I used to think I didn't know how to flirt (not that I'd say I'm an expert now) but I had an "A-Ha!" moment a few years ago:
I was at my hometown bar with friends and I was chatting with The Hot Bartender. We were friendly and would chat whenever I came in. I walked back to my friends and one said, "Wow, you were doing really well with him! He's totally flirting with you!" and I was like, "What??? We were just talking!!" That was when I realized, flirting is really just talking. I'd thought I needed a line or a move, but flirting is just... talking. With intention. And a casual arm touch doesn't hurt.
I've been thinking a lot about flirting lately. What makes flirting flirting? I've been working on set and in the film industry a lot of people flirt but it doesn't really mean anything. I call it Work Flirting, like working in the service industry, you have to interact with a lot of people and it's a fuzzy line between being friendly and flirty. One guy freely admitted that it was just a way to pass the time and if I called his bluff he would back down. Honestly, Work Flirting that I know is Work Flirting is fine by me, it can be a fun break in long stressful days.
But how do you tell if someone is Work Flirting or Real Flirting? Unfortunately, it's easier for me to Work Flirt (with guys I'm not actually interested in) than Real Flirt (with guys I'm actually interested in). There was a guy on this job my friends started calling my Boyfriend, who I actually genuinely like, and I would get SO NERVOUS talking to him. It felt like being a teenager again, we would find any stupid reason to talk to each other (we had basically no work reason to talk) and while we're talking in my head I'd be shouting at myself "SAY SOMETHING INTERESTING!!" but sometimes we'd just stand there smiling at each other like idiots.
Why are there some guys that I can't help but flirt with (either Work Flirting or Real Flirting) and other guys that I'm so nervous around that I'm nearly incapacitated? I couldn't be friends with Sugar Ray Guy and B#9 was because we kept flirting with each other, even when we were trying to just be friends. With both of them I found conversation pretty easy from the beginning, but there was alcohol involved and that can definitely help. There was also more pressure at work, I only had a few instances each day to talk to him (our paths didn't cross often) whereas with SRG or B#9 we were hanging out one-on-one. If I got to know Boyfriend (sorry/not sorry, the nickname stuck) better, would I be less nervous around him?
(Continued in Part 2)
Showing posts with label smart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label smart. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Flirting and Other Fine Arts - Part 2
(Continued from Part 1)
The intense nervousness is sort of adorable, but also frustrating. At the start of his last day Boyfriend told me that he was leaving and why. My friend had been pointing out for weeks how he was telling me personal information that he wasn't telling other people (you don't discuss anything meaningful/personal in Work Flirting, in my book). On my 30 Before 30 List is "Ask a guy out on a date," and it seemed like a good opportunity. At the end of our conversation, as we're walking away from each other (but were still facing each other, I don't remember why) I said, "We should get drinks!" He gave me an inscrutable eyebrow raise, and I kept walking away because the only thing in my brain was, "OMG OMG OMG." We were both very busy that day, and though he held direct eye contact with me whenever we would see each other, we didn't talk again until the end of the night. He gave me a hug, said it was great to meet me and he'd see me on the next one. I probably said something like, "Yeah, you too," but I don't remember because my thoughts = "WHAT?????"
I've had a few days off and spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to understand what had happened. Was he just Work Flirting with me? But then why did he tell me so much personal stuff? And why did he seek me out so often? Work Flirting is casual, usually with people you have to interact with often for work, but he and I didn't have to interact for our jobs. But if he was Real Flirting with me, then why didn't he say something about getting drinks?? And unfortunately, my brain's normal response is that I messed it up somehow so I was replaying everything trying to figure out what I did wrong. Ugh. My friends said everything from, "He probably didn't mean to be flirting with you," to "Maybe he's out of practice dating, you should text him!" I tried to stop thinking about it by throwing myself into work and then drinking. My therapist said I needed to deal with it (not just try to work or drink my way out of my feelings). Yeah. So I journaled, painted, and gave myself time to think.
And then he texted me today. Out of the blue, seemingly just to say hi. It made me excited and happy, but also really really really really nervous. Again.
Why am I sharing this? I would love to hear that other people also get super nervous around people they like, and if anyone has ways that they deal with it (other than running away). Also, I think it's funny when weird/awkward things happen to me, and sharing it makes me feel better. In movies/tv/etc. we see guys getting very nervous around women but less often women getting very nervous around men (or those women are written as socially inept in general). If anyone thinks that only guys get nervous around people they like, *ahem* women sometimes do too!
I'm also sharing because turned on myself like a Mean Girl, and it's something I'm working on. I see it in how I write/talk about it, the amount of times I use words like "dumb" and "idiot." I like to stay cool, calm and collected, and when there's someone I can't keep my cool around, I freak out even more. People have always told me I'm hard on myself, I used to think it was a compliment, but I'm trying to be kinder to myself. To the other perfectionists/overthinkers out there, I get you. Give yourself a break.
There's a lyric from "Spiralling" by Keane: "When we fall in love/ We're just falling/ In love with ourselves." I think the song as a whole is about how love can be narcissistic, but that lyric has always fascinated me. When I fall in love, I'm not falling in love with myself, I'm looking for whatever parts of myself I need to hide or kill off in order for the person to like me. I'm trying to hide the skeletons in my closet and/or choreographing their entrances. I think this is common to some extent, but recently it's concerned me. I'm looking for a way that falling in love can be falling in love with myself too, instead of tearing myself to pieces. I know that it can be attractive when people are authentically themselves, but as Brene Brown says, "Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you." Change isn't easy, but I think it's worth it.
