F&@# Yes and Family Matchmaker Month!

I celebrated Thanksgiving with family, went to my 10 year high school reunion (which was actually really fun!), and caught up on Serial.  Now, I'm back! 

*Includes some NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) language*

We wrapped up Katt's Matchmaker week, and there are no new matches.  

There are a few contributing factors:

1) My head wasn't exactly in the game.  It was interesting to observe/remember how I handle breakups: I throw myself into my work.  While I know it's healthier than throwing myself at the next guy that comes along, it wasn't very conducive to a dating experiment.  I.e. I had zero interest in OkCupid.  Even without a breakup, I often feel OkCupid fatigue after a while- more on that later. 

2) The profile wasn't funny (and I'm a comedian).  A guy friend looked at the profile and said that it was telling, not showing.  Don't tell me you're good at making people laugh, show me that you're good at making people laugh!  My profile before the experiment had leaned too much on humor (sometimes absurdity) and it's been good to push myself to be more genuine in the profile.  But it should have some humor!

3) I'm adopting Mark Manson's Law of "Fuck Yes or No": Only getting involved with guys that I am really enthusiastic about getting involved with, and they share the enthusiasm for the relationship.  I've often felt more "Sure, Why Not" about guys I've gotten involved with than "Fuck Yes."  At the beginning of the experiment I was focused on dating different types of guys than I normally did, so I wanted to be open to all types of guys.  This has helped me learn a lot about what kind of guy I'm looking for, and I'm grateful to the Bachelors for what they've helped me learn.  But as I'm getting a better idea of who I want to date, I don't want to go on dates with guys that I know aren't a good match.  I don't want to waste my time, or their's!

There were some guys that sent nice messages this week, but no one was in the Fuck Yes category so there are no new matches.  There were also a lot of boring messages, maybe because the profile wasn't funny? 

Katt liked Mark Manson's Law of FY/N and also sent me his post about Love Is Not Enough.  While I don't necessarily agree with bashing John Lennon, I definitely agree that love doesn't make a relationship work.  It's an important piece of the puzzle, but only one piece.  I wish someone had told me this when I was 19 and in a very tumultuous relationship, although I probably wouldn't have listened!  Ah, "What Doesn't Kill You" or whatever.  

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We started a new Matchmaker week month! 

I'd been planning for my parents to have a Matchmaker week, my mom had been the Matchmaker for Week 1 and wanted another shot at it, and I was curious to get their insights since they've been following the experiment and blog.  As Thanksgiving approached, I thought, "What about having a Family Matchmaker Week?"  My brother was also a Matchmaker (for Week 5) and if we all put our heads together on a profile it'd be like a Matchmaker Supergroup!

Thanksgiving weekend I sat down with my parents and brother to write An Awesome Profile, combining all I've learned from the experiment.  We tried to balance my city girl/farm girl interests, my passion for film and writing, my travel stories, that I'm looking for an honest and kind guy, my romantic side and serious side, oh yeah and make it funny.  It took a while.  

Luckily we can always make each other laugh, for example: while working on the "I spend a lot of time thinking about" section, the first thing my mom suggested was "Climate change," not remembering that it was the first thing she'd suggested when we wrote the profile in Week 1!  I laughed and said I didn't think it was best to put that as the first thing I think about a lot, but it did make the final cut (further down the list).  

It also reminded me how much nuance there is in writing a good online dating profile.  Often my parents would suggest something and my brother and I would basically say, "Yes that's true but you can't say it like that in a profile!"  It was important to my dad that we write about my solo travels because "that takes balls" (his words) and it would attract guys.  But "I like to travel" is an OkCupid cliche, so the challenge was not only to figure out what we wanted to convey but also interesting ways to say it.  

We looked at pictures on the profile, and again came to the conclusion that I need new pictures.  Ugh.  I prefer to be behind the camera, but I need to ask friends to help me take better pictures (including this to publicly hold myself accountable).  

We're changing the process slightly also: since I've realized how important physical attraction is, I'll be the first filter (instead of the Matchmakers).  If I don't find a guy attractive, I won't go on a date with him.  What a concept!

Why a month?  Remember the OkCupid fatigue I mentioned?  Lately on OkCupid I've felt like, "Haven't I seen everyone on here?"  So I want to mix it up.  This profile will be up for December and I'll also try other methods of meeting guys: speed dating, singles mixers, Grouper, asking friends to be wingmen/wingwomen, and hey friends/family, set me up with single guys you know! 

