Flirting and Other Fine Arts - Part 2

(Continued from Part 1)

The intense nervousness is sort of adorable, but also frustrating.  At the start of his last day Boyfriend told me that he was leaving and why.  My friend had been pointing out for weeks how he was telling me personal information that he wasn't telling other people (you don't discuss anything meaningful/personal in Work Flirting, in my book).  On my 30 Before 30 List is "Ask a guy out on a date," and it seemed like a good opportunity.  At the end of our conversation, as we're walking away from each other (but were still facing each other, I don't remember why) I said, "We should get drinks!"  He gave me an inscrutable eyebrow raise, and I kept walking away because the only thing in my brain was, "OMG OMG OMG."  We were both very busy that day, and though he held direct eye contact with me whenever we would see each other, we didn't talk again until the end of the night.  He gave me a hug, said it was great to meet me and he'd see me on the next one.  I probably said something like, "Yeah, you too," but I don't remember because my thoughts = "WHAT?????"

I've had a few days off and spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to understand what had happened.  Was he just Work Flirting with me?  But then why did he tell me so much personal stuff?  And why did he seek me out so often?  Work Flirting is casual, usually with people you have to interact with often for work, but he and I didn't have to interact for our jobs.  But if he was Real Flirting with me, then why didn't he say something about getting drinks??  And unfortunately, my brain's normal response is that I messed it up somehow so I was replaying everything trying to figure out what I did wrong.  Ugh.  My friends said everything from, "He probably didn't mean to be flirting with you," to "Maybe he's out of practice dating, you should text him!"  I tried to stop thinking about it by throwing myself into work and then drinking.  My therapist said I needed to deal with it (not just try to work or drink my way out of my feelings).  Yeah.  So I journaled, painted, and gave myself time to think.

And then he texted me today.  Out of the blue, seemingly just to say hi.  It made me excited and happy, but also really really really really nervous.  Again.

Why am I sharing this?  I would love to hear that other people also get super nervous around people they like, and if anyone has ways that they deal with it (other than running away).  Also, I think it's funny when weird/awkward things happen to me, and sharing it makes me feel better.  In movies/tv/etc. we see guys getting very nervous around women but less often women getting very nervous around men (or those women are written as socially inept in general).  If anyone thinks that only guys get nervous around people they like, *ahem* women sometimes do too!

I'm also sharing because turned on myself like a Mean Girl, and it's something I'm working on.  I see it in how I write/talk about it, the amount of times I use words like "dumb" and "idiot."  I like to stay cool, calm and collected, and when there's someone I can't keep my cool around, I freak out even more.  People have always told me I'm hard on myself, I used to think it was a compliment, but I'm trying to be kinder to myself.  To the other perfectionists/overthinkers out there, I get you.  Give yourself a break.

There's a lyric from "Spiralling" by Keane: "When we fall in love/ We're just falling/ In love with ourselves."  I think the song as a whole is about how love can be narcissistic, but that lyric has always fascinated me.  When I fall in love, I'm not falling in love with myself, I'm looking for whatever parts of myself I need to hide or kill off in order for the person to like me.  I'm trying to hide the skeletons in my closet and/or choreographing their entrances. I think this is common to some extent, but recently it's concerned me. I'm looking for a way that falling in love can be falling in love with myself too, instead of tearing myself to pieces.  I know that it can be attractive when people are authentically themselves, but as Brene Brown says, "Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you."   Change isn't easy, but I think it's worth it.

My 30 Before 30 List

My 29th birthday is at the end of the month (May 31st, I'm a Gemini and yes that explains some things).  My anxiety about turning 30 started when I turned 28, so my approaching 29th birthday only increased it.  I decided I needed to find a way to get excited about my birthday, so I decided to make a 30 Before 30 List: 30 things I want to do before I turn 30.

I started making the list a few weeks ago and have already crossed a few things off, I'll post now and then about my progress on the list.  My rules for what can be on the list are that they have to all be things that I could likely do before May 2016, and they have to be "cross-off-able" so not like "Accept myself just as I am," because though I am working on that it's not something I can say, "Ok that's done and I can cross it off the list."  And I'm trying to keep it balanced so I'm not setting an unreasonable expectation for myself in the next year!

I'm sharing my 30 Before 30 List for a few reasons:

1. I hope that it will be interesting and entertaining for others, and perhaps inspire others to do things they've been meaning to do but have put off.  
2. I'm currently on a dating hiatus.*
3. I'm a workaholic, and my 30 Before 30 List will help encourage me to do things other than work! 
4. I'm aware that much of my anxiety about turning 30 is part of our culture's narrative about women and aging: basically women should try not to age or show age or talk about age.  We're taught to worship at the altar of youth and beauty, and it's all downhill from here.  It's a narrative of fear and scarcity: worries about fewer viable partners, being able to have kids, being less desirable, and time is the enemy (cue Garfunkel and Oates: 29/31).  This is my effort to call out and combat this weird bullshit.  Not that all women feel this way about turning 30, but that many share the same anxiety about aging in general.  And my tendency is to take awkward things that people generally don't talk about and put them front and center (e.g. The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide), I don't even quite know why.  Chalk it up to being a Gemini?

*Explanation of the Dating Hiatus: recently I've encountered some health issues that I realized were making dating very stressful for me, so I've decided to take a break from dating while dealing with these health issues.  I may explain it further in the blog in the future, and I haven't figured out exactly how long the hiatus will last (will somewhat depend on my health!) but figured it was worth noting in the blog.  

So here's my 30 Before 30 List:

(well, the 21 things I have on the list so far, and I'm glad that I have room to add!)

Career Goals

1. Get full financing for my film The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide.
2. Start Production on my film The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide.

Around LAlaland
3. Go to Chateau Marmont.
4. Go to a Cinefamily Screening.
5. Go to the Watts Towers.
6. Plan a beach day with friends.
7. See a movie I've been meaning to see for ages.
8. Go to Renaissance Faire.
9. Volunteer for at least one day (at a soup kitchen or animal shelter, etc.).

Get out of Town

10. Go to Salvation Mountain/The Salton Sea/Slab City/Cabazon Dinosaurs
11. Go to at least one state I haven’t been to yet (Colorado, North Dakota, South Dakota, Ohio, Minnesota, Nebraska, Iowa, Indiana, Michigan, Vermont, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, or Maine)
12. Go camping in Joshua Tree.

Me!
13. Clean out my closet, donate or sell clothes I don’t wear.
14. Go through & get rid of at least one box from my parents’ garage.
15. Do the Master/Master Teacher Reiki course.
16. Take a day off and do something fun!
17. Ask someone out on a date.

18. Get something nice for my apartment, like a framed piece of art. 

19. Get a massage. 

NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) - may be revealed at a later date, but for now I'll keep these secret

20. NSFM Goal #1

21. NSFM Goal #2 

So far I've crossed 3 things off the list:
4. Go to a Cinefamily Screening.
5. Go to the Watts Towers.

8. Go to Renaissance Faire.
And I'll write about them some time in the near future!

If you have suggestions for things to add to the list, leave a comment below!
xoxo Jean

On Being Bossy, Unbreakable, and Daring Greatly

I wrote a guest post on Bitchflicks about crowdfunding on Seed&Spark for my film The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide, called "Being Bossy, Unbreakable, and Daring Greatly" about some of the challenges we all face with gender roles and "rules," the type of characters I'm trying to create and how those characters inspire me.  Since I've often written about gender roles in this blog, I wanted to re-post the blog here.

