Week 6: Tequila, Zombies, and Being High Maintenance

*This entry is rated PG-13 for some NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) language*

Matchmaker Week 6 started out with margaritas, a lot of honesty and laughter.  My friend Chelsea is the Matchmaker for this week, and she is like a sister to me.  We grew up together and one of the things I love about Chelsea is that she tells it like it is.  She calls me on my bullshit, and I know it's out of love.  I appreciate that my friends keep me honest with myself!

As we started talking about the experiment, we got to one of the things I hadn't been talking about at all in the blog, an elephant in the room: Attraction.

Physical attraction is a really important part of dating for me, so it may seem unusual that I wasn't talking about it.  The truth is that I haven't been attracted to most of the Bachelors, and I felt bad writing about not being attracted to them when I knew they could read the blog.  And there were always enough other aspects of compatibility that I could discuss so it seemed unnecessary to write, "He was really nice but I wasn't physically attracted to him so I would never date him."  I am, in the blog and life in general, trying not to be an asshole.  I don't need to date a male model (in fact, sometimes I find really attractive guys intimidating) but I want to date a guy that I like looking at and want to swap saliva with.  Is that too much for a girl to ask?  (No, it's not.)  So Chelsea wanted to figure out what I am attracted to and how we can convey that in a profile.

I realized that Chelsea had a very different outlook on OkCupid, and thus what a profile should be like, than last week's Matchmaker, my brother Greg.  Whereas Greg wanted to emphasize romance, vulnerability, and include as much detail as possible, Chelsea feels that it's better to keep a dating profile short and sassy.  We took out a lot of the details and added some sass, like "My friend Chelsea is the Matchmaker this week, so impress us both."  This is usually not at all what my dating profiles are like, and that's a really interesting part of the experiment!  My profile usually isn't as romantic/vulnerable as what Greg and I wrote either, and it's interesting to see who responds to different profiles and how they respond.

And it touches on another purpose of the experiment: looking at my usual approach to dating and why it doesn't yield the results I want.  In this case, it's that I tend to be the Chill Girl: I go with the flow, try to be as low-maintenance and easy-going as possible.  This means that a) I have a lot of great guy friends, and b) I get Friend Zoned a lot.  Some guys like the Chill Girl (one ex thought it was hot that I own my own drill), but a lot of guys don't want to date a girl who is one of the guys.  I love my guy friends, and believe that it's really great for guys and girls to have platonic friendships because it helps to see the other gender's perspective.  But I also at times have gotten sick of hearing from guys I'm interested in, "You're a cool girl, but..."

Part of Chelsea's dating philosophy is that if you really clearly express what you want/need, it's easier for someone else to fulfill that want/need.  I think there's a lot of validity in that, but where is the line between being clear about your wants/needs, and being demanding or (the dreaded) high-maintenance?

I've started reading different dating blogs lately, and I read an article called Why You Need to Start Being More High Maintenance on a blog called Matching Up, written by two Beverly Hills Matchmakers (not my standard reading material, and thus fascinating).  This article was saying that as women who are taught to be fit, beautiful, with great careers and exciting lives, "we are taught to be high maintenance with our lives," but being high-maintenance in relationships is vilified.  She goes on to say that it's important to have standards, be clear about expectations, and "If you are low maintenance, you will be treated as such." oof. But I see what she means. If I act like one of the guys, I'm likely to be treated as one of the guys. And she says that guys take cues from how a girl treats herself, and how she allows others to treat her. Part of having standards is feeling like you have a lot to offer someone and it's worth their time and effort to treat you well.

I'm not hoping that anyone calls me "High Maintenance" any time soon, but I do see that my Chill Girl ways often meant that my relationships were always on the guy's terms.  It's good for me to be more empowered in my relationships, to feel that I have a say in what my relationships look like and how I am treated (aka Boundaries).  I've found a key distinction between Boundaries and Being Guarded is communication, being clear with yourself and others about where your boundaries are.  Maybe that's a difference between Having Standards and Being High Maintenance: being able to communicate your expectations in a calm, clear way vs. expecting someone to read your mind or throwing a fit if someone doesn't meet your expectations.  Definitely food for thought.

Another way that Chelsea's Matchmaker week has pushed my comfort zone: she wanted new photos.  Specifically ones that show me smiling with teeth (I hadn't realized that all of my photos had closed-mouth smiles) and that show off my body a bit more.  Don't worry, Mom, nothing scandalous- but the photos on the profile were all pretty conservative.  And with the previously discussed Marketing of Online Dating: if you've got it, flaunt it (tastefully).

As often happens when I push my comfort zone, some weird/gross narratives pop up like zombies from shallow graves.  In this case, narratives like: "You can be hot OR smart, not both," or "If you show off your body, people won't respect you."  Which when it boils down to it, is the same as "She was asking for it," or the recent banning of yoga pants in schools because they are "too distracting."  The message is that women are responsible for however other people respond to their bodies and clothing.  If a guy says or does something that you don't like it was really your fault, he couldn't help himself.  This narrative is harmful to men and women.  It makes a woman's sexuality scary and dangerous, where women can't take agency or enjoyment from their own bodies, and men are "helpless" and have no control over their actions.  No one wins.  I don't consciously ascribe to these beliefs, and it's frustrating sometimes to find them buried in my subconscious.

But it's also not entirely surprising, because these narratives are embedded in our culture and my own life.  I remember being 12 years old and feeling like I had to pick between being a "pretty girl" or a "smart girl."  I was a bookish, slightly chubby brunette in a beach town where the standard of beauty was blonde and thin.  So I chose "smart girl," and when that baby fat turned into curves I generally tried to hide my body so no one would "think less of me."  For many years it was hard for me to understand that anyone even could be physically attracted to me.  And though I've made progress on my body issues, I'm definitely still working on it.  In order to take the pictures Chelsea was asking for, I felt I needed some liquid courage (tequila).  But I did take them, and I'm actually rather proud of them.  To push myself toward being pretty, feminine, playful, and even dare I say sexy, is definitely good growth for me.  And I definitely appreciate Chelsea for giving me a loving shove in that direction.

