Out of the Wild - Part 1

I’m about to turn 30 years old, and I’ve been thinking a lot about Chris McCandless. 

The story of Chris McCandless and Into the Wild (the book and the film) have woven through my life for many years. 

In 1990, Chris graduated from Emory University.  He was born in California and raised in Virginia.  After graduating, Chris gave his savings to charity and started backpacking and hitchhiking around the US.  In April 1992 he hitchhiked to Alaska and backpacked into the Alaskan bush to try to live off the land.  In August 1992 he starved to death in the Magic Bus he was living in (toxic plants he ate may have contributed to his death).  He was 24 years old.

In 1996, Jon Krakauer wrote Into the Wild about Chris’s journey, and it became a national bestseller.  In 2007 the film Into the Wild was released, written and directed by Sean Penn, starring Emile Hirsch. 

In 2007, I took a year off from college and spent six months backpacking around Europe solo, sometimes staying with and traveling with friends.  I saw the film Into the Wild for the first time around 2008, and Chris McCandless reminded me a bit of myself, but more of my high school boyfriend.  I’d caught his attention because I’d read Jack Kerouac, he caught my attention because he was reading Sartre for fun.  He was an outdoorsman and (along with the tumult of young love) tapped into my sense of adventure.  We traveled to Alaska together one year for spring break, stayed in a hostel, slept in a park one night, and Alaska is still the only place I’ve hitchhiked.  We were long broken up by 2008, but I pined for years.  Seeing a character that reminded me of him dying alone in a bus in the Alaskan bush made me cry buckets.  

The second time I saw the film was in 2010, a lot had changed in just a few years.  I went to film school and graduated, and was in the midst of what I now call my Vagabond Years as I bounced around the country and worked on farms.  My ex was married and having kids.  I watched the movie on a laptop in the yurt I lived in, in a field with two llamas, part of an Intentional Community at an abandoned lumber mill that was often described as post-apocalyptic.  I realized that now I was the Chris McCandless of this story, and that was exciting and terrifying.  I had sought adventure and found it, but Chris’s story was a cautionary tale for me.  Dying alone in a bus in Alaska was not on my To Do list.  I did date two different guys who lived in busses (different busses, in different states!) around that time, but that’s a story for another time. 

In 2011 I was living in rural Montana as part of AmeriCorps, building a garden at a middle school in a town of 500 people.  I picked up a copy of Krakauer’s Into the Wild and read it as I meandered back to California, stopping in Yellowstone, camping an Intentional Community, and Couchsurfing.  I was 25, and in Part 2 of a 2-Part Quarter-Life Crisis.  While in Montana I realized that I needed to move back to LA and really give my career as a filmmaker a shot.  I’d been vagabonding around the country for three years following graduation, and it was bittersweet to know that chapter was coming to an end. 

As I read Into the Wild it stood out to me that as McCandless is dying in the bus, after working so hard to escape society, he realizes that connection with other people is what matters in life.  In a copy of Doctor Zhivago found with him in the bus he had written, “HAPPINESS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED.”  I vowed to not be as stubborn as Chris McCandless, for it to not take starving in a bus in Alaska to teach me that connection with other people helps bring meaning to our lives.  For three years my challenge had been to push out of my comfort zone, to see how minimal my life could be.  My new challenge was to learn to stay in one place and let people into my life, to share my adventures. 

(Continued in Part 2) 

Out of the Wild - Part 2

(Continued from Part 1) 

In 2012 I moved into my own apartment in Los Angeles.  After subletting and staying in other people’s homes for years, I finally had a space I could make a home.  I got the keys to apartment 206 on my 26^th birthday, and it felt like I was in the right place at the right time.  It took a while for me to really unpack my things, and I still kept my camping gear in my car for a while.  Whenever I saw coyotes on my street it felt comforting, like I wasn’t the only wild animal in the city. 