Shameless Plug: Our crowdfunding campaign ends this Wednesday 4/22 at 1:11pm Pacific, and we have to hit 80% of our goal to get the contributed funds.  Please help us hit this goal, even $5 helps get us closer!  This film can help people and save lives, and it's (obviously) very dear to my heart.  The first scene of the movie, information about our cast & crew and so much more is here: http://www.seedandspark.com/studio/average-girls-guide-suicide.

Quick Dating Update: Still not dating.  I've been focusing on work, and the most recent guy from OkCupid who seemed interesting still hasn't asked me out on a date after a month of emailing back and forth.  Notice the past tense on "seemed interesting."  I don't have time for that ish!

Alright, now for "Being Bossy, Unbreakable, and Daring Greatly":

Occasionally recently I’ve wondered, “Am I being bossy?”  I’m a writer/director/producer, currently crowdfunding for my first feature film The Average Girl’s Guide to Suicide, and the sole manager of the LLC for our film.  So, I am a boss.  (Not like this, but a bit like a #bosswitch) But as Sheryl Sandberg’s Ban Bossy campaign states, “When a little boy asserts himself, he's called a ‘leader.’ Yet when a little girl does the same, she risks being branded ‘bossy.’” As a 28-year-old, I can vouch that it’s not just little girls that are affected by “bossy.” I’m trying to Ban Bossy in my own brain (or accept that I am a boss and it’s ok if I’m “bossy”) and it got me thinking about our society’s gender expectations and how they can hold all of us back.

In Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly, she writes that according to society’s rules women have to “be willing to stay as small, sweet, and quiet as possible, and use our time and talent to look pretty.”  This made me laugh out loud, because A) I have often felt pressure to be as small, sweet, and quiet as possible, and use my time and talents to look pretty, and B) as a director you generally should not try to be as small, sweet, and quiet as possible or use your time or talents to look pretty.  It’s not bad to be small/sweet/quiet/pretty if that’s your nature, but forcing yourself to be as small or quiet as possible is rarely conducive to getting a movie made.  Personally I’m not small, not often quiet, I try to be kind (but not saccharin sweet), and I’m no beauty queen.  As we’ve been expanding our team, talking to more people about the film, and crowdfunding, I’m constantly running into the societal expectations embedded in my brain.  Self-promotion is not small, sweet, or quiet.  Making a dark comedy about suicide is not small, sweet, or quiet.  Asking people for money is not small, sweet or quiet. 

(Behind the scenes of making the teaser video for The Average Girl’s Guide to Suicide.)

Luckily I’m not alone in this struggle.  Brené Brown writes: “…every successful woman whom I’ve interviewed has talked to be about the sometimes daily struggle to push past ‘the rules’ so she can assert herself, advocate for her ideas, and feel comfortable with her power and gifts.”  If you’re reading this, it’s likely that you can relate also.  Think about how incongruous it is for female CEOs, doctors, or fighter pilots to be concerned with being small/sweet/quiet/pretty.  I hope you just laughed.  Perhaps the next time you feel pressure in your own life to be small/sweet/quiet/pretty, remind yourself of that laugh you just had. 

Women aren't the only ones who are hampered by society’s expectations; “the rules” for men can be just as suffocating as “the rules” for women.  According to Brown these expectations for men can be summed up as: don’t be wrong, don’t be weak, and don’t show fear.  If men step outside those lines, they are often shamed.  The more I've leaned into leadership roles, the more I've felt these expectations too and they aren't fun.  Recently I felt so scared about whether we would hit our crowdfunding campaign goal, and felt like I needed to keep a brave face for everyone else and not show my fear.  Then I realized the trap I was falling into.  I’m lucky to have friends and family who are there for me, and even several friends who have told me that the middle of a crowdfunding is a terrifying desert.  Getting support from friends and family and remembering that I’m not alone help me get out of shame spirals. 

(The ever-inspiring Brené Brown.)

There have been several articles recently critiquing the concept of “Strong Female Characters.”  The problem isn’t with realistic female characters who show resilience, but instead to women who are…basically dudes.  From one such article: “A female character simply having typically masculine traits doesn’t necessarily strengthen her; it only promotes the view that men are the strong ones in the world, and that to be strong means to emulate them.”  I would also argue that in real life, to be strong women we don’t need to try to be strong men.  I’ve been that girl: trying to be stronger, tougher, and more foul-mouthed than the guys, and it’s exhausting.  Because though I can be strong, tough, and sometimes rather foul-mouthed, I am also very empathetic, caring and sensitive.  Trying to be as strong and tough as possible doesn’t leave room for empathetic and sensitive, and I believe it’s better to embrace your true nature rather than fake another.  A friend has a poster that to me has good examples of how letting go of gender norms can ease the burden on both genders.  I look forward to a world where we can accept and celebrate men and women equally for their sensitivity as well as their strength. 

Recently there’s a new strong feminine heroine: the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.  She encourages others to pursue their dreams, and determinedly pursues her own.  She likes helping people, she’s good at it, and she also takes care of herself.  She’s strong because when she gets knocked down, she gets back up.  Kimmy Schmidt shows that being kind, optimistic, and supportive can be part of being strong. 

(A little rain won’t stop The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt!)

As a woman and a writer, it’s encouraging to see strong and empathetic characters.  My film is about a young woman’s journey to accept herself and create a life she wants to live, and it took several years of working on the script (and “doing the work” in my life) to really understand what self-acceptance feels like.  It’s easier to write about a character accepting herself than to accept myself, and it’s still something I work on every day.  I love how fictional characters can help teach us in our real lives, and my characters continue to teach me.  They push me and challenge me to be as brave as they are, and I hope they can inspire you too.  

F&@# Yes and Family Matchmaker Month!

I celebrated Thanksgiving with family, went to my 10 year high school reunion (which was actually really fun!), and caught up on Serial.  Now, I'm back! 

*Includes some NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) language*

We wrapped up Katt's Matchmaker week, and there are no new matches.  

There are a few contributing factors:

1) My head wasn't exactly in the game.  It was interesting to observe/remember how I handle breakups: I throw myself into my work.  While I know it's healthier than throwing myself at the next guy that comes along, it wasn't very conducive to a dating experiment.  I.e. I had zero interest in OkCupid.  Even without a breakup, I often feel OkCupid fatigue after a while- more on that later. 

2) The profile wasn't funny (and I'm a comedian).  A guy friend looked at the profile and said that it was telling, not showing.  Don't tell me you're good at making people laugh, show me that you're good at making people laugh!  My profile before the experiment had leaned too much on humor (sometimes absurdity) and it's been good to push myself to be more genuine in the profile.  But it should have some humor!

3) I'm adopting Mark Manson's Law of "Fuck Yes or No": Only getting involved with guys that I am really enthusiastic about getting involved with, and they share the enthusiasm for the relationship.  I've often felt more "Sure, Why Not" about guys I've gotten involved with than "Fuck Yes."  At the beginning of the experiment I was focused on dating different types of guys than I normally did, so I wanted to be open to all types of guys.  This has helped me learn a lot about what kind of guy I'm looking for, and I'm grateful to the Bachelors for what they've helped me learn.  But as I'm getting a better idea of who I want to date, I don't want to go on dates with guys that I know aren't a good match.  I don't want to waste my time, or their's!

