On Being Bossy, Unbreakable, and Daring Greatly

I wrote a guest post on Bitchflicks about crowdfunding on Seed&Spark for my film The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide, called "Being Bossy, Unbreakable, and Daring Greatly" about some of the challenges we all face with gender roles and "rules," the type of characters I'm trying to create and how those characters inspire me.  Since I've often written about gender roles in this blog, I wanted to re-post the blog here.

Shameless Plug: Our crowdfunding campaign ends this Wednesday 4/22 at 1:11pm Pacific, and we have to hit 80% of our goal to get the contributed funds.  Please help us hit this goal, even $5 helps get us closer!  This film can help people and save lives, and it's (obviously) very dear to my heart.  The first scene of the movie, information about our cast & crew and so much more is here: http://www.seedandspark.com/studio/average-girls-guide-suicide.

Quick Dating Update: Still not dating.  I've been focusing on work, and the most recent guy from OkCupid who seemed interesting still hasn't asked me out on a date after a month of emailing back and forth.  Notice the past tense on "seemed interesting."  I don't have time for that ish!

Alright, now for "Being Bossy, Unbreakable, and Daring Greatly":

Occasionally recently I’ve wondered, “Am I being bossy?”  I’m a writer/director/producer, currently crowdfunding for my first feature film The Average Girl’s Guide to Suicide, and the sole manager of the LLC for our film.  So, I am a boss.  (Not like this, but a bit like a #bosswitch) But as Sheryl Sandberg’s Ban Bossy campaign states, “When a little boy asserts himself, he's called a ‘leader.’ Yet when a little girl does the same, she risks being branded ‘bossy.’” As a 28-year-old, I can vouch that it’s not just little girls that are affected by “bossy.” I’m trying to Ban Bossy in my own brain (or accept that I am a boss and it’s ok if I’m “bossy”) and it got me thinking about our society’s gender expectations and how they can hold all of us back.

In Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly, she writes that according to society’s rules women have to “be willing to stay as small, sweet, and quiet as possible, and use our time and talent to look pretty.”  This made me laugh out loud, because A) I have often felt pressure to be as small, sweet, and quiet as possible, and use my time and talents to look pretty, and B) as a director you generally should not try to be as small, sweet, and quiet as possible or use your time or talents to look pretty.  It’s not bad to be small/sweet/quiet/pretty if that’s your nature, but forcing yourself to be as small or quiet as possible is rarely conducive to getting a movie made.  Personally I’m not small, not often quiet, I try to be kind (but not saccharin sweet), and I’m no beauty queen.  As we’ve been expanding our team, talking to more people about the film, and crowdfunding, I’m constantly running into the societal expectations embedded in my brain.  Self-promotion is not small, sweet, or quiet.  Making a dark comedy about suicide is not small, sweet, or quiet.  Asking people for money is not small, sweet or quiet. 

(Behind the scenes of making the teaser video for The Average Girl’s Guide to Suicide.)

Luckily I’m not alone in this struggle.  Brené Brown writes: “…every successful woman whom I’ve interviewed has talked to be about the sometimes daily struggle to push past ‘the rules’ so she can assert herself, advocate for her ideas, and feel comfortable with her power and gifts.”  If you’re reading this, it’s likely that you can relate also.  Think about how incongruous it is for female CEOs, doctors, or fighter pilots to be concerned with being small/sweet/quiet/pretty.  I hope you just laughed.  Perhaps the next time you feel pressure in your own life to be small/sweet/quiet/pretty, remind yourself of that laugh you just had. 

Women aren't the only ones who are hampered by society’s expectations; “the rules” for men can be just as suffocating as “the rules” for women.  According to Brown these expectations for men can be summed up as: don’t be wrong, don’t be weak, and don’t show fear.  If men step outside those lines, they are often shamed.  The more I've leaned into leadership roles, the more I've felt these expectations too and they aren't fun.  Recently I felt so scared about whether we would hit our crowdfunding campaign goal, and felt like I needed to keep a brave face for everyone else and not show my fear.  Then I realized the trap I was falling into.  I’m lucky to have friends and family who are there for me, and even several friends who have told me that the middle of a crowdfunding is a terrifying desert.  Getting support from friends and family and remembering that I’m not alone help me get out of shame spirals. 

(The ever-inspiring Brené Brown.)