The intense nervousness is sort of adorable, but also frustrating. At the start of his last day Boyfriend told me that he was leaving and why. My friend had been pointing out for weeks how he was telling me personal information that he wasn't telling other people (you don't discuss anything meaningful/personal in Work Flirting, in my book). On my 30 Before 30 List is "Ask a guy out on a date," and it seemed like a good opportunity. At the end of our conversation, as we're walking away from each other (but were still facing each other, I don't remember why) I said, "We should get drinks!" He gave me an inscrutable eyebrow raise, and I kept walking away because the only thing in my brain was, "OMG OMG OMG." We were both very busy that day, and though he held direct eye contact with me whenever we would see each other, we didn't talk again until the end of the night. He gave me a hug, said it was great to meet me and he'd see me on the next one. I probably said something like, "Yeah, you too," but I don't remember because my thoughts = "WHAT?????"
I've had a few days off and spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to understand what had happened. Was he just Work Flirting with me? But then why did he tell me so much personal stuff? And why did he seek me out so often? Work Flirting is casual, usually with people you have to interact with often for work, but he and I didn't have to interact for our jobs. But if he was Real Flirting with me, then why didn't he say something about getting drinks?? And unfortunately, my brain's normal response is that I messed it up somehow so I was replaying everything trying to figure out what I did wrong. Ugh. My friends said everything from, "He probably didn't mean to be flirting with you," to "Maybe he's out of practice dating, you should text him!" I tried to stop thinking about it by throwing myself into work and then drinking. My therapist said I needed to deal with it (not just try to work or drink my way out of my feelings). Yeah. So I journaled, painted, and gave myself time to think.
And then he texted me today. Out of the blue, seemingly just to say hi. It made me excited and happy, but also really really really really nervous. Again.
Why am I sharing this? I would love to hear that other people also get super nervous around people they like, and if anyone has ways that they deal with it (other than running away). Also, I think it's funny when weird/awkward things happen to me, and sharing it makes me feel better. In movies/tv/etc. we see guys getting very nervous around women but less often women getting very nervous around men (or those women are written as socially inept in general). If anyone thinks that only guys get nervous around people they like, *ahem* women sometimes do too!
I'm also sharing because turned on myself like a Mean Girl, and it's something I'm working on. I see it in how I write/talk about it, the amount of times I use words like "dumb" and "idiot." I like to stay cool, calm and collected, and when there's someone I can't keep my cool around, I freak out even more. People have always told me I'm hard on myself, I used to think it was a compliment, but I'm trying to be kinder to myself. To the other perfectionists/overthinkers out there, I get you. Give yourself a break.
There's a lyric from "Spiralling" by Keane: "When we fall in love/ We're just falling/ In love with ourselves." I think the song as a whole is about how love can be narcissistic, but that lyric has always fascinated me. When I fall in love, I'm not falling in love with myself, I'm looking for whatever parts of myself I need to hide or kill off in order for the person to like me. I'm trying to hide the skeletons in my closet and/or choreographing their entrances. I think this is common to some extent, but recently it's concerned me. I'm looking for a way that falling in love can be falling in love with myself too, instead of tearing myself to pieces. I know that it can be attractive when people are authentically themselves, but as Brene Brown says, "Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you." Change isn't easy, but I think it's worth it.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Date #8: A Bullfight at MOCA
When I wrote about Date #4 I listed some General Rules for a (Bad) First Date. Since then I've learned that to some guys, setting Rules for a First Date is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Introducing Date #8, featuring Bachelor #12 as the bull, and myself as a matador. Olé.
We had an unusual bullfighting arena: the Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA) in Downtown LA. He had suggested meeting there, and I hadn't been in a while so I agreed. I find it interesting that I hadn't been on a museum date before this experiment, and now 4 of the 8 dates have been at museums!
Bachelor #12 had read quite a bit of the blog and was at times self-conscious about it, saying that he knew too much about me. He's a very intellectual and very intense guy. He is 25 years old and Non-Monogamous, which I found interesting because Bachelor #9 is also 25 and Non-Monogamous. As it turns out they are very different (although they both call me a hipster, which I find funny because I figured I'd feel less hip dating younger guys). As we chatted about relationships he said that all relationships are temporary and all we're left with is what we learn from each other, which I found rather profound and appropriate as I'm learning from all of the different bachelors.
But he set the tone for the date fairly early on by saying, "I'm going to break all of your First Date Rules." At the time I actually interpreted this as an advanced apology for potential social awkwardness. But upon reviewing the date as a whole, it now seems like more of a statement of intent. I don't know if he wanted to challenge my First Date Rules to make me feel foolish for having stated them, or if he just found it odd that I'm not the most socially normative person and yet was setting Rules.
Either way, he indeed did break almost every First Date Rule that I had outlined. Perhaps most strikingly (and sort of hilariously) as he was telling me about his philosophy studies and his own personal moral code, and he said, "For example, I'm not sure that there's anything wrong with killing babies." He would later tell me that in philosophy debates, "killing babies" is a frequently used example. I took some philosophy courses and was perhaps not as shocked by this statement as some would be, but I think I'd been zoning out a bit during his rant and so my first thought was, "Why am I standing in an art museum listening to this guy talk about killing babies?"