There were some guys that sent nice messages this week, but no one was in the Fuck Yes category so there are no new matches.  There were also a lot of boring messages, maybe because the profile wasn't funny? 

Katt liked Mark Manson's Law of FY/N and also sent me his post about Love Is Not Enough.  While I don't necessarily agree with bashing John Lennon, I definitely agree that love doesn't make a relationship work.  It's an important piece of the puzzle, but only one piece.  I wish someone had told me this when I was 19 and in a very tumultuous relationship, although I probably wouldn't have listened!  Ah, "What Doesn't Kill You" or whatever.  

--------------

We started a new Matchmaker week month! 

I'd been planning for my parents to have a Matchmaker week, my mom had been the Matchmaker for Week 1 and wanted another shot at it, and I was curious to get their insights since they've been following the experiment and blog.  As Thanksgiving approached, I thought, "What about having a Family Matchmaker Week?"  My brother was also a Matchmaker (for Week 5) and if we all put our heads together on a profile it'd be like a Matchmaker Supergroup!

Thanksgiving weekend I sat down with my parents and brother to write An Awesome Profile, combining all I've learned from the experiment.  We tried to balance my city girl/farm girl interests, my passion for film and writing, my travel stories, that I'm looking for an honest and kind guy, my romantic side and serious side, oh yeah and make it funny.  It took a while.  

Luckily we can always make each other laugh, for example: while working on the "I spend a lot of time thinking about" section, the first thing my mom suggested was "Climate change," not remembering that it was the first thing she'd suggested when we wrote the profile in Week 1!  I laughed and said I didn't think it was best to put that as the first thing I think about a lot, but it did make the final cut (further down the list).  

It also reminded me how much nuance there is in writing a good online dating profile.  Often my parents would suggest something and my brother and I would basically say, "Yes that's true but you can't say it like that in a profile!"  It was important to my dad that we write about my solo travels because "that takes balls" (his words) and it would attract guys.  But "I like to travel" is an OkCupid cliche, so the challenge was not only to figure out what we wanted to convey but also interesting ways to say it.  

We looked at pictures on the profile, and again came to the conclusion that I need new pictures.  Ugh.  I prefer to be behind the camera, but I need to ask friends to help me take better pictures (including this to publicly hold myself accountable).  

We're changing the process slightly also: since I've realized how important physical attraction is, I'll be the first filter (instead of the Matchmakers).  If I don't find a guy attractive, I won't go on a date with him.  What a concept!

Why a month?  Remember the OkCupid fatigue I mentioned?  Lately on OkCupid I've felt like, "Haven't I seen everyone on here?"  So I want to mix it up.  This profile will be up for December and I'll also try other methods of meeting guys: speed dating, singles mixers, Grouper, asking friends to be wingmen/wingwomen, and hey friends/family, set me up with single guys you know! 

These other methods also have the bonus of community (not the show!).  The isolation of online dating is part of what gets to me.  The Matchmakers help, but applying the Law of Fuck Yes makes OkCupid a bit more bleak.  I wish I was attracted to every guy who sends a nice message, but that is not the case.  Recently I was looking at a guy's profile and he was cute! Tall! Monogamous!  I was optimistic until I read his profile.  He talked about seeing a UFO, doing DMT, and 9/11 being an inside job.  Ugh.  Those are the times that I feel like throwing in the towel.  Hopefully more involvement of my friends, even just laughing with me about the strangeness of dating, will help.  Good times or bad times are always better with friends!

Date #8: A Bullfight at MOCA

When I wrote about Date #4 I listed some General Rules for a (Bad) First Date.  Since then I've learned that to some guys, setting Rules for a First Date is like waving a red flag in front of a bull.  Introducing Date #8, featuring Bachelor #12 as the bull, and myself as a matador.  Olé. 

We had an unusual bullfighting arena: the Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA) in Downtown LA.  He had suggested meeting there, and I hadn't been in a while so I agreed.  I find it interesting that I hadn't been on a museum date before this experiment, and now 4 of the 8 dates have been at museums!

Bachelor #12 had read quite a bit of the blog and was at times self-conscious about it, saying that he knew too much about me.  He's a very intellectual and very intense guy.  He is 25 years old and Non-Monogamous, which I found interesting because Bachelor #9 is also 25 and Non-Monogamous.  As it turns out they are very different (although they both call me a hipster, which I find funny because I figured I'd feel less hip dating younger guys).  As we chatted about relationships he said that all relationships are temporary and all we're left with is what we learn from each other, which I found rather profound and appropriate as I'm learning from all of the different bachelors.

But he set the tone for the date fairly early on by saying, "I'm going to break all of your First Date Rules."  At the time I actually interpreted this as an advanced apology for potential social awkwardness.  But upon reviewing the date as a whole, it now seems like more of a statement of intent.  I don't know if he wanted to challenge my First Date Rules to make me feel foolish for having stated them, or if he just found it odd that I'm not the most socially normative person and yet was setting Rules.

Either way, he indeed did break almost every First Date Rule that I had outlined.  Perhaps most strikingly (and sort of hilariously) as he was telling me about his philosophy studies and his own personal moral code, and he said, "For example, I'm not sure that there's anything wrong with killing babies."  He would later tell me that in philosophy debates, "killing babies" is a frequently used example.  I took some philosophy courses and was perhaps not as shocked by this statement as some would be, but I think I'd been zoning out a bit during his rant and so my first thought was, "Why am I standing in an art museum listening to this guy talk about killing babies?"

New First Date Rule: Try to avoid talking about killing babies. 

Let me poke some holes in my red flag: I never meant the Rules to be iron clad, I think there are generally exceptions to every rule.  Different people's First Date boundaries will be different, and a good date is when your boundaries are compatible.  I expressed my preferences while writing about Date #4, and am continually learning about what factors contribute to a good or bad date for me.  And this date was no exception.

For as long as I can remember, when I was talking about what I was looking for in a partner, I would say that I was looking for a guy who challenged me.  This date with B#12 made me think about what that means, and what I'm really looking for.  By starting off the date saying, "I'm going to break all of your First Date Rules," he was definitely challenging me, and it can also be seen as saying, "I'm going to make you uncomfortable."  I'm not looking for the type of guy who just says, "Yes, Dear" to everything, but I'm also not looking for a guy who will intentionally make me uncomfortable (especially on a first date).  I've been with a lot of Challenging guys, I've been with a "Yes, Dear" guy or two, but only lately have I experienced what it's like to be with a guy who is Nurturing.

I hadn't recognized how much I'd gotten used to a calm, nurturing dynamic until after this Bullfight Date with B#12 when I realized, I'm tired of relationships that are so combative.  I push myself a lot, constantly, and a guy who is supportive is better for me right now than one who is pushing.  I'm also a rather stubborn person, so being pushed toward something can just makes me resistant to it.  But if someone can give me the space to work it out on my own or give constructive feedback, it's a smoother process.

Boom, paradigm shift: "Challenging" gets moved down the list of traits I'm looking for in a guy, and "Nurturing/Kind" moves way up.  Not that Challenging it totally off the list, but even that the way someone challenges me is more in the Nurturing/Kind way than Aggressive.