There have been several articles recently critiquing the concept of “Strong Female Characters.”  The problem isn’t with realistic female characters who show resilience, but instead to women who are…basically dudes.  From one such article: “A female character simply having typically masculine traits doesn’t necessarily strengthen her; it only promotes the view that men are the strong ones in the world, and that to be strong means to emulate them.”  I would also argue that in real life, to be strong women we don’t need to try to be strong men.  I’ve been that girl: trying to be stronger, tougher, and more foul-mouthed than the guys, and it’s exhausting.  Because though I can be strong, tough, and sometimes rather foul-mouthed, I am also very empathetic, caring and sensitive.  Trying to be as strong and tough as possible doesn’t leave room for empathetic and sensitive, and I believe it’s better to embrace your true nature rather than fake another.  A friend has a poster that to me has good examples of how letting go of gender norms can ease the burden on both genders.  I look forward to a world where we can accept and celebrate men and women equally for their sensitivity as well as their strength. 

Recently there’s a new strong feminine heroine: the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.  She encourages others to pursue their dreams, and determinedly pursues her own.  She likes helping people, she’s good at it, and she also takes care of herself.  She’s strong because when she gets knocked down, she gets back up.  Kimmy Schmidt shows that being kind, optimistic, and supportive can be part of being strong. 

(A little rain won’t stop The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt!)

As a woman and a writer, it’s encouraging to see strong and empathetic characters.  My film is about a young woman’s journey to accept herself and create a life she wants to live, and it took several years of working on the script (and “doing the work” in my life) to really understand what self-acceptance feels like.  It’s easier to write about a character accepting herself than to accept myself, and it’s still something I work on every day.  I love how fictional characters can help teach us in our real lives, and my characters continue to teach me.  They push me and challenge me to be as brave as they are, and I hope they can inspire you too.  

F&@# Yes and Family Matchmaker Month!

I celebrated Thanksgiving with family, went to my 10 year high school reunion (which was actually really fun!), and caught up on Serial.  Now, I'm back! 

*Includes some NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) language*

We wrapped up Katt's Matchmaker week, and there are no new matches.  

There are a few contributing factors:

1) My head wasn't exactly in the game.  It was interesting to observe/remember how I handle breakups: I throw myself into my work.  While I know it's healthier than throwing myself at the next guy that comes along, it wasn't very conducive to a dating experiment.  I.e. I had zero interest in OkCupid.  Even without a breakup, I often feel OkCupid fatigue after a while- more on that later. 

2) The profile wasn't funny (and I'm a comedian).  A guy friend looked at the profile and said that it was telling, not showing.  Don't tell me you're good at making people laugh, show me that you're good at making people laugh!  My profile before the experiment had leaned too much on humor (sometimes absurdity) and it's been good to push myself to be more genuine in the profile.  But it should have some humor!

3) I'm adopting Mark Manson's Law of "Fuck Yes or No": Only getting involved with guys that I am really enthusiastic about getting involved with, and they share the enthusiasm for the relationship.  I've often felt more "Sure, Why Not" about guys I've gotten involved with than "Fuck Yes."  At the beginning of the experiment I was focused on dating different types of guys than I normally did, so I wanted to be open to all types of guys.  This has helped me learn a lot about what kind of guy I'm looking for, and I'm grateful to the Bachelors for what they've helped me learn.  But as I'm getting a better idea of who I want to date, I don't want to go on dates with guys that I know aren't a good match.  I don't want to waste my time, or their's!

There were some guys that sent nice messages this week, but no one was in the Fuck Yes category so there are no new matches.  There were also a lot of boring messages, maybe because the profile wasn't funny? 

Katt liked Mark Manson's Law of FY/N and also sent me his post about Love Is Not Enough.  While I don't necessarily agree with bashing John Lennon, I definitely agree that love doesn't make a relationship work.  It's an important piece of the puzzle, but only one piece.  I wish someone had told me this when I was 19 and in a very tumultuous relationship, although I probably wouldn't have listened!  Ah, "What Doesn't Kill You" or whatever.  

--------------

We started a new Matchmaker week month! 

I'd been planning for my parents to have a Matchmaker week, my mom had been the Matchmaker for Week 1 and wanted another shot at it, and I was curious to get their insights since they've been following the experiment and blog.  As Thanksgiving approached, I thought, "What about having a Family Matchmaker Week?"  My brother was also a Matchmaker (for Week 5) and if we all put our heads together on a profile it'd be like a Matchmaker Supergroup!

Thanksgiving weekend I sat down with my parents and brother to write An Awesome Profile, combining all I've learned from the experiment.  We tried to balance my city girl/farm girl interests, my passion for film and writing, my travel stories, that I'm looking for an honest and kind guy, my romantic side and serious side, oh yeah and make it funny.  It took a while.  