New First Date Rule: Try to avoid talking about killing babies.
Let me poke some holes in my red flag: I never meant the Rules to be iron clad, I think there are generally exceptions to every rule. Different people's First Date boundaries will be different, and a good date is when your boundaries are compatible. I expressed my preferences while writing about Date #4, and am continually learning about what factors contribute to a good or bad date for me. And this date was no exception.
For as long as I can remember, when I was talking about what I was looking for in a partner, I would say that I was looking for a guy who challenged me. This date with B#12 made me think about what that means, and what I'm really looking for. By starting off the date saying, "I'm going to break all of your First Date Rules," he was definitely challenging me, and it can also be seen as saying, "I'm going to make you uncomfortable." I'm not looking for the type of guy who just says, "Yes, Dear" to everything, but I'm also not looking for a guy who will intentionally make me uncomfortable (especially on a first date). I've been with a lot of Challenging guys, I've been with a "Yes, Dear" guy or two, but only lately have I experienced what it's like to be with a guy who is Nurturing.
I hadn't recognized how much I'd gotten used to a calm, nurturing dynamic until after this Bullfight Date with B#12 when I realized, I'm tired of relationships that are so combative. I push myself a lot, constantly, and a guy who is supportive is better for me right now than one who is pushing. I'm also a rather stubborn person, so being pushed toward something can just makes me resistant to it. But if someone can give me the space to work it out on my own or give constructive feedback, it's a smoother process.
Boom, paradigm shift: "Challenging" gets moved down the list of traits I'm looking for in a guy, and "Nurturing/Kind" moves way up. Not that Challenging it totally off the list, but even that the way someone challenges me is more in the Nurturing/Kind way than Aggressive.
I realize that Nurturing is not typically seen as a masculine tendency. I briefly dated a guy a few years ago who was condescending and when I talked to him about it he said I was looking for him to be nurturing and "Guys aren't nurturing." Luckily I'm finding that's not true! Maybe Kind or Supportive are more comfortable words for guys. I stay away from the word "Nice" because guys sometimes get caught in "Nice Guys Finish Last" and it can motivate them to act like not very nice guys.
It's also interesting that B#12 matched during my friend Chelsea's Matchmaker week, which was more aggressive profile, while B#9 (who is nurturing) matched during my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, which was a more romantic profile. A few things I take from this:
1) I am more compatible with a guy who responded to a romantic profile than an aggressive profile. I really would need more data on this because B#9 was the only guy that I actually went on a date with from Greg's Matchmaker week. But I think I should lean toward dating more romantic guys. Also the way I'm represented in the profile may affect the way the bachelors interact with me. B#9 said he'd thought of challenging me about my First Date Rules but decided he didn't want to be that way, perhaps because I'd been portrayed in a romantic/sensitive way. B#12 probably generally challenges people, but may have been even more challenging with me because that profile had presented me as a more aggressive person.
2) Let's talk about gender roles. Stereotypically, aggressive is masculine and romantic is feminine. Yet, Chelsea (female) is our aggressive example and Greg (male) is our romantic example. I am looking for a masculine man who is in touch with his feminine side, as I am a feminine woman but I also am in touch with my masculine side. I prefer Power Tool Therapy to Retail Therapy; I'm happy to put on a dress and heels for a night out but spend most of my time wearing yoga pants and running shoes. I really hope that our society can move past such strict ideas of gender norms because they can be really harmful and limiting to both genders (and anyone that doesn't feel they fit into the gender binary).
3) I actually need to get more comfortable with my romantic/sensitive side. Today I apologized for "getting all emo" to a friend, and she lovingly scolded me a bit for minimizing my feelings. I've realized that being with a nurturing guy allows me to let my nurturing side show more, which I actually like. But it takes a bit of adjusting (and reminding myself) that I like nurturing guys and the nurturing side of myself.
4) How do I figure out who is Kind/Nurturing? At least for the experiment: OkCupid has a section called "Personality" in which they show which personality traits are strongest in someone compared to average. One of those personality traits is Kind (I believe Compassionate is also on there sometimes) so I'll be paying more attention to that in guys' profiles. Also, I've started to notice that some guys list "Kindness" on their profile as something that is important to them. And I am working on getting better at recognizing the way people show kindness or empathy in communication, online and offline.
If you need more evidence for why I might prefer Kindness, check out this article: Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits. (Spoiler alert: the 2 traits are Kindness and Generosity).
But now back to the date, where I hadn't figured out that paradigm shift yet...
I felt like B#12 and I weren't really clicking, but he suggested that we get drinks so we could get to know each other in a different setting. From the experimental perspective, I was curious: would we connect differently in a different setting? B#9 and I had recently discussed whether the setting of our first date affected how much we connected. So why not get a drink and see if a change of scenery brings a change of tone?
We went to a nearby bar and got a booth, and we did seem to connect better over drinks. Maybe a drink helped both of us relax a bit, and we were a bit more playful in our debates.
**This is now where anyone (i.e. family members) who don't want to read about anything remotely sexual should stop reading. Love you all.**
One round of drinks turned into two, and we got a bit cozy in the booth. When he put his arm around me and kissed me, I kissed him back. I was a bit surprised myself, but I also felt like, "Why not?" I tend to be a rather serious person, and sometimes it's nice to let go a bit.
