybe I thought I could bounce back a little more quickly than was realistic.  

5) Bachelor #15 and I went on a date (Date #10) a few days after B#9 and I broke up. B#15 had planned a mini golf date, because he'd read that I prefer non-traditional date activities. I was really looking forward to the date, but as I started to get ready for the date my heart literally started to hurt. My emotions have a fun trick of presenting as physical feelings, especially if I'm avoiding the emotions (ugh, I get it, I'm sensitive). I was surprised that I was feeling this, since I'd been going on dates while dating B#9. But it made me realize that maybe I need to take a bit of a break to give myself time to process the breakup.

Bachelor #15 and I had fun on our mini golf date and really great conversation over drinks after. Early in the date he said that he really enjoys cooking (and went to culinary school for a time) and one of the things he misses most about being in a relationship is having someone to cook for. I thought that was very sweet, and heard the "kind/nurturing" cues in it.

But I wasn't feeling romantic chemistry. I was trying to assess my feelings/attraction level throughout the date, and keep in check with myself about how the breakup was affecting my feelings. He'd asked me to be really open and honest with him and I though I was. But at the end of the evening he went for a goodnight kiss and I turned so he kissed my cheek, and I realized that my body language was much more honest than I'd been able to be. I was quite frustrated with myself afterwards, that I hadn't been able to be more forthcoming verbally and avoid that awkwardness for both of us. I texted him when I got home to apologize for not being more honest, and let him know I'd like to be friends if he's open to it. We texted back and forth a bit, and although I wish I could have been more honest in person at least I cleared it up pretty quickly. It's the practice.

6) So I'm going to take some time to process everything that's been going on. We're going to extend Katt's Matchmaker Week an additional calendar week, and I hope that'll be sufficient. Also, part of the point of this experiment is to look at the role of community in dating, and now I get to see the role of community in a breakup. I have to really let myself feel this, and maybe I need to watch a romcom and eat ice cream with a friend instead of pretending like nothing has changed.

When Katt asked me about fictional guys that I have crushes on, one of the guys that came to mind is John Cusack's character in High Fidelity. He's far more high-strung than a guy I would want to date, but I relate to how important music is to him. I don't make Top 10 lists, but music is my language and I try to find the right music for particular moments.  "Careful You" by TV on the Radio has been the song that reminded me of my relationship with B#9 from the beginning. It wasn't "Our Song" because we never listened to it together, but everyone kept telling me to "be careful" (because I think they could tell that I'd started to fall for him so quickly) and the lyrics are exactly how I felt. 

I've been thinking about Breakup Albums this week, from Rumors by Fleetwood Mac to Coral Fang by The Distillers (about Distillers lead singer Brody Dalle's divorce from Rancid's Tim Armstrong).  The new TV on the Radio album, Seeds was released today and it's definitely the album of this breakup for me.  From I will care for you/Oh, careful you in "Careful You" to Everything's gonna be ok, I keep telling myself of the song "Trouble," it's like Tunde Adebimpe is in my head (in a good way).  Heartache is part of the human experience, it's something we can all relate to.  And I highly recommend the album, heartache or no.  

Date #8: A Bullfight at MOCA

When I wrote about Date #4 I listed some General Rules for a (Bad) First Date.  Since then I've learned that to some guys, setting Rules for a First Date is like waving a red flag in front of a bull.  Introducing Date #8, featuring Bachelor #12 as the bull, and myself as a matador.  Olé. 

We had an unusual bullfighting arena: the Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA) in Downtown LA.  He had suggested meeting there, and I hadn't been in a while so I agreed.  I find it interesting that I hadn't been on a museum date before this experiment, and now 4 of the 8 dates have been at museums!

Bachelor #12 had read quite a bit of the blog and was at times self-conscious about it, saying that he knew too much about me.  He's a very intellectual and very intense guy.  He is 25 years old and Non-Monogamous, which I found interesting because Bachelor #9 is also 25 and Non-Monogamous.  As it turns out they are very different (although they both call me a hipster, which I find funny because I figured I'd feel less hip dating younger guys).  As we chatted about relationships he said that all relationships are temporary and all we're left with is what we learn from each other, which I found rather profound and appropriate as I'm learning from all of the different bachelors.