I'm also optimistic that as a society we are becoming more aware of the messages we're sending to young women and men about sex, bodies, and responsibility.  An article titled "Instead of Banning Yoga Pants, Schools Should Crack Down on Harassment" includes examples of female students posting signs around their schools protesting the dress codes.  My middle school banned spaghetti strap tank tops and I never thought of fighting it, much less with a sign that includes the statement, "I'm a fifteen year old girl.  If you are sexualizing me, YOU are the problem."  Fuck yeah, girl.  And articles like Yes, You Can Be a Gentleman and Have Great Sex (and the Good Men Project in general) show that men are also ready for these attitudes to change.  I encourage everyone to be conscious of the way we talk about people's bodies and sexuality, both other people's and your own.
And when those gross zombie narratives come up, don't be afraid to go all Shaun of the Dead.

Why Guys Send Bad Messages, and a Key to Dating

As we wrapped up my brother Greg's Matchmaker week, one of his biggest surprises from the experiment was how many guys on OkCupid send bad/lame/boring messages.  He'd heard that guys send lame messages, but he was surprised that the majority of messages just said "hi" or "Hallo" or "how goes it" (sans question mark).  Since he puts a lot of thought and effort into the messages he sends to girls on OkCupid, he figured most guys did the same.  But that is not the case.

It was interesting for Greg, a man who uses OkCupid to meet women, to see what online dating is like from the female perspective and it gave him more empathy for women on OkCupid.  It also made him feel a bit better about messages he sends that don't get a response, because on the Matchmaker side he could see that sometimes the guy just wasn't a good match.  It wasn't that he was a bad guy or had sent a bad message, but he just wasn't a good fit.  (And sending a "Can a guy get a reply?" message, as one guy did this week, isn't going to help.)

As we talked about types of messages and getting responses, I noticed a word coming up: "human."  When a guy sent a message that showed he'd read my profile (instead of a copy & paste message) Greg felt like that guy was treating me like a human and trying to make a connection, and the guy seemed more human instead of a robot sending the same message over and over.

Greg said that when he's sent copy & paste messages it wasn't out of lack of respect, it was about self-defense.  We both can get emotionally attached to someone's online profile and when you spend a while crafting a message that doesn't get a response, it can be frustrating.  If he sends a form message, he doesn't get emotionally attached.  But then it lacks the humanity that he noticed reading impersonal messages.  It's about being vulnerable, which can be really difficult but also is important for connection.  If you haven't seen Brené Brown's TED Talk about The Power of Vulnerability, go watch it.  And then go buy one of her books.  Vulnerability is not something we particularly value in our society.  Especially as Americans, we value "strong" and "tough," and those are seen as mutually exclusive with "vulnerable."  Part of what I like about Brené Brown's work is that she shows that being vulnerable is not about being weak, it's about being real and honest (even in the title of her TED Talk: "The Power of Vulnerability").

This humanity/vulnerability issue taps into an idea I've been wanting to look at with Post-Modern Matchmaker: the goal of online dating is to create a connection, but I often find it to be frustrating, depressing, and alienating (as many others do).  So how can we make meeting people in the modern age more bearable, maybe even pleasant?

With or without an internet connection, how can we make meaningful human connections?

My solution was to add community: family and friends (and the blog).  It's definitely helped with some of the alienation, it is nice to be able to share the ups and downs and hear about other people's similar experiences.  Yet especially in the past few dates (Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date and Date #5: Smoothies, Unicorns, and Compatibility) I've been feeling the frustration again.  But the good news about the experiment is that each week we're trying new things and assessing what works and what doesn't.  Hopefully by the end of the experiment I'll have some answers, or at least more informed questions to ask!

Greg picked his 3 Matches:

• Bachelor #9: pretty sure his profile made me say "whoa" out loud.  Tall, smart, interesting, he says he's good at bear hugs and puns (all positives in my book).  Interestingly, he's in an open relationship with a girl he met on OkC.  Normally that would be a deal breaker for me, but in the experiment I think it's an interesting aspect to throw into the mix. 

• Bachelor #10: an Italian journalist who sent an initial message asking why I liked the movie Only Lovers Left Alive (on the profile I list is as my favorite movie of the year).  Greg sent a reply, and B#10 never replied to that message.

• Bachelor #11: he said he's "basically happy all the time," he does standup comedy, and his profile was fun and quirky.  He sent a message asking about the experiment, Greg sent a reply and he never replied. 

Greg and I were both kind of bummed that B#10 & B#11 were unresponsive, but B#9 and Greg had sent a few messages back and forth (and his messages were articulate and thoughtful).  Getting one really promising match seemed better than three lousy matches. 

B#9 and I talked on Sunday about setting up a date.  Greg had asked in a message what B#9 would suggest for a first date, and he had said going to a pizzeria.  But in a later email to me he said he had a better idea and suggested a sunset picnic at a lake nearby.  Two thumbs way up!  

I do think it's a bit funny because in the profile I'd written in the "You Should Message Me If" Section: "You enjoy a bit of romance, whether it’s a picnic in the park or watching the sunset."  It's more sappy than I'd usually get in a profile, but Greg really wanted to emphasize the romance/vulnerability in the profile.  And I thought it that was a good way to show that romance doesn't have to be fancy or expensive.  And unless it was a complete coincidence, B#9 read my examples of romantic dates and combined them.  I appreciate a guy who listens and is open to romance, so I think it's cute. 

But I don't think that being a flake is cute.  B#9 and I haven't communicated at all since Sunday, it's now Thursday and we planned a date for Friday (tomorrow).  Greg said I should text B#9 to remind him that we didn't set a time or meeting spot.  I probably will, but feel a bit annoyed and uneasy about it.  I've been noticing how much the communication leading up to a date indicates, in good ways (Date #5: Smoothies, Unicorns, and Compatibility) and bad (Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date).  Good pre-date communication feels like a sign of respect and consideration.  And it shows that you're thinking about the other person, that you're looking forward to seeing them.  Am I also resisting the vulnerability of sending him a text, possibly not getting a reply or getting a reply that he forgot about our date?  Yeah probably... which is why I'll send that text.  

However, dudes, I'm going on the record as saying: communication is key.  More than any door-opening or drink-buying, actually making a date (including time and location) is a really important part of being a good date and having a good date!

Edit: B#9 just texted me (Thursday evening), and did apologize for the lack of contact.  So I guess the date is on!

Date #5: Smoothies, Unicorns, and Compatibility

I won't lie, after the previous date (Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date) I was a bit nervous to go on another date.  But I was definitely curious about meeting Bachelor #8 because he's the first Bachelor that a Matchmaker knew through real-life connections (turns out he's my cousin's friend's brother's best friend's brother, not just my cousin's friend's best friend's brother as I had previously thought).  The fact that it was through five degrees of separation (more than double my Bacon Number) made it even better.