But his hands were wandering a bit more than I was comfortable with, and when I had pushed his hand away from a certain area twice he said, "You're only half fun." I was taken aback at this and asked which half of me was not fun, and he said the half that was pushing his hand away. Bam. Any goodwill that we had accrued quickly evaporated.
I think I've mentioned that I'm working on boundaries, and I know that one of the reasons it's difficult for me to clearly express physical boundaries with guys is that I'm worried they won't like me if I say "No." So when a guy essentially says that he likes me less because I was saying no (even just with body language) it was frustrating. The good news is that I didn't give up my boundaries, I stood my ground and he didn't try again. He apologized and said he didn't want me to feel pressured, but acknowledged that clearly I had felt pressured. The bad news is that after the date, I didn't feel good about what had happened. I was blaming myself, wondering what should I have done differently to prevent that from happening. Should I have worn a different dress? Not gotten two drinks with him? Not gotten drinks at all?
I am still working on boundaries and communication, and I know I could have been clearer with B#12 about my boundaries (and clearer with myself). But we'd also fallen into a trap that you might not think that two people who had spent the evening discussing philosophy and unusual moral codes would fall into: guy feels that he is entitled to access to girl's body, girl feels shame and guilt. I don't intend to shame myself or B#12, but to point out that if even two very educated people who are very aware of and often eschew social norms can get caught up in these gender dynamics, it's a good thing for us to take a beat to think about.
I firmly believe:
I've heard from a few guys lately that it's difficult for guys to navigate modern masculinity, and I would suggest reading articles like Yes, You Can Be a Gentleman and Have Great Sex, or basically anything by Jordan Gray, or other articles at The Good Men Project. And ladies, check them out too. Both genders' struggles are entwined, and it would help for each to have a better understanding and empathy for the challenges of each gender.
B#12 texted me several days after our date to plan another date. I told him that I didn't think we should see each other again because I think we're looking for different things and I felt that my boundaries weren't respected, but I appreciated what I'd learned from the date. He was very apologetic, and I told him I appreciated it and hoped it could be an opportunity for learning and growth for him also.
It's unusual for me to be so upfront with someone about crossing boundaries, and I really appreciate that B#12 was apologetic instead of defensive. This blog forces me to be more honest with the bachelors than I normally would be, but it's been really positive and encouraging. I also appreciate that the blog allows me the space to (or requires that I) analyze each date and what I learn from them. And I appreciate each of the bachelors for being part of the experiment and letting me write about them!
We had an unusual bullfighting arena: the Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA) in Downtown LA. He had suggested meeting there, and I hadn't been in a while so I agreed. I find it interesting that I hadn't been on a museum date before this experiment, and now 4 of the 8 dates have been at museums!
Bachelor #12 had read quite a bit of the blog and was at times self-conscious about it, saying that he knew too much about me. He's a very intellectual and very intense guy. He is 25 years old and Non-Monogamous, which I found interesting because Bachelor #9 is also 25 and Non-Monogamous. As it turns out they are very different (although they both call me a hipster, which I find funny because I figured I'd feel less hip dating younger guys). As we chatted about relationships he said that all relationships are temporary and all we're left with is what we learn from each other, which I found rather profound and appropriate as I'm learning from all of the different bachelors.
But he set the tone for the date fairly early on by saying, "I'm going to break all of your First Date Rules." At the time I actually interpreted this as an advanced apology for potential social awkwardness. But upon reviewing the date as a whole, it now seems like more of a statement of intent. I don't know if he wanted to challenge my First Date Rules to make me feel foolish for having stated them, or if he just found it odd that I'm not the most socially normative person and yet was setting Rules.
Either way, he indeed did break almost every First Date Rule that I had outlined. Perhaps most strikingly (and sort of hilariously) as he was telling me about his philosophy studies and his own personal moral code, and he said, "For example, I'm not sure that there's anything wrong with killing babies." He would later tell me that in philosophy debates, "killing babies" is a frequently used example. I took some philosophy courses and was perhaps not as shocked by this statement as some would be, but I think I'd been zoning out a bit during his rant and so my first thought was, "Why am I standing in an art museum listening to this guy talk about killing babies?"
New First Date Rule: Try to avoid talking about killing babies.
Let me poke some holes in my red flag: I never meant the Rules to be iron clad, I think there are generally exceptions to every rule. Different people's First Date boundaries will be different, and a good date is when your boundaries are compatible. I expressed my preferences while writing about Date #4, and am continually learning about what factors contribute to a good or bad date for me. And this date was no exception.
For as long as I can remember, when I was talking about what I was looking for in a partner, I would say that I was looking for a guy who challenged me. This date with B#12 made me think about what that means, and what I'm really looking for. By starting off the date saying, "I'm going to break all of your First Date Rules," he was definitely challenging me, and it can also be seen as saying, "I'm going to make you uncomfortable." I'm not looking for the type of guy who just says, "Yes, Dear" to everything, but I'm also not looking for a guy who will intentionally make me uncomfortable (especially on a first date). I've been with a lot of Challenging guys, I've been with a "Yes, Dear" guy or two, but only lately have I experienced what it's like to be with a guy who is Nurturing.
