It's Not You, It's Me (2015 Priorities)

Happy 2015!
I hope your new year is already going well.  I've decided 2015 is a year to Take The Bull By The Horns, so I've been trying to make the most of it!

At the top of my priority list is a feature film that I've written and will direct, a dark comedy called The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide (I wasn't kidding about the "dark" part of "dark comedy")!  We're working on putting together financing: last month we got Investment Agreements and I've been writing a Business Plan.  As an indie filmmaker you have to wear LOTS of hats (although *ahem* we are looking for Producers to join our team) so I need to devote a lot of time and energy to this project.  It's been a dream of mine for several years and it's currently my #1 priority to get this movie made and to our audience, so I have to be laser-beam focused and tenacious, aka this.

*NSFM Language Warning: 2 F-bombs ahead*
What's not at the top of my priority list?  Dating.  I'm not throwing in the towel, but dating is going on the back burner.  I definitely need a break from OkCupid, which lately has only been a source of frustration.  Whether it's weird messages (such as, "Any stalkers yet?") or weird guys (a guy who is living in a hammock at the beach recently sent me a series of smiley faces), there's been a real lack of anyone in the Fuck Yes category.  We're getting close to the Fuck-It-I'm-Bored category of dates, which I want to avoid.  I have better things to do with my time than go out with guys I'm not interested in, and they'd probably rather be out with girls that actually might date them, so it's a win-win.

I have been using the dating app Hinge, which matches you with people you're connected to through Facebook friends.  It's basically an app that does the real life matchmaking I was asking my friends to do, so that's cool!  It's a smaller pool of people, which can be good or bad.  For right now it's good because it's less time consuming than OkCupid, but seems to be a bit more substantial than Tinder.  A photographer friend took some new photos of me, and I'm curious to see if some better photos make a difference in who I match with.  I still swipe on Tinder now and then, but usually when I'm about to open Tinder I think, "Is this really the best use of my time?" and usually the answer is.  A friend invited me to a Tinder Dating Game event tonight, so that should at least be entertaining...?

I also still meet guys the good old fashioned way: in real life.  On New Years Eve I literally got picked up at a bar (as in, a guy lifted me into the air.  I don't know why), so at least my weird interactions with guys aren't limited to the virtual world!  But I'm still working on the chutzpah to talk to handsome strangers, and it's a homework assignment I don't mind. :)

And I'm really enjoying just living my life.  Sometimes when I'm out with friends I feel like I should be more actively trying to catch the eye of a handsome stranger, but I'm also quite happy to enjoy hanging out with my friends.  In this new year I'm trying to be very conscious of how I'm spending my time, and make sure I'm spending it with people I really like or on things that are very important.  And watching a lot of movies!

Recently my brother and I were debating whether you should put a lot of effort into dating or whether it'll happen when it happens.  I feel like for the past several months I've put a lot of time and effort into dating, through this experiment and blog.   So for the next month or few, I think I'll try putting that energy into other parts of my life and see how it goes!

I've learned a lot already through this experiment and blog, and I'm so grateful for what I've learned and the conversations it's started.  I have to thank the Bachelors who have been part of the experiment, there literally wouldn't have been an experiment without you guys!  I'm also so grateful for everyone who has been reading, my friends and family, my fellow bloggers, and the strange strangers of the Internet, thanks for following the adventures of my Rubber Ball Heart!  It's been really encouraging to hear from people who have been reading the blog, to know I'm not just talking to myself over here.

If you want to keep in touch in the meantime, the Twitter account for this experiment is @postmodernmatch and The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide is @taggts_.  Or you can drop me a line in the Contact Form on the right side of the blog!

Much love
xoxo
Jean

F&@# Yes and Family Matchmaker Month!

I celebrated Thanksgiving with family, went to my 10 year high school reunion (which was actually really fun!), and caught up on Serial.  Now, I'm back! 

*Includes some NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) language*

We wrapped up Katt's Matchmaker week, and there are no new matches.  

There are a few contributing factors:

1) My head wasn't exactly in the game.  It was interesting to observe/remember how I handle breakups: I throw myself into my work.  While I know it's healthier than throwing myself at the next guy that comes along, it wasn't very conducive to a dating experiment.  I.e. I had zero interest in OkCupid.  Even without a breakup, I often feel OkCupid fatigue after a while- more on that later. 

2) The profile wasn't funny (and I'm a comedian).  A guy friend looked at the profile and said that it was telling, not showing.  Don't tell me you're good at making people laugh, show me that you're good at making people laugh!  My profile before the experiment had leaned too much on humor (sometimes absurdity) and it's been good to push myself to be more genuine in the profile.  But it should have some humor!

3) I'm adopting Mark Manson's Law of "Fuck Yes or No": Only getting involved with guys that I am really enthusiastic about getting involved with, and they share the enthusiasm for the relationship.  I've often felt more "Sure, Why Not" about guys I've gotten involved with than "Fuck Yes."  At the beginning of the experiment I was focused on dating different types of guys than I normally did, so I wanted to be open to all types of guys.  This has helped me learn a lot about what kind of guy I'm looking for, and I'm grateful to the Bachelors for what they've helped me learn.  But as I'm getting a better idea of who I want to date, I don't want to go on dates with guys that I know aren't a good match.  I don't want to waste my time, or their's!