The really good news was that Bachelor #8 and I got along well.  We talked on the phone a few times to schedule the date (he lives in San Diego, but was visiting family in LA), and texted in the interim.  After my frustration at the lack of communication from Bachelor #6 planning Date #4, I was impressed that Bachelor #8 found a happy medium of being in touch but not all up in my business.

A happy medium of communication was important this particular week because work took over my life.  I freelance in film & TV: this year I've worked on short films, commercials, PSAs, a TV pilot, a dance instructional video for kids, and you never know what the freelance life is going to throw at you.  But one thing is always the same: really long hours.  You're on set for at least 12 hours per day and most shoots take longer than scheduled, so I usually figure shoots will be 13-15 hours (not including travel time).  Last weekend I was working, so Saturday morning I was up at 4:30am for a 6:45am call time, and was headed home at 10:45pm that night (16 hour day, with a 45 min commute each way).  Sunday was similar hours (14 hour day with 45 min commute each way), and Monday we had a night shoot so I started work at 4:30pm and finished at 7am the next morning (16.5 hour day with 30-45 min commute each way).

I'm not complaining, I know I'm lucky to work in this industry, but people outside of the film industry often don't know how intense the work schedule can be.  Luckily my friends and family are very understanding about my erratic schedule, they know that I'll largely be out of communication when I'm working but I'll get in touch when I can.  Most of my friends work in film, and a friend even calls people who don't work in film "Unicorns" because they're so rare.

This week I've been wondering, could I date a Unicorn?
(Like this guy?)

B#8 is in fact a Unicorn: he works an office job with a regular Monday through Friday schedule.  He does cool, interesting work, but definitely very different from what I do.

This date made me think about different levels of compatibility, specifically for a first date vs. an actual relationship.

Compatibility Needed for a Good First Date:
1. A location you can meet at
2. An hour or two that works for both people's schedule
3. Some common interests and compatible senses of humor help

B#8 and I had decided to meet at a smoothie place (which turned out to be a good plan as it was 100 degrees outside), and we'd set a time (on a day I wasn't working and he was visiting his family in LA).  As we started chatting in person it was clear we had some common interests, we'd seen a bunch of the same TV shows and movies, and like some of the same music.  I think we have similar senses of humor, we at least weren't offending each other (unlike Date #4).  I enjoyed hanging out with B#8, and enjoyed the smoothie (he had kindly bought my smoothie for me, a chivalrous move).  We chatted for about two hours before either of us realized what time it was, and that we should go our separate ways.

As I was driving home I felt a bit down.  Why would I feel down when I just had a date that I enjoyed?  I realized I was having the same OkCupid experience I usually had before the experiment: meeting nice guys that I have some things in common with, but not enough compatibility to actually date.

So I started thinking about all the factors that need to line up for two people to really be relationship compatible.

Compatibility Needed for a Relationship: 
1. Mutual attraction
2. Geographic proximity
3. Compatible schedules
4. Compatible senses of humor
5. Compatible communication styles
6. Compatible moral codes
7. Compatible goals
8. At least some overlap in movies/TV preferences
9. Enough common taste in music for a road trip now and then

How about religion?  Politics?  Whether you want to have kids or not?  Dogs vs. Cats?  The list could go on forever.  It seems so daunting to me at times.  What's really essential for a relationship or what can you compromise on?

Honestly, if it weren't for the experiment this is probably the point where I would deactivate my OkCupid account and "focus on work" and "my relationship with myself" etc.  I think it's good that the experiment forces me to hang in there (although I am not slacking on work or "my relationship with myself").  I can stop the experiment whenever I want, of course, but there's already another Matchmaker week going (my brother Greg's week) and other Matchmakers lined up.  And I know the experiment is helping me learn and grow, so let's see where this adventure leads!

The experiment is teaching me to be more resilient: instead of giving up after a bad date or even after a good date that won't lead to a relationship, I assess, evaluate, and then keep going.  And I hope that reading this can help encourage you too.  Dating can be tough, relationships are tough, being single can be tough.  Some cliche about the journey, not the destination, right?

So chin up, and keep going!

Date #4: General Rules for a (Bad) First Date

I was a bit nervous about writing this, because…I had a bad date.

I try to keep this blog pretty positive but there isn't a good way to sugar coat this, unless I just wrote, “We saw Guardians of the Galaxy and I enjoyed the movie.  The End.”  But that won’t do. 

So here we go.

Bachelor #6 was one of my cousin Emily’s picks in Week 3.  After I let him know he was part of the experiment, he sent me an email saying he was done with electronic communication and wanted to meet me.  At the end of the email in parentheses was his phone number and “Calling me is very cool.”  I’m not a big fan of calling people I don’t know, but part of my goal with this experiment is to push my comfort zone.  So I called him and left a voicemail, then he called me and left a voicemail.  We played phone tag for a few days (also texting back and forth trying to set a time to talk).  When we finally did talk, he let me know that he was going out of town for a few days and didn't know his work schedule for the next week.  He suggested coffee or drinks and I suggested seeing the movie Guardians of the Galaxy, because I hadn't seen it yet and had heard it was really good.  He said that sounded good, and he would let me know when he knew his work schedule.

More than a week went by, and I figured that he was blowing me off.  I mentally started writing a blog post about how both Bachelors that week had flaked. 

When he texted me (nine days after we’d talked on the phone) with a few days that week that would work for him, I was rather surprised.  

It was a good reminder that: 

a) I’m not a very patient person and/or 

b) my life moves at a rapid pace, and 

c) I need to be with someone who shares or at least understands that pace 

(which did not seem to be the case with Bachelor #6) 

I know that easy-going guys can be good for me, but there’s a difference between easy-going and “Where’d you go?”

But I put aside my doubts, we picked a day and a theater, and he said he would see if he could get free tickets from work.  A few days later he texted me to say that he couldn't get free tickets to that theater but had tickets to another theater nearby, could we meet there?  This struck me as a bit odd, but I said sure.  

A week and a half after our initial conversation and the day before our date, we set a time to meet.  He suggested getting a beer at a nearby deli before the movie. Again, it seemed odd to me to get a drink at a deli but I was trying to go with the flow so I agreed. 

The next evening, half an hour before we’re scheduled to meet, I get a text from B#6.  He says that the deli we were supposed to meet at is closed, so he’s going to a bar nearby.  I’d gotten caught up in work and was running 10 minutes late, and he’s already there 30 minutes early.  Oof.  Definitely a mismatch.  