I hadn't recognized how much I'd gotten used to a calm, nurturing dynamic until after this Bullfight Date with B#12 when I realized, I'm tired of relationships that are so combative. I push myself a lot, constantly, and a guy who is supportive is better for me right now than one who is pushing. I'm also a rather stubborn person, so being pushed toward something can just makes me resistant to it. But if someone can give me the space to work it out on my own or give constructive feedback, it's a smoother process.
Boom, paradigm shift: "Challenging" gets moved down the list of traits I'm looking for in a guy, and "Nurturing/Kind" moves way up. Not that Challenging it totally off the list, but even that the way someone challenges me is more in the Nurturing/Kind way than Aggressive.
I realize that Nurturing is not typically seen as a masculine tendency. I briefly dated a guy a few years ago who was condescending and when I talked to him about it he said I was looking for him to be nurturing and "Guys aren't nurturing." Luckily I'm finding that's not true! Maybe Kind or Supportive are more comfortable words for guys. I stay away from the word "Nice" because guys sometimes get caught in "Nice Guys Finish Last" and it can motivate them to act like not very nice guys.
It's also interesting that B#12 matched during my friend Chelsea's Matchmaker week, which was more aggressive profile, while B#9 (who is nurturing) matched during my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, which was a more romantic profile. A few things I take from this:
1) I am more compatible with a guy who responded to a romantic profile than an aggressive profile. I really would need more data on this because B#9 was the only guy that I actually went on a date with from Greg's Matchmaker week. But I think I should lean toward dating more romantic guys. Also the way I'm represented in the profile may affect the way the bachelors interact with me. B#9 said he'd thought of challenging me about my First Date Rules but decided he didn't want to be that way, perhaps because I'd been portrayed in a romantic/sensitive way. B#12 probably generally challenges people, but may have been even more challenging with me because that profile had presented me as a more aggressive person.
2) Let's talk about gender roles. Stereotypically, aggressive is masculine and romantic is feminine. Yet, Chelsea (female) is our aggressive example and Greg (male) is our romantic example. I am looking for a masculine man who is in touch with his feminine side, as I am a feminine woman but I also am in touch with my masculine side. I prefer Power Tool Therapy to Retail Therapy; I'm happy to put on a dress and heels for a night out but spend most of my time wearing yoga pants and running shoes. I really hope that our society can move past such strict ideas of gender norms because they can be really harmful and limiting to both genders (and anyone that doesn't feel they fit into the gender binary).
3) I actually need to get more comfortable with my romantic/sensitive side. Today I apologized for "getting all emo" to a friend, and she lovingly scolded me a bit for minimizing my feelings. I've realized that being with a nurturing guy allows me to let my nurturing side show more, which I actually like. But it takes a bit of adjusting (and reminding myself) that I like nurturing guys and the nurturing side of myself.
4) How do I figure out who is Kind/Nurturing? At least for the experiment: OkCupid has a section called "Personality" in which they show which personality traits are strongest in someone compared to average. One of those personality traits is Kind (I believe Compassionate is also on there sometimes) so I'll be paying more attention to that in guys' profiles. Also, I've started to notice that some guys list "Kindness" on their profile as something that is important to them. And I am working on getting better at recognizing the way people show kindness or empathy in communication, online and offline.
If you need more evidence for why I might prefer Kindness, check out this article: Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits. (Spoiler alert: the 2 traits are Kindness and Generosity).
But now back to the date, where I hadn't figured out that paradigm shift yet...
I felt like B#12 and I weren't really clicking, but he suggested that we get drinks so we could get to know each other in a different setting. From the experimental perspective, I was curious: would we connect differently in a different setting? B#9 and I had recently discussed whether the setting of our first date affected how much we connected. So why not get a drink and see if a change of scenery brings a change of tone?
We went to a nearby bar and got a booth, and we did seem to connect better over drinks. Maybe a drink helped both of us relax a bit, and we were a bit more playful in our debates.
**This is now where anyone (i.e. family members) who don't want to read about anything remotely sexual should stop reading. Love you all.**
One round of drinks turned into two, and we got a bit cozy in the booth. When he put his arm around me and kissed me, I kissed him back. I was a bit surprised myself, but I also felt like, "Why not?" I tend to be a rather serious person, and sometimes it's nice to let go a bit.
But his hands were wandering a bit more than I was comfortable with, and when I had pushed his hand away from a certain area twice he said, "You're only half fun." I was taken aback at this and asked which half of me was not fun, and he said the half that was pushing his hand away. Bam. Any goodwill that we had accrued quickly evaporated.
I think I've mentioned that I'm working on boundaries, and I know that one of the reasons it's difficult for me to clearly express physical boundaries with guys is that I'm worried they won't like me if I say "No." So when a guy essentially says that he likes me less because I was saying no (even just with body language) it was frustrating. The good news is that I didn't give up my boundaries, I stood my ground and he didn't try again. He apologized and said he didn't want me to feel pressured, but acknowledged that clearly I had felt pressured. The bad news is that after the date, I didn't feel good about what had happened. I was blaming myself, wondering what should I have done differently to prevent that from happening. Should I have worn a different dress? Not gotten two drinks with him? Not gotten drinks at all?