There were some guys that sent nice messages this week, but no one was in the Fuck Yes category so there are no new matches.  There were also a lot of boring messages, maybe because the profile wasn't funny? 

Katt liked Mark Manson's Law of FY/N and also sent me his post about Love Is Not Enough.  While I don't necessarily agree with bashing John Lennon, I definitely agree that love doesn't make a relationship work.  It's an important piece of the puzzle, but only one piece.  I wish someone had told me this when I was 19 and in a very tumultuous relationship, although I probably wouldn't have listened!  Ah, "What Doesn't Kill You" or whatever.  

--------------

We started a new Matchmaker week month! 

I'd been planning for my parents to have a Matchmaker week, my mom had been the Matchmaker for Week 1 and wanted another shot at it, and I was curious to get their insights since they've been following the experiment and blog.  As Thanksgiving approached, I thought, "What about having a Family Matchmaker Week?"  My brother was also a Matchmaker (for Week 5) and if we all put our heads together on a profile it'd be like a Matchmaker Supergroup!

Thanksgiving weekend I sat down with my parents and brother to write An Awesome Profile, combining all I've learned from the experiment.  We tried to balance my city girl/farm girl interests, my passion for film and writing, my travel stories, that I'm looking for an honest and kind guy, my romantic side and serious side, oh yeah and make it funny.  It took a while.  

Luckily we can always make each other laugh, for example: while working on the "I spend a lot of time thinking about" section, the first thing my mom suggested was "Climate change," not remembering that it was the first thing she'd suggested when we wrote the profile in Week 1!  I laughed and said I didn't think it was best to put that as the first thing I think about a lot, but it did make the final cut (further down the list).  

It also reminded me how much nuance there is in writing a good online dating profile.  Often my parents would suggest something and my brother and I would basically say, "Yes that's true but you can't say it like that in a profile!"  It was important to my dad that we write about my solo travels because "that takes balls" (his words) and it would attract guys.  But "I like to travel" is an OkCupid cliche, so the challenge was not only to figure out what we wanted to convey but also interesting ways to say it.  

We looked at pictures on the profile, and again came to the conclusion that I need new pictures.  Ugh.  I prefer to be behind the camera, but I need to ask friends to help me take better pictures (including this to publicly hold myself accountable).  

We're changing the process slightly also: since I've realized how important physical attraction is, I'll be the first filter (instead of the Matchmakers).  If I don't find a guy attractive, I won't go on a date with him.  What a concept!

Why a month?  Remember the OkCupid fatigue I mentioned?  Lately on OkCupid I've felt like, "Haven't I seen everyone on here?"  So I want to mix it up.  This profile will be up for December and I'll also try other methods of meeting guys: speed dating, singles mixers, Grouper, asking friends to be wingmen/wingwomen, and hey friends/family, set me up with single guys you know! 

These other methods also have the bonus of community (not the show!).  The isolation of online dating is part of what gets to me.  The Matchmakers help, but applying the Law of Fuck Yes makes OkCupid a bit more bleak.  I wish I was attracted to every guy who sends a nice message, but that is not the case.  Recently I was looking at a guy's profile and he was cute! Tall! Monogamous!  I was optimistic until I read his profile.  He talked about seeing a UFO, doing DMT, and 9/11 being an inside job.  Ugh.  Those are the times that I feel like throwing in the towel.  Hopefully more involvement of my friends, even just laughing with me about the strangeness of dating, will help.  Good times or bad times are always better with friends!

Who do you want to attract?

"Who do you want to attract? Someone more like yourself or someone who complements you?"

Don't tell other writers that I let the cat out of the bag, but procrastination is a big part of the writing process.  I wish I could tell you that it's always easy to sit down and write.  The truth is that sometimes when I need to write, instead I putter around my apartment, clean, stare out the window, check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and then Facebook again, i.e. anything other than write.  

This week has felt like a Master class in Procrastination, with the new Cold War Kids album as the soundtrack.

We started my friend Ariana's Matchmaker week several days ago.  I'd been meaning to write about it, but then I got sick, and I needed to write about Date #7, then I had other work to do, and I hadn't figured out how to write about it so I was avoiding it.  

There was nothing wrong with the start of Ariana's Matchmaker week, but it had neither the drama of writing the Romantic profile during my brother Greg's week (Week 5: Looking for Love...?) nor the raucous shenanigans the Confident profile of my friend Chelsea's week (Week 6: Tequila, Zombies, and Being High Maintenance).  