When I got there he was sitting outside and we went into the bar to get a drink for me (he already had one) but then gave up and went back outside to wait for a server.  After a while I went back into the bar on my own to get a drink.  When I returned with a beverage, we talked for a bit and got to know each other.  I mentioned that I do standup comedy nearby, and he said, "Are you funny?" and told me about his roommate who tried standup and bombed.  When I told him that I lived in rural Montana for a bit he said, "Isn't all of Montana rural?"  I told him no, there are cities in Montana, and he replied, "Are you sure?  Or did people just tell you there are?"  At this point it was very clear to me that we don't have compatible senses of humor, because I think he was trying to make a joke but it came across as very rude to me. 

He complained about where he lives and where he works, but said he's hoping his current job will lead to better opportunities.  When we talked about where I live he said that he’s never been to my neighborhood or the surrounding neighborhoods (young, hip(ster) parts of LA) and doesn't even know where they are exactly.  This surprised me, because most 20-somethings in LA at least know those neighborhoods a bit.  I asked how long he’s been in LA and he said a year and a half; he moved out here for the opportunities in music and then adds, “and also to get away from an awful relationship.”  

This date helped me come up with a list of what I consider some General Rules for First Dates:

1. Don’t talk about Exes (there can be exceptions, but if at all possible, just don’t). 
2. Don’t talk about religion or politics (current events conversations are ok, but definitely avoid rants).
3. Generally, avoid rants.
4. Don’t talk about money (especially not about how much you do or don’t make).
5. Don’t Be Greedy and Don’t Be Cheap: Don’t order the most expensive thing off the menu, and don’t seem like you’re unwilling to spend money on a date.  I usually offer to split the bill with a guy or buy my own drink, but I do see it as gentlemanly if a guy does pay. 
6. Try to be nice, pleasant, and easy-going: try to put your best foot forward on a date.  You don’t have to pretend that everything is sunshine and roses, but don’t be the voice of Gloom & Doom.

Because on this date, Bachelor #6 broke all of the General Rules for First Dates:

1. He talked about two different ex-girlfriends, or one ex-girlfriend twice, I didn’t clarify.
2. We talked a bit about religion but it was rather innocuous, the politics part was actually more off-putting.  When talking about the Venice boardwalk, he said that he isn’t a fan of Capitalism (I’m not either, really) and that he likes walking around with all the weirdoes in Venice because he’s actually one of them but he “can hide it better.”  Eep.
3. The rant…I’ll write a separate paragraph about the rant.
4. Multiple references to being broke (I don’t have a lot of money either, but I don’t need to talk about it much).
5. He referenced the free movie tickets before the date and during the date (he actually had to pay $4 total at the box office, and he did cover that). 
6. He complained about where he lived, where he worked, and lots of other things.  He generally seemed rather negative.

I was relieved when it was time to head to the theater.  We watched the movie, and I thought it was a really fun movie.  It was definitely the best part of the date.  

As we were walking out of the movie theater, I was treated to a diatribe:

He started talking about a tv show he was watching lately, maybe Californication, that was talking about how movies are dying.  He realized that they were right, he barely goes to the movies anymore and usually just watches shows.  (Just as a reminder, I am a filmmaker, as in movies are my business and my passion.)  So as he is droning about the death of my industry, I’m wondering why anyone would talk about such a thing on a date, much less a classical musician.  I'm forcing a smile and trying to get through the end of this date.  When I tune back in he’s talking about how long Wagner’s works were and he wonders if we’re moving in the direction of seeing longer works like that in theaters.  It takes every ounce of my self-control to keep my eyes from rolling. 

As we part ways, he said that maybe he’ll call me or maybe I’ll call him. 

Spoiler alert: I did not call him.

(And luckily he didn't call me either.)

It is interesting though to think about General Rules for First Dates.  I sometimes get anxious and feel like I don’t know how to date, but clearly I have certain ideas about how one is supposed to behave on a first date.  Other people might have different rules, does anyone want to suggest other General Rules for First Dates?  Or think my rules are unfair?  When I write them out, it seems like a lot of topics not to talk about.  But those are generally the rules I adhere to for polite conversation with strangers, which is really what a first date is: spending some time with a stranger to figure out if you'd like to get to know each other better.  

Bachelor #6 would likely have different First Date Rules, but this date made it abundantly clear that we're incompatible in many ways!  I don't know if it was the worst date I've ever been on, but it's in the Top 5.  At least the movie was good!  

Week 5: Looking for Love...?

Usually at the start of Matchmaker weeks I have a phone call with the Matchmaker about how they think we should revise the OkCupid profile.  My brother Greg is the Matchmaker for Week 5, and we started a phone call to revise the profile but I had to leave for a concert (Andrew Bird at the Hollywood Bowl!).  Greg said he would write up what he thought should go in the profile, and I could look over it (we created a shared Google Doc because we're nerds).

Later that night I read over what he'd written.  In the last section of the profile, "You Should Message Me If," Greg had written:

"If you’re up for being part of a dating experiment where I really hope to fall in love."

I literally said "GAH!" out loud, like something had jumped out of my computer screen at me.  

And then I thought about it.  I mean...I guess I'm hoping to fall in love, generally.  It'd be great to find love/a serious relationship through the experiment, but I'm trying not to expect to meet the love of my life this way.  I don't want that to be the measure of the experiment, like if I meet "Mr. Right" then it's a success and if I don't meet "Mr. Right" the experiment was a failure (and I'm dying alone).  I feel like the experiment has already been beneficial: I'm learning about myself, my family and friends, dating, boundaries, compatibility, and more.  I hope that the experiment is not just educational for me, but can help the Bachelors and anyone reading the blog to think about and discuss dating/romance/love.  

So if I am (I guess...kinda sorta...) looking for love, should I say that I'm "really hope to fall in love" in a dating profile?  My first thought was that it would scare away guys, so it's interesting that my brother, a straight male who uses OkCupid, would be suggesting this.  We talked about it and he agreed that it might be a bit much.  He said he was trying to show vulnerability and emotion, because to him the blog was coming off like I was doing the experiment out of idle curiosity instead of a serious intention to find a relationship or love.  This surprised me, as I've tried to be very genuine and honest, and why would I date other than to find a relationship or love?  