I am still working on boundaries and communication, and I know I could have been clearer with B#12 about my boundaries (and clearer with myself). But we'd also fallen into a trap that you might not think that two people who had spent the evening discussing philosophy and unusual moral codes would fall into: guy feels that he is entitled to access to girl's body, girl feels shame and guilt. I don't intend to shame myself or B#12, but to point out that if even two very educated people who are very aware of and often eschew social norms can get caught up in these gender dynamics, it's a good thing for us to take a beat to think about.
I firmly believe:
Consent is sexy.
Everyone should feel safe and heard, whether it's a first date or a tenth.
I've heard from a few guys lately that it's difficult for guys to navigate modern masculinity, and I would suggest reading articles like Yes, You Can Be a Gentleman and Have Great Sex, or basically anything by Jordan Gray, or other articles at The Good Men Project. And ladies, check them out too. Both genders' struggles are entwined, and it would help for each to have a better understanding and empathy for the challenges of each gender.
B#12 texted me several days after our date to plan another date. I told him that I didn't think we should see each other again because I think we're looking for different things and I felt that my boundaries weren't respected, but I appreciated what I'd learned from the date. He was very apologetic, and I told him I appreciated it and hoped it could be an opportunity for learning and growth for him also.
It's unusual for me to be so upfront with someone about crossing boundaries, and I really appreciate that B#12 was apologetic instead of defensive. This blog forces me to be more honest with the bachelors than I normally would be, but it's been really positive and encouraging. I also appreciate that the blog allows me the space to (or requires that I) analyze each date and what I learn from them. And I appreciate each of the bachelors for being part of the experiment and letting me write about them!
Friday, September 26, 2014
Week 5: Looking for Love...?
Usually at the start of Matchmaker weeks I have a phone call with the Matchmaker about how they think we should revise the OkCupid profile. My brother Greg is the Matchmaker for Week 5, and we started a phone call to revise the profile but I had to leave for a concert (Andrew Bird at the Hollywood Bowl!). Greg said he would write up what he thought should go in the profile, and I could look over it (we created a shared Google Doc because we're nerds).
Talking about the experiment with Greg reminded me that guys have many of the same concerns and suspicions about dating as women do. I'm so used to the narrative that "women just want love" and "men just want sex" even though I know both of those aren't necessarily true (especially since I'm female and have a tough time saying I'm looking for love). Greg said that some girls date out of boredom, or because they want guys to buy them things. I usually date Project Guys, aka broke guys, so I've never understood dating to "get stuff," like fancy dinners or presents. I've probably dated out of boredom, but I never want to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. I want to be with someone because I really like spending time with them, I like the way I feel around them, and I feel like we both help each other learn and grow. And I think that's what most people want, regardless of gender.
Later that night I read over what he'd written. In the last section of the profile, "You Should Message Me If," Greg had written:
"If you’re up for being part of a dating experiment where I really hope to fall in love."
I literally said "GAH!" out loud, like something had jumped out of my computer screen at me.
"If you’re up for being part of a dating experiment where I really hope to fall in love."
I literally said "GAH!" out loud, like something had jumped out of my computer screen at me.
And then I thought about it. I mean...I guess I'm hoping to fall in love, generally. It'd be great to find love/a serious relationship through the experiment, but I'm trying not to expect to meet the love of my life this way. I don't want that to be the measure of the experiment, like if I meet "Mr. Right" then it's a success and if I don't meet "Mr. Right" the experiment was a failure (and I'm dying alone). I feel like the experiment has already been beneficial: I'm learning about myself, my family and friends, dating, boundaries, compatibility, and more. I hope that the experiment is not just educational for me, but can help the Bachelors and anyone reading the blog to think about and discuss dating/romance/love.
So if I am (I guess...kinda sorta...) looking for love, should I say that I'm "really hope to fall in love" in a dating profile? My first thought was that it would scare away guys, so it's interesting that my brother, a straight male who uses OkCupid, would be suggesting this. We talked about it and he agreed that it might be a bit much. He said he was trying to show vulnerability and emotion, because to him the blog was coming off like I was doing the experiment out of idle curiosity instead of a serious intention to find a relationship or love. This surprised me, as I've tried to be very genuine and honest, and why would I date other than to find a relationship or love?
Talking about the experiment with Greg reminded me that guys have many of the same concerns and suspicions about dating as women do. I'm so used to the narrative that "women just want love" and "men just want sex" even though I know both of those aren't necessarily true (especially since I'm female and have a tough time saying I'm looking for love). Greg said that some girls date out of boredom, or because they want guys to buy them things. I usually date Project Guys, aka broke guys, so I've never understood dating to "get stuff," like fancy dinners or presents. I've probably dated out of boredom, but I never want to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. I want to be with someone because I really like spending time with them, I like the way I feel around them, and I feel like we both help each other learn and grow. And I think that's what most people want, regardless of gender.
Revising the profile also showed that Greg and I sometimes see things SO differently. Growing up we seemed like polar opposites: he had his nose in a book as much as humanly possible (even while walking or brushing his teeth), was a computer programmer and was on the Robotics Team; I was a writer, musician, and did every art form from theater to photography. I felt like other people would try to put us in boxes: Greg was the "smart one" and I was the "creative one." Luckily we never really bought into that and neither did our parents. Greg and I are both smart, and both creative. He enjoys creative endeavors: he's a designer as well as engineer, he goes to Burning Man every year and spins fire poi. I also did well in school: taking AP & IB courses in high school, and graduating from high school and college with honors; I've even noticed that every Matchmaker's version of the profile says something about my brains. As we've gotten older I see more of how similar Greg and I are, and how our different ways are two sides of the same coin.