Next week I'll turn 30 and will have lived in the same apartment for four years, the longest I’ve lived anywhere since I was in elementary school.  I made a list of 30 things I wanted to do before I turned 30 and a few weeks ago I crossed off “Visit the Salton Sea/Salvation Mountain/Slab City.”  The Salton Sea is a man-made lake south-east of Los Angeles (near Coachella), Salvation Mountain is a surreal monument to Universal Love and Jesus made by a man named Leonard Knight.  Slab City is a makeshift community of snowbirds, hippies and squatters nicknamed “The Last Free Place.”  Salvation Mountain and Slab City are featured in the film Into the Wild, Chris really spent time there and met Leonard Knight.

I’d been trying to get to Slab City for years and thought I would really like it there, perhaps even feel at home.  I didn’t realize how strange it might seem that I expected to feel at home in a post-apocalyptic wasteland until I was there with a friend who well…didn’t know about that part of my life.  Slab City is like Burning Man (yes, I’ve been) all year round, except no one was friendly.  And I expected to feel at home there…?  We explored a sculpture garden in East Jesus (an artist community within Slab City) and dug the art, but after that we were pretty glad to leave.  We drove to Joshua Tree and thankfully found a spot to camp.

I tried to explain to my friend why I expected to feel a connection to Slab City, the Chris McCandless story and my post-apocalyptic past, but was struggling to understand all of it myself.  I had grown, I had changed.  I stayed in one place for four years, I’ve lived in a city for four years.  I am no longer that wild animal, I’ve been domesticated.  I’d often joked about my domestication, but now it was staring me in the face and I wasn’t laughing.  I love my apartment, I'm glad I've been able to stay in one place, but it’s strange to be able to see a chapter closing in your life.  I felt it at 25 in Montana, as I knew my Vagabond Years were coming to a close.  But now, turning 30 felt like turning a corner and I felt a bit afraid that I don’t know what is around that corner. 

When I got home I got out my copy of Into the Wild and was surprised the things that jumped out at me.  How many people cared about Chris, wanted to help him with money/gear/transportation/emotional support, how strongly he rejected all of it and how much that hurt the people who wanted to help.  The fact that I’m sort of sad I never hopped freight trains like Chris did (and Kerouac, and many others) but also that I’m probably very glad I never did.  And that after two months in the wild, Chris had decided to return to society but was unable to cross the Teklanika River and went back to the Magic Bus.  I realized that if Chris had been about to walk out of the wild at 24, at 29 he might have felt a lot of the same things I’m feeling now. 

I've sometimes worried that the adventures of my 20's made me less date-able.  Guys often say they want someone to go on adventures with, but they aren't necessarily excited about a woman who has had a many adventures of her own.  There's a long history of men vagabonding/adventuring to find themselves, far fewer stories of women doing the same (which is part of why I loved the movie Wild, about Cheryl Strayed's trek on the Pacific Crest Trail).  But especially as I'm getting into my 30's, I'm trying to own my stories.  If someone is going to take issue with adventures from my past, they're probably not someone I want in my future.  

During my Vagabond Years when I needed strength I would say to myself, I’m ten feet tall and made of steel, and would repeat it until I found the strength/calm/nerve I needed.  In 2010 I took a solo road trip around the Southern US, starting in Austin, TX where I was living at the time.  I was 24, my life had just imploded, and I was trying to figure out what direction to go in.  I spent a lot of that trip crying, driving through the tears, and chanting to myself: I’m ten feet tall and made of steel, I’m ten feet tall and made of steel. Some say that young people feel invincible, I don’t think I innately felt invincible but was trying to convince myself that I was.  Walking toward 30, I am no longer trying to be ten feet tall and made of steel.  I am human, imperfect, vulnerable, and wonderfully so. 

Too Busy To Date?

As I'm writing this it's already after midnight, technically very early Monday morning.  In approximately fourteen hours I will likely be a human stress knot because that's when we launch crowdfunding for my film, The Average Girl's Guide to Suicide.  I started writing the script in 2009 and this is the first time we're presenting it to the public.  It is REALLY exciting and terrifying.  I think it's like sending your kid off to school for the first time, or maybe like finding out you're pregnant?  I remember getting a pregnancy announcement in the mail from a friend and briefly feeling like, "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??" and then realizing that this film is my first child and requires time, money, energy, commitment, and tender loving care just like a baby.  And luckily I have a group of people who are helping to bring this film to life.