These other methods also have the bonus of community (not the show!).  The isolation of online dating is part of what gets to me.  The Matchmakers help, but applying the Law of Fuck Yes makes OkCupid a bit more bleak.  I wish I was attracted to every guy who sends a nice message, but that is not the case.  Recently I was looking at a guy's profile and he was cute! Tall! Monogamous!  I was optimistic until I read his profile.  He talked about seeing a UFO, doing DMT, and 9/11 being an inside job.  Ugh.  Those are the times that I feel like throwing in the towel.  Hopefully more involvement of my friends, even just laughing with me about the strangeness of dating, will help.  Good times or bad times are always better with friends!

Week 1: Mom Picks Potential Beaus

The Week 1 results are in!  My mom couldn't narrow it down to three, so she picked four and I vetoed one.
I've responded to their OkCupid messages to let them know that they've been picked, and asked them to email me at the Postmodern Matchmaker gmail account to make plans for a date.  My mom also made suggestions for what the date would be (this wasn't required, but my mom is a planner and I think she wanted something more interesting than standard drinks dates).

My mom put real thought into her choices and they are all different than guys I would usually go on dates with, so I figured I'd give a little explanation of each (OkCupid usernames will not be included to protect privacy).

Bachelor #1 is a film student, baseball and hockey fan, whiskey connoisseur, and Eagle Scout.

Mom approved factors: Boy Scout (remember, she literally said that's something she was looking for?  I took it mostly metaphorically, but it is a bonus for her), film student (I went to film school and work in film), he says he enjoys adventures.

Why he's not My Normal Type: Boy Scout + the superhero references = reminds me of my brother (my brother is an Eagle Scout and very into comics/Geek culture), film student (film school was fun but was 5 years ago for me), and his profile says "Mostly Monogamous" (a problem I sometimes have with OkCupid is too much information/not enough context.  What does "Mostly Monogamous" mean to him?).

Date Mom Suggested: California Science Center, where the Space Shuttle Endeavour is, they also have many other exhibits including one on Pompeii.
(P.S. Why is the Space Shuttle Endeavour spelled differently than the word "endeavor"??  I looked it up like 3 times to check.  I assume with a "u" it's the British spelling, but it's an American Space Shuttle...I digress)


Bachelor #2 is a lawyer who is currently working in tech, and doesn't have a whole lot of info on his profile.

Mom approved factors: He's lived in several different states (as I have), one of his photos is with his family, and he's about the same age as I am and lives nearby.

Why he's not My Normal Type: He's a lawyer (my dad is a lawyer, so I generally avoid dating lawyers.  Also I figure they're rather by-the-book types, not compatible with artsy moi), I don't get a lot from his profile.

Date Mom Suggested: The Travel Town Museum in Griffith Park, or a picnic in the park.
(Edit: B#2 is the first to respond to my message and struck down the Travel Town Museum idea for dinner/drinks)


Bachelor #3 is a writer, for tv and an art magazine, nature-lover, and apparently was a Geek on the reality tv dating show Beauty and the Geek.

Mom approved factors: He's vegetarian (as I am), likes Joshua Tree (as I do), is smart and his profile is funny.

Why he's not My Normal Type: He's 5'5" (two inches shorter than I am, and I pretty much only date guys that are significantly taller than I am).  Other than that, he's very much the type of guy I'm interested in.

Date Mom Suggested: She sent me a link to a list of free museums in LA and we were looking at different options.  Since he writes for an art magazine I suggested an art museum or gallery and asked for his input.


Overall observations:
-I'm glad the guys my mom picked are all very different, and all different from the type of guys I would normally date.  Good job, Mom!
-OkCupid has a LOT of information on profiles, and it took a bit of time for my mom to adapt to reading all the different information.
-It's generally quite funny to browse OkCupid profiles with my mom, and it was interesting to see what information stood out to each of us, and if it was positive or negative.
-We got a few form messages (a message a guy clearly sends to every girl).  This surprised my mom, but I told her it's just like a pickup line that a guy uses on every girl in a bar.  For some guys it's a numbers game, and if they send the same message to everyone they can send more messages.  But it's a big negative for me, I'm very unlikely to message a guy back if he sent a generic message.  My mom agreed, and all 3 guys she picked had sent messages that showed they'd read the profile.
-Although I have bits of my normal dating anxiety, I'm genuinely looking forward to meeting all three of these guys because they're different!  I'm intrigued by what I'm learning about what I'm looking for, what my mom values, and about the differences in dating now vs. the 1970's & 80's.  I'm really glad my mom and I are talking about dating now, it's made me realize how little we talked about it before.