Ariana and I had talked about who we were trying to attract, but we didn't come up with any specific type.  I said maybe tattooed guys who ride motorcycles, since that's the opposite of the guys I've been dating, but there aren't a ton of those type of guys on OkCupid.  I just realized we used the word "badass" twice, so maybe that helps with that target demographic?  We did try to show my outdoorsy side, as well as my creative, healthy, and adventurous sides.  It was also good to catch up with Ariana, she's been living in Tennessee for a bit and I miss being able to chat with her over coffee or on a long walk.  The experiment has been a fun excuse to catch up with friends.  

But I hadn't found that Thing to write about.  Usually these Things politely appear during the writing of the profile, or even in the first few days of the Matchmaker week.  This one hid for the better part of a week, and then tapped me on the shoulder and punched me in the nose. 

 

I was chatting with a friend, funnily enough on OkCupid because he'd found the dating experiment profile.  We started talking about our respective OkCupid experiences, and we've both had trouble attracting people that we could actually be in relationships with.  I expressed some frustration that one of my goals of the experiment was to figure out how to attract the type of guys that I wanted to attract, but I'd at least been learning more about the types of guys that I'm compatible with so at least that should help.  And then he asked me two rather simple questions, ones which I thought I basically knew the answers to: "Who do you want to attract? Someone more like yourself or someone who complements you?"  And as I tried to articulate answers, I was confounded.  Stumped.  Baffled.  I got into a bit of a mood. I washed dishes, dyed my hair, and did anything I could think of to avoid these questions.  I feel like I've learned so much, I've been writing about the things I'm learning, and I realized recently that the experiment has been going on for three months!  So what have I learned about what kind of guy I'm looking for? 

Ok well let's start with some easy ones:

1) Monogamous: I hadn't thought that much about it before the experiment, but recent events have made me realize that monogamy really is something that I am looking for right now.  I don't believe that everyone has to be monogamous, but it seems to be the best thing for me at this point.  

2) Taller than me: Sorry guys, I tried dating guys my height or shorter but I clearly prefer dating guys who are taller than me.  I never say never, but call it a strong preference.  

While we're at it:

3) Mutual physical attraction: It may sound obvious, but I've realized it is very important to me.  

We've gotten through some more obvious ones, so let's dig in:

4) Not Too "Normal": I'd long felt that I shouldn't date "normal" guys, but in Week 3 my cousin Emily gave me a good functional definition of Too Normal, "they haven’t thought of breaking out of social constructs."  You don't have to be breaking all social norms, but you're aware of social norms and make conscious choices of which social constructs you abide by and which you eschew.  

5) Communicative: This was definitely something I valued before the experiment but it's become even more important.  My own communication skills have been improving, and I've been learning that it's better to have the awkward conversations than avoid them and hope/assume the other person is on the same page.  Bachelor #9 and Bachelor #13 have both helped me see this.  Also, I include listening skills under the Communicative umbrella, as speaking and listening are both important parts of communication.  

6) Easy-Going/Chill: I've noticed this with a few of the Bachelors, but I think I first became very aware of it on Date #3: A Classy Date with Bachelor #4.  I'm more at ease around guys who are at ease.  I like guys that can go with the flow, and enjoy the journey.  

7) Generally Positive Outlook: Bachelor #6 brought this one front and center for me (as a negative example, and several of the bachelors have been positive examples).  We all have complaints, concerns, or bad moods, but I need to be with someone who can at least look for silver linings instead of looking for more dark clouds.    

8) Grounded/Emotionally Mature: I'm still working on how to explain this one, but it's a quality that B#9 has and it sets him apart from every other guy I've been in a relationship with.  It's related to Easy-Going/Chill but on a different level.  The best way to explain it is that he's been there while I'm dealing with some tough stuff, and when I'm emotionally or physically bouncing off the walls (my Rubber Ball Heart, and when I'm nervous I'm a human pinball (not literally bouncing off walls)) he's calm, steady, supportive and patient.  He doesn't make it about him and go ricocheting in a different direction (which is what most guys I've dated would do).  But this also takes adjusting to.  I'm used to Guys Who Disappear and expect him to do the same, so it's nice but also sometimes a surprise when he acts differently. 

9) Kind: This was definitely not on my priority list when I was younger, but in the past few years I've realized it's important for me.  A guy used to really get my attention if he argued with me, and now I know that I don't want to be in a relationship full of arguments.  I like guys who have opinions and can articulate them, and I don't want to be with a guy who agrees with me just for the sake of agreeing with me.  But having different opinions doesn't mean you have to fight.  

I'm still trying to figure out whether I'm best with a guy who is more similar or complementary.  It seems that I'm looking for a guy who is similar to me in many ways, but there are some aspects where different/complementary seems to work better.  

Also, things I've learned about me:

1) Texting is my preferred mode of communication: a phone call now and then is good (and any important conversations should happen face to face), but overall texting is what I prefer for checking in or conveying information.  However, texting does have some problems.  Sometimes it can be tough to read someone's tone in a text, especially if I don't know them well.  Also, if someone takes 6+ hours to reply to a text it freaks me out.  See: Guys Who Disappear.  