But he set the tone for the date fairly early on by saying, "I'm going to break all of your First Date Rules."  At the time I actually interpreted this as an advanced apology for potential social awkwardness.  But upon reviewing the date as a whole, it now seems like more of a statement of intent.  I don't know if he wanted to challenge my First Date Rules to make me feel foolish for having stated them, or if he just found it odd that I'm not the most socially normative person and yet was setting Rules.

Either way, he indeed did break almost every First Date Rule that I had outlined.  Perhaps most strikingly (and sort of hilariously) as he was telling me about his philosophy studies and his own personal moral code, and he said, "For example, I'm not sure that there's anything wrong with killing babies."  He would later tell me that in philosophy debates, "killing babies" is a frequently used example.  I took some philosophy courses and was perhaps not as shocked by this statement as some would be, but I think I'd been zoning out a bit during his rant and so my first thought was, "Why am I standing in an art museum listening to this guy talk about killing babies?"

New First Date Rule: Try to avoid talking about killing babies. 

Let me poke some holes in my red flag: I never meant the Rules to be iron clad, I think there are generally exceptions to every rule.  Different people's First Date boundaries will be different, and a good date is when your boundaries are compatible.  I expressed my preferences while writing about Date #4, and am continually learning about what factors contribute to a good or bad date for me.  And this date was no exception.

For as long as I can remember, when I was talking about what I was looking for in a partner, I would say that I was looking for a guy who challenged me.  This date with B#12 made me think about what that means, and what I'm really looking for.  By starting off the date saying, "I'm going to break all of your First Date Rules," he was definitely challenging me, and it can also be seen as saying, "I'm going to make you uncomfortable."  I'm not looking for the type of guy who just says, "Yes, Dear" to everything, but I'm also not looking for a guy who will intentionally make me uncomfortable (especially on a first date).  I've been with a lot of Challenging guys, I've been with a "Yes, Dear" guy or two, but only lately have I experienced what it's like to be with a guy who is Nurturing.

I hadn't recognized how much I'd gotten used to a calm, nurturing dynamic until after this Bullfight Date with B#12 when I realized, I'm tired of relationships that are so combative.  I push myself a lot, constantly, and a guy who is supportive is better for me right now than one who is pushing.  I'm also a rather stubborn person, so being pushed toward something can just makes me resistant to it.  But if someone can give me the space to work it out on my own or give constructive feedback, it's a smoother process.

Boom, paradigm shift: "Challenging" gets moved down the list of traits I'm looking for in a guy, and "Nurturing/Kind" moves way up.  Not that Challenging it totally off the list, but even that the way someone challenges me is more in the Nurturing/Kind way than Aggressive.

I realize that Nurturing is not typically seen as a masculine tendency.  I briefly dated a guy a few years ago who was condescending and when I talked to him about it he said I was looking for him to be nurturing and "Guys aren't nurturing."  Luckily I'm finding that's not true!  Maybe Kind or Supportive are more comfortable words for guys.  I stay away from the word "Nice" because guys sometimes get caught in "Nice Guys Finish Last" and it can motivate them to act like not very nice guys.

It's also interesting that B#12 matched during my friend Chelsea's Matchmaker week, which was more aggressive profile, while B#9 (who is nurturing) matched during my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, which was a more romantic profile.  A few things I take from this:

1) I am more compatible with a guy who responded to a romantic profile than an aggressive profile.  I really would need more data on this because B#9 was the only guy that I actually went on a date with from Greg's Matchmaker week.  But I think I should lean toward dating more romantic guys.  Also the way I'm represented in the profile may affect the way the bachelors interact with me.  B#9 said he'd thought of challenging me about my First Date Rules but decided he didn't want to be that way, perhaps because I'd been portrayed in a romantic/sensitive way.  B#12 probably generally challenges people, but may have been even more challenging with me because that profile had presented me as a more aggressive person.

2) Let's talk about gender roles.  Stereotypically, aggressive is masculine and romantic is feminine.  Yet, Chelsea (female) is our aggressive example and Greg (male) is our romantic example.  I am looking for a masculine man who is in touch with his feminine side, as I am a feminine woman but I also am in touch with my masculine side.  I prefer Power Tool Therapy to Retail Therapy; I'm happy to put on a dress and heels for a night out but spend most of my time wearing yoga pants and running shoes.  I really hope that our society can move past such strict ideas of gender norms because they can be really harmful and limiting to both genders (and anyone that doesn't feel they fit into the gender binary).