Luckily we can always make each other laugh, for example: while working on the "I spend a lot of time thinking about" section, the first thing my mom suggested was "Climate change," not remembering that it was the first thing she'd suggested when we wrote the profile in Week 1!  I laughed and said I didn't think it was best to put that as the first thing I think about a lot, but it did make the final cut (further down the list).  

It also reminded me how much nuance there is in writing a good online dating profile.  Often my parents would suggest something and my brother and I would basically say, "Yes that's true but you can't say it like that in a profile!"  It was important to my dad that we write about my solo travels because "that takes balls" (his words) and it would attract guys.  But "I like to travel" is an OkCupid cliche, so the challenge was not only to figure out what we wanted to convey but also interesting ways to say it.  

We looked at pictures on the profile, and again came to the conclusion that I need new pictures.  Ugh.  I prefer to be behind the camera, but I need to ask friends to help me take better pictures (including this to publicly hold myself accountable).  

We're changing the process slightly also: since I've realized how important physical attraction is, I'll be the first filter (instead of the Matchmakers).  If I don't find a guy attractive, I won't go on a date with him.  What a concept!

Why a month?  Remember the OkCupid fatigue I mentioned?  Lately on OkCupid I've felt like, "Haven't I seen everyone on here?"  So I want to mix it up.  This profile will be up for December and I'll also try other methods of meeting guys: speed dating, singles mixers, Grouper, asking friends to be wingmen/wingwomen, and hey friends/family, set me up with single guys you know! 

These other methods also have the bonus of community (not the show!).  The isolation of online dating is part of what gets to me.  The Matchmakers help, but applying the Law of Fuck Yes makes OkCupid a bit more bleak.  I wish I was attracted to every guy who sends a nice message, but that is not the case.  Recently I was looking at a guy's profile and he was cute! Tall! Monogamous!  I was optimistic until I read his profile.  He talked about seeing a UFO, doing DMT, and 9/11 being an inside job.  Ugh.  Those are the times that I feel like throwing in the towel.  Hopefully more involvement of my friends, even just laughing with me about the strangeness of dating, will help.  Good times or bad times are always better with friends!

Beginning, Middle, and End. (Two Dates and a Breakup)

Phew.  It's been a heck of a week.  I'm basically going to cram 6 blog posts into this one, so here goes:

1) We wrapped up Ariana's Matchmaker week.  During the week she'd asked me to respond to the incoming OkCupid messages, and picked two guys that I had been sending messages back and forth with.

Introducing:
Bachelor #14: 26 years old, a filmmaker (like myself).  Ariana liked him because we'd mentioned Tilda Swinton in the profile (Only Lovers Left Alives is one of my favorite movies of this year) and in his initial message he asked if I'd heard about when she slept in a glass box for installation art.

Bachelor #15: 36 years old, a comic book editor.  Ariana liked him because he seemed like a good mix of nerdy, intellectual, and seems like he has similar values as I do (he referenced the Occupy movement and climate change).  I was very intrigued that he's lived and traveled around the world (as I have) and he seems really positive about his life, which is definitely something I'm looking for.

2) I had a date with Bachelor #14 (Date #9).  We met for drinks in my neighborhood, and it was actually nice to have a simpler date after my date with Bachelor #12.  Since I'm combining all of these into one post, I'll give the very brief version of the date: it felt more like friends/networking drinks than a date.  I always like meeting new people and we shared film and travel stories, so it wasn't bad but I didn't feel any chemistry.  I haven't heard from him so I think we're on the same page about that.  I don't know where the etiquette is there, I've been trying to give the bachelors a heads up of what I'm going to write before I post it, but it seems odd to contact someone just to say I'm not feeling it.  Thoughts?

3) We started Matchmaker Week #8, with my best friend's mom Katt as the Matchmaker.  Katt has been one of the biggest supporters of the experiment, she's like a second mom to me and has often posted comments on Facebook about the blog posts.  She's also never shy about her opinions, for example her comment on the previous blog post was, "Taser.  I'm just saying."

After I'd asked her to be the Matchmaker, she sent me some questions to get a better idea of what I'm looking for, including:

"You are a writer and a film maker, so I want to start there.  Are there any fictional guys you are attracted to?"

"Where do you see yourself personally in five years? Waking up next to a guy who stays? Visiting someone on the weekends? Is sex important? Is romance important? Do you want someone who will hold your hand in public? Get you vegan cupcakes when you are sad? What are you looking for long term, not just for the experiment?”