2) A lot changes for me in a week: B#9 and I have been seeing each other once a week, and it's made me realize how much changes for me in a week.  I'm a freelancer, so the types of jobs I have from week to week can vary widely.  My hair color currently is changing several times per week (bright red, dark blue, blonde, and lavender, just in the past week or two).  Luckily I'm not the type of person whose life plan changes on a weekly basis, but there's always a lot to catch up on.  I used to think that I should be with someone whose life changed just as quickly, because they could understand and keep up.  But I've started to wonder if it's actually better to be with someone whose life is a bit more stable, because if both people's lives are changing quickly it might be hard to have a stable relationship.  Definitely something to think about and hopefully test out.  

3) I have a hard time talking about my feelings: I'm an artist, I'm a writer, I'm writing a blog about all of this, you'd think it'd be easy-peasy for me to talk about my feelings in real life.  It's not.  A few years ago a friend told me that when I talk about feelings it's like I'm going underwater, I take a deep breath and hold my breath during the conversation.  A few friends teased me lately about using funny voices when I am talking about/mocking what I'm feeling.  But I'm working on it.  I often quickly dismiss my own feelings as "crazy" and I'm trying to stop using that word entirely.  And the blog has actually been good for me because it forces me to be more honest with the bachelors (and more honest with myself).  

4) My brain is rather monogamous: I'm really not used to dating more than one guy at a time, much less continuing to seek out more guys to date.  Currently I'm seeing B#9 once a week, I have a second date planned with B#13 and a first date planned with B#12.  Luckily it doesn't feel like I'm cheating on anyone, but it's been taking extra prompting to get myself to log onto OkCupid.  I'm not used to having much of a dating life to juggle, but it's definitely not a bad problem to have! 

5) I'm not the most patient person: If it weren't for the experiment, I would have de-activated my OkCupid account a while ago.  Some because of that feeling of "Oh right, I should reply to that message" (Ariana wanted me to reply to messages this week, some weeks the Matchmaker has responded to messages, I think it's interesting to see the different results.)  But I think it's good that the experiment forces me to be more patient (and/or persistent).  

I really have been learning so much, and at times it's been surprisingly exhausting to be having epiphanies every other day and breakdowns to breakthroughs, and figure out how to write about it in a way that all the bachelors and my whole extended family can read.  But I love a good challenge, which is why I continually create them for myself.  So thanks for reading :)

Also, I've been meaning to write about this: 

Metro, a daily newspaper in NYC, Philadelphia, and Boston, did a story about the experiment and blog, and you can read the article here.  It also appeared in print in all 3 cities, which is pretty cool!  I had fun talking to Lakshmi Gandhi about the experiment, and after three months of writing about other people, it was interesting to read someone else's writing about me!  

Why Guys Send Bad Messages, and a Key to Dating

As we wrapped up my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, one of his biggest surprises from the experiment was how many guys on OkCupid send bad/lame/boring messages.  He'd heard that guys send lame messages, but he was surprised that the majority of messages just said "hi" or "Hallo" or "how goes it" (sans question mark).  Since he puts a lot of thought and effort into the messages he sends to girls on OkCupid, he figured most guys did the same.  But that is not the case.

It was interesting for Greg, a man who uses OkCupid to meet women, to see what online dating is like from the female perspective and it gave him more empathy for women on OkCupid.  It also made him feel a bit better about messages he sends that don't get a response, because on the Matchmaker side he could see that sometimes the guy just wasn't a good match.  It wasn't that he was a bad guy or had sent a bad message, but he just wasn't a good fit.  (And sending a "Can a guy get a reply?" message, as one guy did this week, isn't going to help.)

As we talked about types of messages and getting responses, I noticed a word coming up: "human."  When a guy sent a message that showed he'd read my profile (instead of a copy & paste message) Greg felt like that guy was treating me like a human and trying to make a connection, and the guy seemed more human instead of a robot sending the same message over and over.

Greg said that when he's sent copy & paste messages it wasn't out of lack of respect, it was about self-defense.  We both can get emotionally attached to someone's online profile and when you spend a while crafting a message that doesn't get a response, it can be frustrating.  If he sends a form message, he doesn't get emotionally attached.  But then it lacks the humanity that he noticed reading impersonal messages.  It's about being vulnerable, which can be really difficult but also is important for connection.  If you haven't seen Brené Brown's TED Talk about The Power of Vulnerability, go watch it.  And then go buy one of her books.  Vulnerability is not something we particularly value in our society.  Especially as Americans, we value "strong" and "tough," and those are seen as mutually exclusive with "vulnerable."  Part of what I like about Brené Brown's work is that she shows that being vulnerable is not about being weak, it's about being real and honest (even in the title of her TED Talk: "The Power of Vulnerability").

This humanity/vulnerability issue taps into an idea I've been wanting to look at with Post-Modern Matchmaker: the goal of online dating is to create a connection, but I often find it to be frustrating, depressing, and alienating (as many others do).  So how can we make meeting people in the modern age more bearable, maybe even pleasant?

With or without an internet connection, how can we make meaningful human connections?