3) I actually need to get more comfortable with my romantic/sensitive side.  Today I apologized for "getting all emo" to a friend, and she lovingly scolded me a bit for minimizing my feelings.  I've realized that being with a nurturing guy allows me to let my nurturing side show more, which I actually like.  But it takes a bit of adjusting (and reminding myself) that I like nurturing guys and the nurturing side of myself.

4) How do I figure out who is Kind/Nurturing?  At least for the experiment: OkCupid has a section called "Personality" in which they show which personality traits are strongest in someone compared to average.  One of those personality traits is Kind (I believe Compassionate is also on there sometimes) so I'll be paying more attention to that in guys' profiles.  Also, I've started to notice that some guys list "Kindness" on their profile as something that is important to them.  And I am working on getting better at recognizing the way people show kindness or empathy in communication, online and offline.

If you need more evidence for why I might prefer Kindness, check out this article: Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits. (Spoiler alert: the 2 traits are Kindness and Generosity).

But now back to the date, where I hadn't figured out that paradigm shift yet...

I felt like B#12 and I weren't really clicking, but he suggested that we get drinks so we could get to know each other in a different setting.  From the experimental perspective, I was curious: would we connect differently in a different setting?  B#9 and I had recently discussed whether the setting of our first date affected how much we connected.  So why not get a drink and see if a change of scenery brings a change of tone?

We went to a nearby bar and got a booth, and we did seem to connect better over drinks.  Maybe a drink helped both of us relax a bit, and we were a bit more playful in our debates.

**This is now where anyone (i.e. family members) who don't want to read about anything remotely sexual should stop reading.  Love you all.**

One round of drinks turned into two, and we got a bit cozy in the booth.  When he put his arm around me and kissed me, I kissed him back.  I was a bit surprised myself, but I also felt like, "Why not?"  I tend to be a rather serious person, and sometimes it's nice to let go a bit.

But his hands were wandering a bit more than I was comfortable with, and when I had pushed his hand away from a certain area twice he said, "You're only half fun."  I was taken aback at this and asked which half of me was not fun, and he said the half that was pushing his hand away.  Bam.  Any goodwill that we had accrued quickly evaporated.

I think I've mentioned that I'm working on boundaries, and I know that one of the reasons it's difficult for me to clearly express physical boundaries with guys is that I'm worried they won't like me if I say "No."  So when a guy essentially says that he likes me less because I was saying no (even just with body language) it was frustrating.  The good news is that I didn't give up my boundaries, I stood my ground and he didn't try again.  He apologized and said he didn't want me to feel pressured, but acknowledged that clearly I had felt pressured.  The bad news is that after the date, I didn't feel good about what had happened.  I was blaming myself, wondering what should I have done differently to prevent that from happening.  Should I have worn a different dress?  Not gotten two drinks with him?  Not gotten drinks at all?

I am still working on boundaries and communication, and I know I could have been clearer with B#12 about my boundaries (and clearer with myself).  But we'd also fallen into a trap that you might not think that two people who had spent the evening discussing philosophy and unusual moral codes would fall into: guy feels that he is entitled to access to girl's body, girl feels shame and guilt.  I don't intend to shame myself or B#12, but to point out that if even two very educated people who are very aware of and often eschew social norms can get caught up in these gender dynamics, it's a good thing for us to take a beat to think about.

I firmly believe:

Consent is sexy. 

Everyone should feel safe and heard, whether it's a first date or a tenth.  

I've heard from a few guys lately that it's difficult for guys to navigate modern masculinity, and I would suggest reading articles like Yes, You Can Be a Gentleman and Have Great Sex, or basically anything by Jordan Gray, or other articles at The Good Men Project.  And ladies, check them out too.  Both genders' struggles are entwined, and it would help for each to have a better understanding and empathy for the challenges of each gender.

B#12 texted me several days after our date to plan another date.  I told him that I didn't think we should see each other again because I think we're looking for different things and I felt that my boundaries weren't respected, but I appreciated what I'd learned from the date.  He was very apologetic, and I told him I appreciated it and hoped it could be an opportunity for learning and growth for him also.

It's unusual for me to be so upfront with someone about crossing boundaries, and I really appreciate that B#12 was apologetic instead of defensive.  This blog forces me to be more honest with the bachelors than I normally would be, but it's been really positive and encouraging.  I also appreciate that the blog allows me the space to (or requires that I) analyze each date and what I learn from them.  And I appreciate each of the bachelors for being part of the experiment and letting me write about them!

Who do you want to attract?

"Who do you want to attract? Someone more like yourself or someone who complements you?"