Phew.  Lots to think about.  She also sent me a Dr. Nerdlove article titled "What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams" which really does have some good advice and some adorable gifs.  

Katt is also a writer, so I shared with her the profile from my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, the profile I had up on OkCupid before the experiment, and combined with the knowledge she has from knowing me for the past 15+ years, she put together a profile.  It looked good to me, so we put up some different photos and the new profile.

4) But it was a tough week because I realized two things:
     a) I was falling for Bachelor #9, and therefore
     b) We needed to break up.

I took a few days to consider it and tried to find some alternative to breaking up, but there didn't seem to be any way to scale back our relationship that didn't seem false.  It seemed so strange to break up with someone because I like him too much.  But the reality was that my attachment to him could interfere with my potential to develop a relationship with someone who actually is looking for a monogamous relationship.

At the end of our previous date B#9 and I had a serious conversation about both of our concerns about our relationship, and whether we were doing the right thing by dating. Neither of us want to hurt the other and we knew that it was a risk of dating, but we also really both enjoyed spending time together. As we talked, we both felt like we were doing the right thing. But as he left, he said to let him know if I thought more about it and changed my mind. So when I did change my mind, it was nice to know that it wouldn't be out of the blue for him.

When we met up and talked, I think it was a bit of a relief for both of us. We'd both been seeing how close we were getting and how tough it could be. It was nice to find a time to end it that felt fair to both of us, before things got messy and we resented each other. But that still didn't make it easy. We both were really sad, I cried quite a bit and it was nice to be able to cry on his shoulder. We also laughed some and talked a lot, and it was nice to be able to say everything. This was the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and (at least so far) the healthiest breakup I've ever had, because we were so open and honest with each other. 

 

I am so grateful for the time that he and I had together, because it showed me a totally different type of relationship than I'd experienced before: calm, communicative, supportive. Now that I know what that looks like, it will help me find it again. At one point I worried that I would get spoiled by getting used to being with a guy who respects me and treats me well, and then I realized that's the point. To be clear. "treats me well" doesn't mean fancy/expensive stuff: our only gifts to each other were $1 books (on a date at a book store) and though our dates were romantic they weren't very fancy. We just enjoyed spending time together, wherever we were. And that's something really great to experience, to be reminded that it's possible.

Honestly, I think a big difference between this relationship/breakup and others I've had is that he really took responsibility for his feelings and was honest about them. I always knew how he felt about me, even on our first date. He didn't feel the need to hide his feelings, and I never felt a need to push to figure out what he felt. On our third date, when we discussed whether we should date or not, he said that we would both likely get emotionally attached to each other. Most guys I've dated would've said to me, "You might get attached," but wouldn't have admitted that they too might also get emotionally attached. And when we were breaking up, he was really sad about it too and said that this had been one of the most intense relationships he'd been in. But he also felt like it was the right thing to end it now.

Since he was so honest about his feelings, it helped me be more honest about my feelings too.  I noticed it was nice that he often told me things he liked about me, so I often told him things I liked about him.  He could also read me really well, and sometimes seemed to know how I was feeling even before I did. Thankfully he never tried to tell me what I was feeling, he was always kind and patient. It encouraged me to be very honest with him about what I was feeling, even if took some time between when he asked me and when I understood what I felt. I'm very used to being able to read other people well but very unused to someone being able to read me well, and I know it's part of why I felt so connected to him.

It's been a few days since we broke up, and it hasn't been fun or easy but I'm definitely alright. I get sad sometimes but I try to appreciate the good times we had together and all that I learned. That kind of connection with someone is rare and that's why it's hard to let it go, but I'm grateful for it.  We're going to give each other a month of space (no communication) and then try to be friends, so I'm glad that we didn't have to say goodbye forever.  

(And for whenever he reads this, #drunkstarfishsaysyolo.)

Some things I'd forgotten about breakups:
A) "We need to talk." I didn't actually use this phrase, because it's so cliche. I didn't want to break up with him via text (because that's rude) but I also didn't want to pretend like everything was totally ok and then have him surprised by the breakup. I hadn't broken up with anyone in a while, and it was a tough balance of not saying too much or too little via text until we could talk in person.

B) Don't listen to the radio when you have a heartache.  One heartsick afternoon I heard "Love is a Battlefield," "The Bed's Too Big Without You," and "You Make Loving Fun" on the radio.  Tears may have been shed.