My solution was to add community: family and friends (and the blog).  It's definitely helped with some of the alienation, it is nice to be able to share the ups and downs and hear about other people's similar experiences.  Yet especially in the past few dates (Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date and Date #5: Smoothies, Unicorns, and Compatibility) I've been feeling the frustration again.  But the good news about the experiment is that each week we're trying new things and assessing what works and what doesn't.  Hopefully by the end of the experiment I'll have some answers, or at least more informed questions to ask!

Greg picked his 3 Matches:

• Bachelor #9: pretty sure his profile made me say "whoa" out loud.  Tall, smart, interesting, he says he's good at bear hugs and puns (all positives in my book).  Interestingly, he's in an open relationship with a girl he met on OkC.  Normally that would be a deal breaker for me, but in the experiment I think it's an interesting aspect to throw into the mix. 

• Bachelor #10: an Italian journalist who sent an initial message asking why I liked the movie Only Lovers Left Alive (on the profile I list is as my favorite movie of the year).  Greg sent a reply, and B#10 never replied to that message.

• Bachelor #11: he said he's "basically happy all the time," he does standup comedy, and his profile was fun and quirky.  He sent a message asking about the experiment, Greg sent a reply and he never replied. 

Greg and I were both kind of bummed that B#10 & B#11 were unresponsive, but B#9 and Greg had sent a few messages back and forth (and his messages were articulate and thoughtful).  Getting one really promising match seemed better than three lousy matches. 

B#9 and I talked on Sunday about setting up a date.  Greg had asked in a message what B#9 would suggest for a first date, and he had said going to a pizzeria.  But in a later email to me he said he had a better idea and suggested a sunset picnic at a lake nearby.  Two thumbs way up!  

I do think it's a bit funny because in the profile I'd written in the "You Should Message Me If" Section: "You enjoy a bit of romance, whether it’s a picnic in the park or watching the sunset."  It's more sappy than I'd usually get in a profile, but Greg really wanted to emphasize the romance/vulnerability in the profile.  And I thought it that was a good way to show that romance doesn't have to be fancy or expensive.  And unless it was a complete coincidence, B#9 read my examples of romantic dates and combined them.  I appreciate a guy who listens and is open to romance, so I think it's cute. 

But I don't think that being a flake is cute.  B#9 and I haven't communicated at all since Sunday, it's now Thursday and we planned a date for Friday (tomorrow).  Greg said I should text B#9 to remind him that we didn't set a time or meeting spot.  I probably will, but feel a bit annoyed and uneasy about it.  I've been noticing how much the communication leading up to a date indicates, in good ways (Date #5: Smoothies, Unicorns, and Compatibility) and bad (Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date).  Good pre-date communication feels like a sign of respect and consideration.  And it shows that you're thinking about the other person, that you're looking forward to seeing them.  Am I also resisting the vulnerability of sending him a text, possibly not getting a reply or getting a reply that he forgot about our date?  Yeah probably... which is why I'll send that text.  

However, dudes, I'm going on the record as saying: communication is key.  More than any door-opening or drink-buying, actually making a date (including time and location) is a really important part of being a good date and having a good date!

Edit: B#9 just texted me (Thursday evening), and did apologize for the lack of contact.  So I guess the date is on!

Week 5: Looking for Love...?

Usually at the start of Matchmaker weeks I have a phone call with the Matchmaker about how they think we should revise the OkCupid profile.  My brother Greg is the Matchmaker for Week 5, and we started a phone call to revise the profile but I had to leave for a concert (Andrew Bird at the Hollywood Bowl!).  Greg said he would write up what he thought should go in the profile, and I could look over it (we created a shared Google Doc because we're nerds).

Later that night I read over what he'd written.  In the last section of the profile, "You Should Message Me If," Greg had written:

"If you’re up for being part of a dating experiment where I really hope to fall in love."

I literally said "GAH!" out loud, like something had jumped out of my computer screen at me.  

And then I thought about it.  I mean...I guess I'm hoping to fall in love, generally.  It'd be great to find love/a serious relationship through the experiment, but I'm trying not to expect to meet the love of my life this way.  I don't want that to be the measure of the experiment, like if I meet "Mr. Right" then it's a success and if I don't meet "Mr. Right" the experiment was a failure (and I'm dying alone).  I feel like the experiment has already been beneficial: I'm learning about myself, my family and friends, dating, boundaries, compatibility, and more.  I hope that the experiment is not just educational for me, but can help the Bachelors and anyone reading the blog to think about and discuss dating/romance/love.  

So if I am (I guess...kinda sorta...) looking for love, should I say that I'm "really hope to fall in love" in a dating profile?  My first thought was that it would scare away guys, so it's interesting that my brother, a straight male who uses OkCupid, would be suggesting this.  We talked about it and he agreed that it might be a bit much.  He said he was trying to show vulnerability and emotion, because to him the blog was coming off like I was doing the experiment out of idle curiosity instead of a serious intention to find a relationship or love.  This surprised me, as I've tried to be very genuine and honest, and why would I date other than to find a relationship or love?  