Also, now that my mom's week as Matchmaker has ended, a new Matchmaker is taking over the account!  My friend Tracy is the next Matchmaker.  We've been friends since film school and always swap dating/love life (horror) stories.  She tends to date very different guys than I do, so I'm quite curious to see what kind of guys she will pick!

And it starts!

The experiment has officially started, and I'm a little nervous but mostly really curious!

Mom had never been on OkCupid before, so I walked her through the site over the phone.  One of her first questions was, "Do you like dancing?" I like dancing, but it also depends on the type of music. When my parents were dating they went out dancing a lot, but it was all disco, now "going out dancing" can be EDM at a fancy Hollywood club or dancing to soul music at a local dive (yea to the latter, nay to the former).

We started filling in information for the Post-Modern Matchmaker profile, and it was funny the discussions and generational differences  it brought up.  I have often debated what Body Type option to select (OkCupid gives you the following options: Rather Not Say, Thin, Overweight, Skinny, Average, Fit, Athletic, Jacked, A Little Extra, Curvy, Full Figured, Used Up).  My mom thought we should put Curvy, and I laughed and told her that now Curvy usually implies you have quite a butt and I do not.  Average?  Or does Average have a negative connotation (especially in LA)?  Fit?  Or does that imply that I'm like a Fitness Model (I'm not).  I've also noticed that guys seem to have different definitions of body types for themselves than I do, which fits with gender norms of women being far more critical of bodies/weight than men.  We went with Average, as it seemed the least problematic.

My mom brought up that I've traveled a lot, and I told her that saying, "I like to travel" has become such a cliche, it's like saying, "I like music."  We worked on how to incorporate the information she felt was important while trying to avoid the cliches.  Mom suggested including that I work at the local community garden and I'd never even thought to write that in an online dating profile.  We looked at the OkCupid profile I've had off and on for years, and it's rather tongue-in-cheek (comedy=defense mechanism=duh).  With my mom's influence, the Post-Modern Matchmaker profile is more serious and/or genuine and I think it's a nice change.  We'll change the profile a bit with each Matchmaker, and for Mom week it's definitely More Heart and Less Snark.

We looked at a few guys' profiles, Mom was scandalized by some username that she dare not repeat, and it was hilarious to have a phone conversation with my mom that went, "Oh, do you think he's cute?  No, do you?"  As I mentioned previously, my mom and I don't usually talk much about my dating life, so she's trying to figure out who I'm into!  The dating age range she picked (28-33) is smaller than I would normally say, but I welcome these kind of changes.  I asked her what kind of guy she thinks would be a good fit for me, and the first thing she said was "Tall" (haha we are definitely related).  When I asked her to list some personality traits, she said "A nice guy.  A Boy Scout, always prepared. A guy with a brain.  Who doesn't smoke cigarettes."  I left out the Boy Scout part, because I don't think being a literal Boy Scout is an actual requirement, but I included the rest as is.  I love the Mom quality of it!

So she says that we're looking for a nice guy, how will that match up with the guys that actually get picked?  Will the Boy Scouts of OkCupid prevail?

Week 1 Matchmaker: Mom

Week 1 Matchmaker: Mom

My mom is awesome.  If you've met my mom, you know that she's one of the sweetest, kindest people you'll ever meet.  We're close and she's really supportive, which I really appreciate because I've thrown her a fair number of curveballs over the years, including this latest one: "I'm doing a dating experiment, would you pick some guys for me to date?"  After some protestations about never having been on a dating site (my parents have been married for 30+ years), she agreed.

Here's the funny thing: I don't usually talk to my mom about my love life.  I used to talk to her about boys when I was growing up although I don't think she was my tell-all confidant, I think she probably knew what boys I had crushes on.  I should ask her about how much I did tell her then, sometimes we remember things very differently!

At some point in college I found that my mom had a tendency to ask about my love life at unfortunate times, through no fault of her own (my love life is usually tumultuous), usually when a guy hadn't texted/called or things weren't going well or it seemed like guy I was crushing on was not reciprocally crushing.  Being a fairly practical person I decided that it was best for both of us if I stopped telling her about my love life, so that way she wasn't accidentally bringing up injurious information.