EDIT: We successfully launched our crowdfunding campaign!  Check it out: www.seedandspark.com/studio/average-girls-guide-suicide

Perhaps like a worried parent, I stay up late working most nights and wake hours before my alarm thinking about things I need to do and writing emails in my head.  I'm working on mindfulness and meditation.  I'm also working on eating before I'm so famished my brain stops functioning (there's just so much to do).  I'm not complaining, this the life that I've chosen and honestly this is living the dream.  I'm pouring my heart and soul into a project that is incredibly dear to me, and I get to work with people I adore.  But it's also incredibly intense, all-consuming, and most days I'm just trying to survive.

So it doesn't leave much time or energy for dating.

Is being "too busy to date" legitimate or just an excuse?  I miss being in a relationship, but first dates require a whole different level of energy.  I don't necessarily feel like I have my best foot forward when I'm in survival mode.

I actually went on my first date since November recently.  I'd been using the dating app Hinge for months and would match with guys but none ever sent me a message.  When a guy finally did send me a message, a few weeks ago, I was quite surprised!  He asked me out for a drink, and I figured "Why not?"  But as I headed to the date, having not eaten dinner (I'd had a late lunch) and rather preoccupied by work, I wasn't feeling like I was in the right mindset for a date.  It was also my first non-Post-Modern-Matchmaker date in a while (so I won't write about it in detail, and he doesn't get a Bachelor number) and it was interesting to remember what it's like to go on a date with a guy who hasn't read the blog.  I realized that the blog sometimes could add pressure to a first date (for me to live up to expectations set by the blog, or for a guy to meet expectations he perceived in the blog) but it also is sort of a window into my brain and that can be helpful to both parties.

During the date I asked if he'd read the article on Order Muppets and Chaos Muppets.  He hadn't, and I explained that the idea is that people are like Order Muppets (like Kermit the Frog) or Chaos Muppets (like Animal or Gonzo).  He immediately said that he was a Chaos Muppet, then said he was a bit of both but probably mostly a Chaos Muppet.  He'd already told me that he had no filter and is an adrenaline junkie, although he's also an engineer, so that seemed like a fair evaluation.  I'm definitely a Chaos and Order mix.  After college I had a few Chaos Muppet years where I bounced around the country (I usually call them The Vagabond Years).  When I moved back to LA I had a few Order Muppet years as a Personal Assistant, Executive Assistant, and sometimes Assistant Director (the Order Muppet of a film set).  And now I'm trying to find a balance.  I like having routine, but I need some flexibility in my routine.

An interesting part of the Order Muppet/Chaos Muppet theory is that apparently opposites attract, usually couples are one Order Muppet and one Chaos Muppet.  I can see that I've dated both Chaos Muppets and Order Muppets, and each bring out the opposite in me.  I've mostly dated Chaos Muppets (e.g. guys who lived in buses) so I usually end up being the Order Muppet in the relationship.  Bachelor #9 is definitely an Order Muppet, and it felt sort of weird to be the Chaos Muppet in a relationship.  And maybe because he was SUCH an Order Muppet, I felt like SUCH a Chaos Muppet.  It seems like lately I've been drawn to Chaos Muppets again, but that seems like a bad idea.  Remember what my daily life is like?  And months ago when I realized that I want to date guys who are kind and nurturing?  I don't think those are usually Chaos Muppets.  I don't need anyone who brings more chaos into my life.  I'm dangerously close to getting involved with a particular Total Chaos Muppet I know, but my brain keeps saying, "Oh no, that will.not.end.well."  So the Order Muppet side is telling the Chaos Muppet side to be quiet, try to behave.