However, at times our differing viewpoints made revising the profile very challenging. For example, Greg sees the phrase "dating experiment" as cold and uninviting, whereas I see it as fun and playful. He's concerned that guys will see themselves as guinea pigs in the experiment, so he was often trying to emphasize vulnerability in the profile. To me, the "experiment" part of it actually takes some of the stress off. I'm a perfectionist, and when it comes to dating I get anxious about picking "the right guy" or "the right first-date outfit." But an experiment is about trial and error: you try something, and if it doesn't work you try something else. You don't have to get it right the first time, you learn and build your data set as the experiment progresses. If the first round of an experiment doesn't go well, I doubt a scientist would eat a pint of ice cream and say they will never do an experiment again. They'd figure out how to make the experiment better and try again. The experiment makes it easier for me to lean into the vulnerability, to see good dates or bad dates not as "success/failure" but learning opportunities about what makes a date "good" or "bad" and how to make dating the best possible experience for me and my dates.
Greg is the first Matchmaker who has experience using OkCupid to message girls, so he had a unique perspective. He was very focused on including details that a guy could send me a message about, because he gets frustrated by girls' profiles that don't give him good message opportunities. For example, if the profile says I'm a "life-long learner" it doesn't give a guy much to send me a message about. But if it says, "I’m a life-long learner - have you ever wondered where the phrase “get down to brass tacks” came from? I did too and asked the Google machine" then a guy can send me a message that asks "Where does the phrase 'get down to brass tacks' come from?"
I asked Greg about what kind of guy he thinks would be a match for me, and he said he didn't have a specific type of guy in mind. After thinking for a bit he said, "Guys who are adventurous, at least somewhat stable and not particularly flakey...a little wild, but not to the point of being undependable." I can agree with that. I've definitely been with guys who are adventurous but not stable, and a few guys that are stable but not very adventurous. Guys that are adventurous but stable, a bit wild but also dependable, seem to be hard to find.
So let's go, OkCupid, give us your adventurous and stable!
Thursday, September 4, 2014
An OkCupid Message That Makes Me Want To Hulk Smash
I try to be a kind person, both in the metta sense and a general daily Golden Rule kind of way.
But sometimes, someone or something really bothers me, gets my goat, and ya know, makes me want to Hulk Smash...
We've had the new profile up for a few days, and I've noticed that we're getting different types of messages than we've seen in the experiment so far. There are more clever messages, a few messages say "you seem like an interesting person," "a sweetheart," or "down to earth." But there's also a few NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) messages, which we hadn't gotten before (even during Tracy's week). All of it is interesting in the Marketing of Dating conversation, and eventually I may pull keyword data from each week.
But there's one message that really stood out. The sender is 42 years old (the age range we set: 25-38) and the message is about 10 paragraphs long (584 words, 2,462 characters without spaces). It starts like this:
"So you candor on your profile makes me worry that you are not really looking for a relationship or love, but for fodder for your stand up, blog, short films, what-have-you."
*(please note the typo ("So you candor"), it comes into play later)
But sometimes, someone or something really bothers me, gets my goat, and ya know, makes me want to Hulk Smash...
We've had the new profile up for a few days, and I've noticed that we're getting different types of messages than we've seen in the experiment so far. There are more clever messages, a few messages say "you seem like an interesting person," "a sweetheart," or "down to earth." But there's also a few NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) messages, which we hadn't gotten before (even during Tracy's week). All of it is interesting in the Marketing of Dating conversation, and eventually I may pull keyword data from each week.
But there's one message that really stood out. The sender is 42 years old (the age range we set: 25-38) and the message is about 10 paragraphs long (584 words, 2,462 characters without spaces). It starts like this:
"So you candor on your profile makes me worry that you are not really looking for a relationship or love, but for fodder for your stand up, blog, short films, what-have-you."
*(please note the typo ("So you candor"), it comes into play later)
I won't focus on one message often, but this was a great example of a type of guy I don't want to date and I can tell from the first sentence of his message. I don't know what particular candor he is referencing, perhaps the description of the dating experiment at the beginning of the profile. Regardless, if my candor in a dating profile is a problem, then you won't like me in real life. You know how often people say, "Gee I wish people were less honest in their online dating profiles"? Basically never. I try to be a very honest person (honesty with tact, specifically) and I do not apologize for it. Also, I am a writer/creative person/artist. Everything is material. I have a writer's brain that is always looking for funny and weird things, and then trying to figure out the funniest ways to write about it. I know that may be strange to some people, but anyone who spends a lot of time around me should know that and the best ones embrace it.
But this guy seems to say that because I'm so honest, he doubts my integrity. And those are fighting words. My integrity is very important to me, which is why all the details about the experiment are in the OkC profile (including the url for the blog), and I try to write about everyone involved in the experiment in the most fair way I can. I ask permission from my family and friends before sharing their stories, and on the dates talk to the Bachelors about the blog. I don't want anyone to feel misled or tricked. This is not a cheesy Romcom and I'm not dating anyone because of a bet. I'm trying to learn more about what kind of guys I'm compatible with, and get insights and wisdom from my friends and family about what kind of guys they think would be best for me. If I meet my next boyfriend or my future husband through the experiment, great! If I just meet new cool guys and learn things, that's great too! If I can entertain others, and maybe make them think a bit, that's also excellent.