Only when we started talking about this experiment did I realize that my parents haven't met a guy I've been involved with in the past 10 years (since high school).  They met the guys I dated in high school, but I've only had one "boyfriend" since high school and that was only a brief summer thing several years ago (he was supposed to come to one family event and bailed, and my mom still holds it against him).
I haven't been sitting home knitting cat sweaters, in the past 10 years I've been "involved with" or "hanging out" (or hooking up) a smattering of boys, more recently graduating to the Man-Child category.  These guys often "don't believe in labels" which also usually means "Not A Guy You Introduce To Your Parents."  And much of the past 10 years I've been "undateable" for various reasons: recovering from a brutal breakup, traveling around the world, focusing on film school, bouncing around the country working on farms, or focusing on my career.  But now I have no excuses left.  I've been back in LA for over 2 years, I'm no longer working 80 hour weeks, I have the time and attention span to date someone (I think).  Maybe that's why the "guys I usually date" have become the sore thumb, the one thing that hasn't changed.

I wouldn't lie to my mom about dating (honesty is quite important in our family), I just didn't volunteer a lot of information.  If she asked what I was doing that night and I had a date, I would tell her.  I would sometimes tell her about a guy I'd been involved with, but usually after it was already over.  I'm talking to her more about dating now because of this experiment.  It's funny to hear about the differences between dating now and in the 1970s.  My mom was amazed how my brother or I can know that we don't want to date someone after one date.  I'm looking forward to hearing what she thinks of OkCupid, the amount of information that you can see about someone, what guys write, etc.

I'm very curious to see what kind of guys my mom thinks I should date, and what kinds of guys on OkCupid think they're Mom Approved.  Guys will sometimes post on their profiles that they're the type of guy you could take home to your parents, but are those the types of guys that my parents would actually approve of? Will my mom pick guys that she would've dated when she was my age?  My dad was a Rebel Without A Pause when they met, he was a bouncer, rode a motorcycle, etc.  Will my mom set me up with guys like that, or Nice Guys? Somewhere in between?

Stay tuned, only time will tell!

The Post-Modern Matchmaker Experiment

My name is Jean, and I'm starting a Dating Experiment called Post-Modern Matchmaker.

Aim: To try dating different types of guys than I usually do, and learn about what types of guys my friends and family think would be a good fit for me.  (And hopefully to write about it in an entertaining way.)

Materials: I've set up an OkCupid account, an email account, and this blog (postmodernmatchmaker.blogspot.com) solely for this experiment.

Procedure: I will ask family members and friends (one at a time) to be the Matchmaker for a week, and use the OkCupid account (or other methods) to select 3 potential suitors.  Then I will set up dates with said potential suitors (I am allowed to veto one of their choices if I want).  I will write about the process (selection of suitors and dates) and the Matchmaker is welcome to write guest posts.

Participants: The first Matchmaker will be my mom, then I'll ask other friends and family.  Potential suitors must live in the greater Los Angeles area.

Explanation:
I have terrible taste in men.  I even do stand up comedy about it, and though it's great that people always laugh about the compulsive liar I dated or the guys who lived in buses, I personally am rather sick of the type of guys I get involved with.  I'm not one of those girls who "only dates assholes," I'm drawn to guys that "have a lot of potential."  Unfortunately, they usually seem to have little intention of realizing said "potential."  And as well-intentioned as dating Guys with Potential can be, it's also thinly disguised Dating-Someone-To-Change-Them, which we all know is Dating No-No #415.

Recently I started thinking, how could I meet different types of guys?  I've tried OkCupid several times over the years and usually met guys that I have lots of common interests with but no chemistry.  Tinder...ugh, Tinder sometimes made me laugh and sometimes made me want to weep for humanity.  I went on one Tinder date, and he was a nice guy but we had no chemistry.  So the guys I meet online are usually nice guys I'm not attracted to, and the guys I meet in real life I'm attracted to but there's not much relationship potential.

But what if I wasn't the one picking the guys?  What guys would my mom, or my best friend, think I would be good with?  The people who already know and love me (and have heard about my boy drama for so many years) might see different things in potential suitors than I do.  And I'm genuinely curious about what kind of guys they would pick.  Whether it yields an actual relationship for me or not, I feel like I could learn about who they think would be compatible with me, what their dealbreakers are.

So we embark on this experiment.  Because, Science!