In related news, Bachelor #9 seems to be Nick Miller Awkward Moon Walking out of my life, which is less endearing in reality and also oddly sort of what I expect from an Order Muppet vs. Chaos Muppet situation like this.  (Side note: Nick Miller & Jessica Day are an excellent example of a Chaos Muppet/Order Muppet relationship.  Nick Miller is such a Chaos Muppet!  And Jess was the Chaos Muppet in other relationships, but had to be an Order Muppet in their relationship.  /NewGirlRant)  There also is a possibility that since I expect an Order Muppet to Awkward Moon Walk out of my life, that I might interpret a little shuffling as Awkward Moon Walking out of my life.  Because in some ways it's easier to say he is Just Like All The Rest and I Never Should Have Even Tried, but I'm trying not to put all the Sins of Past Exes onto current events.

On the OkCupid front, I did delete some messages from my inbox to make room for new messages...and immediately remembered why I'd let it fill up.  However, there was a message from a guy who seemed cute and interesting, so we traded a few messages.  I was getting tired of messaging on OkCupid so I not-so-subtly hinted that he should ask me out on a date.  I gave him my email address and said if he wanted to meet up sometime he should email me, and that I'm busy with crowdfunding but can make time for a drink.  He emailed me, but still has not asked me out.  I've found that being really busy makes me less patient, and in this case I'm just over it.  I'm not looking for a pen pal, Sorry/Not Sorry.  So the OkCupid inbox is now full again, and staying that way for a bit.

Anyways, it's getting quite late and I need to be a functional human being tomorrow.  So lastly, Chaos Muppet would like to share a horoscope with you.  I see astrology as food for thought, not gospel, and Rob Brezsny's Freewill Astrology is one of the few I read.  I think his writing is thought-provoking and I like that it's very positive.  I am a Gemini, and this week's horoscope was so spot on for me that I laughed out loud.  It's advice on how to love a Gemini so it seems appropriate to include here.  Take as seriously or humorously as you like, and apply to Geminis and non-Geminis as you feel fitting.

"The anonymous blogger at Neurolove.me gives advice on how to love a Gemini: 'Don't get impatient with their distractibility. Always make time for great conversation. Be understanding when they're moody. Help them move past their insecurities, and tell them it's not their job to please everyone. Let them have space but never let them be lonely.' I endorse all that good counsel, and add this: 'To love Geminis, listen to them attentively, and with expansive flexibility. Don't try to force them to be consistent; encourage them to experiment at uniting their sometimes conflicting urges. As best as you can, express appreciation not just for the parts of them that are easy to love but also for the parts that are not yet ripe or charming.'"

As Kaypacha says, "Namaste, Aloha, So Much Love."

Part 2 of 2: The Brain, Being a Ferrari, and Letting It Go

At the end of Part 1 I was writing about my frustrations with being a calm, rational person in most areas of my life, but being *ahem* not so calm or rational when it comes to my love life (especially breakups).

I started to see this as the literally different parts of the brain (I studied Neuroscience a bit in college and find it fascinating), so I’m going to talk nerdy to you for a minute.  In the human brain the Neocortex is “involved in higher functions such as sensory perception, generation of motor commands, spatial reasoning, conscious thought and language.”  Let’s call this the Mammalian Brain, which I see as the part of my brain that understands reason and logic.

But buried underneath the Mammalian Brain we have the same parts of the brain as all other vertebrates: sections that control lower brain functions like heart rate, breathing, body temperature and balance. Let’s call this the Reptilian Brain, which I see this as the part of the brain that doesn’t give a fuck about reasons. It sees things as yes/no, fight/flight, kill/be killed, and there no space for the nuance of the Mammalian Brain.

(Disclaimer: The Mammalian Brain/Reptilian Brain division is a way that I had been explaining this dilemma to my friends, when I did more research I found that the terms are used in Paul MacLean’s model called the Triune Brain, which is criticized for being overly simplistic.  I recognize that the brain is ridiculously complex, and I think they’re useful terms in this context but this is not intended to be Neuroscience 101. If you’re interested in the intricate workings of the brain, there's lots of info online or find some Neuroscience textbooks.)