Anyways, back to Mr. Anti-Candor. He continues, "In terms of dating different guys. Here is my philosophy (which I touch on in my profile)." And then he proceeds to Mansplain some things, make a bunch of assumptions about my taste in men, the type of guys I've dated in the past, and the type of guys my friends date (and all of his assumptions are incorrect and at times insulting). He says, "So you want to think outside the box - don't go out with any white guys." (spoiler alert: he's not white.) But wait, it gets better! In his own words, he's "an intellectual elitist" and "I only am interested in women who are insanely smart and went to a top notch school." (Remember the typo in the first sentence? Color me unimpressed.) In case I hadn't gotten his disdain for all womankind yet he includes "Sadly, based on the list of 'People's Sexiest Men Alive' women do not have the same standards" (right...because all men/society share his views on brainy women, which is why female rocket scientists are regarded as the most desirable women in the world. OH WAIT.)
He ends his diatribe/OkCupid message by writing:
"So all I care about is where you went to college."
And commence Hulk Mode. I could never date a guy who only cares about where I went to college, I couldn't even be friends with someone who only cares where I went to college. I did go to a very good university, I even went to two good universities, but where I went to college does not define me. And I would never discriminate against others based on where they went to school. I'm less interested in what college a guy went to or what degree he got, I care more about whether he's constantly trying to learn about the world around him, if he's passionate about the work he does, if he's a caring and kind person who I am compatible with emotionally and intellectually. I'm looking for a guy who likes that I have a brain, but also likes that I make him laugh, enjoys my zany stories, and might even find it endearing when I get overwhelmed and interrupt myself without finishing the previous thought.
"So all I care about is where you went to college."
And commence Hulk Mode. I could never date a guy who only cares about where I went to college, I couldn't even be friends with someone who only cares where I went to college. I did go to a very good university, I even went to two good universities, but where I went to college does not define me. And I would never discriminate against others based on where they went to school. I'm less interested in what college a guy went to or what degree he got, I care more about whether he's constantly trying to learn about the world around him, if he's passionate about the work he does, if he's a caring and kind person who I am compatible with emotionally and intellectually. I'm looking for a guy who likes that I have a brain, but also likes that I make him laugh, enjoys my zany stories, and might even find it endearing when I get overwhelmed and interrupt myself without finishing the previous thought.
I like smart people, but to me smart isn't about a piece of paper from a university or an IQ number. And I really don't like people who use "being smart" as a weapon. The Know-It-Alls, the people who are always trying to prove how smart they are (or how dumb other people are), I find exhausting. I prefer life-long learners, the intellectually curious people who explore. And that's part of why I'm doing this experiment, because I'm hoping to find guys who say, "Hey that sounds interesting," "Why not?" and "That's something new and different, I'm in." Not someone who needs to see my resume before they know if they want to date me or not.
I know that part of why intellectual snobbery drives me crazy is that I have been very guilty of it in the past. I tested into GATE (Gifted And Talented Education) classes in 1st Grade (age 6), I graduated from high school and college with honors, i.e. I've been told that I'm smart for as long as I can remember. I used to think that Being Smart and Being Right were some of the most important things in life. It was only while traveling during a break from college that I realized that sometimes I was Being An Asshole because I prioritized Being Right over Being Kind. That brought about a paradigm shift for me, in which I realized how important it is to be kind. I realized how hurtful I could be to people I cared about because I so focused on Being Right. Being Kind doesn't mean I never correct anyone's spelling, grammar, or word choice, but I try to keep it to a) people I know, not strangers, b) if it's WAY off, not just a little, c) in a kind, gentle way ("I usually hear that word used as..." instead of, "Ugh, that word actually means...") and d) often only after asking ("Do you want feedback on what you wrote?"). Also key are being able to admit I'm wrong, and (gasp) when there's something I don't know. And then I usually look it up because I'm curious. :)
And yes, pointing out Mr. Anti-Candor's grammatical error was not the kindest thing to do, so Hulk says she's sorry and she has to go find some new pants (Hulk yoga pants?).
I know that part of why intellectual snobbery drives me crazy is that I have been very guilty of it in the past. I tested into GATE (Gifted And Talented Education) classes in 1st Grade (age 6), I graduated from high school and college with honors, i.e. I've been told that I'm smart for as long as I can remember. I used to think that Being Smart and Being Right were some of the most important things in life. It was only while traveling during a break from college that I realized that sometimes I was Being An Asshole because I prioritized Being Right over Being Kind. That brought about a paradigm shift for me, in which I realized how important it is to be kind. I realized how hurtful I could be to people I cared about because I so focused on Being Right. Being Kind doesn't mean I never correct anyone's spelling, grammar, or word choice, but I try to keep it to a) people I know, not strangers, b) if it's WAY off, not just a little, c) in a kind, gentle way ("I usually hear that word used as..." instead of, "Ugh, that word actually means...") and d) often only after asking ("Do you want feedback on what you wrote?"). Also key are being able to admit I'm wrong, and (gasp) when there's something I don't know. And then I usually look it up because I'm curious. :)
And yes, pointing out Mr. Anti-Candor's grammatical error was not the kindest thing to do, so Hulk says she's sorry and she has to go find some new pants (Hulk yoga pants?).
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