Talking about the experiment with Greg reminded me that guys have many of the same concerns and suspicions about dating as women do.  I'm so used to the narrative that "women just want love" and "men just want sex" even though I know both of those aren't necessarily true (especially since I'm female and have a tough time saying I'm looking for love).  Greg said that some girls date out of boredom, or because they want guys to buy them things.  I usually date Project Guys, aka broke guys, so I've never understood dating to "get stuff," like fancy dinners or presents.  I've probably dated out of boredom, but I never want to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone.  I want to be with someone because I really like spending time with them, I like the way I feel around them, and I feel like we both help each other learn and grow.  And I think that's what most people want, regardless of gender.  

Revising the profile also showed that Greg and I sometimes see things SO differently.  Growing up we seemed like polar opposites: he had his nose in a book as much as humanly possible (even while walking or brushing his teeth), was a computer programmer and was on the Robotics Team; I was a writer, musician, and did every art form from theater to photography.  I felt like other people would try to put us in boxes: Greg was the "smart one" and I was the "creative one."  Luckily we never really bought into that and neither did our parents.  Greg and I are both smart, and both creative.  He enjoys creative endeavors: he's a designer as well as engineer, he goes to Burning Man every year and spins fire poi.  I also did well in school: taking AP & IB courses in high school, and graduating from high school and college with honors; I've even noticed that every Matchmaker's version of the profile says something about my brains.  As we've gotten older I see more of how similar Greg and I are, and how our different ways are two sides of the same coin.  

However, at times our differing viewpoints made revising the profile very challenging.  For example, Greg sees the phrase "dating experiment" as cold and uninviting, whereas I see it as fun and playful.  He's concerned that guys will see themselves as guinea pigs in the experiment, so he was often trying to emphasize vulnerability in the profile.  To me, the "experiment" part of it actually takes some of the stress off.  I'm a perfectionist, and when it comes to dating I get anxious about picking "the right guy" or "the right first-date outfit."  But an experiment is about trial and error: you try something, and if it doesn't work you try something else.  You don't have to get it right the first time, you learn and build your data set as the experiment progresses.  If the first round of an experiment doesn't go well, I doubt a scientist would eat a pint of ice cream and say they will never do an experiment again.  They'd figure out how to make the experiment better and try again. The experiment makes it easier for me to lean into the vulnerability, to see good dates or bad dates not as "success/failure" but learning opportunities about what makes a date "good" or "bad" and how to make dating the best possible experience for me and my dates.  

Greg is the first Matchmaker who has experience using OkCupid to message girls, so he had a unique perspective.  He was very focused on including details that a guy could send me a message about, because he gets frustrated by girls' profiles that don't give him good message opportunities.  For example, if the profile says I'm a "life-long learner" it doesn't give a guy much to send me a message about.  But if it says, "I’m a life-long learner - have you ever wondered where the phrase “get down to brass tacks” came from? I did too and asked the Google machine" then a guy can send me a message that asks "Where does the phrase 'get down to brass tacks' come from?"

I asked Greg about what kind of guy he thinks would be a match for me, and he said he didn't have a specific type of guy in mind.  After thinking for a bit he said, "Guys who are adventurous, at least somewhat stable and not particularly flakey...a little wild, but not to the point of being undependable."  I can agree with that.  I've definitely been with guys who are adventurous but not stable, and a few guys that are stable but not very adventurous.  Guys that are adventurous but stable, a bit wild but also dependable, seem to be hard to find.  

So let's go, OkCupid, give us your adventurous and stable!

Week 4: Michael's High Standards

Last week I wrote about Knowing What You Want vs. Being Picky and now we have an example of being picky (and it's not a bad thing): this week my friend Michael, Matchmaker #4, didn't find any guys that were up to his standards.

At first this made me really nervous.  Couldn't we just look at the messages again and find the least offensive guy or two?

But then I actually heard what Michael was saying: he didn't find anyone who he thought would actually be a good match and seemed up for the experiment.  So why would I go on dates with guys that clearly don't seem like good matches?  Whoa, standards.

There were a few interesting things that happened with messages this week:
When Michael and I revised the OkCupid profile for this week, he wanted to add more specific biographical information, like where I grew up, went to school, places that I traveled to.  I thought this was interesting and might give guys some good conversation starters.

We also took out the intro paragraph that described the experiment, instead we added in the "You should message me if" section, "You're open to being part of a dating experiment called Post-Modern Matchmaker (my friend Mike is using the profile to be a Matchmaker for me this week)."  We thought that the long description at the start of the profile might have been scaring guys off, and one sentence later in the profile might yield some promising matches.

Instead, we got a lot of messages that just said, "Hi." or "How are you" (yes, sans question mark).

.facepalm.

