Week 5: Looking for Love...?

Usually at the start of Matchmaker weeks I have a phone call with the Matchmaker about how they think we should revise the OkCupid profile.  My brother Greg is the Matchmaker for Week 5, and we started a phone call to revise the profile but I had to leave for a concert (Andrew Bird at the Hollywood Bowl!).  Greg said he would write up what he thought should go in the profile, and I could look over it (we created a shared Google Doc because we're nerds).

Later that night I read over what he'd written.  In the last section of the profile, "You Should Message Me If," Greg had written:

"If you’re up for being part of a dating experiment where I really hope to fall in love."

I literally said "GAH!" out loud, like something had jumped out of my computer screen at me.  

And then I thought about it.  I mean...I guess I'm hoping to fall in love, generally.  It'd be great to find love/a serious relationship through the experiment, but I'm trying not to expect to meet the love of my life this way.  I don't want that to be the measure of the experiment, like if I meet "Mr. Right" then it's a success and if I don't meet "Mr. Right" the experiment was a failure (and I'm dying alone).  I feel like the experiment has already been beneficial: I'm learning about myself, my family and friends, dating, boundaries, compatibility, and more.  I hope that the experiment is not just educational for me, but can help the Bachelors and anyone reading the blog to think about and discuss dating/romance/love.  

So if I am (I guess...kinda sorta...) looking for love, should I say that I'm "really hope to fall in love" in a dating profile?  My first thought was that it would scare away guys, so it's interesting that my brother, a straight male who uses OkCupid, would be suggesting this.  We talked about it and he agreed that it might be a bit much.  He said he was trying to show vulnerability and emotion, because to him the blog was coming off like I was doing the experiment out of idle curiosity instead of a serious intention to find a relationship or love.  This surprised me, as I've tried to be very genuine and honest, and why would I date other than to find a relationship or love?  

Talking about the experiment with Greg reminded me that guys have many of the same concerns and suspicions about dating as women do.  I'm so used to the narrative that "women just want love" and "men just want sex" even though I know both of those aren't necessarily true (especially since I'm female and have a tough time saying I'm looking for love).  Greg said that some girls date out of boredom, or because they want guys to buy them things.  I usually date Project Guys, aka broke guys, so I've never understood dating to "get stuff," like fancy dinners or presents.  I've probably dated out of boredom, but I never want to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone.  I want to be with someone because I really like spending time with them, I like the way I feel around them, and I feel like we both help each other learn and grow.  And I think that's what most people want, regardless of gender.  

Revising the profile also showed that Greg and I sometimes see things SO differently.  Growing up we seemed like polar opposites: he had his nose in a book as much as humanly possible (even while walking or brushing his teeth), was a computer programmer and was on the Robotics Team; I was a writer, musician, and did every art form from theater to photography.  I felt like other people would try to put us in boxes: Greg was the "smart one" and I was the "creative one."  Luckily we never really bought into that and neither did our parents.  Greg and I are both smart, and both creative.  He enjoys creative endeavors: he's a designer as well as engineer, he goes to Burning Man every year and spins fire poi.  I also did well in school: taking AP & IB courses in high school, and graduating from high school and college with honors; I've even noticed that every Matchmaker's version of the profile says something about my brains.  As we've gotten older I see more of how similar Greg and I are, and how our different ways are two sides of the same coin.  

However, at times our differing viewpoints made revising the profile very challenging.  For example, Greg sees the phrase "dating experiment" as cold and uninviting, whereas I see it as fun and playful.  He's concerned that guys will see themselves as guinea pigs in the experiment, so he was often trying to emphasize vulnerability in the profile.  To me, the "experiment" part of it actually takes some of the stress off.  I'm a perfectionist, and when it comes to dating I get anxious about picking "the right guy" or "the right first-date outfit."  But an experiment is about trial and error: you try something, and if it doesn't work you try something else.  You don't have to get it right the first time, you learn and build your data set as the experiment progresses.  If the first round of an experiment doesn't go well, I doubt a scientist would eat a pint of ice cream and say they will never do an experiment again.  They'd figure out how to make the experiment better and try again. The experiment makes it easier for me to lean into the vulnerability, to see good dates or bad dates not as "success/failure" but learning opportunities about what makes a date "good" or "bad" and how to make dating the best possible experience for me and my dates.  

Greg is the first Matchmaker who has experience using OkCupid to message girls, so he had a unique perspective.  He was very focused on including details that a guy could send me a message about, because he gets frustrated by girls' profiles that don't give him good message opportunities.  For example, if the profile says I'm a "life-long learner" it doesn't give a guy much to send me a message about.  But if it says, "I’m a life-long learner - have you ever wondered where the phrase “get down to brass tacks” came from? I did too and asked the Google machine" then a guy can send me a message that asks "Where does the phrase 'get down to brass tacks' come from?"

I asked Greg about what kind of guy he thinks would be a match for me, and he said he didn't have a specific type of guy in mind.  After thinking for a bit he said, "Guys who are adventurous, at least somewhat stable and not particularly flakey...a little wild, but not to the point of being undependable."  I can agree with that.  I've definitely been with guys who are adventurous but not stable, and a few guys that are stable but not very adventurous.  Guys that are adventurous but stable, a bit wild but also dependable, seem to be hard to find.  

So let's go, OkCupid, give us your adventurous and stable!

Week 4: Michael's High Standards

Last week I wrote about Knowing What You Want vs. Being Picky and now we have an example of being picky (and it's not a bad thing): this week my friend Michael, Matchmaker #4, didn't find any guys that were up to his standards.

At first this made me really nervous.  Couldn't we just look at the messages again and find the least offensive guy or two?

But then I actually heard what Michael was saying: he didn't find anyone who he thought would actually be a good match and seemed up for the experiment.  So why would I go on dates with guys that clearly don't seem like good matches?  Whoa, standards.

