Why Guys Send Bad Messages, and a Key to Dating

As we wrapped up my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, one of his biggest surprises from the experiment was how many guys on OkCupid send bad/lame/boring messages.  He'd heard that guys send lame messages, but he was surprised that the majority of messages just said "hi" or "Hallo" or "how goes it" (sans question mark).  Since he puts a lot of thought and effort into the messages he sends to girls on OkCupid, he figured most guys did the same.  But that is not the case.

It was interesting for Greg, a man who uses OkCupid to meet women, to see what online dating is like from the female perspective and it gave him more empathy for women on OkCupid.  It also made him feel a bit better about messages he sends that don't get a response, because on the Matchmaker side he could see that sometimes the guy just wasn't a good match.  It wasn't that he was a bad guy or had sent a bad message, but he just wasn't a good fit.  (And sending a "Can a guy get a reply?" message, as one guy did this week, isn't going to help.)

As we talked about types of messages and getting responses, I noticed a word coming up: "human."  When a guy sent a message that showed he'd read my profile (instead of a copy & paste message) Greg felt like that guy was treating me like a human and trying to make a connection, and the guy seemed more human instead of a robot sending the same message over and over.

Greg said that when he's sent copy & paste messages it wasn't out of lack of respect, it was about self-defense.  We both can get emotionally attached to someone's online profile and when you spend a while crafting a message that doesn't get a response, it can be frustrating.  If he sends a form message, he doesn't get emotionally attached.  But then it lacks the humanity that he noticed reading impersonal messages.  It's about being vulnerable, which can be really difficult but also is important for connection.  If you haven't seen Brené Brown's TED Talk about The Power of Vulnerability, go watch it.  And then go buy one of her books.  Vulnerability is not something we particularly value in our society.  Especially as Americans, we value "strong" and "tough," and those are seen as mutually exclusive with "vulnerable."  Part of what I like about Brené Brown's work is that she shows that being vulnerable is not about being weak, it's about being real and honest (even in the title of her TED Talk: "The Power of Vulnerability").

This humanity/vulnerability issue taps into an idea I've been wanting to look at with Post-Modern Matchmaker: the goal of online dating is to create a connection, but I often find it to be frustrating, depressing, and alienating (as many others do).  So how can we make meeting people in the modern age more bearable, maybe even pleasant?

With or without an internet connection, how can we make meaningful human connections?

My solution was to add community: family and friends (and the blog).  It's definitely helped with some of the alienation, it is nice to be able to share the ups and downs and hear about other people's similar experiences.  Yet especially in the past few dates (Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date and Date #5: Smoothies, Unicorns, and Compatibility) I've been feeling the frustration again.  But the good news about the experiment is that each week we're trying new things and assessing what works and what doesn't.  Hopefully by the end of the experiment I'll have some answers, or at least more informed questions to ask!

Greg picked his 3 Matches:

• Bachelor #9: pretty sure his profile made me say "whoa" out loud.  Tall, smart, interesting, he says he's good at bear hugs and puns (all positives in my book).  Interestingly, he's in an open relationship with a girl he met on OkC.  Normally that would be a deal breaker for me, but in the experiment I think it's an interesting aspect to throw into the mix. 

• Bachelor #10: an Italian journalist who sent an initial message asking why I liked the movie Only Lovers Left Alive (on the profile I list is as my favorite movie of the year).  Greg sent a reply, and B#10 never replied to that message.

• Bachelor #11: he said he's "basically happy all the time," he does standup comedy, and his profile was fun and quirky.  He sent a message asking about the experiment, Greg sent a reply and he never replied. 

Greg and I were both kind of bummed that B#10 & B#11 were unresponsive, but B#9 and Greg had sent a few messages back and forth (and his messages were articulate and thoughtful).  Getting one really promising match seemed better than three lousy matches. 

B#9 and I talked on Sunday about setting up a date.  Greg had asked in a message what B#9 would suggest for a first date, and he had said going to a pizzeria.  But in a later email to me he said he had a better idea and suggested a sunset picnic at a lake nearby.  Two thumbs way up!  

I do think it's a bit funny because in the profile I'd written in the "You Should Message Me If" Section: "You enjoy a bit of romance, whether it’s a picnic in the park or watching the sunset."  It's more sappy than I'd usually get in a profile, but Greg really wanted to emphasize the romance/vulnerability in the profile.  And I thought it that was a good way to show that romance doesn't have to be fancy or expensive.  And unless it was a complete coincidence, B#9 read my examples of romantic dates and combined them.  I appreciate a guy who listens and is open to romance, so I think it's cute. 

But I don't think that being a flake is cute.  B#9 and I haven't communicated at all since Sunday, it's now Thursday and we planned a date for Friday (tomorrow).  Greg said I should text B#9 to remind him that we didn't set a time or meeting spot.  I probably will, but feel a bit annoyed and uneasy about it.  I've been noticing how much the communication leading up to a date indicates, in good ways (Date #5: Smoothies, Unicorns, and Compatibility) and bad (Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date).  Good pre-date communication feels like a sign of respect and consideration.  And it shows that you're thinking about the other person, that you're looking forward to seeing them.  Am I also resisting the vulnerability of sending him a text, possibly not getting a reply or getting a reply that he forgot about our date?  Yeah probably... which is why I'll send that text.  

However, dudes, I'm going on the record as saying: communication is key.  More than any door-opening or drink-buying, actually making a date (including time and location) is a really important part of being a good date and having a good date!