I realize that Nurturing is not typically seen as a masculine tendency.  I briefly dated a guy a few years ago who was condescending and when I talked to him about it he said I was looking for him to be nurturing and "Guys aren't nurturing."  Luckily I'm finding that's not true!  Maybe Kind or Supportive are more comfortable words for guys.  I stay away from the word "Nice" because guys sometimes get caught in "Nice Guys Finish Last" and it can motivate them to act like not very nice guys.

It's also interesting that B#12 matched during my friend Chelsea's Matchmaker week, which was more aggressive profile, while B#9 (who is nurturing) matched during my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, which was a more romantic profile.  A few things I take from this:

1) I am more compatible with a guy who responded to a romantic profile than an aggressive profile.  I really would need more data on this because B#9 was the only guy that I actually went on a date with from Greg's Matchmaker week.  But I think I should lean toward dating more romantic guys.  Also the way I'm represented in the profile may affect the way the bachelors interact with me.  B#9 said he'd thought of challenging me about my First Date Rules but decided he didn't want to be that way, perhaps because I'd been portrayed in a romantic/sensitive way.  B#12 probably generally challenges people, but may have been even more challenging with me because that profile had presented me as a more aggressive person.

2) Let's talk about gender roles.  Stereotypically, aggressive is masculine and romantic is feminine.  Yet, Chelsea (female) is our aggressive example and Greg (male) is our romantic example.  I am looking for a masculine man who is in touch with his feminine side, as I am a feminine woman but I also am in touch with my masculine side.  I prefer Power Tool Therapy to Retail Therapy; I'm happy to put on a dress and heels for a night out but spend most of my time wearing yoga pants and running shoes.  I really hope that our society can move past such strict ideas of gender norms because they can be really harmful and limiting to both genders (and anyone that doesn't feel they fit into the gender binary).

3) I actually need to get more comfortable with my romantic/sensitive side.  Today I apologized for "getting all emo" to a friend, and she lovingly scolded me a bit for minimizing my feelings.  I've realized that being with a nurturing guy allows me to let my nurturing side show more, which I actually like.  But it takes a bit of adjusting (and reminding myself) that I like nurturing guys and the nurturing side of myself.

4) How do I figure out who is Kind/Nurturing?  At least for the experiment: OkCupid has a section called "Personality" in which they show which personality traits are strongest in someone compared to average.  One of those personality traits is Kind (I believe Compassionate is also on there sometimes) so I'll be paying more attention to that in guys' profiles.  Also, I've started to notice that some guys list "Kindness" on their profile as something that is important to them.  And I am working on getting better at recognizing the way people show kindness or empathy in communication, online and offline.

If you need more evidence for why I might prefer Kindness, check out this article: Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits. (Spoiler alert: the 2 traits are Kindness and Generosity).

But now back to the date, where I hadn't figured out that paradigm shift yet...

I felt like B#12 and I weren't really clicking, but he suggested that we get drinks so we could get to know each other in a different setting.  From the experimental perspective, I was curious: would we connect differently in a different setting?  B#9 and I had recently discussed whether the setting of our first date affected how much we connected.  So why not get a drink and see if a change of scenery brings a change of tone?

We went to a nearby bar and got a booth, and we did seem to connect better over drinks.  Maybe a drink helped both of us relax a bit, and we were a bit more playful in our debates.

**This is now where anyone (i.e. family members) who don't want to read about anything remotely sexual should stop reading.  Love you all.**

One round of drinks turned into two, and we got a bit cozy in the booth.  When he put his arm around me and kissed me, I kissed him back.  I was a bit surprised myself, but I also felt like, "Why not?"  I tend to be a rather serious person, and sometimes it's nice to let go a bit.

But his hands were wandering a bit more than I was comfortable with, and when I had pushed his hand away from a certain area twice he said, "You're only half fun."  I was taken aback at this and asked which half of me was not fun, and he said the half that was pushing his hand away.  Bam.  Any goodwill that we had accrued quickly evaporated.

I think I've mentioned that I'm working on boundaries, and I know that one of the reasons it's difficult for me to clearly express physical boundaries with guys is that I'm worried they won't like me if I say "No."  So when a guy essentially says that he likes me less because I was saying no (even just with body language) it was frustrating.  The good news is that I didn't give up my boundaries, I stood my ground and he didn't try again.  He apologized and said he didn't want me to feel pressured, but acknowledged that clearly I had felt pressured.  The bad news is that after the date, I didn't feel good about what had happened.  I was blaming myself, wondering what should I have done differently to prevent that from happening.  Should I have worn a different dress?  Not gotten two drinks with him?  Not gotten drinks at all?

I am still working on boundaries and communication, and I know I could have been clearer with B#12 about my boundaries (and clearer with myself).  But we'd also fallen into a trap that you might not think that two people who had spent the evening discussing philosophy and unusual moral codes would fall into: guy feels that he is entitled to access to girl's body, girl feels shame and guilt.  I don't intend to shame myself or B#12, but to point out that if even two very educated people who are very aware of and often eschew social norms can get caught up in these gender dynamics, it's a good thing for us to take a beat to think about.

I firmly believe:

Consent is sexy. 

Everyone should feel safe and heard, whether it's a first date or a tenth.  

I've heard from a few guys lately that it's difficult for guys to navigate modern masculinity, and I would suggest reading articles like Yes, You Can Be a Gentleman and Have Great Sex, or basically anything by Jordan Gray, or other articles at The Good Men Project.  And ladies, check them out too.  Both genders' struggles are entwined, and it would help for each to have a better understanding and empathy for the challenges of each gender.

B#12 texted me several days after our date to plan another date.  I told him that I didn't think we should see each other again because I think we're looking for different things and I felt that my boundaries weren't respected, but I appreciated what I'd learned from the date.  He was very apologetic, and I told him I appreciated it and hoped it could be an opportunity for learning and growth for him also.

It's unusual for me to be so upfront with someone about crossing boundaries, and I really appreciate that B#12 was apologetic instead of defensive.  This blog forces me to be more honest with the bachelors than I normally would be, but it's been really positive and encouraging.  I also appreciate that the blog allows me the space to (or requires that I) analyze each date and what I learn from them.  And I appreciate each of the bachelors for being part of the experiment and letting me write about them!

Who do you want to attract?

"Who do you want to attract? Someone more like yourself or someone who complements you?"

Don't tell other writers that I let the cat out of the bag, but procrastination is a big part of the writing process.  I wish I could tell you that it's always easy to sit down and write.  The truth is that sometimes when I need to write, instead I putter around my apartment, clean, stare out the window, check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and then Facebook again, i.e. anything other than write.  

This week has felt like a Master class in Procrastination, with the new Cold War Kids album as the soundtrack.

We started my friend Ariana's Matchmaker week several days ago.  I'd been meaning to write about it, but then I got sick, and I needed to write about Date #7, then I had other work to do, and I hadn't figured out how to write about it so I was avoiding it.  

There was nothing wrong with the start of Ariana's Matchmaker week, but it had neither the drama of writing the Romantic profile during my brother Greg's week (Week 5: Looking for Love...?) nor the raucous shenanigans the Confident profile of my friend Chelsea's week (Week 6: Tequila, Zombies, and Being High Maintenance).  