There were a few interesting things that happened with messages this week:
When Michael and I revised the OkCupid profile for this week, he wanted to add more specific biographical information, like where I grew up, went to school, places that I traveled to.  I thought this was interesting and might give guys some good conversation starters.

We also took out the intro paragraph that described the experiment, instead we added in the "You should message me if" section, "You're open to being part of a dating experiment called Post-Modern Matchmaker (my friend Mike is using the profile to be a Matchmaker for me this week)."  We thought that the long description at the start of the profile might have been scaring guys off, and one sentence later in the profile might yield some promising matches.

Instead, we got a lot of messages that just said, "Hi." or "How are you" (yes, sans question mark).

.facepalm.

Only one guy referred to the specific info we included, he sent a message that just said he'd gone to the same university I had.  Another guy sent a message that just said, "you remind me of my best friend Brandy."  Cool?  How is someone supposed to respond to that?  Pre-experiment I never responded to message that just say "Hi" or "How are you" because if a guy can't come up with something more interesting than that, I don't want to date him (also, punctuation is required).  When a guy sends a message that is just a statement (no questions), I also usually find it unappealing.  I've been on plenty of dates with guys who only talk about themselves and don't ask me any questions, so why respond to an OkCupid message that is basically the same thing?  With the experiment, when someone else is using the profile, it's even more awkward.  It's weird for the Matchmaker to send a message as though they're me, but when they send a message that it's the Matchmaker, guys don't usually respond.

One guy sent a message that said, "OKC keeps thrusting me on your direction so I thought I'd drop you a line and have a sample of your wit!:)"  I see that as saying "Make me laugh to convince me to be interested in you!" but Michael liked him so he sent a message to tell that guy about the dating experiment and if he had any questions about me Michael could answer them.  No response.

After several days with no matches that he liked, Michael suggested that I start using QuickMatch to rate some guys' profiles.  It's based on a 5 star system, and if you rate someone 4 or 5 stars OkCupid sends them a message saying that you like them.  If you both rate each other 4 or 5 stars, you both get a message.  We got some mutual 4 or 5 star ratings, but none of those guys sent messages.  Michael sent one of them a message explaining the experiment and seeing if he would be interested in meeting up.  No response.

Where are the adventurous men in LA?  I see so many photos on OkCupid of skydiving or Burning Man, are guys really that scared of a dating experiment?

Michael was also surprised by the response (or lack thereof).  He's been with his boyfriend for a while, but when he was single and on OkCupid guys sent more messages that seemed like they'd actually read his profile.  It seemed to him like people are putting less time and thought into messages than they used to.  I think it may be because of apps like Tinder and Grindr, in which messaging is more like instant messaging/texting, whereas OkCupid is more like email.  OkCupid does have an app, so if guys are basically using OkCupid like Tinder then sending a message that just says, "hi" makes a little more sense.  It's still annoying/boring.  The irony of so many forms of communication and less meaningful communication.

There was another interesting twist on the experiment this week: my cousin Emily (Matchmaker #3) has a friend whose younger brother's best friend lives in San Diego and she thought he might be interested in the experiment.  After reading the blog, he sent an OkCupid message this week, so we'll call him Bachelor #8.  It's a significant distance between LA and San Diego so I don't know how soon we'll be able to meet up, but I couldn't pass up a cousin's friend's brother's friend story.

It got me thinking about a variation on the experiment: I want to see if my friends and family would set me up with guys they know in real life.  So dearest family and friends reading this, if you know of a single guy in my age range who might be a good match, will you find out if he would be a part of the experiment?  If he is interested, let me know!  Online profiles are subject to the Marketing of Dating, and I'm very curious to see what kind of matches would happen when the matchmaker actually knows both people.  I have a few more Matchmakers lined up, but I'm hoping to move toward real life matches in a few weeks.

In other news, I'm still working on scheduling a date with Bachelor #6.  It's been almost two weeks.  I'm not a patient person!

Week 3: Knowing What You Want vs. Being Picky

My cousin Emily was the Matchmaker for Week 3, and when we were wrapping up her Matchmaker week I asked her if she has any dating advice for me.  She said a phrase that I've often heard, which most single people dread:

"You need to figure out what you want."  

I like to think I know what I want, I could write a page or two of qualities that I'm looking for in a guy.  But then I feel like people would tell me I'm "too picky."

Is that the fate of the single person, you "need to figure out what you want" but if you know what you want you're "too picky"?

I know some people get too focused on specific (often superficial) details.  If I'll only date brunette millionaire Harvard grads who are 6ft or taller, I'm significantly reducing the number of guys I can date (especially since I'm not in millionaire and/or Harvard social circles).  But if I want to date an emotionally mature, financially stable, kind, down-to-earth guy with a good sense of humor, am I being "picky"?  Where's the line between having standards and having a laundry list?

Emily said that she had been too picky, so a few years ago she decided to give everybody a chance and it helped her figure out what she really wanted.  She and her boyfriend had known each other for several years through friends and they initially didn't get along very well.  As they spent more time together she realized that she liked how she felt around him.  And he fit other criteria she had: physically active, independent, doesn't play games, and she didn't have to give up her high heels.

One goal of this experiment is to give guys a chance that I normally wouldn't.  But my dating history suggests that I could be a bit more discerning.  In the past 6 years of being "single" I've dated/been involved with a wide range of guys: hippies who lived in buses, anarchists, a writer/director, an accountant, a bartender, and a compulsive liar.  I was trying to be open to anything and along the way some standards developed: I will only date guys who live in a permanent structure (house, apartment, etc), no long-distance, must have compatible senses of humor, not bats#%t crazy.