Talking about the experiment with Greg reminded me that guys have many of the same concerns and suspicions about dating as women do.  I'm so used to the narrative that "women just want love" and "men just want sex" even though I know both of those aren't necessarily true (especially since I'm female and have a tough time saying I'm looking for love).  Greg said that some girls date out of boredom, or because they want guys to buy them things.  I usually date Project Guys, aka broke guys, so I've never understood dating to "get stuff," like fancy dinners or presents.  I've probably dated out of boredom, but I never want to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone.  I want to be with someone because I really like spending time with them, I like the way I feel around them, and I feel like we both help each other learn and grow.  And I think that's what most people want, regardless of gender.  

Revising the profile also showed that Greg and I sometimes see things SO differently.  Growing up we seemed like polar opposites: he had his nose in a book as much as humanly possible (even while walking or brushing his teeth), was a computer programmer and was on the Robotics Team; I was a writer, musician, and did every art form from theater to photography.  I felt like other people would try to put us in boxes: Greg was the "smart one" and I was the "creative one."  Luckily we never really bought into that and neither did our parents.  Greg and I are both smart, and both creative.  He enjoys creative endeavors: he's a designer as well as engineer, he goes to Burning Man every year and spins fire poi.  I also did well in school: taking AP & IB courses in high school, and graduating from high school and college with honors; I've even noticed that every Matchmaker's version of the profile says something about my brains.  As we've gotten older I see more of how similar Greg and I are, and how our different ways are two sides of the same coin.  

However, at times our differing viewpoints made revising the profile very challenging.  For example, Greg sees the phrase "dating experiment" as cold and uninviting, whereas I see it as fun and playful.  He's concerned that guys will see themselves as guinea pigs in the experiment, so he was often trying to emphasize vulnerability in the profile.  To me, the "experiment" part of it actually takes some of the stress off.  I'm a perfectionist, and when it comes to dating I get anxious about picking "the right guy" or "the right first-date outfit."  But an experiment is about trial and error: you try something, and if it doesn't work you try something else.  You don't have to get it right the first time, you learn and build your data set as the experiment progresses.  If the first round of an experiment doesn't go well, I doubt a scientist would eat a pint of ice cream and say they will never do an experiment again.  They'd figure out how to make the experiment better and try again. The experiment makes it easier for me to lean into the vulnerability, to see good dates or bad dates not as "success/failure" but learning opportunities about what makes a date "good" or "bad" and how to make dating the best possible experience for me and my dates.  

Greg is the first Matchmaker who has experience using OkCupid to message girls, so he had a unique perspective.  He was very focused on including details that a guy could send me a message about, because he gets frustrated by girls' profiles that don't give him good message opportunities.  For example, if the profile says I'm a "life-long learner" it doesn't give a guy much to send me a message about.  But if it says, "I’m a life-long learner - have you ever wondered where the phrase “get down to brass tacks” came from? I did too and asked the Google machine" then a guy can send me a message that asks "Where does the phrase 'get down to brass tacks' come from?"

I asked Greg about what kind of guy he thinks would be a match for me, and he said he didn't have a specific type of guy in mind.  After thinking for a bit he said, "Guys who are adventurous, at least somewhat stable and not particularly flakey...a little wild, but not to the point of being undependable."  I can agree with that.  I've definitely been with guys who are adventurous but not stable, and a few guys that are stable but not very adventurous.  Guys that are adventurous but stable, a bit wild but also dependable, seem to be hard to find.  

So let's go, OkCupid, give us your adventurous and stable!

Week 4: Michael's High Standards

Last week I wrote about Knowing What You Want vs. Being Picky and now we have an example of being picky (and it's not a bad thing): this week my friend Michael, Matchmaker #4, didn't find any guys that were up to his standards.

At first this made me really nervous.  Couldn't we just look at the messages again and find the least offensive guy or two?

But then I actually heard what Michael was saying: he didn't find anyone who he thought would actually be a good match and seemed up for the experiment.  So why would I go on dates with guys that clearly don't seem like good matches?  Whoa, standards.

There were a few interesting things that happened with messages this week:
When Michael and I revised the OkCupid profile for this week, he wanted to add more specific biographical information, like where I grew up, went to school, places that I traveled to.  I thought this was interesting and might give guys some good conversation starters.

We also took out the intro paragraph that described the experiment, instead we added in the "You should message me if" section, "You're open to being part of a dating experiment called Post-Modern Matchmaker (my friend Mike is using the profile to be a Matchmaker for me this week)."  We thought that the long description at the start of the profile might have been scaring guys off, and one sentence later in the profile might yield some promising matches.

Instead, we got a lot of messages that just said, "Hi." or "How are you" (yes, sans question mark).

.facepalm.

Only one guy referred to the specific info we included, he sent a message that just said he'd gone to the same university I had.  Another guy sent a message that just said, "you remind me of my best friend Brandy."  Cool?  How is someone supposed to respond to that?  Pre-experiment I never responded to message that just say "Hi" or "How are you" because if a guy can't come up with something more interesting than that, I don't want to date him (also, punctuation is required).  When a guy sends a message that is just a statement (no questions), I also usually find it unappealing.  I've been on plenty of dates with guys who only talk about themselves and don't ask me any questions, so why respond to an OkCupid message that is basically the same thing?  With the experiment, when someone else is using the profile, it's even more awkward.  It's weird for the Matchmaker to send a message as though they're me, but when they send a message that it's the Matchmaker, guys don't usually respond.

One guy sent a message that said, "OKC keeps thrusting me on your direction so I thought I'd drop you a line and have a sample of your wit!:)"  I see that as saying "Make me laugh to convince me to be interested in you!" but Michael liked him so he sent a message to tell that guy about the dating experiment and if he had any questions about me Michael could answer them.  No response.

After several days with no matches that he liked, Michael suggested that I start using QuickMatch to rate some guys' profiles.  It's based on a 5 star system, and if you rate someone 4 or 5 stars OkCupid sends them a message saying that you like them.  If you both rate each other 4 or 5 stars, you both get a message.  We got some mutual 4 or 5 star ratings, but none of those guys sent messages.  Michael sent one of them a message explaining the experiment and seeing if he would be interested in meeting up.  No response.

Where are the adventurous men in LA?  I see so many photos on OkCupid of skydiving or Burning Man, are guys really that scared of a dating experiment?

Michael was also surprised by the response (or lack thereof).  He's been with his boyfriend for a while, but when he was single and on OkCupid guys sent more messages that seemed like they'd actually read his profile.  It seemed to him like people are putting less time and thought into messages than they used to.  I think it may be because of apps like Tinder and Grindr, in which messaging is more like instant messaging/texting, whereas OkCupid is more like email.  OkCupid does have an app, so if guys are basically using OkCupid like Tinder then sending a message that just says, "hi" makes a little more sense.  It's still annoying/boring.  The irony of so many forms of communication and less meaningful communication.