C) Telling everyone is a bummer.  Especially because of the blog, everyone in my life knew that B#9 and I were dating.  My friends were getting updates on how sickeningly sweet it is when two romantics date.  Since many of my past relationships weren't labelled "relationships." less people knew about them and there were less people to tell when it ended.

-----

And maybe I thought I could bounce back a little more quickly than was realistic.  

5) Bachelor #15 and I went on a date (Date #10) a few days after B#9 and I broke up. B#15 had planned a mini golf date, because he'd read that I prefer non-traditional date activities. I was really looking forward to the date, but as I started to get ready for the date my heart literally started to hurt. My emotions have a fun trick of presenting as physical feelings, especially if I'm avoiding the emotions (ugh, I get it, I'm sensitive). I was surprised that I was feeling this, since I'd been going on dates while dating B#9. But it made me realize that maybe I need to take a bit of a break to give myself time to process the breakup.

Bachelor #15 and I had fun on our mini golf date and really great conversation over drinks after. Early in the date he said that he really enjoys cooking (and went to culinary school for a time) and one of the things he misses most about being in a relationship is having someone to cook for. I thought that was very sweet, and heard the "kind/nurturing" cues in it.

But I wasn't feeling romantic chemistry. I was trying to assess my feelings/attraction level throughout the date, and keep in check with myself about how the breakup was affecting my feelings. He'd asked me to be really open and honest with him and I though I was. But at the end of the evening he went for a goodnight kiss and I turned so he kissed my cheek, and I realized that my body language was much more honest than I'd been able to be. I was quite frustrated with myself afterwards, that I hadn't been able to be more forthcoming verbally and avoid that awkwardness for both of us. I texted him when I got home to apologize for not being more honest, and let him know I'd like to be friends if he's open to it. We texted back and forth a bit, and although I wish I could have been more honest in person at least I cleared it up pretty quickly. It's the practice.

6) So I'm going to take some time to process everything that's been going on. We're going to extend Katt's Matchmaker Week an additional calendar week, and I hope that'll be sufficient. Also, part of the point of this experiment is to look at the role of community in dating, and now I get to see the role of community in a breakup. I have to really let myself feel this, and maybe I need to watch a romcom and eat ice cream with a friend instead of pretending like nothing has changed.

When Katt asked me about fictional guys that I have crushes on, one of the guys that came to mind is John Cusack's character in High Fidelity. He's far more high-strung than a guy I would want to date, but I relate to how important music is to him. I don't make Top 10 lists, but music is my language and I try to find the right music for particular moments.  "Careful You" by TV on the Radio has been the song that reminded me of my relationship with B#9 from the beginning. It wasn't "Our Song" because we never listened to it together, but everyone kept telling me to "be careful" (because I think they could tell that I'd started to fall for him so quickly) and the lyrics are exactly how I felt. 

I've been thinking about Breakup Albums this week, from Rumors by Fleetwood Mac to Coral Fang by The Distillers (about Distillers lead singer Brody Dalle's divorce from Rancid's Tim Armstrong).  The new TV on the Radio album, Seeds was released today and it's definitely the album of this breakup for me.  From I will care for you/Oh, careful you in "Careful You" to Everything's gonna be ok, I keep telling myself of the song "Trouble," it's like Tunde Adebimpe is in my head (in a good way).  Heartache is part of the human experience, it's something we can all relate to.  And I highly recommend the album, heartache or no.  

Date #7: Introduction to Confidence, and PersonalGrowthPalooza

In the previous post I hadn't given specifics, but here's the cool cool cool story: B#13 and I met up at a convention for the TV show Community, known as CommuniCon.  (Since he'd worked on the show, I didn't want to write that until I knew it was ok with him.)  Definitely not your average date location but as I am a fan of Community, I was pretty excited and very curious about what a Community Convention would look like.

Spoiler alert: There's an Inspector Spacetime spaceship/phone booth, and yes I got a picture in it!

I got there right after the panel that B#13 was a part of and he was signing autographs for fans of the show (he worked on the animation for an episode, which the panel was about).  I've never started a date with someone signing autographs before (and I think he actually may have been a bit embarrassed about it), but I know that as an animator he probably rarely gets recognized for the work he does so it's pretty cool to have people asking for an autograph!  So I wandered around and looked at fan art until he was done, and then he showed me around the convention and introduced me to people he works with.  Again, totally different than a "standard date" of getting drinks or coffee, but I prefer unique/interesting dates!