I prefer to date guys that are taller than me, and some people seem to consider that "picky."  Is being "picky" about physical/superficial things?  But attraction is at least somewhat physical/superficial, and how much can we change what we're attracted to?  No one will match every quality you're looking for, but where is the line between compromise and settling?  How about the differences between the type of guys I say I want to date and the guys I actually get involved with?  Lots of questions to ponder...


At the end of her Matchmaker week, Emily picked two guys:

Bachelor #6 is a church-going music teacher who says he's a good listener (interestingly, he is from Georgia, where Emily currently lives).

Bachelor #7: Emily described him as a male version of me, in his profile he says he's "A witty, goofy, introspective, serious spaz."  Differences between us: he's 39 years old, one inch taller than me, and has a red "Jew-fro."

She said they both "seemed intriguing and not your normal choices, but not going to piss you off either."  I contacted both bachelors, and Bachelors #6 and I are working on scheduling a date.  Bachelor #7 has not responded, so the trend of one bachelor per week being a flake continues.  It is odd to me that it's such a high flake rate, but thankfully I just see it as a statistic of the experiment and I don't take it personally!

We also started a new Matchmaker Week!  The Matchmaker for Week #4 is my friend Michael.  He and I went to high school and part of college together, and traveled in Europe together during college.  He's the first male Matchmaker of the experiment, so we'll see how his perspective is different!

Date #3: A Classy Date with Bachelor #4

I always get nervous before dates.  Not as nervous as before a standup show, but I've been dating a lot longer than I've been doing standup.  As I was getting ready for my date with Bachelor #4 I thought to myself, "Wow, I feel less nervous than usual, maybe I'll get less nervous the more I date!"  But as I was driving to the date, the nervousness hit me at high velocity.  I was nervous that I hadn't been nervous enough, and now I was worrying all the worries I hadn't worried before.  Do I have spinach in my teeth?  What is my hair doing?  Should I have put lipstick on?  This brain does funny things sometimes...

Bachelor #4 had suggested a date at The Getty museum to see the James Ensor exhibit.  I'd never heard of Ensor, but a quick Google search showed colorful, interesting paintings and I love art museums.  B#4 is a fine art painter, and what better way to get to know a painter than to see an exhibit of a paintings he likes?

The really good news is that as soon as I met up with B#4, my nervousness dissolved.  He's really warm and friendly, and it almost felt like we already knew each other.  One of the first things I noticed was that B#4 had dressed up for the date.  Not overdressed, he was wearing a button down shirt, slacks, and his painting shoes.  It was a great mix: a bit formal but with personality.  I realized that most guys wear very casual clothes for dates these days, and it was nice that B#4 dressed up.  It made me feel like the date was important to him, he put thought and effort into how he looked (just like I put thought and effort into how I look for dates).

We went through the exhibit, taking our time, chatting about the art and Getting To Know You questions.  Conversation was easy, and we have a fair amount in common.  We talked about college (we'd both gone to the same university for a time but in different programs), our families (he's also close with his family), the work we both do, about Ensor and details of the art we were looking at.  I didn't feel like I was getting a lecture on Ensor or needed to prove my art knowledge, which was nice!

It was an in-depth exhibit and since we went through at a leisurely pace, the sun was going down as we emerged from the museum.  B#4 asked if I would like to get a drink and walk around the museum grounds, and I was impressed.  I'm so used to guys that at that point would've said, "So...uh...what do ya wanna do now?" but B#4 is not that kind of guy.  I said yes to a glass of wine, so he got our drinks and we found a nice overlook of the city.  From The Getty you can see nearly all of Los Angeles, from downtown to the ocean.  The sun had set but it was "Magic Hour" as it's called in film, and the last light of the day was reflecting off the walls of the museum.  It was a beautiful smoggy pink LA sunset, and it was quite romantic to stroll around the garden, chat and drink.

Eventually it was getting dark and we both realized we should get going.  It's funny, Bachelor #3 had suggested that I set time limits for dates so I'd planned to limit museum dates to 2 hours.  This date was definitely over two hours, but I hadn't noticed.  I was enjoying myself, and I wasn't exhausted after the date like I sometimes am!

But I haven't talked about one major way that B#4 is different from guys I usually date: he is my height, and I basically always date guys that are taller than me.  I come from a family of pretty tall guys (my dad is 6'4") so literally the bar was set high.  I wore flats for the date, as I would usually for a daytime date at a museum, and didn't think much of it on the date.  Later in the evening, however, I met up with friends for drinks and I wore 4" wedge heels, which are what I usually wear on evening dates.  I'm 5'7" barefoot, so I'm 5'11" in those heels.  If I dated a guy my height, would I stop wearing heels?  Would I mind?  Say he didn't mind if I wore heels and was 4" taller than him, would I be ok with it?  For all my non-conformist ways, the height issue has been one that I've remained fairly traditional on.

After the date I was making notes (I don't write these posts immediately after dates) and I realized a few things:

There was something old fashioned about the date and B#4, and I mean that in the best way possible.  Dressing up for a date, holding doors open*, suggesting we take a walk, buying the drinks, having real conversations about work and life, it reminded me of How Dating Used To Be and it was rather refreshing.  I've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of the Hangout/Hookup model and, like most of my peers, I'm over it.  Many of us don't really know how to date and this experiment challenges me to analyze the dates, look at what makes a good date or a bad date, why some guys are compatible and some aren't, and ways that I need to improve as a date.  Probably the most important thing that B#4 did, which is definitely old fashioned and good, is he was genuine.  I didn't feel like he was playing games or going through pre-set moves, I felt like he was Being a Gentleman because he is a gentleman, not as a means to an end.  The word that kept coming up for me was "classy." 

(*I've mentioned guys holding doors open several times, and I don't want it to come across as the end-all-be-all of Gentlemanliness.  I also hold doors open for other people, including guys.  But I appreciate the gesture, especially on dates.)