Ariana and I had talked about who we were trying to attract, but we didn't come up with any specific type.  I said maybe tattooed guys who ride motorcycles, since that's the opposite of the guys I've been dating, but there aren't a ton of those type of guys on OkCupid.  I just realized we used the word "badass" twice, so maybe that helps with that target demographic?  We did try to show my outdoorsy side, as well as my creative, healthy, and adventurous sides.  It was also good to catch up with Ariana, she's been living in Tennessee for a bit and I miss being able to chat with her over coffee or on a long walk.  The experiment has been a fun excuse to catch up with friends.  

But I hadn't found that Thing to write about.  Usually these Things politely appear during the writing of the profile, or even in the first few days of the Matchmaker week.  This one hid for the better part of a week, and then tapped me on the shoulder and punched me in the nose. 

 

I was chatting with a friend, funnily enough on OkCupid because he'd found the dating experiment profile.  We started talking about our respective OkCupid experiences, and we've both had trouble attracting people that we could actually be in relationships with.  I expressed some frustration that one of my goals of the experiment was to figure out how to attract the type of guys that I wanted to attract, but I'd at least been learning more about the types of guys that I'm compatible with so at least that should help.  And then he asked me two rather simple questions, ones which I thought I basically knew the answers to: "Who do you want to attract? Someone more like yourself or someone who complements you?"  And as I tried to articulate answers, I was confounded.  Stumped.  Baffled.  I got into a bit of a mood. I washed dishes, dyed my hair, and did anything I could think of to avoid these questions.  I feel like I've learned so much, I've been writing about the things I'm learning, and I realized recently that the experiment has been going on for three months!  So what have I learned about what kind of guy I'm looking for? 

Ok well let's start with some easy ones:

1) Monogamous: I hadn't thought that much about it before the experiment, but recent events have made me realize that monogamy really is something that I am looking for right now.  I don't believe that everyone has to be monogamous, but it seems to be the best thing for me at this point.  

2) Taller than me: Sorry guys, I tried dating guys my height or shorter but I clearly prefer dating guys who are taller than me.  I never say never, but call it a strong preference.  

While we're at it:

3) Mutual physical attraction: It may sound obvious, but I've realized it is very important to me.  

We've gotten through some more obvious ones, so let's dig in:

4) Not Too "Normal": I'd long felt that I shouldn't date "normal" guys, but in Week 3 my cousin Emily gave me a good functional definition of Too Normal, "they haven’t thought of breaking out of social constructs."  You don't have to be breaking all social norms, but you're aware of social norms and make conscious choices of which social constructs you abide by and which you eschew.  

5) Communicative: This was definitely something I valued before the experiment but it's become even more important.  My own communication skills have been improving, and I've been learning that it's better to have the awkward conversations than avoid them and hope/assume the other person is on the same page.  Bachelor #9 and Bachelor #13 have both helped me see this.  Also, I include listening skills under the Communicative umbrella, as speaking and listening are both important parts of communication.  

6) Easy-Going/Chill: I've noticed this with a few of the Bachelors, but I think I first became very aware of it on Date #3: A Classy Date with Bachelor #4.  I'm more at ease around guys who are at ease.  I like guys that can go with the flow, and enjoy the journey.  

7) Generally Positive Outlook: Bachelor #6 brought this one front and center for me (as a negative example, and several of the bachelors have been positive examples).  We all have complaints, concerns, or bad moods, but I need to be with someone who can at least look for silver linings instead of looking for more dark clouds.    

8) Grounded/Emotionally Mature: I'm still working on how to explain this one, but it's a quality that B#9 has and it sets him apart from every other guy I've been in a relationship with.  It's related to Easy-Going/Chill but on a different level.  The best way to explain it is that he's been there while I'm dealing with some tough stuff, and when I'm emotionally or physically bouncing off the walls (my Rubber Ball Heart, and when I'm nervous I'm a human pinball (not literally bouncing off walls)) he's calm, steady, supportive and patient.  He doesn't make it about him and go ricocheting in a different direction (which is what most guys I've dated would do).  But this also takes adjusting to.  I'm used to Guys Who Disappear and expect him to do the same, so it's nice but also sometimes a surprise when he acts differently. 

9) Kind: This was definitely not on my priority list when I was younger, but in the past few years I've realized it's important for me.  A guy used to really get my attention if he argued with me, and now I know that I don't want to be in a relationship full of arguments.  I like guys who have opinions and can articulate them, and I don't want to be with a guy who agrees with me just for the sake of agreeing with me.  But having different opinions doesn't mean you have to fight.  

I'm still trying to figure out whether I'm best with a guy who is more similar or complementary.  It seems that I'm looking for a guy who is similar to me in many ways, but there are some aspects where different/complementary seems to work better.  

Also, things I've learned about me:

1) Texting is my preferred mode of communication: a phone call now and then is good (and any important conversations should happen face to face), but overall texting is what I prefer for checking in or conveying information.  However, texting does have some problems.  Sometimes it can be tough to read someone's tone in a text, especially if I don't know them well.  Also, if someone takes 6+ hours to reply to a text it freaks me out.  See: Guys Who Disappear.  

2) A lot changes for me in a week: B#9 and I have been seeing each other once a week, and it's made me realize how much changes for me in a week.  I'm a freelancer, so the types of jobs I have from week to week can vary widely.  My hair color currently is changing several times per week (bright red, dark blue, blonde, and lavender, just in the past week or two).  Luckily I'm not the type of person whose life plan changes on a weekly basis, but there's always a lot to catch up on.  I used to think that I should be with someone whose life changed just as quickly, because they could understand and keep up.  But I've started to wonder if it's actually better to be with someone whose life is a bit more stable, because if both people's lives are changing quickly it might be hard to have a stable relationship.  Definitely something to think about and hopefully test out.  

3) I have a hard time talking about my feelings: I'm an artist, I'm a writer, I'm writing a blog about all of this, you'd think it'd be easy-peasy for me to talk about my feelings in real life.  It's not.  A few years ago a friend told me that when I talk about feelings it's like I'm going underwater, I take a deep breath and hold my breath during the conversation.  A few friends teased me lately about using funny voices when I am talking about/mocking what I'm feeling.  But I'm working on it.  I often quickly dismiss my own feelings as "crazy" and I'm trying to stop using that word entirely.  And the blog has actually been good for me because it forces me to be more honest with the bachelors (and more honest with myself).  

4) My brain is rather monogamous: I'm really not used to dating more than one guy at a time, much less continuing to seek out more guys to date.  Currently I'm seeing B#9 once a week, I have a second date planned with B#13 and a first date planned with B#12.  Luckily it doesn't feel like I'm cheating on anyone, but it's been taking extra prompting to get myself to log onto OkCupid.  I'm not used to having much of a dating life to juggle, but it's definitely not a bad problem to have! 

5) I'm not the most patient person: If it weren't for the experiment, I would have de-activated my OkCupid account a while ago.  Some because of that feeling of "Oh right, I should reply to that message" (Ariana wanted me to reply to messages this week, some weeks the Matchmaker has responded to messages, I think it's interesting to see the different results.)  But I think it's good that the experiment forces me to be more patient (and/or persistent).  

I really have been learning so much, and at times it's been surprisingly exhausting to be having epiphanies every other day and breakdowns to breakthroughs, and figure out how to write about it in a way that all the bachelors and my whole extended family can read.  But I love a good challenge, which is why I continually create them for myself.  So thanks for reading :)

Also, I've been meaning to write about this: 

Metro, a daily newspaper in NYC, Philadelphia, and Boston, did a story about the experiment and blog, and you can read the article here.  It also appeared in print in all 3 cities, which is pretty cool!  I had fun talking to Lakshmi Gandhi about the experiment, and after three months of writing about other people, it was interesting to read someone else's writing about me!  