There was another interesting twist on the experiment this week: my cousin Emily (Matchmaker #3) has a friend whose younger brother's best friend lives in San Diego and she thought he might be interested in the experiment.  After reading the blog, he sent an OkCupid message this week, so we'll call him Bachelor #8.  It's a significant distance between LA and San Diego so I don't know how soon we'll be able to meet up, but I couldn't pass up a cousin's friend's brother's friend story.

It got me thinking about a variation on the experiment: I want to see if my friends and family would set me up with guys they know in real life.  So dearest family and friends reading this, if you know of a single guy in my age range who might be a good match, will you find out if he would be a part of the experiment?  If he is interested, let me know!  Online profiles are subject to the Marketing of Dating, and I'm very curious to see what kind of matches would happen when the matchmaker actually knows both people.  I have a few more Matchmakers lined up, but I'm hoping to move toward real life matches in a few weeks.

In other news, I'm still working on scheduling a date with Bachelor #6.  It's been almost two weeks.  I'm not a patient person!

Week 3: Knowing What You Want vs. Being Picky

My cousin Emily was the Matchmaker for Week 3, and when we were wrapping up her Matchmaker week I asked her if she has any dating advice for me.  She said a phrase that I've often heard, which most single people dread:

"You need to figure out what you want."  

I like to think I know what I want, I could write a page or two of qualities that I'm looking for in a guy.  But then I feel like people would tell me I'm "too picky."

Is that the fate of the single person, you "need to figure out what you want" but if you know what you want you're "too picky"?

I know some people get too focused on specific (often superficial) details.  If I'll only date brunette millionaire Harvard grads who are 6ft or taller, I'm significantly reducing the number of guys I can date (especially since I'm not in millionaire and/or Harvard social circles).  But if I want to date an emotionally mature, financially stable, kind, down-to-earth guy with a good sense of humor, am I being "picky"?  Where's the line between having standards and having a laundry list?

Emily said that she had been too picky, so a few years ago she decided to give everybody a chance and it helped her figure out what she really wanted.  She and her boyfriend had known each other for several years through friends and they initially didn't get along very well.  As they spent more time together she realized that she liked how she felt around him.  And he fit other criteria she had: physically active, independent, doesn't play games, and she didn't have to give up her high heels.

One goal of this experiment is to give guys a chance that I normally wouldn't.  But my dating history suggests that I could be a bit more discerning.  In the past 6 years of being "single" I've dated/been involved with a wide range of guys: hippies who lived in buses, anarchists, a writer/director, an accountant, a bartender, and a compulsive liar.  I was trying to be open to anything and along the way some standards developed: I will only date guys who live in a permanent structure (house, apartment, etc), no long-distance, must have compatible senses of humor, not bats#%t crazy.

I prefer to date guys that are taller than me, and some people seem to consider that "picky."  Is being "picky" about physical/superficial things?  But attraction is at least somewhat physical/superficial, and how much can we change what we're attracted to?  No one will match every quality you're looking for, but where is the line between compromise and settling?  How about the differences between the type of guys I say I want to date and the guys I actually get involved with?  Lots of questions to ponder...


At the end of her Matchmaker week, Emily picked two guys:

Bachelor #6 is a church-going music teacher who says he's a good listener (interestingly, he is from Georgia, where Emily currently lives).

Bachelor #7: Emily described him as a male version of me, in his profile he says he's "A witty, goofy, introspective, serious spaz."  Differences between us: he's 39 years old, one inch taller than me, and has a red "Jew-fro."

She said they both "seemed intriguing and not your normal choices, but not going to piss you off either."  I contacted both bachelors, and Bachelors #6 and I are working on scheduling a date.  Bachelor #7 has not responded, so the trend of one bachelor per week being a flake continues.  It is odd to me that it's such a high flake rate, but thankfully I just see it as a statistic of the experiment and I don't take it personally!

We also started a new Matchmaker Week!  The Matchmaker for Week #4 is my friend Michael.  He and I went to high school and part of college together, and traveled in Europe together during college.  He's the first male Matchmaker of the experiment, so we'll see how his perspective is different!

Date #3: A Classy Date with Bachelor #4

I always get nervous before dates.  Not as nervous as before a standup show, but I've been dating a lot longer than I've been doing standup.  As I was getting ready for my date with Bachelor #4 I thought to myself, "Wow, I feel less nervous than usual, maybe I'll get less nervous the more I date!"  But as I was driving to the date, the nervousness hit me at high velocity.  I was nervous that I hadn't been nervous enough, and now I was worrying all the worries I hadn't worried before.  Do I have spinach in my teeth?  What is my hair doing?  Should I have put lipstick on?  This brain does funny things sometimes...

Bachelor #4 had suggested a date at The Getty museum to see the James Ensor exhibit.  I'd never heard of Ensor, but a quick Google search showed colorful, interesting paintings and I love art museums.  B#4 is a fine art painter, and what better way to get to know a painter than to see an exhibit of a paintings he likes?

The really good news is that as soon as I met up with B#4, my nervousness dissolved.  He's really warm and friendly, and it almost felt like we already knew each other.  One of the first things I noticed was that B#4 had dressed up for the date.  Not overdressed, he was wearing a button down shirt, slacks, and his painting shoes.  It was a great mix: a bit formal but with personality.  I realized that most guys wear very casual clothes for dates these days, and it was nice that B#4 dressed up.  It made me feel like the date was important to him, he put thought and effort into how he looked (just like I put thought and effort into how I look for dates).

We went through the exhibit, taking our time, chatting about the art and Getting To Know You questions.  Conversation was easy, and we have a fair amount in common.  We talked about college (we'd both gone to the same university for a time but in different programs), our families (he's also close with his family), the work we both do, about Ensor and details of the art we were looking at.  I didn't feel like I was getting a lecture on Ensor or needed to prove my art knowledge, which was nice!

It was an in-depth exhibit and since we went through at a leisurely pace, the sun was going down as we emerged from the museum.  B#4 asked if I would like to get a drink and walk around the museum grounds, and I was impressed.  I'm so used to guys that at that point would've said, "So...uh...what do ya wanna do now?" but B#4 is not that kind of guy.  I said yes to a glass of wine, so he got our drinks and we found a nice overlook of the city.  From The Getty you can see nearly all of Los Angeles, from downtown to the ocean.  The sun had set but it was "Magic Hour" as it's called in film, and the last light of the day was reflecting off the walls of the museum.  It was a beautiful smoggy pink LA sunset, and it was quite romantic to stroll around the garden, chat and drink.