In Date #2 I found self-consciousness to be contagious and in Date #3 it seemed that B#4's calm energy was also contagious.  This may be partially because I am a very empathic person, but I think most people are more anxious around anxious people and calm around calm people.  It's interesting to keep in mind for dating.  I have observed, and have heard from family and friends, that I'm better with guys that are easy-going, calm, and confident.  

I really enjoyed the date and after making my notes I realized I wanted to let B#4 know.  I'm often impressed when guys send a followup text after a date, but I rarely send them.  I realized early on in the experiment that I tend to be rather reactive with guys, and I'm working on being more proactive.  So I sent B#4 a text thanking him for a classy date because they are rare these days.  He texted back that he'd enjoyed himself also.  We haven't talked about seeing each other again, but either way I really appreciate a classy date and what I learned.  Seeing an art exhibit and walking around twilit gardens is a lovely way to spend an evening, even more so with good company!

An OkCupid Message That Makes Me Want To Hulk Smash

I try to be a kind person, both in the metta sense and a general daily Golden Rule kind of way.
But sometimes, someone or something really bothers me, gets my goat, and ya know, makes me want to Hulk Smash...

We've had the new profile up for a few days, and I've noticed that we're getting different types of messages than we've seen in the experiment so far.  There are more clever messages, a few messages say "you seem like an interesting person," "a sweetheart," or "down to earth."  But there's also a few NSFM (Not Safe For Mom) messages, which we hadn't gotten before (even during Tracy's week).  All of it is interesting in the Marketing of Dating conversation, and eventually I may pull keyword data from each week.

But there's one message that really stood out.  The sender is 42 years old (the age range we set: 25-38) and the message is about 10 paragraphs long (584 words, 2,462 characters without spaces).  It starts like this:

"So you candor on your profile makes me worry that you are not really looking for a relationship or love, but for fodder for your stand up, blog, short films, what-have-you."

*(please note the typo ("So you candor"), it comes into play later)

I won't focus on one message often, but this was a great example of a type of guy I don't want to date and I can tell from the first sentence of his message.  I don't know what particular candor he is referencing, perhaps the description of the dating experiment at the beginning of the profile.  Regardless, if my candor in a dating profile is a problem, then you won't like me in real life.  You know how often people say, "Gee I wish people were less honest in their online dating profiles"?  Basically never.  I try to be a very honest person (honesty with tact, specifically) and I do not apologize for it.  Also, I am a writer/creative person/artist.  Everything is material.  I have a writer's brain that is always looking for funny and weird things, and then trying to figure out the funniest ways to write about it.  I know that may be strange to some people, but anyone who spends a lot of time around me should know that and the best ones embrace it.  

But this guy seems to say that because I'm so honest, he doubts my integrity.  And those are fighting words.  My integrity is very important to me, which is why all the details about the experiment are in the OkC profile (including the url for the blog), and I try to write about everyone involved in the experiment in the most fair way I can.  I ask permission from my family and friends before sharing their stories, and on the dates talk to the Bachelors about the blog.  I don't want anyone to feel misled or tricked.  This is not a cheesy Romcom and I'm not dating anyone because of a bet.  I'm trying to learn more about what kind of guys I'm compatible with, and get insights and wisdom from my friends and family about what kind of guys they think would be best for me.  If I meet my next boyfriend or my future husband through the experiment, great!  If I just meet new cool guys and learn things, that's great too!  If I can entertain others, and maybe make them think a bit, that's also excellent. 

Anyways, back to Mr. Anti-Candor.  He continues, "In terms of dating different guys. Here is my philosophy (which I touch on in my profile)."  And then he proceeds to Mansplain some things, make a bunch of assumptions about my taste in men, the type of guys I've dated in the past, and the type of guys my friends date (and all of his assumptions are incorrect and at times insulting).  He says, "So you want to think outside the box - don't go out with any white guys." (spoiler alert: he's not white.)  But wait, it gets better!  In his own words, he's "an intellectual elitist" and "I only am interested in women who are insanely smart and went to a top notch school."  (Remember the typo in the first sentence?  Color me unimpressed.)  In case I hadn't gotten his disdain for all womankind yet he includes "Sadly, based on the list of 'People's Sexiest Men Alive' women do not have the same standards" (right...because all men/society share his views on brainy women, which is why female rocket scientists are regarded as the most desirable women in the world.  OH WAIT.)

He ends his diatribe/OkCupid message by writing:

"So all I care about is where you went to college."

And commence Hulk Mode.  I could never date a guy who only cares about where I went to college, I couldn't even be friends with someone who only cares where I went to college.  I did go to a very good university, I even went to two good universities, but where I went to college does not define me.  And I would never discriminate against others based on where they went to school.  I'm less interested in what college a guy went to or what degree he got, I care more about whether he's constantly trying to learn about the world around him, if he's passionate about the work he does, if he's a caring and kind person who I am compatible with emotionally and intellectually.  I'm looking for a guy who likes that I have a brain, but also likes that I make him laugh, enjoys my zany stories, and might even find it endearing when I get overwhelmed and interrupt myself without finishing the previous thought.  

I like smart people, but to me smart isn't about a piece of paper from a university or an IQ number.  And I really don't like people who use "being smart" as a weapon.  The Know-It-Alls, the people who are always trying to prove how smart they are (or how dumb other people are), I find exhausting.  I prefer life-long learners, the intellectually curious people who explore.  And that's part of why I'm doing this experiment, because I'm hoping to find guys who say, "Hey that sounds interesting," "Why not?" and "That's something new and different, I'm in."  Not someone who needs to see my resume before they know if they want to date me or not.