In many ways, a Full Immersion Date is very appropriate for B#13.  He's an intense guy, which can be good and bad.  I'd seen some of that intensity in Digital Me vs. Real Me, and A Guy I'm Dating? when I'd been surprised and a bit unnerved that he had done some research on me, but figured (and he also expressed) that he'd just been trying to get to know me.  But one of the really good parts of that intensity is that he's very genuine, and he's just being himself without pretense.  As I've thought more about the internet research incident, it's actually not as surprising to me that he looked me up, it was surprising that he didn't hide the fact that he'd looked me up.  So what, I'd prefer a guy who lied?  Especially in LA, I've gotten so used to people that are trying to keep up appearances or "be cool" that someone who isn't concerned about pretense can be a bit jarring, but it's also refreshing.  And it also encourages me drop some of my pretense, and catch myself when I'm trying a bit too hard to "be cool."

It's funny, the morning of our date (we were meeting up midday) I woke up and immediately felt the Pre-Date Panic.  I wrote in Date #3: A Classy Date with Bachelor #4 that I always get nervous before dates.  During the experiment I've been trying to clock when and why I get nervous about dates.  At first it was because I felt like I hadn't dated in a while and wasn't sure I knew how to do it.  As I've been going on more dates that fear has dissipated, although not entirely as B#9 and I have gotten into unfamiliar dating territory for me (past 3 dates).  But first dates, yeah I know how to do those now.  So what was this Pre-Date Panic that gripped me that morning?  It was a bit of Stressing Because I Didn't Stress Enough Yet, but as I looked into it, it was mostly "What If He Doesn't Like Me?"  It's sort of embarrassing to admit, but it's true, and I think some guys don't realize that a girl is also trying to impress them on a date.  But since B#13 had done research on me, and we'd chatted online quite a bit, I decided to try on a new attitude.  What if I went into the date assuming he does like me?  Of course respectfully listening for signs that he doesn't like me, but focusing more on a) enjoying a date and b) figuring out whether I like him.  I know this shouldn't seem like a radical shift, people have been telling me to do this for years, but to actually take on that attitude is different.  And definitely helped ease my Pre-Date nerves.

Back to the date: after walking around the convention a bit, we sat and chatted for a while.  B#13 is very curious and likes to know as much as possible (see: internet research), so we talked about a ton of different things.  We talked a bunch about the experiment and what I've been learning.  At one point we were talking about how the Chelsea version of the profile was a very confident profile and he asked me, "Are you confident?"  I was a little taken aback at how to answer that, and after thinking about it I said that I'm much more confident in my work than in my dating (see: paragraph above).  It made me realize that was actually part of why I'd started this dating experiment and blog: I'm very comfortable as a writer and not so comfortable as a dater, so I wanted to use my writing to help me deal with the discomfort of dating.  I'd never thought of it that way before and articulated that to B#13, it was an interesting realization to have on a date!

We talked for quite a while, and I realized it was 2pm aka Hangry Danger Zone (I hadn't had lunch).  He suggested that we get food, and although I get really nervous eating on dates I was enjoying hanging out with him so I agreed.  We figured out a lunch spot and took separate cars since we'd be heading in different directions after lunch.

I got to the restaurant first and when he got there he was visibly upset.  We got a table and I asked what was wrong, he said it was a situation on Facebook that he normally wouldn't talk about, but he told me about it.  I told him I was glad he did, because if he'd just said, "Oh nothing," I would have wondered why his demeanor had suddenly changed and worried I'd done something wrong.  I'd asked him to be open and honest with me (as I'd been open about his research unnerving me) and that doesn't mean "open and honest only when it's good news."  My feedback on the situation was, "It seems like there's a pretty simple conversation to be had with that person."  I offered to help him with wording, but he quickly seemed to relax and said he wanted to enjoy our lunch.  Later he told me that he did have that conversation and resolve the situation, and that I'd really motivated him to do so and he's learned a new skill (how to have a direct conversation about an awkward topic).  I though it was sort of funny because I have been working on this myself and hadn't really said much, but I thought it was really cool that he's really actively learning and growing.  This experiment has been a PersonalGrowthPalooza for me and it can be a really uncomfortable process, so it is awesome to see someone else also finding those uncomfortable spots and working through them.
(Note: I am under the weather and on some cold medicine, so I will blame that for the completely made up words in this post like "PersonalGrowthPalooza.")