Edit: B#9 just texted me (Thursday evening), and did apologize for the lack of contact.  So I guess the date is on!

Week 5: Looking for Love...?

Usually at the start of Matchmaker weeks I have a phone call with the Matchmaker about how they think we should revise the OkCupid profile.  My brother Greg is the Matchmaker for Week 5, and we started a phone call to revise the profile but I had to leave for a concert (Andrew Bird at the Hollywood Bowl!).  Greg said he would write up what he thought should go in the profile, and I could look over it (we created a shared Google Doc because we're nerds).

Later that night I read over what he'd written.  In the last section of the profile, "You Should Message Me If," Greg had written:

"If you’re up for being part of a dating experiment where I really hope to fall in love."

I literally said "GAH!" out loud, like something had jumped out of my computer screen at me.  

And then I thought about it.  I mean...I guess I'm hoping to fall in love, generally.  It'd be great to find love/a serious relationship through the experiment, but I'm trying not to expect to meet the love of my life this way.  I don't want that to be the measure of the experiment, like if I meet "Mr. Right" then it's a success and if I don't meet "Mr. Right" the experiment was a failure (and I'm dying alone).  I feel like the experiment has already been beneficial: I'm learning about myself, my family and friends, dating, boundaries, compatibility, and more.  I hope that the experiment is not just educational for me, but can help the Bachelors and anyone reading the blog to think about and discuss dating/romance/love.  

So if I am (I guess...kinda sorta...) looking for love, should I say that I'm "really hope to fall in love" in a dating profile?  My first thought was that it would scare away guys, so it's interesting that my brother, a straight male who uses OkCupid, would be suggesting this.  We talked about it and he agreed that it might be a bit much.  He said he was trying to show vulnerability and emotion, because to him the blog was coming off like I was doing the experiment out of idle curiosity instead of a serious intention to find a relationship or love.  This surprised me, as I've tried to be very genuine and honest, and why would I date other than to find a relationship or love?  

Talking about the experiment with Greg reminded me that guys have many of the same concerns and suspicions about dating as women do.  I'm so used to the narrative that "women just want love" and "men just want sex" even though I know both of those aren't necessarily true (especially since I'm female and have a tough time saying I'm looking for love).  Greg said that some girls date out of boredom, or because they want guys to buy them things.  I usually date Project Guys, aka broke guys, so I've never understood dating to "get stuff," like fancy dinners or presents.  I've probably dated out of boredom, but I never want to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone.  I want to be with someone because I really like spending time with them, I like the way I feel around them, and I feel like we both help each other learn and grow.  And I think that's what most people want, regardless of gender.  

Revising the profile also showed that Greg and I sometimes see things SO differently.  Growing up we seemed like polar opposites: he had his nose in a book as much as humanly possible (even while walking or brushing his teeth), was a computer programmer and was on the Robotics Team; I was a writer, musician, and did every art form from theater to photography.  I felt like other people would try to put us in boxes: Greg was the "smart one" and I was the "creative one."  Luckily we never really bought into that and neither did our parents.  Greg and I are both smart, and both creative.  He enjoys creative endeavors: he's a designer as well as engineer, he goes to Burning Man every year and spins fire poi.  I also did well in school: taking AP & IB courses in high school, and graduating from high school and college with honors; I've even noticed that every Matchmaker's version of the profile says something about my brains.  As we've gotten older I see more of how similar Greg and I are, and how our different ways are two sides of the same coin.  

However, at times our differing viewpoints made revising the profile very challenging.  For example, Greg sees the phrase "dating experiment" as cold and uninviting, whereas I see it as fun and playful.  He's concerned that guys will see themselves as guinea pigs in the experiment, so he was often trying to emphasize vulnerability in the profile.  To me, the "experiment" part of it actually takes some of the stress off.  I'm a perfectionist, and when it comes to dating I get anxious about picking "the right guy" or "the right first-date outfit."  But an experiment is about trial and error: you try something, and if it doesn't work you try something else.  You don't have to get it right the first time, you learn and build your data set as the experiment progresses.  If the first round of an experiment doesn't go well, I doubt a scientist would eat a pint of ice cream and say they will never do an experiment again.  They'd figure out how to make the experiment better and try again. The experiment makes it easier for me to lean into the vulnerability, to see good dates or bad dates not as "success/failure" but learning opportunities about what makes a date "good" or "bad" and how to make dating the best possible experience for me and my dates.  

Greg is the first Matchmaker who has experience using OkCupid to message girls, so he had a unique perspective.  He was very focused on including details that a guy could send me a message about, because he gets frustrated by girls' profiles that don't give him good message opportunities.  For example, if the profile says I'm a "life-long learner" it doesn't give a guy much to send me a message about.  But if it says, "I’m a life-long learner - have you ever wondered where the phrase “get down to brass tacks” came from? I did too and asked the Google machine" then a guy can send me a message that asks "Where does the phrase 'get down to brass tacks' come from?"

I asked Greg about what kind of guy he thinks would be a match for me, and he said he didn't have a specific type of guy in mind.  After thinking for a bit he said, "Guys who are adventurous, at least somewhat stable and not particularly flakey...a little wild, but not to the point of being undependable."  I can agree with that.  I've definitely been with guys who are adventurous but not stable, and a few guys that are stable but not very adventurous.  Guys that are adventurous but stable, a bit wild but also dependable, seem to be hard to find.  

So let's go, OkCupid, give us your adventurous and stable!