Only one guy referred to the specific info we included, he sent a message that just said he'd gone to the same university I had.  Another guy sent a message that just said, "you remind me of my best friend Brandy."  Cool?  How is someone supposed to respond to that?  Pre-experiment I never responded to message that just say "Hi" or "How are you" because if a guy can't come up with something more interesting than that, I don't want to date him (also, punctuation is required).  When a guy sends a message that is just a statement (no questions), I also usually find it unappealing.  I've been on plenty of dates with guys who only talk about themselves and don't ask me any questions, so why respond to an OkCupid message that is basically the same thing?  With the experiment, when someone else is using the profile, it's even more awkward.  It's weird for the Matchmaker to send a message as though they're me, but when they send a message that it's the Matchmaker, guys don't usually respond.

One guy sent a message that said, "OKC keeps thrusting me on your direction so I thought I'd drop you a line and have a sample of your wit!:)"  I see that as saying "Make me laugh to convince me to be interested in you!" but Michael liked him so he sent a message to tell that guy about the dating experiment and if he had any questions about me Michael could answer them.  No response.

After several days with no matches that he liked, Michael suggested that I start using QuickMatch to rate some guys' profiles.  It's based on a 5 star system, and if you rate someone 4 or 5 stars OkCupid sends them a message saying that you like them.  If you both rate each other 4 or 5 stars, you both get a message.  We got some mutual 4 or 5 star ratings, but none of those guys sent messages.  Michael sent one of them a message explaining the experiment and seeing if he would be interested in meeting up.  No response.

Where are the adventurous men in LA?  I see so many photos on OkCupid of skydiving or Burning Man, are guys really that scared of a dating experiment?

Michael was also surprised by the response (or lack thereof).  He's been with his boyfriend for a while, but when he was single and on OkCupid guys sent more messages that seemed like they'd actually read his profile.  It seemed to him like people are putting less time and thought into messages than they used to.  I think it may be because of apps like Tinder and Grindr, in which messaging is more like instant messaging/texting, whereas OkCupid is more like email.  OkCupid does have an app, so if guys are basically using OkCupid like Tinder then sending a message that just says, "hi" makes a little more sense.  It's still annoying/boring.  The irony of so many forms of communication and less meaningful communication.

There was another interesting twist on the experiment this week: my cousin Emily (Matchmaker #3) has a friend whose younger brother's best friend lives in San Diego and she thought he might be interested in the experiment.  After reading the blog, he sent an OkCupid message this week, so we'll call him Bachelor #8.  It's a significant distance between LA and San Diego so I don't know how soon we'll be able to meet up, but I couldn't pass up a cousin's friend's brother's friend story.

It got me thinking about a variation on the experiment: I want to see if my friends and family would set me up with guys they know in real life.  So dearest family and friends reading this, if you know of a single guy in my age range who might be a good match, will you find out if he would be a part of the experiment?  If he is interested, let me know!  Online profiles are subject to the Marketing of Dating, and I'm very curious to see what kind of matches would happen when the matchmaker actually knows both people.  I have a few more Matchmakers lined up, but I'm hoping to move toward real life matches in a few weeks.

In other news, I'm still working on scheduling a date with Bachelor #6.  It's been almost two weeks.  I'm not a patient person!

Week 3: Knowing What You Want vs. Being Picky

My cousin Emily was the Matchmaker for Week 3, and when we were wrapping up her Matchmaker week I asked her if she has any dating advice for me.  She said a phrase that I've often heard, which most single people dread:

"You need to figure out what you want."  

I like to think I know what I want, I could write a page or two of qualities that I'm looking for in a guy.  But then I feel like people would tell me I'm "too picky."

Is that the fate of the single person, you "need to figure out what you want" but if you know what you want you're "too picky"?

I know some people get too focused on specific (often superficial) details.  If I'll only date brunette millionaire Harvard grads who are 6ft or taller, I'm significantly reducing the number of guys I can date (especially since I'm not in millionaire and/or Harvard social circles).  But if I want to date an emotionally mature, financially stable, kind, down-to-earth guy with a good sense of humor, am I being "picky"?  Where's the line between having standards and having a laundry list?

Emily said that she had been too picky, so a few years ago she decided to give everybody a chance and it helped her figure out what she really wanted.  She and her boyfriend had known each other for several years through friends and they initially didn't get along very well.  As they spent more time together she realized that she liked how she felt around him.  And he fit other criteria she had: physically active, independent, doesn't play games, and she didn't have to give up her high heels.

One goal of this experiment is to give guys a chance that I normally wouldn't.  But my dating history suggests that I could be a bit more discerning.  In the past 6 years of being "single" I've dated/been involved with a wide range of guys: hippies who lived in buses, anarchists, a writer/director, an accountant, a bartender, and a compulsive liar.  I was trying to be open to anything and along the way some standards developed: I will only date guys who live in a permanent structure (house, apartment, etc), no long-distance, must have compatible senses of humor, not bats#%t crazy.

I prefer to date guys that are taller than me, and some people seem to consider that "picky."  Is being "picky" about physical/superficial things?  But attraction is at least somewhat physical/superficial, and how much can we change what we're attracted to?  No one will match every quality you're looking for, but where is the line between compromise and settling?  How about the differences between the type of guys I say I want to date and the guys I actually get involved with?  Lots of questions to ponder...