Eventually it was getting dark and we both realized we should get going.  It's funny, Bachelor #3 had suggested that I set time limits for dates so I'd planned to limit museum dates to 2 hours.  This date was definitely over two hours, but I hadn't noticed.  I was enjoying myself, and I wasn't exhausted after the date like I sometimes am!

But I haven't talked about one major way that B#4 is different from guys I usually date: he is my height, and I basically always date guys that are taller than me.  I come from a family of pretty tall guys (my dad is 6'4") so literally the bar was set high.  I wore flats for the date, as I would usually for a daytime date at a museum, and didn't think much of it on the date.  Later in the evening, however, I met up with friends for drinks and I wore 4" wedge heels, which are what I usually wear on evening dates.  I'm 5'7" barefoot, so I'm 5'11" in those heels.  If I dated a guy my height, would I stop wearing heels?  Would I mind?  Say he didn't mind if I wore heels and was 4" taller than him, would I be ok with it?  For all my non-conformist ways, the height issue has been one that I've remained fairly traditional on.

After the date I was making notes (I don't write these posts immediately after dates) and I realized a few things:

There was something old fashioned about the date and B#4, and I mean that in the best way possible.  Dressing up for a date, holding doors open*, suggesting we take a walk, buying the drinks, having real conversations about work and life, it reminded me of How Dating Used To Be and it was rather refreshing.  I've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of the Hangout/Hookup model and, like most of my peers, I'm over it.  Many of us don't really know how to date and this experiment challenges me to analyze the dates, look at what makes a good date or a bad date, why some guys are compatible and some aren't, and ways that I need to improve as a date.  Probably the most important thing that B#4 did, which is definitely old fashioned and good, is he was genuine.  I didn't feel like he was playing games or going through pre-set moves, I felt like he was Being a Gentleman because he is a gentleman, not as a means to an end.  The word that kept coming up for me was "classy." 

(*I've mentioned guys holding doors open several times, and I don't want it to come across as the end-all-be-all of Gentlemanliness.  I also hold doors open for other people, including guys.  But I appreciate the gesture, especially on dates.)

In Date #2 I found self-consciousness to be contagious and in Date #3 it seemed that B#4's calm energy was also contagious.  This may be partially because I am a very empathic person, but I think most people are more anxious around anxious people and calm around calm people.  It's interesting to keep in mind for dating.  I have observed, and have heard from family and friends, that I'm better with guys that are easy-going, calm, and confident.  

I really enjoyed the date and after making my notes I realized I wanted to let B#4 know.  I'm often impressed when guys send a followup text after a date, but I rarely send them.  I realized early on in the experiment that I tend to be rather reactive with guys, and I'm working on being more proactive.  So I sent B#4 a text thanking him for a classy date because they are rare these days.  He texted back that he'd enjoyed himself also.  We haven't talked about seeing each other again, but either way I really appreciate a classy date and what I learned.  Seeing an art exhibit and walking around twilit gardens is a lovely way to spend an evening, even more so with good company!

An OkCupid Message That Makes Me Want To Hulk Smash

I try to be a kind person, both in the metta sense and a general daily Golden Rule kind of way.
But sometimes, someone or something really bothers me, gets my goat, and ya know, makes me want to Hulk Smash...

We've had the new profile up for a few days, and I've noticed that we're getting different types of messages than we've seen in the experiment so far.  There are more clever messages, a few messages say "you seem like an interesting person," "a sweetheart," or "down to earth."  But there's also a few NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) messages, which we hadn't gotten before (even during Tracy's week).  All of it is interesting in the Marketing of Dating conversation, and eventually I may pull keyword data from each week.

But there's one message that really stood out.  The sender is 42 years old (the age range we set: 25-38) and the message is about 10 paragraphs long (584 words, 2,462 characters without spaces).  It starts like this:

"So you candor on your profile makes me worry that you are not really looking for a relationship or love, but for fodder for your stand up, blog, short films, what-have-you."

*(please note the typo ("So you candor"), it comes into play later)

I won't focus on one message often, but this was a great example of a type of guy I don't want to date and I can tell from the first sentence of his message.  I don't know what particular candor he is referencing, perhaps the description of the dating experiment at the beginning of the profile.  Regardless, if my candor in a dating profile is a problem, then you won't like me in real life.  You know how often people say, "Gee I wish people were less honest in their online dating profiles"?  Basically never.  I try to be a very honest person (honesty with tact, specifically) and I do not apologize for it.  Also, I am a writer/creative person/artist.  Everything is material.  I have a writer's brain that is always looking for funny and weird things, and then trying to figure out the funniest ways to write about it.  I know that may be strange to some people, but anyone who spends a lot of time around me should know that and the best ones embrace it.  

But this guy seems to say that because I'm so honest, he doubts my integrity.  And those are fighting words.  My integrity is very important to me, which is why all the details about the experiment are in the OkC profile (including the url for the blog), and I try to write about everyone involved in the experiment in the most fair way I can.  I ask permission from my family and friends before sharing their stories, and on the dates talk to the Bachelors about the blog.  I don't want anyone to feel misled or tricked.  This is not a cheesy Romcom and I'm not dating anyone because of a bet.  I'm trying to learn more about what kind of guys I'm compatible with, and get insights and wisdom from my friends and family about what kind of guys they think would be best for me.  If I meet my next boyfriend or my future husband through the experiment, great!  If I just meet new cool guys and learn things, that's great too!  If I can entertain others, and maybe make them think a bit, that's also excellent. 

Anyways, back to Mr. Anti-Candor.  He continues, "In terms of dating different guys. Here is my philosophy (which I touch on in my profile)."  And then he proceeds to Mansplain some things, make a bunch of assumptions about my taste in men, the type of guys I've dated in the past, and the type of guys my friends date (and all of his assumptions are incorrect and at times insulting).  He says, "So you want to think outside the box - don't go out with any white guys." (spoiler alert: he's not white.)  But wait, it gets better!  In his own words, he's "an intellectual elitist" and "I only am interested in women who are insanely smart and went to a top notch school."  (Remember the typo in the first sentence?  Color me unimpressed.)  In case I hadn't gotten his disdain for all womankind yet he includes "Sadly, based on the list of 'People's Sexiest Men Alive' women do not have the same standards" (right...because all men/society share his views on brainy women, which is why female rocket scientists are regarded as the most desirable women in the world.  OH WAIT.)