I know that part of why intellectual snobbery drives me crazy is that I have been very guilty of it in the past.  I tested into GATE (Gifted And Talented Education) classes in 1st Grade (age 6), I graduated from high school and college with honors, i.e. I've been told that I'm smart for as long as I can remember.  I used to think that Being Smart and Being Right were some of the most important things in life.  It was only while traveling during a break from college that I realized that sometimes I was Being An Asshole because I prioritized Being Right over Being Kind.  That brought about a paradigm shift for me, in which I realized how important it is to be kind.  I realized how hurtful I could be to people I cared about because I so focused on Being Right.  Being Kind doesn't mean I never correct anyone's spelling, grammar, or word choice, but I try to keep it to a) people I know, not strangers, b) if it's WAY off, not just a little, c) in a kind, gentle way ("I usually hear that word used as..." instead of, "Ugh, that word actually means...") and d) often only after asking ("Do you want feedback on what you wrote?").  Also key are being able to admit I'm wrong, and (gasp) when there's something I don't know.  And then I usually look it up because I'm curious.  :)

And yes, pointing out Mr. Anti-Candor's grammatical error was not the kindest thing to do, so Hulk says she's sorry and she has to go find some new pants (Hulk yoga pants?).

Week 3 Matchmaker: Emily

The Matchmaker for Week 3 is my cousin Emily, who is like an older sister to me.  She lives in Atlanta and when I told her about the experiment she offered to be a Matchmaker.  She briefly tried online dating a few years ago and found the experience not very pleasant, and is currently in a long-term relationship.

Emily and I worked on revising the profile together because it was really important to her that I was comfortable with all the information on the profile.  The OkCupid profile questions also prompted interesting discussions we wouldn't normally have, like how I describe what I'm doing with my life, or what I spend a lot of time thinking about.

One of the things we discussed were specific words/interests that might attract certain types of guys.  I'd been hanging out with friends last week and discussing the dating experiment and online dating.  One guy said that in the "You should message me if" section of his profile he wrote, "You still get excited when you see a lizard on a hike" because then it appeals to girls that a) hike, b) get excited about things, and c) think that lizards are cool.  When Emily and I were working on the "Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food" section (far too many topics for one category in my opinion) we were talking about TV shows and I said, "I don't even have a TV or cable, I just have a projector and watch Netflix and Hulu."  Emily said, "Write exactly that!" because it would appeal to other film nerds/tech savvy/non-mainstream guys.  It had never occurred to me to write in an online dating profile that I have a projector, but Emily's logic makes sense!

One of the best parts about having someone's help writing an OkCupid profile is the "I'm really good at" section.  Most people hate filling this out for themselves, but I get to have other people do the bragging for me!  Emily's answer was heart-warming for me, she said:
"Loving life. It sounds cheesy but you're someone who figures out how to love your life and if you don't like something you fix it."  
It's so meaningful to me because that's exactly the type of person that I try to be, so it's really encouraging for someone who's known me my whole life to describe me that way!  It's also important because it's also the type of person I want to be with.  One of my biggest pet peeves is when people complain about things but don't do anything to change/improve what they're complaining about.  We all need to vent at times, but as the Serenity Prayer says:
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference."  (I'm not in AA, I just like how succinct the Serenity Prayer is.)

Another change we made to the profile this week was adding a photo of me with my parents and brother.  I don't think I'd ever had a family photo on a dating profile before, but Emily and I both like the photo (it's fun, playful photos from a photobooth) and I'm curious to see if it changes the response at all.  I'm close with my family and would prefer to date someone who is at least on good terms with their family, so a family photo could help cue that.

I'm really glad to have the balance of family members and friends as Matchmakers, I think it helps give different perspectives on me and dating.  And I like the new version of the profile we came up with, it combines parts of the profile I was using before the experiment (which was rather tongue-in-cheek and sometimes a bit absurd) with the softer, more sincere tone that we'd had in the profile Week 1 and 2.

After last week I've been a bit concerned about whether we'll get enough of a response or not, but we are getting some messages.  I've wondered if having a full description of the experiment at the very beginning of the profile is a deterrent, and in future weeks may want to explore editing that down.  I don't think I want to take all mentions of the experiment out entirely, but it's definitely a variable to play with in future weeks!

Update on Week 2 Bachelors, we'll call them Bachelor #4 and Bachelor #5:
Bachelor #4 sent me an email and we're setting up a date (he even read some of the blog, which the other Bachelors hadn't before the date).

Bachelor #5 is MIA.  Interestingly, that's one guy per week that has flaked (Bachelor #2 rain checked due to health problems but hasn't emailed since).  People flake a lot in online dating, so it makes sense that it's part of the experiment too.  I even used to say in my profile that I don't like literally or figuratively flakey people!  Bachelor #5 had sent a rather generic message and didn't respond to the message we sent letting him know Tracy had selected him, so I'm not sure if he'd read the profile at all.  According to OkCupid we are a 77% Match and 20% Enemy (which is a high Enemy percentage) so maybe it's for the best.  I'm keeping track of each of the Bachelors and their OkC Match % and Enemy %, we'll see if that yields any interesting data!

Week 2: In Which Things Don't Go As Planned

I wish I could tell you that when you decide to write publicly about your dating life, that it always goes smoothly.  I also wish that I could tell you that when your dating experiment is not going as planned, that it's easy to not take it personally.  But that is not the case.

Week 2 did not go as planned, in ways that were scientifically interesting but at times personally disheartening.  My friend Tracy was the Matchmaker for Week 2, and made a few little changes to the profile (I've encouraged the Matchmakers to change whatever they like each week).

She changed:

• the profile picture 
• added her input to the "I'm really good at" section (if other people are helping me find dates I'll let them help me brag too!)
• she changed the methodology a bit by sending messages to guys (which my mom had not), saying that she was looking for matches for her friend and she thought that guy would be a good match and to check out the profile.  

And then, there was no response.