Date #6: A (Whoa) Romantic Date with Bachelor #9

Well, Bachelor #9 officially raised the bar.

You may remember from Why Guys Send Bad Messages, and a Key to Dating that I was very ("Whoa") impressed with B#9's profile, but was not very impressed with his pre-date communication (after I posted that entry my brother mentioned pre-date communication is a very tough balance and I get that).

To be really honest: I'd had a crazy busy week, was very tired, and had kind of hoped B#9 would bail so I could have a date with my couch.

But I'm really glad he didn't bail on the date, because it was one of the best dates I've ever been on.

He'd suggested a sunset picnic in the park (apparently not because of what I'd written in my profile) and it was definitely a good plan.  Guys, sometimes it's the little things that impress girls: he said he'd bring a bottle of wine, and I'm used to bonehead guys who would literally just bring a bottle of wine.  So I brought a wine opener, jars to drink out of, and a blanket to sit on.  But B#9 is not one of those bonehead guys: he'd also brought a wine opener, cups to drink out of, and a blanket to sit on.  Whoa.  Planning, thoughtfulness, effort: major points in my book.

We went to the park and had a picnic on the grass as the sun was setting.  We started talking, small talk at first and then about the experiment.  He'd read a lot of the blog and explained why he hadn't contacted me earlier in the week about our date (he's a planner and wanted to have all the details before he contacted me, which I understand).  It's funny, the experiment and blog can be an ice-breaker on dates.  Anyone who reads the blog has a window into my brain, my likes and dislikes.  It's also really nice to hear when a guy likes the blog, because a) I want everyone to be willing participants in the experiment, b) it shows he took time to find out about me and what I do, and c) like most creative people, I like hearing that someone likes my work (especially if it's a guy I might want to impress!).

He had some concerns about the Bachelors being numbered, and he wasn't sure he wanted to be called Bachelor #9.  I explained my logic behind it: the other option for anonymity was making up nicknames and since I write about the guys before I meet them I'd be making up nicknames just based off their profiles.  This seemed like it could be even more problematic and reductive: for example, in my brother's week if I'd nicknamed B#9 Whoa, B#10 The Italian, and B#11 Happy All The Time.  Isn't naming someone Happy All The Time setting a high expectation (even if it's something he wrote in his profile)?  B#10 is Italian, but would he want to be called The Italian?  Even Whoa, which I mean as very complimentary, is he a horse?  (Whoa, Nellie.)  At least with numbers, everyone is on a level playing field.  Also, it gives readers some context of order: e.g. Bachelor #2 was before Bachelor #8, regardless of whether they've been reading the whole blog.  I offered that he could have a nickname if he preferred, but after discussing it he was alright with being Bachelor #9.

Also interesting: B#9 was a match from my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, which had a romantic/vulnerable profile.  But he also saw the profile for the current week (Chelsea's Matchmaker week), which is a more aggressive "prove to me that you're awesome" profile.  B#9 said that he wouldn't have sent a message to the more aggressive profile, because that's not the attitude he's looking for in a partner.  Definitely interesting data in the Marketing of Dating discussion, and we talked about Chelsea and Greg and their different attitudes toward online dating.  It was cool that he enjoyed the intellectual side of the experiment, and talking about the information I'm gathering.

We also talked about his open relationship, which was a surprisingly not weird conversation on a date.  He was happy to answer any questions about it, and he told me a bit about their relationship and his relationship history before that.  He's also conscious about how he talks about his partner on dates, and wants to be mentally with the person he's on a date with and not make them feel uncomfortable.

Basically, we started talking about everything.  

My own first date rules, out the window.  And it was awesome.  Whoa.

As we took a walk around the lake, I commented to him that it was interesting that I can talk to some people so easily and with other people I can't get a conversation going.  He was glad I found it easy to talk to him and felt the same, and wondered out loud:

"What makes this different?"  

Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out an answer to that.  Why do some people connect and others don't?  We're both from Southern California, but he grew up in a conservative religious household and I grew up in a liberal mixed religion/agnostic household.  He's 3 years younger than me, and I've never dated a guy that much younger than me (though I have been involved with guys 10 years older than me).  But he's very emotionally mature (way more mature than the older guys I've dated).  We've both traveled internationally, but not to the same places.

I think one reason we're compatible is that it's important to both of us to be open, communicative and non-judgmental.  It's really nice to feel like we can just be ourselves around each other.  And we can make each other laugh a lot, which is important!

After our walk around the lake we took the blanket and the rest of the bottle of wine to a bench near the lake, with a nice view of Downtown LA.  In case that doesn't sound romantic, it looks like this (photo credit: dyoweeboi via Echo Park Forums - I just took mental photos), aka very picturesque and romantic.  And we continued to talk about everything.

And speaking of romantic...this date included the first kiss of the whole experiment!  Much of my extended family reads this blog, so all I will say is that I was quite glad that B#9 kissed me. :)  At the end of the date that he asked about seeing me again, and we made plans for another date.  It is nice when a guy expresses on a date that he would like to see you again, it takes some of the guess work out of it!

Only after the date did I realize that we had spent about 6 hours together.  I repeat: it was a 6 hour first date that didn't feel long.  For me, a good date is when I don't dislike the guy by the end of the date.  A bad date is when I can't stand to hear another word out of his mouth.  A great date is when I really look forward to seeing him again.  Spending six hours together and feeling like I've known him for years?  That's a whole other category.  I was very, very happy.

But the next day it felt like I had an emotional hangover.  I'd had a really great date, with someone else's boyfriend.  Yeah she knew about it and was fine with it, but was I?  I'd expected the date to be like most of the others: a fun few hours, meeting someone new, and clearly seeing why we weren't compatible.  But this was different.  That had seemed like such a good thing during the date, but now it felt awful.  Great, I'd met a really cool guy that I'm really compatible with, except what we're looking for.  And that's a pretty important thing to be on the same page about.  

My usual reaction to this would be to cut and run.  I know it isn't going to work in the long-run, so what's the point in seeing him again?  I tend to see things in extremes, all or nothing.  Luckily this week's Matchmaker, Chelsea, is Polyamorous ("having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved") and has been my Poly Consult when I'm wondering, "How do people do this??"  She sees Polyamory as an orientation more than a lifestyle, and I've often admired the time and energy she puts into her relationships.  It's been so long since I've been in a committed relationship that just one relationship seems daunting, much less multiple romantic relationships at one time.

After the last blog post, a friend recommended I read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.  I happened to be in a bookstore so I picked up a copy and skimmed it.  Although I think there's probably a lot of helpful insights in it, I found it problematic to assume that all men act the same way and all women act the same way.  Largely because there were many of the Martian (male) ways of acting that I related to, in addition to the Venusian (female) ways of acting.  Most notably, the Men Are Like Rubber Bands theory: men have an intimacy cycle that functions like a rubber band, they pull away from their partners to re-establish independence and then spring back.  Well, sometimes I feel like a rubber ball: the more I'm pulled toward someone at high velocity, the more I'm also propelled away at high velocity.  But it's something I'm working on.  There are also articles like Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth that might be more helpful for me right now than gender difference theories.