At the end of her Matchmaker week, Emily picked two guys:

Bachelor #6 is a church-going music teacher who says he's a good listener (interestingly, he is from Georgia, where Emily currently lives).

Bachelor #7: Emily described him as a male version of me, in his profile he says he's "A witty, goofy, introspective, serious spaz."  Differences between us: he's 39 years old, one inch taller than me, and has a red "Jew-fro."

She said they both "seemed intriguing and not your normal choices, but not going to piss you off either."  I contacted both bachelors, and Bachelors #6 and I are working on scheduling a date.  Bachelor #7 has not responded, so the trend of one bachelor per week being a flake continues.  It is odd to me that it's such a high flake rate, but thankfully I just see it as a statistic of the experiment and I don't take it personally!

We also started a new Matchmaker Week!  The Matchmaker for Week #4 is my friend Michael.  He and I went to high school and part of college together, and traveled in Europe together during college.  He's the first male Matchmaker of the experiment, so we'll see how his perspective is different!

Week 3 Matchmaker: Emily

The Matchmaker for Week 3 is my cousin Emily, who is like an older sister to me.  She lives in Atlanta and when I told her about the experiment she offered to be a Matchmaker.  She briefly tried online dating a few years ago and found the experience not very pleasant, and is currently in a long-term relationship.

Emily and I worked on revising the profile together because it was really important to her that I was comfortable with all the information on the profile.  The OkCupid profile questions also prompted interesting discussions we wouldn't normally have, like how I describe what I'm doing with my life, or what I spend a lot of time thinking about.

One of the things we discussed were specific words/interests that might attract certain types of guys.  I'd been hanging out with friends last week and discussing the dating experiment and online dating.  One guy said that in the "You should message me if" section of his profile he wrote, "You still get excited when you see a lizard on a hike" because then it appeals to girls that a) hike, b) get excited about things, and c) think that lizards are cool.  When Emily and I were working on the "Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food" section (far too many topics for one category in my opinion) we were talking about TV shows and I said, "I don't even have a TV or cable, I just have a projector and watch Netflix and Hulu."  Emily said, "Write exactly that!" because it would appeal to other film nerds/tech savvy/non-mainstream guys.  It had never occurred to me to write in an online dating profile that I have a projector, but Emily's logic makes sense!

One of the best parts about having someone's help writing an OkCupid profile is the "I'm really good at" section.  Most people hate filling this out for themselves, but I get to have other people do the bragging for me!  Emily's answer was heart-warming for me, she said:
"Loving life. It sounds cheesy but you're someone who figures out how to love your life and if you don't like something you fix it."  
It's so meaningful to me because that's exactly the type of person that I try to be, so it's really encouraging for someone who's known me my whole life to describe me that way!  It's also important because it's also the type of person I want to be with.  One of my biggest pet peeves is when people complain about things but don't do anything to change/improve what they're complaining about.  We all need to vent at times, but as the Serenity Prayer says:
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference."  (I'm not in AA, I just like how succinct the Serenity Prayer is.)

Another change we made to the profile this week was adding a photo of me with my parents and brother.  I don't think I'd ever had a family photo on a dating profile before, but Emily and I both like the photo (it's fun, playful photos from a photobooth) and I'm curious to see if it changes the response at all.  I'm close with my family and would prefer to date someone who is at least on good terms with their family, so a family photo could help cue that.

I'm really glad to have the balance of family members and friends as Matchmakers, I think it helps give different perspectives on me and dating.  And I like the new version of the profile we came up with, it combines parts of the profile I was using before the experiment (which was rather tongue-in-cheek and sometimes a bit absurd) with the softer, more sincere tone that we'd had in the profile Week 1 and 2.

After last week I've been a bit concerned about whether we'll get enough of a response or not, but we are getting some messages.  I've wondered if having a full description of the experiment at the very beginning of the profile is a deterrent, and in future weeks may want to explore editing that down.  I don't think I want to take all mentions of the experiment out entirely, but it's definitely a variable to play with in future weeks!

Update on Week 2 Bachelors, we'll call them Bachelor #4 and Bachelor #5:
Bachelor #4 sent me an email and we're setting up a date (he even read some of the blog, which the other Bachelors hadn't before the date).

Bachelor #5 is MIA.  Interestingly, that's one guy per week that has flaked (Bachelor #2 rain checked due to health problems but hasn't emailed since).  People flake a lot in online dating, so it makes sense that it's part of the experiment too.  I even used to say in my profile that I don't like literally or figuratively flakey people!  Bachelor #5 had sent a rather generic message and didn't respond to the message we sent letting him know Tracy had selected him, so I'm not sure if he'd read the profile at all.  According to OkCupid we are a 77% Match and 20% Enemy (which is a high Enemy percentage) so maybe it's for the best.  I'm keeping track of each of the Bachelors and their OkC Match % and Enemy %, we'll see if that yields any interesting data!