To be honest, before we started the experiment I had been worried about a lack of willing participants.  But we'd gotten a fair number of messages from guys the first week, so I wasn't worried about it for Week 2.  

My mom was an OkCupid novice, so I decided to keep it simple and not ask her to send messages to guys.  I figured since Tracy was sending initial messages to guys Week 2, we should get a great response.
However, one guy sent a message back saying that he had just started seeing someone.  Another guy sent a message back that said he didn't want to go out with someone just because their friend or mom thought they should and he didn't want to be blogged about, even anonymously (well, now he is anyway, sorry not sorry dude).

And then, deafening silence. 
I was a bit taken aback.  And embarrassed.  Very little had changed about the profile from Week 1 to Week 2, but the response was drastically different.

This week I learned that one profile picture can make a big difference.

Tracy had asked me about whether she should use that profile photo or not before she changed it.  I didn't think it was a flattering photo of me, but I often don't like photos of myself (same as most people) and since I'd handed the controls over to Tracy I told her to use whatever photo she wanted.

About halfway through the week, when I was particularly down about the lack of response, I mentioned it to a friend and she asked to see the current profile photo and the photo used in Week 1.  I showed her both photos and she pointed out that in the Week 2 photo (which was not getting a positive response) I had a rather forced smile, and in the Week 1 photo (which got a good response) I had a genuine smile which was inviting.  In one photo I looked uncomfortable, and in the other I looked fun.  Which would you want to date?  It was so helpful to change the dialogue from "a good/bad photo of me" to "a genuine or not genuine smile."  I felt a bit better.

I asked Tracy if we could change the profile picture and told her we could add a few days to her week, since the week was almost over and we had no potential matches.  Tracy changed the profile picture to the photo used Week 1, and I answered a bunch of match questions hopefully to attract some new visitors.

After several questions, I saw that a new message had arrived.  I was excited that changing our strategies had yielded results.  I read the message (which I usually don't do, I let the Matchmaker read the messages).  It was a response to a message that Tracy had sent, and the guy said he appreciated Tracy reaching out but "she's not my physical type.  She doesn't read these messages, does she?"  oof.  So much for our efforts paying off.  I wanted to write some snarky message back to that guy like, "Don't worry you're not her type either," but I didn't.  I logged off.  And sulked.

It may sound silly, but I felt like no one wanted to date me.  Even though nothing about me as a person had changed between Week 1 and Week 2, only the OkCupid profile had changed (and the response).  I know that I am not my OkCupid profile, and I was surprised how the lack of response Week 2 really got me down.  But it's a good reminder that A) as a creative person, sometimes it's easy to collapse my sense of self with my creative endeavors (such as this experiment); B) many of us look for validation in identities we create, including online identities (profiles on OkCupid, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.).  Consciously we all know that you are not your Facebook profile, it is just a selected representation of your interests, hobbies, friends, photos, etc., but that doesn't stop us from making a lot of assumptions about others (and ourselves) based on those profiles.  I remember during a rather rough time earlier this year a friend texting me that it seemed like I was having so much fun based on Facebook and Instagram posts, whereas my daily reality included a lot of crying and not much fun.
Our identities are not just limited to the internet: to quote Tyler Durden, "You are not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive."  (I do think you're a beautiful, unique snowflake though, just like everyone else.)  I'm challenging myself, and inviting anyone reading this, to take a critical look at the way we sometimes confuse personas (digital or otherwise) with real selves, for ourselves and others.  And/or watch Fight Club again.

One of my goals with this experiment has been to explore the "marketing" of dating, how the information you present and the way you present it attracts different types of people.  We gathered valuable data this week, even if it was uncomfortable to me at times.  OkCupid has also done research about effective profile photos but in both weeks' photos I was looking into the camera and smiling, however one was a genuine smile and the other was not.  So it gives me helpful information going forward with the experiment and online dating in general.

After a few days with the new profile picture, more messages did come in.  I'm happy to report that Tracy did pick two Matches who she says seem "artsy and open minded."  I've sent them messages on OkCupid and I'll keep you posted about date-planning!

I also have to tell you how grateful I am for my family and friends who do love me no matter what the OkCupid response is, what job I have, what my skin or hair are looking like, or anything else.  And I appreciate the ways that people show support, reading the blog or coming to standup comedy shows, or just listening to me when I'm freaking out and giving me feedback.  I would not be able to do what I do without that love and support!

There's a new Matchmaker for Week #3, but this post is already quite long so I'll write all about starting Week 3 in the next post!

Date #2: Woody Allen and Lena Duhnam Go To LACMA

The title of this post is a clear exaggeration of BOTH of our personalities, but it's the thought that popped into my head right after my date with Bachelor #3 (him being Woody Allen, me being Lena Dunham, LACMA being the location of our date).  It made me laugh so I thought I'd share.
My next thought after the date was that I'd had more fun than I expected.  But during a post-date debriefing with a friend I realized there were also a number of odd/uncomfortable moments...

I enjoy LACMA (LA County Museum of Art), and wandering through an art museum is an interesting way to see how someone's brain works.  B#3 has a dry, sarcastic sense of humor, and as a rather sarcastic gal I appreciate that.  I've tried to tone down my own sarcasm and deadpan humor, especially on first dates, because it can take time for people to get my sense of humor.  Having compatible senses of humor is a lot of fun, because I don't have to be reserved about joking around.  Guys often say they like funny girls, but I haven't always found that to be true.  I remember a few dates years ago, I made a joke and the guy laughed, then realized that I had just made him laugh, and looked at me like I was a dog who had just talked.  I don't know if it was because his goal was to make me laugh and it was a bit of a role reversal when I made him laugh, or if it was that some guys are still surprised that women can be funny.  But I enjoyed that B#3 and I could joke around together, and even make jokes about our jokes. (So meta.)