I know communication is key, and B#9 and I have already talked about most of this.  On our second date in fact, because what better way to start a second date than a discussion about boundaries?  (At least we had wine with that conversation.)  Remember I said he's really emotionally mature?  He didn't get weird, we had a good discussion about it and he thanked me for bringing it up.  Whoa.  

Until last year or so, I avoided any discussion about boundaries, expectations, or "What Does This Mean" like the plague.  I'm the Chill Girl, who needs labels?  Just the word "relationship" still makes my stomach hurt sometimes.  So as much as I may at times freak out about B#9's open relationship, if he was not in an open relationship would I be cool, calm and collected?  I think not.  There's a mindfulness saying about Life Is A Teacher, and life is giving me a crash course on attachment, relationships, and communication.  I'm just trying not to flunk.

So B#9 and I have planned date #3, which will be the first 3rd date of the experiment and the first 3rd date I've been on in over a year.  Whoa.  Rubber ball of my heart, be still.

Week 6: Tequila, Zombies, and Being High Maintenance

*This entry is rated PG-13 for some NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) language*

Matchmaker Week 6 started out with margaritas, a lot of honesty and laughter.  My friend Chelsea is the Matchmaker for this week, and she is like a sister to me.  We grew up together and one of the things I love about Chelsea is that she tells it like it is.  She calls me on my bullshit, and I know it's out of love.  I appreciate that my friends keep me honest with myself!

As we started talking about the experiment, we got to one of the things I hadn't been talking about at all in the blog, an elephant in the room: Attraction.

Physical attraction is a really important part of dating for me, so it may seem unusual that I wasn't talking about it.  The truth is that I haven't been attracted to most of the Bachelors, and I felt bad writing about not being attracted to them when I knew they could read the blog.  And there were always enough other aspects of compatibility that I could discuss so it seemed unnecessary to write, "He was really nice but I wasn't physically attracted to him so I would never date him."  I am, in the blog and life in general, trying not to be an asshole.  I don't need to date a male model (in fact, sometimes I find really attractive guys intimidating) but I want to date a guy that I like looking at and want to swap saliva with.  Is that too much for a girl to ask?  (No, it's not.)  So Chelsea wanted to figure out what I am attracted to and how we can convey that in a profile.

I realized that Chelsea had a very different outlook on OkCupid, and thus what a profile should be like, than last week's Matchmaker, my brother Greg.  Whereas Greg wanted to emphasize romance, vulnerability, and include as much detail as possible, Chelsea feels that it's better to keep a dating profile short and sassy.  We took out a lot of the details and added some sass, like "My friend Chelsea is the Matchmaker this week, so impress us both."  This is usually not at all what my dating profiles are like, and that's a really interesting part of the experiment!  My profile usually isn't as romantic/vulnerable as what Greg and I wrote either, and it's interesting to see who responds to different profiles and how they respond.

And it touches on another purpose of the experiment: looking at my usual approach to dating and why it doesn't yield the results I want.  In this case, it's that I tend to be the Chill Girl: I go with the flow, try to be as low-maintenance and easy-going as possible.  This means that a) I have a lot of great guy friends, and b) I get Friend Zoned a lot.  Some guys like the Chill Girl (one ex thought it was hot that I own my own drill), but a lot of guys don't want to date a girl who is one of the guys.  I love my guy friends, and believe that it's really great for guys and girls to have platonic friendships because it helps to see the other gender's perspective.  But I also at times have gotten sick of hearing from guys I'm interested in, "You're a cool girl, but..."

Part of Chelsea's dating philosophy is that if you really clearly express what you want/need, it's easier for someone else to fulfill that want/need.  I think there's a lot of validity in that, but where is the line between being clear about your wants/needs, and being demanding or (the dreaded) high-maintenance?

I've started reading different dating blogs lately, and I read an article called Why You Need to Start Being More High Maintenance on a blog called Matching Up, written by two Beverly Hills Matchmakers (not my standard reading material, and thus fascinating).  This article was saying that as women who are taught to be fit, beautiful, with great careers and exciting lives, "we are taught to be high maintenance with our lives," but being high-maintenance in relationships is vilified.  She goes on to say that it's important to have standards, be clear about expectations, and "If you are low maintenance, you will be treated as such." oof. But I see what she means. If I act like one of the guys, I'm likely to be treated as one of the guys. And she says that guys take cues from how a girl treats herself, and how she allows others to treat her. Part of having standards is feeling like you have a lot to offer someone and it's worth their time and effort to treat you well.

I'm not hoping that anyone calls me "High Maintenance" any time soon, but I do see that my Chill Girl ways often meant that my relationships were always on the guy's terms.  It's good for me to be more empowered in my relationships, to feel that I have a say in what my relationships look like and how I am treated (aka Boundaries).  I've found a key distinction between Boundaries and Being Guarded is communication, being clear with yourself and others about where your boundaries are.  Maybe that's a difference between Having Standards and Being High Maintenance: being able to communicate your expectations in a calm, clear way vs. expecting someone to read your mind or throwing a fit if someone doesn't meet your expectations.  Definitely food for thought.

Another way that Chelsea's Matchmaker week has pushed my comfort zone: she wanted new photos.  Specifically ones that show me smiling with teeth (I hadn't realized that all of my photos had closed-mouth smiles) and that show off my body a bit more.  Don't worry, Mom, nothing scandalous- but the photos on the profile were all pretty conservative.  And with the previously discussed Marketing of Online Dating: if you've got it, flaunt it (tastefully).

As often happens when I push my comfort zone, some weird/gross narratives pop up like zombies from shallow graves.  In this case, narratives like: "You can be hot OR smart, not both," or "If you show off your body, people won't respect you."  Which when it boils down to it, is the same as "She was asking for it," or the recent banning of yoga pants in schools because they are "too distracting."  The message is that women are responsible for however other people respond to their bodies and clothing.  If a guy says or does something that you don't like it was really your fault, he couldn't help himself.  This narrative is harmful to men and women.  It makes a woman's sexuality scary and dangerous, where women can't take agency or enjoyment from their own bodies, and men are "helpless" and have no control over their actions.  No one wins.  I don't consciously ascribe to these beliefs, and it's frustrating sometimes to find them buried in my subconscious.

But it's also not entirely surprising, because these narratives are embedded in our culture and my own life.  I remember being 12 years old and feeling like I had to pick between being a "pretty girl" or a "smart girl."  I was a bookish, slightly chubby brunette in a beach town where the standard of beauty was blonde and thin.  So I chose "smart girl," and when that baby fat turned into curves I generally tried to hide my body so no one would "think less of me."  For many years it was hard for me to understand that anyone even could be physically attracted to me.  And though I've made progress on my body issues, I'm definitely still working on it.  In order to take the pictures Chelsea was asking for, I felt I needed some liquid courage (tequila).  But I did take them, and I'm actually rather proud of them.  To push myself toward being pretty, feminine, playful, and even dare I say sexy, is definitely good growth for me.  And I definitely appreciate Chelsea for giving me a loving shove in that direction.