For much of the past few months my Mammalian Brain and my Reptilian Brain have been yelling at each other, and I’m working on how to get them to cooperate rather than fight. For example, my Mammalian Brain will say that there are lots of guys in LA and statistically speaking there must be straight, single, monogamous guys that I’m attracted to who are also attracted to me, and I just have to be patient. But my Reptilian Brain doesn’t understand statistics, anything theoretical, or patience, so it says, “Where are these guys? I don’t see them, they don’t exist!  You're definitely dying alone!” The Mammalian Brain replies with some logical, reasoned response, which the Reptilian Brain cares not a whit about.  And they go back and forth like this.  It's exhausting.  

In Episode 4 of the Love Hurts series in the Strangers podcast, Lea Thau interviews a guy, Joe, who had wanted to date her but the feeling wasn't mutual.  Part of the mismatch was that he’d developed emotional intimacy with her by listening to her podcast, but that didn't allow her to develop the same intimacy with him (which was interesting to me in the context of this blog).  She used to be concerned that talking about her personal life in the podcast could hurt her dating life, and Joe says that he thinks it will filter out the wrong people and the right guys will like her more for it.  Then he adds, “This isn’t for the faint of heart. You’re not for the faint of heart. You’re kind of like a Ferrari, this barely street legal car with license plates,” and Lea laughs at being compared to a Ferrari.  He adds that most people are looking for a Camry and “the fact that few people are compatible and want this does not make it an inferior thing.”  Oof.  For me, Joe hit the nail on the head. I've often wondered, “What’s wrong with me?” with regards to dating.  I've also often thought that I’m not for the faint of heart.  I don’t try to make things difficult, I’m not high maintenance, but my life just tends to be...complicated.   As Joe says, “It’s not that you’re crazy, I recognize that you’re fairly rational, but I just feel like there’s so much passion and intensity there. There’s just a huge amount of horsepower under the hood…”  Joe doesn't see this as a bad thing, it sounds like the passion and intensity is what he liked about Lea and the fact that few people are compatible makes it more special when someone is compatible.

I've dated guys who were too intense for me, but I've felt too intense for others.  When I’m getting to know someone, I’m usually holding back quite a bit until I feel like they can really handle it.  Joe calls Lea out on trying to turn down her horsepower because she’s worried that it will scare guys away, that she’s trying to pretend she’s a Camry instead of a Ferrari, when it’s better to just own it.  Honestly, one of the big things I miss about being with B#9 is that I didn't have to pretend to be a Camry.   I don’t think he totally understood the intensity, but he wasn't afraid of it and seemed in ways to enjoy it. I didn't feel like “Too Much.”  I believe it’s what they call Acceptance: people who like you exactly as you are, and aren't telling you (directly or indirectly) to think less, feel less, talk less or be less.  So Acceptance is something I'm moving up the priorities list in friends and potential romantic partners.

I recently saw the movie Frozen for the first time, and noticed themes of acceptance.  In both "Let It Go" and "For The First Time in Forever," Elsa sings, “Don't let them in, don't let them see/Be the good girl you always have to be/Conceal, don't feel.”  This resonated a lot with me, as with many people, which I think this is part of why Frozen is popular with adults as well as kids. In searching for the lyrics I found interpretations of Elsa as queer or anorexic and lots of different interpretations abound on the internet.  Many people hide who they really are for many different reasons, and can see themselves in Elsa.  Growing up I was told I was "too sensitive," so I tried to hide how much I felt (about everything).  I'm trying to Let It Go, take the gloves off and stop hiding, and it's a daily challenge.  Writing this, being really honest about the heartache and arguments in my brain, is even part of it.

There are theories that what we're attracted to in others shows the areas we need to heal with ourselves (a very hippie explanation of this).  I've been trying to be aware of this with B#9: I was so drawn to how kind and accepting he is, so I'm trying to be more kind and accepting to myself (and others).  Not trying to "be an island," but perhaps if I can be kind and nurturing to myself it can ease the grip that attachment has on me.  Or at least I'll be less of an asshole to myself.  