At the end of the date B#13 said he'd like to see me again, and I agreed.  After the date I felt a bit of hesitation, because although I enjoyed spending time with him, I wasn't quite sure if we were compatible enough to date or better as friends.  Then I reminded myself, the point of dating is to figure out whether you want to date someone.  I didn't have to have it all figured out from one date.  On the first date you pretty much just need to figure out if you want to go out on a second date with the person.  And then go from there.  B#13 and I have been talking (via instant messenger) regularly since our date and I do like that he and I can talk about real things, not just "What are you up to?" and pop culture.  So whatever it ends up being, I'm glad to have met someone new who is also on this bumpy road of betterment, and I look forward to wherever it takes us!

Why Guys Send Bad Messages, and a Key to Dating

As we wrapped up my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, one of his biggest surprises from the experiment was how many guys on OkCupid send bad/lame/boring messages.  He'd heard that guys send lame messages, but he was surprised that the majority of messages just said "hi" or "Hallo" or "how goes it" (sans question mark).  Since he puts a lot of thought and effort into the messages he sends to girls on OkCupid, he figured most guys did the same.  But that is not the case.

It was interesting for Greg, a man who uses OkCupid to meet women, to see what online dating is like from the female perspective and it gave him more empathy for women on OkCupid.  It also made him feel a bit better about messages he sends that don't get a response, because on the Matchmaker side he could see that sometimes the guy just wasn't a good match.  It wasn't that he was a bad guy or had sent a bad message, but he just wasn't a good fit.  (And sending a "Can a guy get a reply?" message, as one guy did this week, isn't going to help.)

As we talked about types of messages and getting responses, I noticed a word coming up: "human."  When a guy sent a message that showed he'd read my profile (instead of a copy & paste message) Greg felt like that guy was treating me like a human and trying to make a connection, and the guy seemed more human instead of a robot sending the same message over and over.

Greg said that when he's sent copy & paste messages it wasn't out of lack of respect, it was about self-defense.  We both can get emotionally attached to someone's online profile and when you spend a while crafting a message that doesn't get a response, it can be frustrating.  If he sends a form message, he doesn't get emotionally attached.  But then it lacks the humanity that he noticed reading impersonal messages.  It's about being vulnerable, which can be really difficult but also is important for connection.  If you haven't seen Brené Brown's TED Talk about The Power of Vulnerability, go watch it.  And then go buy one of her books.  Vulnerability is not something we particularly value in our society.  Especially as Americans, we value "strong" and "tough," and those are seen as mutually exclusive with "vulnerable."  Part of what I like about Brené Brown's work is that she shows that being vulnerable is not about being weak, it's about being real and honest (even in the title of her TED Talk: "The Power of Vulnerability").

This humanity/vulnerability issue taps into an idea I've been wanting to look at with Post-Modern Matchmaker: the goal of online dating is to create a connection, but I often find it to be frustrating, depressing, and alienating (as many others do).  So how can we make meeting people in the modern age more bearable, maybe even pleasant?

With or without an internet connection, how can we make meaningful human connections?

My solution was to add community: family and friends (and the blog).  It's definitely helped with some of the alienation, it is nice to be able to share the ups and downs and hear about other people's similar experiences.  Yet especially in the past few dates (Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date and Date #5: Smoothies, Unicorns, and Compatibility) I've been feeling the frustration again.  But the good news about the experiment is that each week we're trying new things and assessing what works and what doesn't.  Hopefully by the end of the experiment I'll have some answers, or at least more informed questions to ask!

Greg picked his 3 Matches:

• Bachelor #9: pretty sure his profile made me say "whoa" out loud.  Tall, smart, interesting, he says he's good at bear hugs and puns (all positives in my book).  Interestingly, he's in an open relationship with a girl he met on OkC.  Normally that would be a deal breaker for me, but in the experiment I think it's an interesting aspect to throw into the mix. 

• Bachelor #10: an Italian journalist who sent an initial message asking why I liked the movie Only Lovers Left Alive (on the profile I list is as my favorite movie of the year).  Greg sent a reply, and B#10 never replied to that message.

• Bachelor #11: he said he's "basically happy all the time," he does standup comedy, and his profile was fun and quirky.  He sent a message asking about the experiment, Greg sent a reply and he never replied. 

Greg and I were both kind of bummed that B#10 & B#11 were unresponsive, but B#9 and Greg had sent a few messages back and forth (and his messages were articulate and thoughtful).  Getting one really promising match seemed better than three lousy matches. 

B#9 and I talked on Sunday about setting up a date.  Greg had asked in a message what B#9 would suggest for a first date, and he had said going to a pizzeria.  But in a later email to me he said he had a better idea and suggested a sunset picnic at a lake nearby.  Two thumbs way up!  