I'm also optimistic that as a society we are becoming more aware of the messages we're sending to young women and men about sex, bodies, and responsibility.  An article titled "Instead of Banning Yoga Pants, Schools Should Crack Down on Harassment" includes examples of female students posting signs around their schools protesting the dress codes.  My middle school banned spaghetti strap tank tops and I never thought of fighting it, much less with a sign that includes the statement, "I'm a fifteen year old girl.  If you are sexualizing me, YOU are the problem."  Fuck yeah, girl.  And articles like Yes, You Can Be a Gentleman and Have Great Sex (and the Good Men Project in general) show that men are also ready for these attitudes to change.  I encourage everyone to be conscious of the way we talk about people's bodies and sexuality, both other people's and your own.
And when those gross zombie narratives come up, don't be afraid to go all Shaun of the Dead.

Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date

I was a bit nervous about writing this, because…I had a bad date.

I try to keep this blog pretty positive but there isn't a good way to sugar coat this, unless I just wrote, “We saw Guardians of the Galaxy and I enjoyed the movie.  The End.”  But that won’t do. 

So here we go.

Bachelor #6 was one of my cousin Emily’s picks in Week 3.  After I let him know he was part of the experiment, he sent me an email saying he was done with electronic communication and wanted to meet me.  At the end of the email in parentheses was his phone number and “Calling me is very cool.”  I’m not a big fan of calling people I don’t know, but part of my goal with this experiment is to push my comfort zone.  So I called him and left a voicemail, then he called me and left a voicemail.  We played phone tag for a few days (also texting back and forth trying to set a time to talk).  When we finally did talk, he let me know that he was going out of town for a few days and didn't know his work schedule for the next week.  He suggested coffee or drinks and I suggested seeing the movie Guardians of the Galaxy, because I hadn't seen it yet and had heard it was really good.  He said that sounded good, and he would let me know when he knew his work schedule.

More than a week went by, and I figured that he was blowing me off.  I mentally started writing a blog post about how both Bachelors that week had flaked. 

When he texted me (nine days after we’d talked on the phone) with a few days that week that would work for him, I was rather surprised.  

It was a good reminder that: 

a) I’m not a very patient person and/or 

b) my life moves at a rapid pace, and 

c) I need to be with someone who shares or at least understands that pace 

(which did not seem to be the case with Bachelor #6) 

I know that easy-going guys can be good for me, but there’s a difference between easy-going and “Where’d you go?”

But I put aside my doubts, we picked a day and a theater, and he said he would see if he could get free tickets from work.  A few days later he texted me to say that he couldn't get free tickets to that theater but had tickets to another theater nearby, could we meet there?  This struck me as a bit odd, but I said sure.  

A week and a half after our initial conversation and the day before our date, we set a time to meet.  He suggested getting a beer at a nearby deli before the movie. Again, it seemed odd to me to get a drink at a deli but I was trying to go with the flow so I agreed. 

The next evening, half an hour before we’re scheduled to meet, I get a text from B#6.  He says that the deli we were supposed to meet at is closed, so he’s going to a bar nearby.  I’d gotten caught up in work and was running 10 minutes late, and he’s already there 30 minutes early.  Oof.  Definitely a mismatch.  

When I got there he was sitting outside and we went into the bar to get a drink for me (he already had one) but then gave up and went back outside to wait for a server.  After a while I went back into the bar on my own to get a drink.  When I returned with a beverage, we talked for a bit and got to know each other.  I mentioned that I do standup comedy nearby, and he said, "Are you funny?" and told me about his roommate who tried standup and bombed.  When I told him that I lived in rural Montana for a bit he said, "Isn't all of Montana rural?"  I told him no, there are cities in Montana, and he replied, "Are you sure?  Or did people just tell you there are?"  At this point it was very clear to me that we don't have compatible senses of humor, because I think he was trying to make a joke but it came across as very rude to me. 

He complained about where he lives and where he works, but said he's hoping his current job will lead to better opportunities.  When we talked about where I live he said that he’s never been to my neighborhood or the surrounding neighborhoods (young, hip(ster) parts of LA) and doesn't even know where they are exactly.  This surprised me, because most 20-somethings in LA at least know those neighborhoods a bit.  I asked how long he’s been in LA and he said a year and a half; he moved out here for the opportunities in music and then adds, “and also to get away from an awful relationship.”  

This date helped me come up with a list of what I consider some General Rules for First Dates:

1. Don’t talk about Exes (there can be exceptions, but if at all possible, just don’t). 
2. Don’t talk about religion or politics (current events conversations are ok, but definitely avoid rants).
3. Generally, avoid rants.
4. Don’t talk about money (especially not about how much you do or don’t make).
5. Don’t Be Greedy and Don’t Be Cheap: Don’t order the most expensive thing off the menu, and don’t seem like you’re unwilling to spend money on a date.  I usually offer to split the bill with a guy or buy my own drink, but I do see it as gentlemanly if a guy does pay. 
6. Try to be nice, pleasant, and easy-going: try to put your best foot forward on a date.  You don’t have to pretend that everything is sunshine and roses, but don’t be the voice of Gloom & Doom.

Because on this date, Bachelor #6 broke all of the General Rules for First Dates:

1. He talked about two different ex-girlfriends, or one ex-girlfriend twice, I didn’t clarify.
2. We talked a bit about religion but it was rather innocuous, the politics part was actually more off-putting.  When talking about the Venice boardwalk, he said that he isn’t a fan of Capitalism (I’m not either, really) and that he likes walking around with all the weirdoes in Venice because he’s actually one of them but he “can hide it better.”  Eep.
3. The rant…I’ll write a separate paragraph about the rant.
4. Multiple references to being broke (I don’t have a lot of money either, but I don’t need to talk about it much).
5. He referenced the free movie tickets before the date and during the date (he actually had to pay $4 total at the box office, and he did cover that). 
6. He complained about where he lived, where he worked, and lots of other things.  He generally seemed rather negative.

I was relieved when it was time to head to the theater.  We watched the movie, and I thought it was a really fun movie.  It was definitely the best part of the date.  

As we were walking out of the movie theater, I was treated to a diatribe:

He started talking about a tv show he was watching lately, maybe Californication, that was talking about how movies are dying.  He realized that they were right, he barely goes to the movies anymore and usually just watches shows.  (Just as a reminder, I am a filmmaker, as in movies are my business and my passion.)  So as he is droning about the death of my industry, I’m wondering why anyone would talk about such a thing on a date, much less a classical musician.  I'm forcing a smile and trying to get through the end of this date.  When I tune back in he’s talking about how long Wagner’s works were and he wonders if we’re moving in the direction of seeing longer works like that in theaters.  It takes every ounce of my self-control to keep my eyes from rolling. 

As we part ways, he said that maybe he’ll call me or maybe I’ll call him. 

Spoiler alert: I did not call him.

(And luckily he didn't call me either.)

It is interesting though to think about General Rules for First Dates.  I sometimes get anxious and feel like I don’t know how to date, but clearly I have certain ideas about how one is supposed to behave on a first date.  Other people might have different rules, does anyone want to suggest other General Rules for First Dates?  Or think my rules are unfair?  When I write them out, it seems like a lot of topics not to talk about.  But those are generally the rules I adhere to for polite conversation with strangers, which is really what a first date is: spending some time with a stranger to figure out if you'd like to get to know each other better.  

Bachelor #6 would likely have different First Date Rules, but this date made it abundantly clear that we're incompatible in many ways!  I don't know if it was the worst date I've ever been on, but it's in the Top 5.  At least the movie was good!