Lastly, a friend shared an excerpt about Heartbreak from David Whyte today, and I was quite moved by it.  It's quite long, but I'll share a few parts:

"Heartbreak is an indication of our sincerity: in a love relationship, in a life’s work, in trying to learn a musical instrument, in the attempt to shape a better more generous self. Heartbreak is the beautifully helpless side of love and affection and is just as much an essence and emblem of care as the spiritual athlete’s quick but abstract ability to let go. Heartbreak has its own way of inhabiting time and its own beautiful and trying patience in coming and going.

Heartbreak is how we mature; yet we use the word heartbreak as if it only occurs when things have gone wrong: an unrequited love, a shattered dream, a child lost before their time. Heartbreak, we hope, is something we hope we can avoid; something to guard against, a chasm to be carefully looked for and then walked around...

…If heartbreak is inevitable and inescapable, it might be asking us to look for it and make friends with it, to see it as our constant and instructive companion, and even perhaps, in the depth of its impact as well as in its hindsight, to see it as its own reward. Heartbreak asks us not to look for an alternative path, because there is no alternative path. It is a deeper introduction to what we love and have loved, an inescapable and often beautiful question, something or someone who has been with us all along, asking us to be ready for the last letting go."

Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date

I was a bit nervous about writing this, because…I had a bad date.

I try to keep this blog pretty positive but there isn't a good way to sugar coat this, unless I just wrote, “We saw Guardians of the Galaxy and I enjoyed the movie.  The End.”  But that won’t do. 

So here we go.

Bachelor #6 was one of my cousin Emily’s picks in Week 3.  After I let him know he was part of the experiment, he sent me an email saying he was done with electronic communication and wanted to meet me.  At the end of the email in parentheses was his phone number and “Calling me is very cool.”  I’m not a big fan of calling people I don’t know, but part of my goal with this experiment is to push my comfort zone.  So I called him and left a voicemail, then he called me and left a voicemail.  We played phone tag for a few days (also texting back and forth trying to set a time to talk).  When we finally did talk, he let me know that he was going out of town for a few days and didn't know his work schedule for the next week.  He suggested coffee or drinks and I suggested seeing the movie Guardians of the Galaxy, because I hadn't seen it yet and had heard it was really good.  He said that sounded good, and he would let me know when he knew his work schedule.

More than a week went by, and I figured that he was blowing me off.  I mentally started writing a blog post about how both Bachelors that week had flaked. 

When he texted me (nine days after we’d talked on the phone) with a few days that week that would work for him, I was rather surprised.  

It was a good reminder that: 

a) I’m not a very patient person and/or 

b) my life moves at a rapid pace, and 

c) I need to be with someone who shares or at least understands that pace 

(which did not seem to be the case with Bachelor #6) 

I know that easy-going guys can be good for me, but there’s a difference between easy-going and “Where’d you go?”

But I put aside my doubts, we picked a day and a theater, and he said he would see if he could get free tickets from work.  A few days later he texted me to say that he couldn't get free tickets to that theater but had tickets to another theater nearby, could we meet there?  This struck me as a bit odd, but I said sure.  

A week and a half after our initial conversation and the day before our date, we set a time to meet.  He suggested getting a beer at a nearby deli before the movie. Again, it seemed odd to me to get a drink at a deli but I was trying to go with the flow so I agreed. 

The next evening, half an hour before we’re scheduled to meet, I get a text from B#6.  He says that the deli we were supposed to meet at is closed, so he’s going to a bar nearby.  I’d gotten caught up in work and was running 10 minutes late, and he’s already there 30 minutes early.  Oof.  Definitely a mismatch.  

When I got there he was sitting outside and we went into the bar to get a drink for me (he already had one) but then gave up and went back outside to wait for a server.  After a while I went back into the bar on my own to get a drink.  When I returned with a beverage, we talked for a bit and got to know each other.  I mentioned that I do standup comedy nearby, and he said, "Are you funny?" and told me about his roommate who tried standup and bombed.  When I told him that I lived in rural Montana for a bit he said, "Isn't all of Montana rural?"  I told him no, there are cities in Montana, and he replied, "Are you sure?  Or did people just tell you there are?"  At this point it was very clear to me that we don't have compatible senses of humor, because I think he was trying to make a joke but it came across as very rude to me. 