Don't tell other writers that I let the cat out of the bag, but procrastination is a big part of the writing process.  I wish I could tell you that it's always easy to sit down and write.  The truth is that sometimes when I need to write, instead I putter around my apartment, clean, stare out the window, check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and then Facebook again, i.e. anything other than write.  

This week has felt like a Master class in Procrastination, with the new Cold War Kids album as the soundtrack.

We started my friend Ariana's Matchmaker week several days ago.  I'd been meaning to write about it, but then I got sick, and I needed to write about Date #7, then I had other work to do, and I hadn't figured out how to write about it so I was avoiding it.  

There was nothing wrong with the start of Ariana's Matchmaker week, but it had neither the drama of writing the Romantic profile during my brother Greg's week (Week 5: Looking for Love...?) nor the raucous shenanigans the Confident profile of my friend Chelsea's week (Week 6: Tequila, Zombies, and Being High Maintenance).  

Ariana and I had talked about who we were trying to attract, but we didn't come up with any specific type.  I said maybe tattooed guys who ride motorcycles, since that's the opposite of the guys I've been dating, but there aren't a ton of those type of guys on OkCupid.  I just realized we used the word "badass" twice, so maybe that helps with that target demographic?  We did try to show my outdoorsy side, as well as my creative, healthy, and adventurous sides.  It was also good to catch up with Ariana, she's been living in Tennessee for a bit and I miss being able to chat with her over coffee or on a long walk.  The experiment has been a fun excuse to catch up with friends.  

But I hadn't found that Thing to write about.  Usually these Things politely appear during the writing of the profile, or even in the first few days of the Matchmaker week.  This one hid for the better part of a week, and then tapped me on the shoulder and punched me in the nose. 

 

I was chatting with a friend, funnily enough on OkCupid because he'd found the dating experiment profile.  We started talking about our respective OkCupid experiences, and we've both had trouble attracting people that we could actually be in relationships with.  I expressed some frustration that one of my goals of the experiment was to figure out how to attract the type of guys that I wanted to attract, but I'd at least been learning more about the types of guys that I'm compatible with so at least that should help.  And then he asked me two rather simple questions, ones which I thought I basically knew the answers to: "Who do you want to attract? Someone more like yourself or someone who complements you?"  And as I tried to articulate answers, I was confounded.  Stumped.  Baffled.  I got into a bit of a mood. I washed dishes, dyed my hair, and did anything I could think of to avoid these questions.  I feel like I've learned so much, I've been writing about the things I'm learning, and I realized recently that the experiment has been going on for three months!  So what have I learned about what kind of guy I'm looking for? 

Ok well let's start with some easy ones:

1) Monogamous: I hadn't thought that much about it before the experiment, but recent events have made me realize that monogamy really is something that I am looking for right now.  I don't believe that everyone has to be monogamous, but it seems to be the best thing for me at this point.  

2) Taller than me: Sorry guys, I tried dating guys my height or shorter but I clearly prefer dating guys who are taller than me.  I never say never, but call it a strong preference.  

While we're at it:

3) Mutual physical attraction: It may sound obvious, but I've realized it is very important to me.  

We've gotten through some more obvious ones, so let's dig in:

4) Not Too "Normal": I'd long felt that I shouldn't date "normal" guys, but in Week 3 my cousin Emily gave me a good functional definition of Too Normal, "they haven’t thought of breaking out of social constructs."  You don't have to be breaking all social norms, but you're aware of social norms and make conscious choices of which social constructs you abide by and which you eschew.  

5) Communicative: This was definitely something I valued before the experiment but it's become even more important.  My own communication skills have been improving, and I've been learning that it's better to have the awkward conversations than avoid them and hope/assume the other person is on the same page.  Bachelor #9 and Bachelor #13 have both helped me see this.  Also, I include listening skills under the Communicative umbrella, as speaking and listening are both important parts of communication.  

6) Easy-Going/Chill: I've noticed this with a few of the Bachelors, but I think I first became very aware of it on Date #3: A Classy Date with Bachelor #4.  I'm more at ease around guys who are at ease.  I like guys that can go with the flow, and enjoy the journey.  

7) Generally Positive Outlook: Bachelor #6 brought this one front and center for me (as a negative example, and several of the bachelors have been positive examples).  We all have complaints, concerns, or bad moods, but I need to be with someone who can at least look for silver linings instead of looking for more dark clouds.    