He ends his diatribe/OkCupid message by writing:

"So all I care about is where you went to college."

And commence Hulk Mode.  I could never date a guy who only cares about where I went to college, I couldn't even be friends with someone who only cares where I went to college.  I did go to a very good university, I even went to two good universities, but where I went to college does not define me.  And I would never discriminate against others based on where they went to school.  I'm less interested in what college a guy went to or what degree he got, I care more about whether he's constantly trying to learn about the world around him, if he's passionate about the work he does, if he's a caring and kind person who I am compatible with emotionally and intellectually.  I'm looking for a guy who likes that I have a brain, but also likes that I make him laugh, enjoys my zany stories, and might even find it endearing when I get overwhelmed and interrupt myself without finishing the previous thought.  

I like smart people, but to me smart isn't about a piece of paper from a university or an IQ number.  And I really don't like people who use "being smart" as a weapon.  The Know-It-Alls, the people who are always trying to prove how smart they are (or how dumb other people are), I find exhausting.  I prefer life-long learners, the intellectually curious people who explore.  And that's part of why I'm doing this experiment, because I'm hoping to find guys who say, "Hey that sounds interesting," "Why not?" and "That's something new and different, I'm in."  Not someone who needs to see my resume before they know if they want to date me or not.

I know that part of why intellectual snobbery drives me crazy is that I have been very guilty of it in the past.  I tested into GATE (Gifted And Talented Education) classes in 1st Grade (age 6), I graduated from high school and college with honors, i.e. I've been told that I'm smart for as long as I can remember.  I used to think that Being Smart and Being Right were some of the most important things in life.  It was only while traveling during a break from college that I realized that sometimes I was Being An Asshole because I prioritized Being Right over Being Kind.  That brought about a paradigm shift for me, in which I realized how important it is to be kind.  I realized how hurtful I could be to people I cared about because I so focused on Being Right.  Being Kind doesn't mean I never correct anyone's spelling, grammar, or word choice, but I try to keep it to a) people I know, not strangers, b) if it's WAY off, not just a little, c) in a kind, gentle way ("I usually hear that word used as..." instead of, "Ugh, that word actually means...") and d) often only after asking ("Do you want feedback on what you wrote?").  Also key are being able to admit I'm wrong, and (gasp) when there's something I don't know.  And then I usually look it up because I'm curious.  :)

And yes, pointing out Mr. Anti-Candor's grammatical error was not the kindest thing to do, so Hulk says she's sorry and she has to go find some new pants (Hulk yoga pants?).

Week 3 Matchmaker: Emily

The Matchmaker for Week 3 is my cousin Emily, who is like an older sister to me.  She lives in Atlanta and when I told her about the experiment she offered to be a Matchmaker.  She briefly tried online dating a few years ago and found the experience not very pleasant, and is currently in a long-term relationship.

Emily and I worked on revising the profile together because it was really important to her that I was comfortable with all the information on the profile.  The OkCupid profile questions also prompted interesting discussions we wouldn't normally have, like how I describe what I'm doing with my life, or what I spend a lot of time thinking about.

One of the things we discussed were specific words/interests that might attract certain types of guys.  I'd been hanging out with friends last week and discussing the dating experiment and online dating.  One guy said that in the "You should message me if" section of his profile he wrote, "You still get excited when you see a lizard on a hike" because then it appeals to girls that a) hike, b) get excited about things, and c) think that lizards are cool.  When Emily and I were working on the "Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food" section (far too many topics for one category in my opinion) we were talking about TV shows and I said, "I don't even have a TV or cable, I just have a projector and watch Netflix and Hulu."  Emily said, "Write exactly that!" because it would appeal to other film nerds/tech savvy/non-mainstream guys.  It had never occurred to me to write in an online dating profile that I have a projector, but Emily's logic makes sense!

One of the best parts about having someone's help writing an OkCupid profile is the "I'm really good at" section.  Most people hate filling this out for themselves, but I get to have other people do the bragging for me!  Emily's answer was heart-warming for me, she said:
"Loving life. It sounds cheesy but you're someone who figures out how to love your life and if you don't like something you fix it."  
It's so meaningful to me because that's exactly the type of person that I try to be, so it's really encouraging for someone who's known me my whole life to describe me that way!  It's also important because it's also the type of person I want to be with.  One of my biggest pet peeves is when people complain about things but don't do anything to change/improve what they're complaining about.  We all need to vent at times, but as the Serenity Prayer says:
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference."  (I'm not in AA, I just like how succinct the Serenity Prayer is.)

Another change we made to the profile this week was adding a photo of me with my parents and brother.  I don't think I'd ever had a family photo on a dating profile before, but Emily and I both like the photo (it's fun, playful photos from a photobooth) and I'm curious to see if it changes the response at all.  I'm close with my family and would prefer to date someone who is at least on good terms with their family, so a family photo could help cue that.

I'm really glad to have the balance of family members and friends as Matchmakers, I think it helps give different perspectives on me and dating.  And I like the new version of the profile we came up with, it combines parts of the profile I was using before the experiment (which was rather tongue-in-cheek and sometimes a bit absurd) with the softer, more sincere tone that we'd had in the profile Week 1 and 2.

After last week I've been a bit concerned about whether we'll get enough of a response or not, but we are getting some messages.  I've wondered if having a full description of the experiment at the very beginning of the profile is a deterrent, and in future weeks may want to explore editing that down.  I don't think I want to take all mentions of the experiment out entirely, but it's definitely a variable to play with in future weeks!

Update on Week 2 Bachelors, we'll call them Bachelor #4 and Bachelor #5:
Bachelor #4 sent me an email and we're setting up a date (he even read some of the blog, which the other Bachelors hadn't before the date).

Bachelor #5 is MIA.  Interestingly, that's one guy per week that has flaked (Bachelor #2 rain checked due to health problems but hasn't emailed since).  People flake a lot in online dating, so it makes sense that it's part of the experiment too.  I even used to say in my profile that I don't like literally or figuratively flakey people!  Bachelor #5 had sent a rather generic message and didn't respond to the message we sent letting him know Tracy had selected him, so I'm not sure if he'd read the profile at all.  According to OkCupid we are a 77% Match and 20% Enemy (which is a high Enemy percentage) so maybe it's for the best.  I'm keeping track of each of the Bachelors and their OkC Match % and Enemy %, we'll see if that yields any interesting data!