However, B#3 had a mix of self-consciousness and self-deprecation that was strikingly Woody Allen-esque.  Fairly early in the date, as we were walking around a gallery he suddenly said to me, "Should I not have shaved?"  It took me a minute to understand what he meant, so I think I uttered some form of, "huh?/what?/no it's fine" to which he said that he wasn't sure if I was "disappointed or just quiet."  Later I realized that when he would make self-conscious statements like that, it would also make me very self-conscious, wondering if I said or did something that prompted the statement (feeling like, "What did I do wrong?).  Then I'm likely to get more quiet and/or nervous, and enjoy the date less.  My reaction is my own responsibility, but it does highlight a personality incompatibility.

After one instance later in the date he explicitly said that he'd not meant his statement to be pejorative, which I appreciated because I got a bit defensive about whether I am a commitmentphobe or just "always looking for something better."   I've considered myself a commitmentphobe in the past, but it wasn't just toward relationships: I didn't stay in the same city for very long, and thus jobs and relationships also tended to be short-term.  I also was getting involved with guys that were Not Relationship Material.  But I've committed to LA: I've been here for over 2 years (the longest I've lived anywhere since high school).  I had the same job for 1.5 of the years in LA, although now I'm back to freelancing.  I learned a lot in my Vagabond Years (as I call the 3 years post-college where I bounced around the country) and I feel lucky to have had them, but I'm also glad that I've learned to settle down a bit and stay in one place.  I hope it bodes well for my romantic relationships as well.  But I'm not used to getting into all of that on a first date...(I shared an abridged version with B#3)

Another way B#3 is different from The Guys I Usually Date is that he's actually doing what he wants to do with his life, and that's a nice change!  He doesn't have a day job, he's not "aspiring," he's actually doing it.  He's writing a novel, although he wouldn't tell me what it was about (he said it would take too long to explain).  I did notice that he was rather guarded, which also may be something that bothered him about me (re: disappointed or quiet).  I honestly have no idea if he had fun on the date or not.  I would doubt he actively disliked me, but at the end of the date when I said, "I had fun today!" he replied with some quip about "well we'll see what you write in the blog!" which leaves me with a very different feeling than saying something like, "I had fun too!"

It was definitely great to be out with a fellow writer, and I enjoyed the banter.  Overall I think our temperaments trigger each other's in ways that wouldn't be good for relationship compatibility, but I would definitely enjoy being friends with him.  I've never actually become friends with anyone I met on OkCupid, I feel like "can we just be friends" is something no one ever wants to hear.  Maybe B#3 will prove me wrong.  Are there cliched ways of opting for friendship? (I'm open to suggestions.)  My mom wanted me to be sure to include that I didn't notice his height as much as I thought I would (he is apparently 2 inches shorter than me, but I would've said he was my height).

Notes and Asides:

• B#3 referred to himself as a feminist during the date, and a guy who calls himself a feminist (and actually is) gets major points in my book.  
• (just before I started the dating experiment I went on a date during which the guy said he read a bunch of feminist lit so he could "out-feminist" his sister who was getting her degree in Gender Studies.  Not kidding.  Also, that got him major negative points.)

• B#3 had a very un-guarded moment that was quite endearing: he rescued a butterfly that was trapped near the restrooms, gave it some water and then tromped through the bushes to find a safe place for it to recover.  Woody Allen wouldn't do that.

Date #1: Week 1 Bachelor #1

Quite appropriately, the first date of the experiment is with Bachelor #1.  On my mom's suggestion we went to the California Science Center to see the Space Shuttle Endeavour (and learned that it's the British spelling because it's named after the HMS Endeavour) and it was pretty cool.  The day started with an adventure in Los Angeles public transit: we both (separately) took the Metro to the museum because the FYF music festival was also happening this weekend in Exposition Park and we figured parking would be difficult.  We were both running late, but I ended up getting there quite a bit later than he did and text messages wouldn't go through while I was on the subway.  But thankfully he was understanding, and once I was on a train above ground we texted about a spot to meet up.

B#1 was definitely gentlemanly, and I appreciate that!  He'd bought tickets in advance to see the Endeavour, he waited near the Metro station for me, he held doors open for me, etc.  Was this partially influenced by my mom being the Matchmaker?  Possibly, but I'll give B#1 credit that he seems like the type of guy that would do that regardless.

We went through several exhibits, including seeing the Endeavour.  I don't think I'd been on a date to a museum before, and it was interesting.  Sometimes dinner/drinks dates, when you're just stuck staring at each other across a table, can feel a bit like job interviews.  I enjoy dates that give you something to talk about, and moving around can help feel out the chemistry.

And that's where we run into a problem: we had no chemistry.  He's a nice guy and I enjoyed chatting with him, but overall I don't think we're a good match.  We're in very different places in our lives: he's in film school, which is exciting and very engrossing, but I'm 5 years out of film school and into my career.  Also, although according to our profiles we both like adventures, it seems that our ideas differ on what counts as an interesting adventure.  Although that may sounds like a small thing, there's research to indicate otherwise:

OkCupid actually does interesting data analysis using their site and in a blog post called The Best Questions For A First Date, they listed 3 questions that best indicate long-term potential (if people agree on them): 
1) Do you like horror movies?
2) Have you ever traveled around another country alone?
3) Wouldn't it be fun to chuck it all and go live on a sailboat?

The last two, to me at least, are about adventure. Is traveling internationally solo an exciting experience or a lonely nightmare? Is living on a sailboat a story you'd like to tell your future grandkids, or a soggy ordeal?
(As for me personally, when I was 20 years old I backpacked around Europe mostly solo (meeting up with friends occasionally) and went to 14 countries in 6 months)

I want to emphasize there's no right answer, it's just about compatibility. When I was younger, I used to get really frustrated with myself about this kind of date. Why don't I like this nice guy? What's wrong with me? As I've gotten older, I've learned (and constantly remind myself) that there's nothing wrong with me or him, we just aren't the right match for each other.