He complained about where he lives and where he works, but said he's hoping his current job will lead to better opportunities.  When we talked about where I live he said that he’s never been to my neighborhood or the surrounding neighborhoods (young, hip(ster) parts of LA) and doesn't even know where they are exactly.  This surprised me, because most 20-somethings in LA at least know those neighborhoods a bit.  I asked how long he’s been in LA and he said a year and a half; he moved out here for the opportunities in music and then adds, “and also to get away from an awful relationship.”  

This date helped me come up with a list of what I consider some General Rules for First Dates:

1. Don’t talk about Exes (there can be exceptions, but if at all possible, just don’t). 
2. Don’t talk about religion or politics (current events conversations are ok, but definitely avoid rants).
3. Generally, avoid rants.
4. Don’t talk about money (especially not about how much you do or don’t make).
5. Don’t Be Greedy and Don’t Be Cheap: Don’t order the most expensive thing off the menu, and don’t seem like you’re unwilling to spend money on a date.  I usually offer to split the bill with a guy or buy my own drink, but I do see it as gentlemanly if a guy does pay. 
6. Try to be nice, pleasant, and easy-going: try to put your best foot forward on a date.  You don’t have to pretend that everything is sunshine and roses, but don’t be the voice of Gloom & Doom.

Because on this date, Bachelor #6 broke all of the General Rules for First Dates:

1. He talked about two different ex-girlfriends, or one ex-girlfriend twice, I didn’t clarify.
2. We talked a bit about religion but it was rather innocuous, the politics part was actually more off-putting.  When talking about the Venice boardwalk, he said that he isn’t a fan of Capitalism (I’m not either, really) and that he likes walking around with all the weirdoes in Venice because he’s actually one of them but he “can hide it better.”  Eep.
3. The rant…I’ll write a separate paragraph about the rant.
4. Multiple references to being broke (I don’t have a lot of money either, but I don’t need to talk about it much).
5. He referenced the free movie tickets before the date and during the date (he actually had to pay $4 total at the box office, and he did cover that). 
6. He complained about where he lived, where he worked, and lots of other things.  He generally seemed rather negative.

I was relieved when it was time to head to the theater.  We watched the movie, and I thought it was a really fun movie.  It was definitely the best part of the date.  

As we were walking out of the movie theater, I was treated to a diatribe:

He started talking about a tv show he was watching lately, maybe Californication, that was talking about how movies are dying.  He realized that they were right, he barely goes to the movies anymore and usually just watches shows.  (Just as a reminder, I am a filmmaker, as in movies are my business and my passion.)  So as he is droning about the death of my industry, I’m wondering why anyone would talk about such a thing on a date, much less a classical musician.  I'm forcing a smile and trying to get through the end of this date.  When I tune back in he’s talking about how long Wagner’s works were and he wonders if we’re moving in the direction of seeing longer works like that in theaters.  It takes every ounce of my self-control to keep my eyes from rolling. 

As we part ways, he said that maybe he’ll call me or maybe I’ll call him. 

Spoiler alert: I did not call him.

(And luckily he didn't call me either.)

It is interesting though to think about General Rules for First Dates.  I sometimes get anxious and feel like I don’t know how to date, but clearly I have certain ideas about how one is supposed to behave on a first date.  Other people might have different rules, does anyone want to suggest other General Rules for First Dates?  Or think my rules are unfair?  When I write them out, it seems like a lot of topics not to talk about.  But those are generally the rules I adhere to for polite conversation with strangers, which is really what a first date is: spending some time with a stranger to figure out if you'd like to get to know each other better.  

Bachelor #6 would likely have different First Date Rules, but this date made it abundantly clear that we're incompatible in many ways!  I don't know if it was the worst date I've ever been on, but it's in the Top 5.  At least the movie was good!