I do think it's a bit funny because in the profile I'd written in the "You Should Message Me If" Section: "You enjoy a bit of romance, whether it’s a picnic in the park or watching the sunset."  It's more sappy than I'd usually get in a profile, but Greg really wanted to emphasize the romance/vulnerability in the profile.  And I thought it that was a good way to show that romance doesn't have to be fancy or expensive.  And unless it was a complete coincidence, B#9 read my examples of romantic dates and combined them.  I appreciate a guy who listens and is open to romance, so I think it's cute. 

But I don't think that being a flake is cute.  B#9 and I haven't communicated at all since Sunday, it's now Thursday and we planned a date for Friday (tomorrow).  Greg said I should text B#9 to remind him that we didn't set a time or meeting spot.  I probably will, but feel a bit annoyed and uneasy about it.  I've been noticing how much the communication leading up to a date indicates, in good ways (Date #5: Smoothies, Unicorns, and Compatibility) and bad (Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date).  Good pre-date communication feels like a sign of respect and consideration.  And it shows that you're thinking about the other person, that you're looking forward to seeing them.  Am I also resisting the vulnerability of sending him a text, possibly not getting a reply or getting a reply that he forgot about our date?  Yeah probably... which is why I'll send that text.  

However, dudes, I'm going on the record as saying: communication is key.  More than any door-opening or drink-buying, actually making a date (including time and location) is a really important part of being a good date and having a good date!

Edit: B#9 just texted me (Thursday evening), and did apologize for the lack of contact.  So I guess the date is on!

Week 2 Matchmaker: Tracy

The second Matchmaker is a film school friend, Tracy.  I think Tracy will be an interesting Matchmaker because she and I are very different: we both work in film, but I'm the weirdo-artsy-writer-director-type and she's the polished-professional-casting-type.  One thing we do have in common is frequent tales of dating woes.  She also uses online dating sites, and has been far more persistent in her approach.  My habit has been to use OkCupid for a bit, get disenchanted (and/or super busy with work), and de-activate my account for several months.  Until I'm bored again, log back in, and the cycle repeats.  I'm curious to see what kind of guys Tracy will match me with, are they similar to the type of guys she would date?  She's making changes to the OkCupid profile now (each Matchmaker will tailor the profile to their perception of me and how they think I should be portrayed to potential suitors) and is starting her search!

Updates on our Week 1 Bachelors: 
Bachelor #1 and I have a date set for this weekend, and he likes the idea of the California Science Center!  We texted a bit and he seems nice.

Bachelor #2 emailed that he is under the weather and asked for a rain check on our drinks date.

Bachelor #3 just emailed me (I hadn't heard from him and thought maybe he had changed his mind!) and likes the idea of an art museum date, so we'll figure out a time.


Observations about the experiment so far:
As someone who doesn't talk about her dating life much publicly, it's really interesting to get a lot of feedback on the experiment and bachelors.  Especially because the feedback is from people that I wouldn't normally talk about potential dates with, not only peers but also people who have been married for many years (and thus have a different perspective on dating than single 20-somethings).

For me it brings up really interesting ideas about technology, community, and isolation.  I see so many articles that decry Facebook because it isolates us and makes us feel inadequate/jealous.  But to me, technology is a tool and how you use it determines how it affects your life.  Facebook can create (or facilitate) community, and allow you to communicate with people that you otherwise couldn't or wouldn't.  By no means do I think it replaces face-to-face interactions, but I enjoy that it helps me stay in touch my family and friends around the world.  I also love that it allows people from very different parts of my life to interact.  For example, both a former boss and my best friend's mom had the same reaction to Bachelor#2 shooting down the date idea (they saw it as a Red Flag).

It reminds me of when dating was a more communal endeavor, like in high school and who you were dating was public knowledge, or in small towns/villages where everyone would voice opinions about your beaus, or many years ago when when a family member had to chaperone dates.  This is part of why I called the experiment Post-Modern Matchmaker (and I'll write a post soon with more explanation of that).  Modern dating can be so isolated, my friends have rarely met anyone that I've dated in the past several years and my family hasn't met any of them.  It's interesting to add a community element (often associated with small town/Old World) to Big City Modern Dating.  But how much will I like it if/when the community consensus and I disagree?  About the B#2 Red Flag, I'm in agreement.  We'll see about what other issues come up as the experiment progresses!

Happy Friday!