8) Grounded/Emotionally Mature: I'm still working on how to explain this one, but it's a quality that B#9 has and it sets him apart from every other guy I've been in a relationship with.  It's related to Easy-Going/Chill but on a different level.  The best way to explain it is that he's been there while I'm dealing with some tough stuff, and when I'm emotionally or physically bouncing off the walls (my Rubber Ball Heart, and when I'm nervous I'm a human pinball (not literally bouncing off walls)) he's calm, steady, supportive and patient.  He doesn't make it about him and go ricocheting in a different direction (which is what most guys I've dated would do).  But this also takes adjusting to.  I'm used to Guys Who Disappear and expect him to do the same, so it's nice but also sometimes a surprise when he acts differently. 

9) Kind: This was definitely not on my priority list when I was younger, but in the past few years I've realized it's important for me.  A guy used to really get my attention if he argued with me, and now I know that I don't want to be in a relationship full of arguments.  I like guys who have opinions and can articulate them, and I don't want to be with a guy who agrees with me just for the sake of agreeing with me.  But having different opinions doesn't mean you have to fight.  

I'm still trying to figure out whether I'm best with a guy who is more similar or complementary.  It seems that I'm looking for a guy who is similar to me in many ways, but there are some aspects where different/complementary seems to work better.  

Also, things I've learned about me:

1) Texting is my preferred mode of communication: a phone call now and then is good (and any important conversations should happen face to face), but overall texting is what I prefer for checking in or conveying information.  However, texting does have some problems.  Sometimes it can be tough to read someone's tone in a text, especially if I don't know them well.  Also, if someone takes 6+ hours to reply to a text it freaks me out.  See: Guys Who Disappear.  

2) A lot changes for me in a week: B#9 and I have been seeing each other once a week, and it's made me realize how much changes for me in a week.  I'm a freelancer, so the types of jobs I have from week to week can vary widely.  My hair color currently is changing several times per week (bright red, dark blue, blonde, and lavender, just in the past week or two).  Luckily I'm not the type of person whose life plan changes on a weekly basis, but there's always a lot to catch up on.  I used to think that I should be with someone whose life changed just as quickly, because they could understand and keep up.  But I've started to wonder if it's actually better to be with someone whose life is a bit more stable, because if both people's lives are changing quickly it might be hard to have a stable relationship.  Definitely something to think about and hopefully test out.  

3) I have a hard time talking about my feelings: I'm an artist, I'm a writer, I'm writing a blog about all of this, you'd think it'd be easy-peasy for me to talk about my feelings in real life.  It's not.  A few years ago a friend told me that when I talk about feelings it's like I'm going underwater, I take a deep breath and hold my breath during the conversation.  A few friends teased me lately about using funny voices when I am talking about/mocking what I'm feeling.  But I'm working on it.  I often quickly dismiss my own feelings as "crazy" and I'm trying to stop using that word entirely.  And the blog has actually been good for me because it forces me to be more honest with the bachelors (and more honest with myself).  

4) My brain is rather monogamous: I'm really not used to dating more than one guy at a time, much less continuing to seek out more guys to date.  Currently I'm seeing B#9 once a week, I have a second date planned with B#13 and a first date planned with B#12.  Luckily it doesn't feel like I'm cheating on anyone, but it's been taking extra prompting to get myself to log onto OkCupid.  I'm not used to having much of a dating life to juggle, but it's definitely not a bad problem to have! 

5) I'm not the most patient person: If it weren't for the experiment, I would have de-activated my OkCupid account a while ago.  Some because of that feeling of "Oh right, I should reply to that message" (Ariana wanted me to reply to messages this week, some weeks the Matchmaker has responded to messages, I think it's interesting to see the different results.)  But I think it's good that the experiment forces me to be more patient (and/or persistent).  

I really have been learning so much, and at times it's been surprisingly exhausting to be having epiphanies every other day and breakdowns to breakthroughs, and figure out how to write about it in a way that all the bachelors and my whole extended family can read.  But I love a good challenge, which is why I continually create them for myself.  So thanks for reading :)

Also, I've been meaning to write about this: 

Metro, a daily newspaper in NYC, Philadelphia, and Boston, did a story about the experiment and blog, and you can read the article here.  It also appeared in print in all 3 cities, which is pretty cool!  I had fun talking to Lakshmi Gandhi about the experiment, and after three months of writing about other people, it was interesting to read someone else's writing about me!