Two instances have illustrated this for me:
1) In high school I worked in a coffee shop and one of my co-workers asked me out for coffee. I thought he was kidding and just laughed, I didn't even realize that he was trying to ask me out on a date. A year or so later he and my best friend met and started flirting via World Of Warcraft.  Their 7 year anniversary is next month.

2) In college I was hanging out with a guy friend, and my roommates later said I should date him and give him a makeover. I was never interested in him romantically and told them I wouldn't want to date a guy to change him. The next year he started dating another friend of mine and they are now engaged. She loves him just how he is.

All this to say, B#1 seems like a good guy and somewhere out there's a girl who's a great match for him. But that girl isn't me, and that's ok. It's probably something I'll have to remind myself of frequently in this experiment, so I figure I'll start now.

I told my mom about the date and she also agrees that he sounds like not the right type of guy for me.  But the good news is that I'm learning about what kind of guy would be right for me, and it's interesting to try defining/explaining it to others.

Also, I need to get better at ending dates.  I'm working on boundaries lately, as I've seen I often put the wants/needs of others before my own.  Only recently have I admitted to myself that I am an Extroverted Introvert (or an Introverted Extrovert): I enjoy being social, but if I'm around large crowds of people, or hosting a party, or doing a standup show, afterwards I need some quiet time on my own.  First dates also use quite a bit of Extrovert Energy, so a first date in a crowded museum (a kid-friendly museum on the weekend) took a lot of Extrovert Energy.

After 2 hours at the museum, my Extrovert Battery was probably down to 20%.  But for most of my life, I've told that Introvert side of me to Shut Up and Go Away.  So I didn't say to B#1, "Hey, this has been fun but I should go," I said, "Sure we can walk around more!"  .facepalm. 

Why did I do that?  Because I was trying to be nice.  But when I look back at it, that wasn't the nice thing to do.  I'm most likely not the best conversationalist when I'm tired, hungry, dehydrated, and overwhelmed.  By the end of the date, when my Extrovert Battery was probably down to 10% or less, I was nearly a zombie.  And who wants to be on a date with a zombie?  If I'd given B#1 the choice, he probably would've preferred that I communicated when I was exhausted.  Instead I probably seemed distant and possibly rude.

We rode the Metro back together, and though he was going past my stop he very kindly got off the subway to say goodbye to me.  But due to previously mentioned zombification, I did my best to say a polite goodbye and took off.  As I headed up the stairs I realized that it would've been polite for me to wait with him until the next train, but I was laser beam focused on food, water, and quiet (and I still had a 30 min walk home).  But my apologies to B#1 for my zombification.  I'm working on it.



(B#1 did send a followup text after the date saying that he had fun, so zombification might be a slight exaggeration for comedic purposes ;))

Week 2 Matchmaker: Tracy

The second Matchmaker is a film school friend, Tracy.  I think Tracy will be an interesting Matchmaker because she and I are very different: we both work in film, but I'm the weirdo-artsy-writer-director-type and she's the polished-professional-casting-type.  One thing we do have in common is frequent tales of dating woes.  She also uses online dating sites, and has been far more persistent in her approach.  My habit has been to use OkCupid for a bit, get disenchanted (and/or super busy with work), and de-activate my account for several months.  Until I'm bored again, log back in, and the cycle repeats.  I'm curious to see what kind of guys Tracy will match me with, are they similar to the type of guys she would date?  She's making changes to the OkCupid profile now (each Matchmaker will tailor the profile to their perception of me and how they think I should be portrayed to potential suitors) and is starting her search!

Updates on our Week 1 Bachelors: 
Bachelor #1 and I have a date set for this weekend, and he likes the idea of the California Science Center!  We texted a bit and he seems nice.

Bachelor #2 emailed that he is under the weather and asked for a rain check on our drinks date.

Bachelor #3 just emailed me (I hadn't heard from him and thought maybe he had changed his mind!) and likes the idea of an art museum date, so we'll figure out a time.


Observations about the experiment so far:
As someone who doesn't talk about her dating life much publicly, it's really interesting to get a lot of feedback on the experiment and bachelors.  Especially because the feedback is from people that I wouldn't normally talk about potential dates with, not only peers but also people who have been married for many years (and thus have a different perspective on dating than single 20-somethings).

For me it brings up really interesting ideas about technology, community, and isolation.  I see so many articles that decry Facebook because it isolates us and makes us feel inadequate/jealous.  But to me, technology is a tool and how you use it determines how it affects your life.  Facebook can create (or facilitate) community, and allow you to communicate with people that you otherwise couldn't or wouldn't.  By no means do I think it replaces face-to-face interactions, but I enjoy that it helps me stay in touch my family and friends around the world.  I also love that it allows people from very different parts of my life to interact.  For example, both a former boss and my best friend's mom had the same reaction to Bachelor#2 shooting down the date idea (they saw it as a Red Flag).

It reminds me of when dating was a more communal endeavor, like in high school and who you were dating was public knowledge, or in small towns/villages where everyone would voice opinions about your beaus, or many years ago when when a family member had to chaperone dates.  This is part of why I called the experiment Post-Modern Matchmaker (and I'll write a post soon with more explanation of that).  Modern dating can be so isolated, my friends have rarely met anyone that I've dated in the past several years and my family hasn't met any of them.  It's interesting to add a community element (often associated with small town/Old World) to Big City Modern Dating.  But how much will I like it if/when the community consensus and I disagree?  About the B#2 Red Flag, I'm in agreement.  We'll see about what other issues come up as the experiment progresses!

Happy Friday!